OH been at home all day and done nothing

[missrleanorr]

OH stays at home and look after the kids DD 2 is with him all day and DS goes to nursery for 3 hours. I've just come back from work every single room is a mess last night dishes still there. He said he would wash them last night after I cooked.

Our washing machine is broke waiting for the engineer to come out so I said he could take it to launderette or just hand wash them and hang them up outside.

I've just came in and lost it I feel so angry! AIBU? When I was at home with the kids I use to at least get a few things done but he does nothing!

FierceBarrie, no I mean they both need to pitch in. So actually I would say he needs to do it when she gets back from work and can take over with the kids. Or however they want to sort it. In the daytime she is working, he is ‘working’ too (looking after the kids). In the evening the kids still need looking after and the housework needs sorting. So that needs to be shared.

I’ve got two young children and if we’re home with them both me and DH still manage to tidy up after ourselves and get washing and cleaning done (well DH not so much with the cleaning). I wouldn’t be impressed if I was you

Leaving aside the housework, how have the kids been today and what did they get up to? If he’s had the day from hell I can understand him not having got stuff done, or if they’ve been clingy and he’s not been able to do anything apart from be with them every minute I think it’s understandable, and you losing your temper is ott.

As you can probably guess, I’m a sahm with two young kids. Sometimes I can get loads done, others (most days 😳) I can just about manage to keep us all alive and the house still standing. Anything more is impossible.

I’d be livid or gutted if DH did this to me Depending upon how shitty I was feeling already!

I don't think it's too much to expect for the SAHP to maintain a reasonable standard of tidiness and get the basic chores done. Different with a newborn obviously. I'm not talking show home standard, just not a shit tip.

I bet your DH has been on his phone all day whilst the toddler watches TV.

But that's ok of course because he's kept his kid alive. Give that man a medal..

If the roles were reversed, you would get torn apart on here

I have a feeling that is the point of the thread...

He is providing childcare. When I was a SAHM, I put a wash on, a dishwasher load, and cooked the dinner. That's enough.

Share the rest. If you want a cleaner, pay for one.

I loved being a mum, but fuck me, domestic drudgery is a bastard. Being everyone’s skivvy was a slow, painful death for my self-esteem.

I'm at home 2.5 days a week with the children and my wife does the other 2.5 days (or 2 days and arranges childcare for the half day). If you're at home aside from the children fed nobody dead rule, a couple of loads of washing and the kitchen done and the kids dinner either served or ready to by around 5:30. I tend to work on it during the day cause my wife gets home around 5:30, I think she leaves it all till the end cause I don't get home gone 9pm, so she waits until the kids are in bed to tackle it.

Bad days aside, I would expect the house to be relatively in order when I came home, and I know my wife feels the same (when she has had a go because I've not). It would depend if this is a regular occurrence I suppose.

What time did you get in OP? As I find when I'm at home 5 days a week I can do some chores around my 2 year old and do a little bit each day. I always make sure the dishes are done etc but I find I do my main bulk of cleaning and tidying up at the end of the day. Is this a regular occurrence? Or just a bad day?

I think it makes sense that you take over with the kids when you get home while he does the domestic stuff without distraction? Then you can both relax while kids in bed

I think it's a bit pathetic if he can't manage to do anything re housework, frankly. How does he think other people manage? Is he normally this poor?

I had 3 under 3s at one point and you still manage to do the basics. I don't believe for one minute that he's spending every single second playing with/occupying a toddler to the exclusion of everything else.

What's so difficult about giving a toddler some toys to play with or a saucepan and a wooden spoon to bang whilst you fill a sink with hot soapy water and do the dishes?

I do think managing to keep your children alive for the day, as a PP suggested is a pretty fucking low bar for expectations.

How old are they and what sort of kids are they?

My DD was super easy. I was constantly made up, had a tidy house, exercised, read. My 15 month old DS is ...spirited. We barely get anything done when both of us are home!!

@MadMadMadamMim I agree, it is a pretty fucking low bar for expectations, but that’s literally my goal sometimes. Just survive. 😂

Maybe I’m a shitty mother, who knows. I’m doing my best. If that means housework doesn’t get done until the kids are in bed so be it!

Maybe I’m a shitty mother, who knows. I’m doing my best. If that means housework doesn’t get done until the kids are in bed so be it!

That’s not shitty at all - you’re doing it, or trying to!

I also thinking just keeping a couple of kids alive is a pretty low bar - sure that’s life some days. But come on. That last line is definitely not directed at you, BTW @MuchTooTired!

