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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ABU to expect acknowledgement of my birthday?

60 replies

Placeandtime · 10/06/2021 10:50

I've been seeing a guy for approx 4 months.
I really like him but it feels like he's a much slower burner. I want to see where it goes. However
It was my birthday on Monday and he didn't acknowledge it. After a few months would you expect your birthday to be acknowledged? For his birthday I took him out for a meal and got a card.
Is it a bit crap? Or do I need to calm down and see where it goes?

OP posts:

WaltzForDebbie · 10/06/2021 18:24

Going against the grain here. Some of my family don't really celebrate birthdays outside the immediate family eg. no birthday cards to siblings or nieces and nephews etc. No idea why really and it upsets me a bit. But they are still really generous at others times, will offer to pay etc when we meet up. I think they are just disorganised and not really into getting stuff. They often just go out for their birthdays and don't really do presents. I wouldn't ruin the relationship over it if this is the only thing wrong.

lostitall · 10/06/2021 18:29

If he's not mad keen to impress you this early on the chances are this is as good as it's going to get
What's so amazing about him you feel this is all you deserve?

CliftonGreenYork · 10/06/2021 18:47

Get rid of him. If this is how we acts at the start of the relationship, then it a very clear warning that he is not a thoughtful man.

Suprima · 10/06/2021 19:11

@Placeandtime

I suppose I'm hoping that over time a more serious relationship will develop.

Why do you want serious relationship with someone who didn’t celebrate your birthday?

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 19:14

@Qwqqtttr

Lighthearted advice ..

If he knew it was your birthday, just tell him you expect a card and present from him.

If he didn’t know tell him it’s your birthday and ditto.

Some (many? most?) men are like dogs they need to be told in words of one syllable what behaviour you expect from them. That’s why men like bitches and flirts. They know where they stand.

That may be, but would you actually want to go out with someone who operates at that basic a level?

amethystprimrose · 10/06/2021 19:16

Honestly, I don't think he's that interested. He should definitely have made some kind of a acknowledgement of your birthday.

I would be backing away from the situation.

billy1966 · 10/06/2021 19:30

OP,
Did you pay for the meal?

He's either lazy, disinterested or tight?
None of it good.

It's very easy to try and fool yourself that he's laid back, very chilled, bla bla bla.....

These are just words to make you feel better because he is NOT that into you.

It hurts.
It's a bit embarrassing.

Most people experience it.

The thing is to recognise it and take it on the chin.

Don't chase a man that isn't into you.

You will never get what you want from him and you are further away from meeting the man who will be into you.

Know your value.

Workinghardeveryday · 10/06/2021 19:46

@Placeandtime happy belated birthday!!
He should have acknowledged yes!! Totally.
I even asked dp what he thought and he said definitely yes - abs he is crap at birthdays - including mine!!
Tell him!!

stackemhigh · 10/06/2021 19:50

He knew it was my birthday. I took him out kinda with us celebrating both our birthdays.

He's a twat who took your offer of a meal out as an excuse to get out of doing anything for him.

Who usually pays for meals out, do you go 50/50?

Sadsiblingatsea · 10/06/2021 19:53

They start the way they go on. It will get worse, not better.
Don’t chase him.

londonscalling · 11/06/2021 00:16

If he is so inconsiderate in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, you've no chance further down the line. Kick him to the curb! X

frazzledasarock · 11/06/2021 09:49

@Qwqqtttr

Lighthearted advice ..

If he knew it was your birthday, just tell him you expect a card and present from him.

If he didn’t know tell him it’s your birthday and ditto.

Some (many? most?) men are like dogs they need to be told in words of one syllable what behaviour you expect from them. That’s why men like bitches and flirts. They know where they stand.

I don't see this as light hearted advice.

Men are no less able to remember dates and make a day special than a woman.

You don't need a uterus to be able to pick up a card from the supermarket or send a happy birthday text.

Ex would never 'remember' my birthday it was one of a long list of things that made him an ex.

Look birthdays are important to you, you marked his, the decent thing for this man to do would have been to reciprocate. Or if he 'doesn't do' birthdays he would have said.

Bin him, he is happy to have you run around after him but can't be bothered to make a small effort for you.
And this is the phase in your relationship where you are making an effort for eachother.

Shemeanswell · 11/06/2021 09:54

Who paid on his birthday meal?

