Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or DH whose BU? Chronic illnesses

34 replies

whyareallthegoodnamestakenx · 10/06/2021 08:30

I have several illnesses that basically make my body and brain spammy. I'm currently being investigated for MS as well as another condition of mine has progressed recently meaning I've gone from having a few good days here and there to none.
When it all flares up I'm useless and now the flare ups are just my normal day to day life. I've accepted I need to go onto medication to control it however the medication has major side effects until it's into my system properly and working.
My partner is my carer and we have DC. We have been together many years and he's known about my illnesses since I first found out I gave him a out explaining eventually I will end up in a wheel chair etc, and he didn't take it.
He's becoming frequently futrasted that I can't do things like cook dinner, do the morning school run (my tablets still have effect in the morning) etc. However he can also be great and understanding just depends on the day.
Whose being unreasonable? I've explained to him I'm hoping to feel a bit better in myself once this New medication has kicked in and he needs to be patient but his moans are getting me down like doesn't he think I'm just as upset that I can't do something?! Sad

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/06/2021 08:32

Neither is being unreasonable it’s a massive adjustment for both of you.

DDiva · 10/06/2021 08:34

You both need to be understanding of each other. There will be ups and downs but the most important thing is talk and support each other.

Packitupwillya · 10/06/2021 08:34

If he’s being nasty to you then that isn’t acceptable, but you can’t expect him not to be frustrated with the situation, I’m sure you’re frustrated with it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/06/2021 08:35

Ha only human, and sounds quite supportive. Perhaps he’s reached the end of his tether. It sounds difficult for you both.

SparklyLeprechaun · 10/06/2021 08:36

Neither of you is being unreasonable. It's hard for you, it's also hard for him - he hasn't signed up for this either.

ikeepseeingit · 10/06/2021 08:42

Im sure you’re both shattered. He’s allowed to feel frustrated, but not at you. In terms of practical day to day life can you afford to get a cleaner in? It will take off the strain from your husband and yourself a bit.

Original poster
whyareallthegoodnamestakenx · 10/06/2021 08:56

No we don't need a cleaner. That's not the issue. I can clean it just takes me longer than usual and then exhausts me but I enjoy doing it so it's something I want to continue doing for myself.
It's more driving (he can't drive despite me asking him to pass his test!)/cooking/DC. I've asked for OT involvement to adapt the house so I can do more but it's a long wait and to change my car to automatic but I can't currently drive while I'm like this.
I understand it's a big adjusement to him as well but he's had 6 years to come to terms with this just like I have. I just don't know how to make him happy, I'm really trying my hardest. Sad

OP posts:
FrDamo · 10/06/2021 08:56

I imagine he's just venting as a coping mechanism. Not ideal obviously when he's venting at the "cause" not a third party.

My OH has various minor ailments and I get to hear about them all in minute detail, on repeat. I let it waft over me because he doesn't want my opinion or to listen to any advice, he just wants to vent.

ChatterMonkey · 10/06/2021 09:03

Having 6 years to come to terms with an abstract situation in the future is very different to the day to day reality of being in the actual situation.

In the nicest way possible, you need to let go of the fact that you 'warned' him about this, and just deal with the situation you have now, and work out coping strategies that both of you can put into place to help.

Whether you like doing housework, and accept it takes you longer, this is something that is very easy to outsource so it might be worth getting a cleaner for your partners sake, to free up time to allow you to focus on other roles that would help readress the balance, but keep within what you are able to do.

Elieza · 10/06/2021 09:14

I have a long term health condition too and I had a partner.

I’m my case he didn’t believe me. Like I was making up symptoms to get out of doing household chores or going to my work. Like I was “at it”.

All he thought about was himself. That HE had to do some things I’d previously done, that HE had to actually pull his weight because of an illness that has no physical tests as diagnoses depends on symptoms that I could be lying about.

He didn’t say these things voluntarily. I had to drag it out of him. He basically thought I was just lazy. I was told that as I was just lazing about all day on paid sick leave I should do all the housework as he was at his work all day and I wasn’t. Unbelievable.

I dumped him although I was scared to be on my own because if my symptoms. It was the right thing for me to do. He didn’t respect me.

I hope once you have a diagnoses that your partner is better than mine was. You could get him to read up on your condition or speak to others with it. It could be that it’s just making life difficult for him trying to get to work etc. But if he doesn’t believe you have a condition though I would consider if you want to remain with him. What kind of loving partner disbelieves their loved one is ill?!

Palavah · 10/06/2021 09:19

If you want to clean yourself but have the budget for help then what about getting someone in to do some homecooked meals? There was a single mum on here a few weeks ago saying she's swapped to that instead of wraparound care now that she can WFH and she was raving about how helpful it has been.
Is there anyone else who could help with school runs?

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 09:19

He might have had 6 years to adjust but I think until the reality hits it might have been hard for him to realise just how much life has changed. As long as he isn't doubting your diagnosis or trying to make put you are being lazy I think you can work through it. He might have to have those driving lessons now and maybe he could do some batch cooking at the weekendsm

tropicalwaterdiver · 10/06/2021 09:26

Why is it a long wait to change your car to automatic? Do you own your current car? Can you part exchange it for automatic?

LittleOwl153 · 10/06/2021 09:28

He shouldn't be taking it out on you. That is wrong and inexcusable.
Life with disabilities is tough - however understanding them from the outside is often impossible.
Sit down and talk to him. Make a list of the things you can't do right now and see how you can get them done differently without him having to pick up all the slack as well as worry about where all this is going in the future.
As a PP suggests look at someone cooking your dinner or doing the morning school run for you. Try to take the pressure off you both and take care of each other.

