Me or DH whose BU? Chronic illnesses

[whyareallthegoodnamestakenx]

I have several illnesses that basically make my body and brain spammy. I'm currently being investigated for MS as well as another condition of mine has progressed recently meaning I've gone from having a few good days here and there to none.
When it all flares up I'm useless and now the flare ups are just my normal day to day life. I've accepted I need to go onto medication to control it however the medication has major side effects until it's into my system properly and working.
My partner is my carer and we have DC. We have been together many years and he's known about my illnesses since I first found out I gave him a out explaining eventually I will end up in a wheel chair etc, and he didn't take it.
He's becoming frequently futrasted that I can't do things like cook dinner, do the morning school run (my tablets still have effect in the morning) etc. However he can also be great and understanding just depends on the day.
Whose being unreasonable? I've explained to him I'm hoping to feel a bit better in myself once this New medication has kicked in and he needs to be patient but his moans are getting me down like doesn't he think I'm just as upset that I can't do something?!

I'm in your husband's shoes currently. My life is hard, an endless drudge in fact. I've lost much of what made me "me" because I can't work or socialise much and all my dreams for the future have disappeared (as have DH's). I'm not proud of it, but sometimes it makes me bad tempered. It's a shit situation all round.

On balance, I amaze myself at how well I cope, but sometimes I don't. I love DH and care for him to the best of my ability, but sometimes I hate the fact that he's done this to us, even though I know it's not his fault.

It's hard to know from your description OP. I think both having a chronic condition and being a carer can be very stressful and it's natural forboth of you to become frustrated with the situation, and vent that frustration.

Does he come across like he's blaming you for the limitations due to your illness? Is he resentful? Or just generally tired and frustrated? The former is not kind or helpful the latter, while not ideal is just life.

Can I add my DH does get time to be himself. He goes to the gym 5 days a week when the DC are at school and regularly sees his friends on a day to day basis. I would never dream of stopping that even when I'm worse, I'll still insist he does those things as it's important for his own well being. I rarely moan or ask for help, and I'd never dream of asking him to come home to help me unless I had a major accident like falling down the stairs (which has happened a few times.)

Having time to ‘get used’ to something doesn’t make the reality easy . You will both have hard times and will equally feel frustrated/upset etc. He’s allowed to feel like that as much as you can. Do either of you have any kind of other social interactions so that you get time away from each other occasionally?

Why won't he learn to drive? Is there a back story?

My DH had an accident and became disabled when he was in his early thirties. Our children were 14 and 11 when it happened. They are now adults.

I've looked after my DH as well as working and doing everything in the house since. it wasn't his fault. I love him I've never begrudged him for what happened. I've just got on with it.

Does your partner actually accept your illnesses and how disabled you are? Or is there an element of him feeling hard done by, or as though you're 'milking it', or could be trying harder? Because if that's the case, then I think you have a problem.

Have you and he seen the circles theory for support?
www.latimes.com/nation/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html#axzz2kF8iBw9U

It's perfectly reasonable for him to feel sad and frustrated. But him expressing this to you, is "dumping in". There's nothing wrong with "dumping", it just makes things worse to dump on someone more affectedthan yourself. He needs to find someone less affected, to turn to for support and to vent to. And, since he himself feels very affected, possibly you do too. That may make it easier for you both to support each other.

Do you get PIP or have any help from Social Services? You could employ a part time carer to ease the pressure? If you can I would also look into little ways to make your lives easier. I have chronic pain and the difference a Tumble dryer made was ENORMOUS