How would you feel if you received this message?

[JWatts29]

NB: I have Aspergers so (can) struggle in typing out long messages like these to friends due to overthinking. I just want to check that it is not too long/overwhelming etc...

"Hi [friend's name], So sorry for the late reply – I am not on FB as much these days, that’s for sure! Great to hear that things are going well with your studies – how long to go now before you graduate? :)

I guess the second-wave has changed things in Italy since this too? We’re back in a full national lockdown here in the UK. I am so glad that there has been so much progress with the vaccines recently. About 5 and a half million people have been vaccinated here so far (including my grandad yesterday :D ), so hopefully all of this lockdown madness will be over soon! Do you think that you will stay in Italy after your studies? Also, sorry to hear that you contracted the virus – our parents bumped in to each other in [hometown] a few months ago and they were saying. Hope you’re all better from that now? I tested positive last spring and slept for days afterwards…

I finally(!!) graduated from university last year – all that hard-work, stress and occasional keyboard meltdowns were worth it in the end. Seriously speaking though, thank you so much for all your great tips about uni and I’m really sorry again if my ranting was overwhelming. Looking back, I got way too stressed about things that seem so trivial now but didn’t when I was there. It is quite upsetting reading back some of the things I said, especially like ‘I have no friends’. I guess I was just massively stressing myself by over-focusing on some bad experiences with a few people in my first-year and couldn’t see past it at the time. As difficult as it seemed at the time, I was always determined to go back there and graduate after that experience in my first-year, and so glad I did – I met so many wonderful friends there in the end. But it’s especially upsetting to think that I sent things like ‘I have no friends’ to you in particular, as I have always considered you as a friend – right from when we first met at pre-school haha – and a great one at that. :D

I was going to be starting my masters last September at uni in Scotland but due to the pandemic I will start this year (fingers-crossed). I feel so sorry for students here at the moment – I couldn’t imagine studying for a degree all over Zoom…. I managed to do quite a bit of travelling in Europe last summer after graduating – mainly Eastern Europe. I can’t wait for the borders to open again. Do you still like traveling? I really liked seeing your blog-posts and great photos from your travels a couple of years ago. Looked amazing, and very fun! I’m keeping busy working from home at the moment. I normally commuted to [city name] most weekdays back in the summer of 2017 when I did my first internship there, so the concept of ‘work from home’ and not seeing people face-to-face in an office was rather strange to me at first!"

Well it’s very long but if it’s a good friend you’re sending it to, I guess it’s fine!

NB: I forgot to add - I sent this in January (cue the confused posts about the dates etc!... - sorry. I still haven't heard back, even though their last message to me was friendly. Do you think it was overwhelming what I sent?

It seems like a nice letter. In fact I’d post it rather than message it!

Oh I see. Don’t over think it. You’re both busy.

@drawerofwater - I thought that... I always go OTT with length :/

This is what they sent to me, after I originally reached out to them:

"Hi [my name],

All good here. Still in [country name] doing the [degree]. So don't have a real lockdown.

Glad I was not in the UK for corona.

what are you doing these days?"

Did I go OTT in length in my reply?

No not at all, your reply was fine - they probably just didn't get round to replying. Why not send another message just saying how are you doing? X

I'd be delighted that someone sent me such a detailed message and valued my friendship enough to share their life with me and make time xx

I think it’s quite a long, deep reply to what is a very short, light message. If I was your friend, I’d feel like I needed to sit down and give it some time to write a reply that matched your message - I’d be worried a short reply would sound flippant. And realistically, if your friend is anything like me (a bit useless with replying to people at the best of times) I would probably struggle to find the time to do that and then forget about it!

But I don’t think she’s not replying because she has a problem with you or anything. If I were you, I’d find an excuse to write another, very short message for her to reply to. Something like ‘I saw x the other day and it reminded me of y and made me think of you. How are you getting on?’

You’re fine, I have friends I keep in touch with maybe just a few times a year and we send this type of message with several months worth of news.

Maybe send her a short one now to check in and get into the news of the last months only if you hear back. Like a PP says you’re both busy.

Its a nice reply but honestly think definitely a bit OTT in response to the short message they sent you. Honestly, I would feel overwhelmed to receive a message like that and like I needed to compose a long and in-depth reply so I would probably end up putting it off and not replying for a very long time if at all. I find it easier to stay in touch with people through lots of short messages than less frequent long ones. That said I would appreciate the message, it’s just the thought of replying would feel like a lot of pressure so I probably wouldn’t get around to it.