PixieLaLa · 11/06/2021 09:58

It doesn't sound great if he can't be bothered to make an effort from the start!
He either sees the relationship as casual so why would he bother or he's just thoughtless in general. Either way sounds like you deserve better.

Youdoyoutoday · 11/06/2021 10:01

I wouldn't like that, did he know?

ddl1 · 11/06/2021 10:06

Did you let him know that it was your birthday? If so, then it was rude of him not to acknowledge it; though it shouldn't be a deal-breaker if in general he is kind and respectful toward you.

It does somewhat depend on how he treats his own special days. If he expects you to treat him like royalty on his birthday, but ignores yours, that is a big red flag. If he just doesn't make a big deal over such occasions, then I don't think it's that important, though you should let him know that you do want your birthday to be a special day, so as to avoid resentments further down the road.

Personally, I absolutely hate my birthday, and can't bear to have it acknowledged in any way. If someone ignored my wishes on that, it would be a deal-breaker. So I think that a lot of it is a matter of respecting the other person's wishes - whether it's to have their birthday treated as a royal occasion, or to have it ignored completely.

fashionablefennel · 11/06/2021 10:06

Even people who barely know me wish me a "happy birthday" if they find out it's my birthday!

Fair enough some adults don't like to celebrate or be reminded of THEIR birthday, but it's not on to completely ignore other's, especially your girlfriend.

fashionablefennel · 11/06/2021 10:09

I suppose I'm hoping that over time a more serious relationship will develop.

you can hope for better presents or a more appropriate way to celebrate, (some people are shocking at the start of a relationship when they don't know each other well!), but there's no "hope" of someone starting to give a damn.

AT LEAST tell him you find it upsetting to be ignored.

What have you got to loose? At best he wakes up, at worst he wants to run a mile because it's too serious for him - so at least you know.

Heisbeingweird · 11/06/2021 13:36

I think you are looking at this all wrong. All this talk of wondering if he's into you, will it develop into something more, finding it hard to know if he has feelings is a waste of time IMO.

You can't know what is going on with someone else and trying to solve a puzzle is pointless. All you can know is what is going on in your own head.

I would be focusing on figuring out if this is good enough for you. Is a guy who happily accepts a celebration of his birthday with no intention to reciprocate good enough for you.

It wouldn't be good enough for me. I would be very calmly and politely saying to him that I don't see it working out, generosity is important to me. I enjoy being generous and I expect it in a partner. I don't find his behaviour attractive and don't think we are compatible longer term.

Viviennemary · 11/06/2021 13:39

It means he's not that into you. If a guy is keen he gives you a present and card even if it's only days after you first met. Get rid..

AiryFlyingFairy · 11/06/2021 13:48

Hope you had a nice birthday despite this. It is shabby on his part especially after 4 months. I wonder if he's going to surprise you belatedly with a delivery or take you out. Completely thoughtless if not and doesn't bode well for future.
You could jokingly ask, "Is my card still in the post?!" Good luck.

Umbra · 11/06/2021 13:56

@billy1966 - know your value.

I really like this. I wish it had occurred to me when I was younger!

@Placeandtime - it's possible he thought the meal was a joint celebration, but no card, no present? Completely thoughtless.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/06/2021 14:39

Ita fine if he is really chilled and doesnt really celebrate birthdays. But in that case when you were celebrating his, and giving him a gift, he should really have said 'oh thanks but there was no need, I'm honestly not fussed about birthdays and don't really 'do' them'. Celebrating his birthday with you and then not acknowledging yours at all is just rude and to me, it shows he is happy in a situation where is is taking more than he is giving

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 16:32

[quote Umbra]@billy1966 - know your value.

I really like this. I wish it had occurred to me when I was younger!

@Placeandtime - it's possible he thought the meal was a joint celebration, but no card, no present? Completely thoughtless.[/quote]
A lot of the trite sayings are simple but true.

Value yourself FIRST.

My daughters are quite empathetic and kind, but I have from an early age drilled inyo them to put themselves FIRST and others next......just like men do instinctively.🤔🙄

Haven't had to have these conversations with my sons!!

Social conditioning that I want to protect my girls from, in as much as I can!

Whyhello · 11/06/2021 17:29

I remember the first birthday after I met my DH, we’d only been together for a month and he bought me quite a few gifts. All were really thoughtful and none missed the mark at all, I appreciated it although didn’t expect it. I think it’s a poor show not to acknowledge it at all when you’ve been together 4 months.

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