AIBU to be pissed at DH making me the bad guy?

[PracticallyMarvelous]

Will try to keep it brief. DSC wants a particular pet.

DH is quite soft and can agree to things without really thinking them through so that he can be 'good Dad'.

I think it's a bad idea right now and I really don't want to get this animal. I've explained to DH why. Mainly the reasons why are 1. Will have to live in the house and they smell. 2. It will definitely end up falling to me to look after it. DSC will, as most kids do I imagine, promise to look after it at first and then after about a week it will fall to us. And by us I mean me as DH works and I don't (at the moment) and he likes to use this as his excuse not to do various things. I can see it now 'i can't clean out X because I've been working all day and I'm too tired' etc etc. And thirdly, we have other larger pets which wouldn't be particularly friendly if they managed to get to this new pet.

Anyway, DSC asked again last night and even though he reluctantly agreed with me that it wasn't a good idea the other day, DH basically decided to tell them it was me that had said no and who they would need to convince with a smile on his face. Now I'm getting hounded about this flipping pet and begged and 'but whyyyyyy', I'll do X Y and Z (chores) and so on...

I feel this is really unfair. More so because I'm not actually DSCs parent and so our relationship, whilst good, has the potential to turn sour more easily and I don't want to be seen by DSC as the horrible step mum saying no.

AIBU to be really pissed off with DH that he's put me in this position?

P.s we already have pets so it's not like DSC has no animals. And whilst I won't say this to DSC obviously as I don't want to get their hopes up if it still ends up being no I just don't think now is a good time for this or that it would be sensible or right for the new pet. If in the future circumstances were better we could maybe consider it then.

Do what I did. Say go ahead then, get the pet, but im not looking after it unless both child and husband are too ill to look after it, and that's only temporary. If I have to look after it even once for any other excuse, it gets taken away and sold to someone who will look after it immediately.

I did that when I was asked if we could get a dog. The change of mind happened very quick.

If it's a rabbit or guinea pig they need way more looking after than you think. We have a house rabbit and I can assure you DH never gets round to cleaning it out, it's all on me and DC never will. If it's a hamster in a cage then the DC can transport it between houses and it lives in their room (and keeps them only awake)

Be so firm in saying no and also saying aloud to DC in front of DH that it's totally unacceptable to put pressure on you when you have already said no, DC can get the pet of their choice when they have their own house

I think you need to tell your husband that if he can show he'll do more around the house for six months you'll consider it. He won't!

I think that's a real dickish move by your dh.

Don't get the pet - it would be very irresponsible and cruel to get one planning to get rid of it in the future when they inevitably don't care for it. Animals are not objects that can be got rid of when inconvenient.

Is there any chance of a family meeting when you can have an open discussion and say you were hurt that your dh told you he agreed with you and then told the dsc something different?

Normally I'd be saying you should trust your partner if they promise to do all the care of a pet, but your dh does seem to have let you down badly, so I suspect your instincts are spot on.

@AnUnoriginalUsername

Get them a practise one. A soft toy in a cage. They need to change the water and food daily. Take it out and play with it daily. Clean it out weekly. If they do it every day without fail for three months then they can have a real one.

That’s actually a really good idea!

I’d be honest with the child and say that whilst you believe they have every intention to look after the pet there will be times when they won’t be able to, that the pet they would like won’t fit into the family and will be highly stressed living in an environment where they are potentially going to be killed any minute.

Ask the child if they would like to live in fear like that and whether they think that would be nice for the pet?

I think that's a real dickish move by your dh.

It really is!

I love @AnUnoriginalUsername suggestion though, guaranteed the novelty will have worn off after a couple of weeks

Yikes. I’d have had no issue saying right in front of DSC that actually he was against it when we spoke last night and I’m not sure why he thinks it’s okay to pretend it’s on me. And if he pushed I’d say that since he seems to be fine with changing his mind about getting the pet without my knowing, surely he’d be fine with changing his mind about who will be taking care of the pet without my knowing. And then I’d stare at him.

This is a bit of a cop-out, but why not make the existing pets the bad guys? My DC very much wanted guinea pigs for a while. I said no, because the cats would try to hunt them, and even if they didn't actually get their paws on the guinea pigs, the guinea pigs would be stressed and miserable (as anyone would be if they had to live with someone bigger and stronger who really wanted to eat you!). They got the message after a while.

I’d definitely be having words with my OH if he pulled this kind of dickish move. Not cool at all.

Given you have pets already, could you get the child to take over care of one or other of them - food, water, exercise - as a test of responsibility for a while? Maybe they do really well, maybe they do naff all. Who knows, you could luck out and they end up appreciating the pets they already have more.

Another thought… if they are a DSC then presumably they spend a reasonable amount of time at another home. Is the squirrel/rat/iguana moving between the two with them? What does the co-parent think of their child’s pet request?

Combination of ideas posted already. If your husband is so sure he would do all the care, what's stopping him doing that now for your existing pets? Tell him if he takes over all the care for them for the next three months, without moaning, no asking you unless he's genuinely ill, then you might believe he'll do it for the new one. The chances of this are low.

YANBU. Just state it won’t work because of existing pets, the answers no and stop asking and just keep repeating

Then I would be having firm words with dh and telling him that he never, ever puts you in this position again

Do you think it "outing" to say hamster or something?

Or whatever smelly small caged rodent it is.

No offence meant but bloody hell!

Don't back down though. You will end up cleaning the stinky little buggers cage out till it dies and you have to get another one, for you to again look after.

Sod that.

I would just say to DSC prey animals and hunters can't live together because the small animal will be constantly stressed.

And then have a very cross word with DP for putting you in that position!!

Get them a Tamagotchi

I’d give H such a rocket!

Say no. Mean no and say that you know it would fall to you, be in permanent peril because of the existing pets and you’re not going to agree to another pet under any circumstances

Been down this well-travelled road, OP!
Grandad got a huge white rabbit for then-6yr old ds… without asking me and DH😡 it followed me around as I (of course) did the feeding cleaning out, exercise etc. DS soo got bored as rabbits don’t really ‘do’ anything. It eventually died and I was the only one who really missed it.
When ds earns his own money doing a paper round… he bought a bloody hamster😱 See above for novelty wearing off episode/ Mum cleans up after it etc etc.
Fast forward, he’s now mid 40s and a cat devotee!
I def would not have smaller pets when kids are still small kids. If you have dogs etc, that’s enough.
Stand strong… you will def end up the Mum who does the
poop-scooping💩