Your message was fine and probably received with warmth and happiness.

I have dear friends abroad whom I don't speak to more than a couple times a year but from whom I'm always happy to get a letter.

You shouldn't feel at all awkward or untoward.

Your reply was fine, but sounds like your friend (from their initial message) is more of a concise and to the point person when they message.

I wouldn’t over think it, people are busy - I go weeks and months before replying to friends sometimes and it’s not meant in anyway personally.

I agree that replying may have felt it needed time and then got forgotten . I think it's a lovely message. I would suggest you message again just to say hi and maybe acknowledge that the last message was long but that's your thing so kind of let them off the hook and go forward.

It's hard to say if you went OTT. I think that depends on the closeness of your relationship.

If you're good friends I think the message is fine, they might well want to know all of that and may just be busy.

If they're more of an acquaintance, I think it's a bit long and intense. Their message was quite short and casual. If you want to fit in with them, I'd try and match their length and tone.

Don't worry about it though. You like to send long messages, and that's fine. If they're a good friend that won't bother them, they may like that about you.

If they aren't a close friend, they may or may not find it a bit much. Maybe you're not going to be best friends, and thats also okay. You'd want to be able to be yourself with friends.

Yay, thank you all so, so much! My mentor helps me a lot in trying to not think this way, but I normally think (by default) that if they don't get back to me (it has been a few months now) that I did something wrong and they don't want to be friends anymore. I would then beat myself up for it (in terms of anxiety)... I think that is part-and-parcel of my condition, when I think in quite 'black and white' ways...

It's hard to say without knowing your relationship but in all honesty, I would find it too much to receive a message like that in reply to a fairly standard, light short message.
I obviously have no idea why your friend hasn't replied but if it were me I would be reluctant to reply in kind as I wouldnt want to get caught in a 'long messages back and forth' type scenario. And even if I liked the message and wanted to reply in kind, it may take a while to get round to doing so in similar detail!

Sometimes building up a messaging rapport can take time and to be honest, yours does read as a stream of consciousness in reply to their brief message. For some reason, I can hear Buddy the Elf with some of it - which I mean nicely as youre obviously enthusiastic in your reply but slightly overwhelming!

I think if I got a message that long, I'd almost feel pressured into responding to each separate bit of it, which would be rather overwhelming. So I might put it to one side while I thought about replying, and then forget to do it.

@MustardRose - Would you think badly of the sender though, or not want to be friends with them anymore?

I have a lovely friend who sends very long messages with lots of questions and news etc. Like a pp I do feel a little pressure to respond with a similar message so it then takes me a long time to respond. In all honesty I would prefer to be in touch more frequently but with shorter messages. Your friend may be feeling the same. I am always pleased to hear from her (and any friend) though.

The other thing is that you've referred to previous messages/conversations and twice mentioned that you had previously said you have no friends. It sounds like perhaps you are trying to make amends for saying this and in doing so you have ended up coming across as quite intense.

I hope you don't mind this feedback but it sounded like you were looking for an honest opinion. I agree with others that a short, friendly message with no pressure to reply is your best option if you want to reach out again.

Sounds good to me OP, I like a lot of detail too, so I'd be delighted to receive a message like that!

I think I'd echo her concise style. It is quite long. I'd have left out the depressing Covid stuff & kept the study info down to a couple of lines. People seem to prefer short to the point stuff. I should add your style is very me , but I Iearnt people found it a bit much.

Because you sent it in January, I'd message a short, "I haven't heard from you since my last message, I hope you're all well. Take care."

It is very long compared to what they wrote so does come across a bit intense and also is quite a lot about you. It is fine it is just a different style as theirs is more conversational. Your reply doesn't give them much more to ask you as you've told them a lot so they may just not know what to say.

@Beautiful3 - Great idea, thanks so much :)

I think it was long for messaging. It's more of a Christmas email kind of detail really. Your style is lovely and conversational, but messaging isn't really like that.

I have a friend who sends the occasional letter which makes your message almost brief! It's lovely that she keeps in touch but it's always a bit much for me, and I tend to just skim it, and then can't face writing back, because it feels so onerous to write even a quarter of what she does, and any less would seem rude.

So yep, I'd keep messaging much more brief. I'm sure your friend wasn't offended though. She might have been surprised, but her lack of response is more likely to be as many of us said - too much of an effort to reply in kind straight away, and your level of detail leaves her with nothing more to ask or pick up on.