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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret TTC this month and hope it hasn't worked?

36 replies

blaisealex · 10/06/2021 14:48

Have a 3 year old DS. Also had a miscarriage last year at 6 weeks.

For several months now I've been desperate to TTC again. Sort of clouded vision, in fantasy baby world. DH was reluctant but agreed to try.

TMI: we DTD Monday Night and Tuesday morning. App said fertile window is this week. Particularly Tuesday. But I always know when I'm ovulating because of discharge and ovulation pain. Which has occurred today (Thursday).

Anyway, I woke up on Wednesday morning feel utterly horrified and very regretful that we hadn't used protection. It was a huge WTF was I thinking moment. I don't want another baby. Well, part of me does, obviously. That's why I was trying in the first place. But it's not practical on so many levels. I can't cope with 9 months of pregnancy, sacrificing my bad habits, or going through labour. Lack of sleep, money, etc. And many more complex reasons. Pros and cons, etc.

So AIBU, to now be desperately hoping that it hasn't worked. And that DHs Tuesday Sperm died quickly now that I'm ovulating two days later.

And now I have the the torturous two week wait before I find out whether we've been lucky or unlucky.

OP posts:
Whitchurch · 10/06/2021 14:56

Morning after pill?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 10/06/2021 14:57

Go and get the morning after pill

WettyHainthrop · 10/06/2021 14:57

Too late for MaP if OP has already ovulated. All you can do is get the emergency IUD.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/06/2021 14:58

Yep, go get the MAP.

Don't give yourself a horrendous wait, and then a potentially stressful pregnancy. It's okay if it's not the right time. You have options now that are better than the ones down the road.

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 14:59

I think I started ovulating yesterday but I know I am definitely ovulating today so too late for MAP I think.

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/06/2021 14:59

Ah dammit I forgot that, @WettyHainthrop.

Is an IUD an option, OP? Not the most appealing, perhaps, but better than a pregnancy you don't want?

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 14:59

@WettyHainthrop

Too late for MaP if OP has already ovulated. All you can do is get the emergency IUD.
Sorry, what's an IUD?
OP posts:
Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 15:05

Sorry, just googled. I'd be reluctant to get an IUD. I have polycystic ovaries and suspected Endo. For this reason, my DH uses Condoms normally as I don't want anything that will mess my periods about.

OP posts:
Zzzzzzxxx · 10/06/2021 15:05

IUD is the coil

WettyHainthrop · 10/06/2021 15:06

Well, back to hoping then OP Sad It’s still not as widely known as it should be that the MAP only works by preventing ovulation.

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 15:09

@WettyHainthrop

Well, back to hoping then OP Sad It’s still not as widely known as it should be that the MAP only works by preventing ovulation.
Desperately hoping because if I do get a positive I'll have to go ahead with the pregnancy.
OP posts:
bitheby · 10/06/2021 15:10

The chance of conception each month is not high as plenty of us on the conception boards will testify as we repeatedly try unsuccessfully month after month. So you've more chance of not being pregnant than being pregnant.

Nothing is unreasonable of course but maybe look on it that you can't do anything else now and you'll cross each bridge as you get to it.

cinammonbuns · 10/06/2021 15:12

@blaisealex why would you have to?

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 15:15

@bitheby

The chance of conception each month is not high as plenty of us on the conception boards will testify as we repeatedly try unsuccessfully month after month. So you've more chance of not being pregnant than being pregnant.

Nothing is unreasonable of course but maybe look on it that you can't do anything else now and you'll cross each bridge as you get to it.

Yes, I realise that. We were trying for well over a year for DS and reaching a point where we thought it wouldn't happen.

Then when were began TTC last summer, I fell pregnant straight away. As in the OP though, I miscarried at six weeks.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 10/06/2021 15:16

OP, if you were all prepared to TTC and then suddenly had a change of heart, while I agree that all your reasons are good reasons and I don’t want to dismiss them, is it possible that a large part is you don’t want to face another miscarriage? I know the pain and grieving can be not just awful but also complex. Most of the things you mention are an issue now were probably an issue before your miscarriage, I assume, so it is the biggest difference (unless it was an unplanned pregnancy, in which case, I would say perhaps the issue is still that you didn’t give yourself the opportunity to “panic” like you are now, because you felt it was already happening).

