AIBU to be pissed at DH making me the bad guy?

[PracticallyMarvelous]

Will try to keep it brief. DSC wants a particular pet.

DH is quite soft and can agree to things without really thinking them through so that he can be 'good Dad'.

I think it's a bad idea right now and I really don't want to get this animal. I've explained to DH why. Mainly the reasons why are 1. Will have to live in the house and they smell. 2. It will definitely end up falling to me to look after it. DSC will, as most kids do I imagine, promise to look after it at first and then after about a week it will fall to us. And by us I mean me as DH works and I don't (at the moment) and he likes to use this as his excuse not to do various things. I can see it now 'i can't clean out X because I've been working all day and I'm too tired' etc etc. And thirdly, we have other larger pets which wouldn't be particularly friendly if they managed to get to this new pet.

Anyway, DSC asked again last night and even though he reluctantly agreed with me that it wasn't a good idea the other day, DH basically decided to tell them it was me that had said no and who they would need to convince with a smile on his face. Now I'm getting hounded about this flipping pet and begged and 'but whyyyyyy', I'll do X Y and Z (chores) and so on...

I feel this is really unfair. More so because I'm not actually DSCs parent and so our relationship, whilst good, has the potential to turn sour more easily and I don't want to be seen by DSC as the horrible step mum saying no.

AIBU to be really pissed off with DH that he's put me in this position?

P.s we already have pets so it's not like DSC has no animals. And whilst I won't say this to DSC obviously as I don't want to get their hopes up if it still ends up being no I just don't think now is a good time for this or that it would be sensible or right for the new pet. If in the future circumstances were better we could maybe consider it then.

Maddening. your answer is surely ‘your dad says he won’t feed it, take it for walks and to the vet.’

Your DH is a prick, and I would be having very strong words with him away from the DC. How dare he say that? He should present a united parenting front with you.

I feel your pain my now dh got/allowed his dd to write me a letter asking oh so very nicely for something I already said I didn't want to give her. Words were had about making me the bad guy and how snivelling and unattractive it made him look to me. It took a while but repeatedly calling him out on it including in front of my dsc did eventually sort it out.

@timeisnotaline

Maddening. your answer is surely ‘your dad says he won’t feed it, take it for walks and to the vet.’

This is the problem, because he's saying he will. He said if DSC don't, he will look after it and I won't have to do anything.

Except I know with 1000% certainty that this won't happen.

If it weren't a living animal I'd be willing to just say fine but I'm not doing it if you don't. But I'd obviously not allow an animal to go uncared for so I would end up doing it and I don't want this pet! 🤦‍♀️

You're right it is maddening.

@Whinginadeville

I feel your pain my now dh got/allowed his dd to write me a letter asking oh so very nicely for something I already said I didn't want to give her. Words were had about making me the bad guy and how snivelling and unattractive it made him look to me. It took a while but repeatedly calling him out on it including in front of my dsc did eventually sort it out.

That's what I've had nearly. Not a letter but 'maybe if you do X and Z for a bit and show you can be trusted then Particularly might say yes'.

So now I'm getting told about all the things they've done that day to help out like chores etc... And I feel awful.

Practically** forgot my own username 🤣

Presume it's a dog - can you borrow a friends whilst they go on holiday ?

@notapizzaeater

Presume it's a dog - can you borrow a friends whilst they go on holiday ?

No it's not a dog. It's a small animal. But we do already have a dog and cats that would really not be friendly if they got to it!

Can't they have the pet at mums house ? If you e already got dogs and cats then I'd be buggered if I added anymore to the mix !

@notapizzaeater

Can't they have the pet at mums house ? If you e already got dogs and cats then I'd be buggered if I added anymore to the mix !

No, Mum also has bigger pets that could potentially harm it.

This won't solve your Dh-problem but to shut them all up, tell them you went to see some to see what they're like and turns out your allergic.

So it's accepted that at mum's the bigger existing pets rule out this new pet... But at your house not so?
I'd say no... As your mum has already told you, dogs and cats do not mix with Guinea pig/snake/rat..

You're in a lose-lose situation here. You know that it will fall to you. But DH and DSC are absolutely 100% certain that it will not. So in their minds, you are being mean and unfair and in your mind, you are being realistic.

You could call your DH's bluff? Say fine, I am 100% NOT caring for this animal and it is 100% your problem and if the animal is not fed/cleaned etc you will simply return the animal (I'm assuming it's something like a hamster?) to the pet shop?

DS wanted fish. I said I was not dealing with fish tanks at any point. DH said he would do it. He does. I have the sense he occasionally resents it, but tough, I don't like fish, don't want fish, hate fish water and want nothing to do with the entire thing.

Get them a practise one. A soft toy in a cage. They need to change the water and food daily. Take it out and play with it daily. Clean it out weekly. If they do it every day without fail for three months then they can have a real one.

Your Dh is a spineless ass. He needs to explain the facts as they are - we cannot get a hamster/gerbil/rat because they are not able to be friends with the dog and cats. If we get a hamster/gerbil/rat, chances are it won't last a week as the larger animals will scare it off or kill it. So the answer is no today, it will be no tomorrow and no forever!

Tell them you will not take care of the animal once they get bored and mean it. They get one chance before you return the animal. Sod that.

I would hammer the point home that the existing pets could harm/kill it. We’ve had to do similar as DS2 wants a hamster, and it’s an absolute no because the cat would kill it. I’ve had to be quite blunt about it as the pleading was getting ridiculous.and since your DH has be such a knob about it, I’d be telling DSC that he may be happy to have that on his conscience but you are not!

YANBU. I'd be annoyed at that if DH did it with our joint kids but as you say with step kids there's an added dimension there which makes it worse.

I really don't want to get a pet with the idea of 'it they don't look after it I'll just send it back'. If we get a pet I would expect to keep it which is precisely why I've said no, because it would be me doing the keeping!

Can you remember you have an allergy to this kind of animal? But yes I would be furious. Tell your DH to sort his act out and just say no to the child.

He's a prick, tell his brat to STFU, problem solved.
For more domestic harmony tips log on to
Mywayorthehighway.uk 😎

They aren't a brat

Just own being “the bad guy”

You can’t win here

Basically you should examine a relationship where your loving partner puts you in a fix like this

YANBU. The thing about passive aggression is, its still aggression.

Rabbit/Guinea pig by any chance?

They aren’t an animal for a child to look after by themselves

They 100% need an adult to pitch in

Yanbu