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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

OH been at home all day and done nothing

81 replies

missrleanorr · 10/06/2021 17:53

OH stays at home and look after the kids DD 2 is with him all day and DS goes to nursery for 3 hours. I've just come back from work every single room is a mess last night dishes still there. He said he would wash them last night after I cooked.

Our washing machine is broke waiting for the engineer to come out so I said he could take it to launderette or just hand wash them and hang them up outside.

I've just came in and lost it I feel so angry! AIBU? When I was at home with the kids I use to at least get a few things done but he does nothing!

OP posts:
JewelGarden · 11/06/2021 08:05

'I have a toddler who’s just started nursery, two other children in primary and secondary schools. I’m a treasurer for an animal rescue and I run my own exotic animal rescue. My husband works offshore. I do 6 school runs a day on top of work and taking care of 50 animals (including walking 3 dogs), after school clubs 4 days a week and I do all of the cooking, cleaning, washing and house admin. I can’t get my head around people on here who are sat at home all day with one 2 year old who can’t do the dishes or put a wash on.'

Oh my goodness aren't you just wonderful Grin

bigbaggyeyes · 11/06/2021 08:11

I think regardless of wether you have an energetic toddler or an easy one, there's really no excuse not to wash up last nights pots and tidy up a bit. It might be a tad unrealistic to expect the house to be fully cleaned and immaculate, all the clothes washed by hand and a full 3 course meal on the table, but a few pots washed and a bit of a tidy round isn't an unreasonable expectation.

FierceBarrie · 11/06/2021 08:12

@bigbaggyeyes

I think regardless of wether you have an energetic toddler or an easy one, there's really no excuse not to wash up last nights pots and tidy up a bit. It might be a tad unrealistic to expect the house to be fully cleaned and immaculate, all the clothes washed by hand and a full 3 course meal on the table, but a few pots washed and a bit of a tidy round isn't an unreasonable expectation.
Exactly.

It’s entry-level adulting.

Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 08:33

@burritofan

You want him to hand-wash laundry while supervising a 2-year-old?
What do you think people did before automatic washing machines?
Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 08:34

@Santastealer

He has been home all day looking after children, if he has kept them both fed and alive then he hasn’t done nothing!

If it were a man writing this about a woman I bet it would get different reactions!

Why didn’t you do the pots before you went to bed last night?

Because she cooked? And he was supposed to?
Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 08:38

@SimonJT

Hes there to care for his child, if hes expected to clean all day and wash laundry by hand the toddler would be better off in nursery.
All day?? A few chores around a toddler (who may nap) isn't exactly onerous
diddl · 11/06/2021 08:57

Depending on how many clothes, how dirty they are & the weather, hand washing wouldn't be that difficult!

A lot of stuff doesn't get that dirty & if the weather is nice it'll easily dry outside.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 11/06/2021 09:01

It doesn't matter what people did before automatic washing machines. We live in the 21st century now. Yes you should probably manage a bit if washing up and a tidy up during the day with young kids but if on the odd day you don't it really shouldn't be the end of the world.

When that happened when my DC were little, DH would take the kids when he got home from work. I'd have a tidy up. I appreciated the chance to do normal tasks without toddlers and he'd like to spend time with them. Win win.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/06/2021 09:13

I think YANBU about the washing up as that’s easy to do while 2 year old watches TV. But I think YABU about not taking washing to Laundrette. That is a big job and not something you can easily with a 2 year old so. Fairer for him to go alone after you are home from work.

Lweji · 11/06/2021 10:17

But I think YABU about not taking washing to Laundrette. That is a big job and not something you can easily with a 2 year old so.

Hardly.
Put clothes in large bag. Take both to launderette. Put inside machine. Wait or go for a walk. Take clothes or put them in drier. If latter, wait. Take clothes out. Loosely fold if necessary, while 2 year old puts small items in bag (distraction). Go home with bag.

I mean, he might not be able to fit it in with naps and picking up other child from nursery, but it's perfectly doable without a lot of hassle.

Hsurbbrb · 11/06/2021 10:35

@JewelGarden

'I have a toddler who’s just started nursery, two other children in primary and secondary schools. I’m a treasurer for an animal rescue and I run my own exotic animal rescue. My husband works offshore. I do 6 school runs a day on top of work and taking care of 50 animals (including walking 3 dogs), after school clubs 4 days a week and I do all of the cooking, cleaning, washing and house admin. I can’t get my head around people on here who are sat at home all day with one 2 year old who can’t do the dishes or put a wash on.'

Oh my goodness aren't you just wonderful Grin

I must be ;) Seriously though, how do most of the people commenting on here think that single parents cope? There’s millions of single parents in this country that get little to no help from their exes. Are they all sat at home in squalor and starving because they couldn’t possibly do any cooking or cleaning as they have a difficult 2 year old? If it needs doing you just do it. Child proof the room and give them something to do. Or get them involved in the activity, most of them love to help (I know it takes longer Grin). Even if they’ve had a full blown tantrum lasting the entire day, it still gets to a point where shit needs to be done so you leave them to scream and do it. There’s no one but me to pick up the slack at home, oh is currently away 3 weeks a month. If I just stopped doing what I was supposed to do because the baby’s being a bit of a brat I’d consider myself an unfit mother.
E551 · 11/06/2021 10:38

I feel your pain. It’s infuriating, no matter what some others are saying! Your OH is home without child for 3 hours, surely he can fit in a few chores in there! If I had 3 hours to myself, there would not be any mess anywhere! Why should there be!

