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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I don’t matter?

32 replies

Jumpingjellycat · 10/06/2021 07:23

I’m struggling at the moment, I’m t1 diabetic and - if you or anyone close to you is also t1 you’ll know this - and it is never really ‘under control.’ It has periods of time when it’s easier and periods of time when it’s harder but it requires a HUGE amount of work and input to keep it on an even keel and it affected by many other external factors.
One of my factors is stress. Stress makes me insulin resistant in the day followed by a huge drop in the evening when the stress hormones drop. It’s a joy. It makes stressful times even more stressful because it means I don’t sleep and I don’t feel very well a lot of the time.
At the moment I am stressed at work and also around a family situation. My sugars are responding accordingly by being a total nightmare.
Dh is doing nothing to help. Absolutely nothing.
I am up in the night several times checking my sugars. I am not eating very well because I’m high in the day. I am shattered. Last night my sugar dropped again and I treated it and then it went high. 11pm last night I was so tired that I stood in the kitchen and wept. Dh came in to get himself a glass of water before he went to bed and I said to him I’m really struggling. I’ve got a meeting in the morning at 8.30. I’ve got to get both dc up and dropped to breakfast clubs by 8am and I’m so tired.
This morning - as usual - I was up at 6am, I’ve sorted both dc, I’m about to take the first one to school and then come back for the second and take them to school for 8am before going to my meeting. Dh has not moved. This is normal. He gets up about 8.30 and I do the mornings 5 days a week. And the pick ups. 5 days a week. I fit it around work, some days they go to after school club, some days I go and grab them and then come back and finish working.
I am so fed up. I am so tired. I just want to moan really. And I’m angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumpingjellycat · 10/06/2021 07:41

Bump.

OP posts:
Fyredraca · 10/06/2021 07:43

You have a DH problem. Even if you weren't diabetic you still would have a DH problem. You need to tell him what you expect him to do and educate him on what you are going through.
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, you need to prioritise your health and he must step up to help you.
You do matter, I'm sure your kids think so.

Peace43 · 10/06/2021 07:47

You have a DH problem. You need to tell him that whilst work / home is stressful and your diabetes is playing up he needs to do the kids morning routine. Once things improve for you you can go back to SHARING this job 50:50.

Then you need to let him do it. Even if he dies it badly. Even if you lie in bed listening to him do it badly. He won’t learn unless you force him to.

DinosaurDiana · 10/06/2021 07:47

It sounds like he’s no help to you. Therefore if he wasn’t there you’d still be doing everything but you wouldn’t be feeling angry and resentful.
It’s definitely a DH problem.
And you do matter to your kids 💐

JustGiveMeGin · 10/06/2021 07:49

You do matter, just not to your arsehole of a husband.

SurelyNott · 10/06/2021 07:51

Does he work? Why is he doing no mornings??

You have a DH issue and need serious words, if you allow yourself not to matter then you won’t.

AttaGirrrrl · 10/06/2021 08:05

This isn’t a diabetes problem. It’s a DH problem. Why doesn’t he do any of it? Are they his DC?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/06/2021 08:17

Have you asked him to do more? What did he say? You need to tell him that doing everything is making you ill so you wont be doing it any more and from now on he needs to do half the pick ups or drop offs

Original poster
Jumpingjellycat · 10/06/2021 08:44

They’re his dc. He works but from home so he doesn’t need to get up until 8.30 - mind you nor would I if I wasn’t having to sort the dc.
I’ve told him I’m struggling and I just don’t think he’s that bothered. He says the right stuff but nothing changes.
My own self care is lacking because I just feel as though I don’t matter.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 10/06/2021 09:08

Well, if they are his kids, it’s easy. Get up, get yourself sorted out, kiss everyone goodbye and go to work. Don’t communicate in any other way.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

DinosaurDiana · 10/06/2021 09:26

He needs to get up and help you get the kids to school, and you to work.
He needs to get up. Or get out !

bloodyhell19 · 10/06/2021 09:34

Your H is despicable. Dealing with T1 is a job in itself and to know you're really struggling at the moment but wouldn't shift his arse to help you is the mark of a truly selfish man. I can't understand why he wouldn't just get up earlier and at least bring one of the children to school and save you having to drop, come back and drop again. He's adding to your stress and not trying to alleviate it and - if this isn't a sudden change in behaviour from him - I would be inclined to think at least if you were split, you wouldn't have the nagging stress of a live-in husband who won't help you or his kids.