Original poster
whyareallthegoodnamestakenx · 10/06/2021 09:33

My car is on the mobility scheme. I've ordered an automatic but there's a 4 month wait due to covid etc. I've still got my current one but it's manual. I can't drive right now as I have numbness in my feet and can't feel the pedals very well and numbness in my hand so unless I'm looking at the clutch I haven't got a clue what I'm doing if that makes sense! It's very hard to explain.

OP posts:
cupsofcoffee · 10/06/2021 09:33

Having six years to come to terms with something is very different from actually living with it, though - and I mean that as gently as possible.

Are there any support groups he can access for people who are in this same situation as him so he has a place outside the home to talk about how he feels?

I don't imagine it's nice to hear him moan but if his life revolves solely around caring for you and the DC and he has no job or anything to go to - I can understand him feeling quite down about things - NOT because you're a burden or anything but because he has a lot on his plate and no real escape or place to vent.

Be nice to each other Thanks

Original poster
whyareallthegoodnamestakenx · 10/06/2021 09:35

Thank you I'll look into the meals thing. :) I think that would help us a lot more even if it's once or twice a week! I didn't even think about that.
My DC will be picked up in a taxi from next year from the house as he'll be attending a SEN school so that'll be helpful as well and more pressure off.

OP posts:
Keepingitreal14 · 10/06/2021 09:39

I think you both need to sit down and agree the priorities for each of you, not just him or you.

Things like you like doing the cleaning but it takes a long time and leaves you exhausted, could this energy be better used elsewhere, could you fund someone to do the school run instead of a cleaner.
Taking your test isn't that easy for some people, you sound quite resentful about that part. Can you really not find a way of switching the car sooner, can you take your medication and hour earlier so it wears off earlier (I have to do this now). All of this needs communicating.

I totally get it, I have a chronic illness that even when I'm not typically ill with it, the fatigue all the time is just something else. We talked about me dropping some hours to fit more in around the house but decided that I'd rather pay a cleaner as working is less exhausting and more enjoyable for me, hubby was originally against having someone else in the house to do it but this was one of our compromises. We wrote a weekly timetable and some days are quieter at work so I make tea those days and he does them the other days but I agreed to put up a meal plan at the beginning of each week so he knows exactly what days he will be cooking and what he's making. We agreed to up DSs pocket money if he collected DD from school a couple of times a week. I will do the washing if they bring their wash baskets down to the kitchen and take their own clothes back up once washed on the laundry table. Its not easy, I have bad days where things lapse and we grab a take away and the washing doesn't get done but its all about compromise.

ThisIsSimplyBeyond · 10/06/2021 09:40

Yes it is an adjustment and it takes time, but otoh, my ex had ten years of my bad health and never adjusted to it - blaming me for their wandering eye at the end. Some people just don't.

Whereas my DW i met when I was already ill, and she honestly couldn't be better.

Greenqueen40 · 10/06/2021 09:46

Without sounding harsh if you have numbness in your hands and feet and can't feel the pedals properly you shouldn't be driving at all.

fantastaballs · 10/06/2021 09:49

First of all call motability and ask them if they have any funding for driving lessons as you are unable to drive for the next few months. Tell them you have a motability car outside that is totally useless to you and see if they can end your lease early as your needs have changed. Both of these things are possible, I've done it myself.

Then you need to make sure that your other half gets time to himself. There are plenty of support options for him, local careers groups etc. Giving him some time on his own a few times a week, the chance to offload to people in similar situations, is really important. My other half almost burned out looking after me when I was really bad. Our marriage almost didn't survive. It's important to make time for each other too.

So maybe sit down and work out a plan.

LittleOwl153 · 10/06/2021 09:58

Is laundry something else you could outsource?
On the meal thing, if there isn't an obvious local source try independent cafes. One near us did pie night once a week through lockdown, where they delivered a handmade pie in a foil dish which fed however many you asked for. Microwaved or boiled veg finished the meal - alot less stressful!

An SEN DC in the house too... wow it all sounds very challenging.

MyPanda · 10/06/2021 10:24

How does he vent these frustrations?

My DP has chronic health problems too, and yes it is extremely frustrating when he goes for a two hour afternoon nap and I have to power on despite having been up every two hours the night before with a teething baby. That said I don't (or I try hard not to) take my frustrations out on him. I can't claim to never get grumpy though, it's a shit situation for both of us.

I'm really sorry you're unwell. Yes, it is hard for your partner and you should cut him some slack, but he shouldn't try to make you feel bad for being ill.

Original poster
whyareallthegoodnamestakenx · 10/06/2021 10:26

Without sounding harsh if you have numbness in your hands and feet and can't feel the pedals properly you shouldn't be driving at all.

I'm not driving while like this. I've already said this. The medication is suppose to fix the numbness. Hopefully. If the feeling doesn't return I will be handing my licence in.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2021 10:33

You’ve had a lot of good advice. Between you you have an awful lot to contend with and you need to get to a place where you can both be open and honest about what you’re feeling, what you need, how to manage as well as you can to keep family life ticking over. Mutual resentment is probably inevitable in a war but it’ll kill your relationship if you can’t both knock it on the head and work together.

Sit down when the kids are in bed, say you’ve noticed he’s getting increasingly frustrated and want to work together on priorities, best use of your time and energy and ways to lessen your loads.