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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my birthday? New relationship

36 replies

Itsmybirthday321 · 10/06/2021 17:48

Hi all,

Today is my birthday! And I am three months into a new relationship. So far it’s been going really well. He has been nothing but lovely, thoughtful, we’re really relaxed together, no arguments, no drama.

About a month ago it was his birthday, I asked when he was free and went to him with a card, a cake and a gift, nothing over the top, and he said he was really happy with them.

Today is my birthday and I’m feeling a bit rubbish. He did text me this morning to say happy birthday but hasn’t asked what I had planned today or if I was free at any point, and he hasn’t mentioned that he’s got me a card or anything. Am I being unreasonable to be confused and a bit upset?

It’s not about what I did for him, as I did that because I wanted to and not because I wanted something in return. It’s the apparent lack of effort that’s got me feeling this way.

So my question is:
YANBU - totally valid
YABU - give your head a wobble

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 10/06/2021 17:53

Maybe he has got something planned? The night is still young!

But if not, I agree, that’s pretty crap! It doesn’t say much for your relationship going forward.

ivegotthisyeah · 10/06/2021 17:54

I would be very miffed off I think! Unless he is working or has children.
It doesn't have to be about presents more about presence
Happy birthday ThanksCake

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 17:56

YANBU. I think it's clear you weren't expecting the moon and stars, but a little effort would be nice. I would think he would have wanted to make you feel special today. Doesn't bode well as far as I'm concerned.

Mountaingoatling · 10/06/2021 17:56

This has proved a massive red flag for me in two previous relationships. Some people like everything to be about them and like to be kind at a time of their choosing, resenting the perceived sense of obligation that a birthday poses. They take....but they give on their own terms. They tend to turn it on you if you protest that they never asked for a fuss and birthdays are childish. Keep your cool and watch his next move like a hawk.

Mountaingoatling · 10/06/2021 17:57

And happy birthday!

Chamomileteaplease · 10/06/2021 17:58

When you last saw him why didn't you invite him to do something on your birthday?

Though it would have been nice if he had had the initiative .......

Original poster
Itsmybirthday321 · 10/06/2021 18:00

We both work and have children and both aren’t free until the evening, his child is with their mum today. We’ve been texting between work throughout the day and he’s mentioned nothing at all 😕 I agree about presence over presents, I’m very easy going and not a materialistic person, but it appears neither are on offer today. If he had said he was busy but we could see each other another time I would have been fine with that, I don’t want to have to ask him either.

Thank you for your birthday wishes ❤️

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 10/06/2021 18:03

Happy birthday! I'd be put out by this too, but would probably have taken the initiative and asked if he fancied doing something - not that you should have to really.

ZenNudist · 10/06/2021 18:11

Meh. I can't get too worked about birthdays. You say it's not about what you did for him but it is. You treated him how you expected to be treated and he is treating you how he expects. He's not a birthday person. I'm like this so I understand and get a but miffed at th family when they make a fuss about adult birthdays. It's all so wearing.

If I want to do something nice for my birthday I make plans. I don't wait and expect others to treat me.

WannabePilot · 10/06/2021 18:20

I don’t think YABU but I’m not sure he is either. If I were you I’d feel miffed, it would be nice if he’d taken the initiative to spoil you a bit. But as PP said the night is still young, has he actually asked if you’d got plans? As in he might be planning to surprise you later? Or do something special at the weekend?

blueluce85 · 10/06/2021 19:07

So, new relationship, his child isn't with him, but you haven't mentioned your own. I have it written into our court order that parent birthdays are spent with the kids regardless of when contact falls. I'm assuming he thinks you are spending time with your kids?

CanofCant · 10/06/2021 19:10

Happy birthday!

YANBU. He could he reciprocated and then at least asked if you wanted to make plans.

SunshineCake · 10/06/2021 19:11

I still tease dh that one of my first birthday presents off him was a box of cereal Grin. He did buy me other things but I was a bit Confused. He pointed out we'd been going out for four weeks Grin.

FierceBarrie · 10/06/2021 19:18

YANBU at all, and this doesn’t bode well.

But I’m surprised, if you both have DC and time together even at the best of times sounds like it has to be highly organised, that you didn’t make actual plans to do something together this evening?

AbstractHeart · 10/06/2021 19:24

Do/did you have plans for the day that he was aware of? Maybe he thinks you're too busy to see him today and has a nice gift ready to give you next time you meet up?

AbstractHeart · 10/06/2021 19:26

If you haven't made any plans to celebrate your birthday then that's your own fault, not his. He probably just assumes you're spending the evening with friends.

ChristmasFluff · 10/06/2021 19:36

He's not exactly super-keen is he?

If he isn't at 3 months, when he's still in the 'besy behaviour' stage, he's never going to be. Only carry on with this if you want your birthday to be ignored by him forever.

And I disagree with people who are saying you should have arrnaged stuff with him. I am all for being honest and open with men when you are in a firmly established relationship. But in a new relationship, a man should be being proactive in these situations - he knew it was your birthday, he should have arranged something - if not for tonight, for a few days' time.

3 months is the magical time - you are beginning to get to know the real person, the romance is (should be) peaking. So this doesn't bode well really.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 10/06/2021 19:41

You guys can have a chat since you are in such similar situation
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4267093-ABU-to-expect-acknowledgement-of-my-birthday

justustwoandmoo · 10/06/2021 19:42

YANBU - I'd definitely be a bit upset with this. Would be nice for him to at least pop over with a card. Hope he has and happy birthday!! 🎂🎂

Original poster
Itsmybirthday321 · 10/06/2021 19:46

I have had my own plans during the day and have had a lovely time with my DD and friends. I booked AL today but I am usually at work. I can assure you I haven’t been sat on my own sulking all day 😂 he knew I wouldn’t be free in the day as DD is on half term and they haven’t met. He has come to see me once (last week) for a few hours while DD was asleep in bed which worked fine, and we agreed that’s now an option for us as we do both have busy lives and can struggle to see each other.

He has not long messaged me to say he has got me a present and it arrives on Monday. I hadn’t asked him about it and said thank you.

I was just confused and a bit hurt today. He’s usually very thoughtful and had asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday. I genuinely thought I had done something wrong or that he had gone off me!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 10/06/2021 19:46

I've voted YABU because you should be having conversations around expectations. Whenever I've been in a fairly new relationship, we've agreed in advance whether we are giving presents. If you are still together at Christmas, agree what you want to do in advance.

DavidTheDog · 10/06/2021 19:47

Don’t go looking for trouble. This is just the kind of thing I’d have built up huge in my mind. Birthdays are one of those things that people have very different perspectives on. Tell him that birthdays are important to you and that you’d really like to celebrate it with him by doing X.

Workinghardeveryday · 10/06/2021 19:50

@Itsmybirthday321 happy birthday!!!
Yes it is a bit shit.
I really am starting to think that men are on a different universe to us and haven’t got a clue when it comes to these things!!

Mountaingoatling · 10/06/2021 19:56

On Monday??????

So it's not a birthday present. It's a present on a different day because....your birthday didn't matter to him.

He's tested your obedience well today, I'd say.

I admire your spirit and sense of perspective, but he don't impress me much.

Redtartanshoes · 10/06/2021 20:05

I agree with @Mountaingoatling

He’s telling you he’s not organised and isn’t that fussed to do something nice. Listen to him. This combined with making no plans to see you is a red flag in my eyes, esp after 3 months and what you did for him.

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