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 15:17

[quote cinammonbuns]@blaisealex why would you have to?[/quote]
Abortion is something DH would never consider. And I'd feel obliged to continue as DH was reluctant in the first place but agreed eventually because it was what I wanted. To then turn around and tell him I've changed my mind and want an abortion, he'd be pretty angry and upset probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 15:23

@RightYesButNo

OP, if you were all prepared to TTC and then suddenly had a change of heart, while I agree that all your reasons are good reasons and I don’t want to dismiss them, is it possible that a large part is you don’t want to face another miscarriage? I know the pain and grieving can be not just awful but also complex. Most of the things you mention are an issue now were probably an issue before your miscarriage, I assume, so it is the biggest difference (unless it was an unplanned pregnancy, in which case, I would say perhaps the issue is still that you didn’t give yourself the opportunity to “panic” like you are now, because you felt it was already happening).
I suppose that could be part of it. Last year was a really tough year for us as a family. I'd always wanted to have a second child but after a crap first pregnancy and labour it took me a while to be ready again to start trying for a second. Last summer after such a rough year, we finally felt ready. Then we had the miscarriage. Since then I've spent my time trying to sort myself out and get myself in a good place mentally. Then the last month or so I've finally felt in a good place and the longing for another returned. Having previously felt like I'd come to terms with only having one. The longing that returned overwhelmed me. I let it take over and now I'm not really sure what I want. I'm scared. And torn.
OP posts:
RizzleRazzle · 10/06/2021 15:25

He doesn't have to consider it, it's not his body and not his decision

WettyHainthrop · 10/06/2021 15:35

Yeah agree with a PP. An abortion is not really anything to do with your husband, it’s not his body.

Bluetrews25 · 10/06/2021 15:54

The 'DH doesn't want an abortion' (paraphrasing) got my back up, I'm afraid. He would not be having one. He would also not be going through the pregnancy, labour, risks to health, sleepless nights, loss of earnings and pension..... If you don't want this pregnancy (if it even takes) then an early termination can be discreet, I believe. You don't HAVE to continue. And if you do have to continue, you clearly have a DH problem. No DH should force his wishes on his DW regarding a pregnancy.

denverRegina · 10/06/2021 15:57

Your DH would never have to consider having an abortion since he doesn't have a womb.

Original poster
blaisealex · 10/06/2021 16:01

I mean, DH wouldn't force me to keep it or give me any ultimatums or anything but I know he'd be upset and he would definitely tell me that he doesn't agree with the decision. And he would be annoyed that I talked him into it and then changed my mind.

OP posts:
BetterThanKleenex · 10/06/2021 16:06

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, have you sought any support for it? Even if it's just speaking to someone neutral it might help you come to terms with what happened.

Do you think you could talk to him about this? Say you're having second thoughts and would like some support- either way you're both in the same boat of not really ready for or wanting a baby but willing and able to go ahead if you are pregnant.

If anything he might appreciate knowing your concerns- he might be having the same worries. And if you are pregnant, your options will be more open if you're both aware of each others feelings.

BuckellsTrunshon · 10/06/2021 16:08

I think it's totally normal to have a wobble when ttc/finding out you have conceived your second child. You can get so focused on the idea of trying and then once its a reality (or might be!) you have a real 'shit, what have I done?!' moment. Just remember there's never a perfect time and it's normal to have worries. Whichever way it works out for you this month I hope you find peace with it Flowers

LM20 · 10/06/2021 16:10

I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago. TTC for a year with my DD and when I did fall pregnant I felt regret - I was scared, vulnerable and wanted to have an abortion as I felt it was inevitable I would have another miscarriage. Thankfully everything was fine and I now have a darling (some days devil) 2 year old.

Could it be that your emotions/anxiety are taking over? Hoping you get the outcome you wish for 🌺