My DD was super easy. I was constantly made up, had a tidy house, exercised, read. My 15 month old DS is ...spirited.
Exactly! My friend reads whole novels while her 2yo plays quietly and tidily. For hours! I’ve usually got a fire extinguisher in one hand, a butterfly net in the other, making lunch with my foot and averting disaster with the other, counting down the minutes til .

(Caveat: I manage to keep the mess to a minimum but absolutely no chance I could hand wash a load of laundry.)

Is this every day, or does he normally do housework and just hasn’t today?

I’m a sahm to 2 kids and some days, they played nicely and took long naps and I felt great and did loads of housework and other productive things. And some days I barely got a thing done and the kids destroyed the house and I felt lucky to make it bedtime with us all fed. DH never commented though thankfully

You need to tell us if this is a one-off or not

@MadMadMadamMim

I think it's a bit pathetic if he can't manage to do anything re housework, frankly. How does he think other people manage? Is he normally this poor?

I had 3 under 3s at one point and you still manage to do the basics. I don't believe for one minute that he's spending every single second playing with/occupying a toddler to the exclusion of everything else.

What's so difficult about giving a toddler some toys to play with or a saucepan and a wooden spoon to bang whilst you fill a sink with hot soapy water and do the dishes?

I do think managing to keep your children alive for the day, as a PP suggested is a pretty fucking low bar for expectations.

I have a toddler who’s just started nursery, two other children in primary and secondary schools. I’m a treasurer for an animal rescue and I run my own exotic animal rescue. My husband works offshore. I do 6 school runs a day on top of work and taking care of 50 animals (including walking 3 dogs), after school clubs 4 days a week and I do all of the cooking, cleaning, washing and house admin. I can’t get my head around people on here who are sat at home all day with one 2 year old who can’t do the dishes or put a wash on.

Neither can I @Hsurbbrb. But apparently it’s really not OK to say that out loud.

I get where the OP is coming from, i work 7 days a fortnight and my wife slightly less, so most days one of us is at home with the kids (2) on our own, and a cat, and a dog. I keep the place tidy, and ill do something like keep the downstairs floors hoovered and washed and kitchen clean or the laundry washed and dried and ironed. But when she is off she really cleans but having a pristine home means far more to her than it means to me so that is her prerogative, i choose to do more with the children on my days off, and she will give off if ive been out with them for a few hours after school and ive done the bare minimum of keeping the house tidy and making dinner but it washes over me. Ive had a good day most days off and enjoy recuperating and as i nurse i need this R&R with the kids to keep me sane. Its ok to have a the odd day doing nothing but it should be the exception.

DH, is that you?

Hand wash the clothes.
Get the mangle out next?

Washing up should have been done though. Christ just fill a sink with hot soapy water and wash them. He could do that.

Every room a mess? He can quickly go round now and tidy while you spend time with the kids? That's what I do if dh comes home to a pigsty I've created. Although I'm a tidy as I go person.

Depends on so many factors. If this is just a one off then YADBU. You're not his line manager. If he's had a difficult day with the two year old (won't nap, loads of tantrums etc) and then you come home and have a moan about the state of the house that's bloody irritating. I wouldn't be hand washing a load of laundry while caring for two toddlers personally, I'd wait till the weekend and go to the laundrette.

If he never takes care of the house and expects you to do it after work that's a bit different. I do think the SAHP's job should manly be the kids (if you spend all day clening they'd be better off with a childminder) but you should be able to pick things up as you go and not leave a trail of chaos everywhere.

I did absolutely nothing yesterday, my 2 year old took up all my attention all day. Wouldn’t watch tv, wouldn’t play alone at all so I played with her all day. I didn’t wash any dishes, fo laundry or even make my bed because I simply didn’t have the time. She even came with me to the toilet yesterday. It happens sometimes.
Unless this is a regular occurrence of write it off as a bad day. If he does this a lot then a chat about expectations are needed. Some days I can get the whole house cleaned other days I’m lucky if I manage to shower and dress myself. Children are hard work

Back in the days of hand washing and mangles the standards for childcare were a lot lower. Dh was sat outside the front door in his pram with radio for company while mil got on with the housework. Go back a bit further and babies were swaddled on a board and hung up on a nail in the wall while mum worked.

As domestic labour has become easier due to inventions like washing machines and electric cookers, childcare expectations have risen exponentially.

If he’s providing quality childcare then I’d cut him slack on the housework. If he’s just keeping the dc alive in front of the tv while he plays on his phone all day that’s a different story. But it’s not really clear what’s going on here.

@FierceBarrie It's because it makes you sound like a santcimonious twat. Looking after a few easy going children is a thousand times easier than one spirited one. Also a lot of people stay home to spend time with their children, so they spend their day engaging with their child, taking them out to the park or playgroup, reading to them etc. Not hand washing laundry.