I came home last week to my OH just sitting in the lounge after taking the morning off, DD was being babysat by MIL (who only lives up the road), I said why didn’t he go get our DD and spend some time together. Also, the dishes from the night before that he was supposed to clean! As well as dishes after breakfast in the lounge still, with food in them! (Breakfast is always eaten in the lounge for some reason!). As well as the clothes I’d put in the washing machine in the morning just sitting in the washing machine all wet when it was sunny outside, his reply “I didn’t know they were there”, my reply “well you would have thought you’d think it was a nice day today, I’ll put a load on, then you would have found them there!”
Why do the women have to go to work (ok might be part-time in some cases, but still), so go to work, as well as making sure everything is ready in the morning, as in child dressed, child’s school lunchbox is ready, child has been fed, some light cleaning before work, come home from work (at lunchtime in my case), feed the family, clean the dishes, tidy the lounge, hang the clothes out, fold some other clothes, take DD for a walk or play with her, make dinner, bath time, then bed time. Then we get to sit down at 8ish pm after clearing everything, all toys etc. Yes the Dad may work more in some cases, doesn’t mean they work harder than the Mum!

Basically, I get you. It pisses me off too. I understand your frustration and you have every right to be frustrated. Sometimes I think the house would be cleaner and life would be easier without OH! But it’s nice to have them around, and it’s nice for the kids too. But it’s not much to ask them to do more around the house is it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/06/2021 10:43

Well it depends how far away laundrette is, how much washing there is and whether he has access to a car. When my washing machine was broken in summer holidays it was bloody inconvenient to get to laundrette and my kids were primary age so more sensible than OP’s and I did have a car.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/06/2021 10:47

Also they are not sitting in squalor. OP’s DH should have quickly done washing up and then bagged laundry to take to laundrette and he would have dealt with main issues quickly.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/06/2021 10:52

OP has 2 pre school age kids a 3 year old at nursery for 3 hours and a 2 year old who’s with DH all the time. He’s got his hands full especially with a broken washing machine…

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/06/2021 11:02

I’m not DH by the way, just sympathetic to his situation!

Sunbird24 · 11/06/2021 11:14

Ref the hand washing: put clothes in bath with warm water and detergent, supervise 2 yr old stomping it (or join in!), drain, rinse, repeat until water runs clear. If human feet were good enough for making wine they’re fine for an emergency laundry day…

Whyhello · 11/06/2021 11:28

I never understand why people don’t clean as they go. Leaving dishes overnight is gross, he should have washed them up as soon as you’d all finished eating. If I cook, I wash utensils up as soon as I’m done with them so DH only really has everyone’s plates and cutlery to clean. It’s a much more effective system than leaving mess to fester like that.

He does sound like a lazy git, I can’t believe he left smelly crusty dishes in the sink for 24 hours, especially during summer. You both need to start cleaning mess up as you go, it’s the most effective system. I wouldn’t expect anyone to hand wash things but he definitely could have done the trip to the launderette.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 11/06/2021 11:29

It sort of depends if he's like this the whole time or if this is a one-off patheticness, mostly caused by the broken washing machine.

A lot of women manage to work full-time and still care for children and do their share of chores. I don't see why a man can't manage this?

I wfh and look after 3yo who is at nursery 3 part-time days. I get up before DC at 6.30am, empty the dishwasher, put any washing on, wipe the kitchen surfaces and make breakfast. Then I answer emails before DC wakes up, we have breakfast and they go to nursery while I work. I clean up, hang out the washing and hoover the house in my coffee breaks. Then collect DC from nursery and make dinner, clean up dinner while they watch TV, run bath, do bedtime etc. I often have work to do in the evening after they're in bed as well! On non-nursery days, we still manage to get the chores done. But we do have a cleaner once a fortnight so it is more keeping things tidy and ticking over in between rather than deep cleaning.

In my view SAHP should wipe and tidy as they go and keep on top of the laundry but big cleaning should be shared at the weekends. So should cooking if other parent is home for mealtimes (my DH isn't, so I have to do this).

Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 12:05

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

OP has 2 pre school age kids a 3 year old at nursery for 3 hours and a 2 year old who’s with DH all the time. He’s got his hands full especially with a broken washing machine…
Do you honestly think most people can't cope with that?
DoNotEat · 11/06/2021 12:14

@Whyhello

I never understand why people don’t clean as they go. Leaving dishes overnight is gross, he should have washed them up as soon as you’d all finished eating. If I cook, I wash utensils up as soon as I’m done with them so DH only really has everyone’s plates and cutlery to clean. It’s a much more effective system than leaving mess to fester like that.

He does sound like a lazy git, I can’t believe he left smelly crusty dishes in the sink for 24 hours, especially during summer. You both need to start cleaning mess up as you go, it’s the most effective system. I wouldn’t expect anyone to hand wash things but he definitely could have done the trip to the launderette.

I'm with you. Before dishwasher I'd fill a sink and wash cooking utensils as I went and then like you say, you've got only maybe a pan and the plates you've eaten off to wash which can be done very quickly after eating. Same with everything really. Just tidy away one activity before the next.
DoNotEat · 11/06/2021 12:17

@Sunbird24

Ref the hand washing: put clothes in bath with warm water and detergent, supervise 2 yr old stomping it (or join in!), drain, rinse, repeat until water runs clear. If human feet were good enough for making wine they’re fine for an emergency laundry day…
What in hells name? Get your 2 year old to climb into a bath tub of chemicals and stomp on the laundry.

I'm actually laughing

MissMaple82 · 11/06/2021 12:36

Wow.. just wow

burritofan · 11/06/2021 12:54

Get your 2 year old to climb into a bath tub of chemicals and stomp on the laundry.
Then let them wield the mangle. Wait for the 3 year old to get back so they can do the ironing, obviously.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 11/06/2021 13:00

Well you could always get them to wear wellies while they do it. Just make sure the wellies are clean Grin.