Have you spoken to him directly about this and told him he does fuck all to help? If you haven't, I'd try that first but tbh I'd use it as a warning shot as in "I'm going to leave you if you don't buck up, and if you're OK with that then just show me by continuing to do nothing to help."

AttaGirrrrl · 10/06/2021 09:39

You need a proper talk with him.

“I am ill. I don’t feel supported. How can we make this better?”

namechange30455 · 10/06/2021 09:40

He sounds really horrible OP.

If I was ill then DP wouldn't hesitate to do "my" morning sorting the kids and drop off for me - and 1) he normally does some of them 2) it would mean him starting work later.

If he doesn't start work til after half 8 and WFH then why on earth does he think it's ok not to pitch in with the kids in the mornings anyway, let alone when you're so ill??

He doesn't seem to care about you one bit Confused. I feel bad for you and want to come and help and I'm a stranger FFS - I shouldn't care about you more than your own bloody husband!

VeganCheesePlease · 10/06/2021 09:55

That is terrible! OP this is not ok at all.
My DH has sustained a back injury and its been awful the last few days - not much sleep, and between working my own job I'm having to help with his admin (self employed) and other things as he just can't cope and needs some time off. It is utterly exhausting and between worrying about him and working mad hours I found myself having a cheeky glass of wine last night! But he is my husband and I love him and this is what I do out of love and care for him. Your DH is being absolutely awful to you and you deserve so much more than this Flowers

Mellonsprite · 10/06/2021 09:57

Yes he absolutely should step up more. Why does he not ? You must ask him to do more.

Sunbird24 · 10/06/2021 10:08

Two issues - main one is clearly your H being thoughtless at best. Him not pulling his weight is making you more stressed and your T1D harder to manage. He seriously needs to get a grip. This is dangerous for you and I don’t think he fully gets it.
Ref the T1D, do you have a care team (or similar) to support you? I don’t know if you have a continuous monitoring device and delivery system or are still expected to test and respond yourself, so is there any change that could be made there to try and make it more manageable for you?

tenlittlecygnets · 10/06/2021 10:32

You have a lazy arse DH problem. He needs to get up and do this share, the lazy git.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:35

You've probably already tried this OP but just in case have you spoken to your medical team about your T1, it sounds like it isn't well controlled, do you have an insulin pump?

I don't see why DH isn't doing more to help. Is he just a big lazy lump?

MatildaTheCat · 10/06/2021 11:06

Obviously YANBU. Your H sounds useless so you’ll have to force change upon him. He has to take more on and do whatever it takes to ease your stress. It’s not an option if he wants to stay married.

Do call your medical team and see if there’s any more you can do regarding control. DBIL has really improved his control with a pump and an app that monitors him constantly- he has a VERY a stressful job and had a lot of hypos.

Lastly could you take a break from work to reset yourself? Either a sabbatical or a period of sick leave. As you know T1 isn’t something you can just wing it on.

Best wishes.

Squiggy · 10/06/2021 11:28

Agree with others regarding pump and possibly freestyle libre. They revolutionised my control and I had v similar issues to you.

That aside, don’t wait for him to offer, tell him he is taking over the school runs when you are feeling like this. He’s walking all over you.

MrsClatterbuck · 10/06/2021 11:52

@TheSandgroper

Well, if they are his kids, it’s easy. Get up, get yourself sorted out, kiss everyone goodbye and go to work. Don’t communicate in any other way.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

This is what you do. No reason for not to get HIS OWN KIDS ready in the morning and take them to school and then return and start his work. Just bet yourself sorted and leave. If you divorced he would be doing it all himself all the time and I would let him know that.
denverRegina · 10/06/2021 11:57

Why on earth are you doing every school run while he lies in bed?

When and why did you agree to that?

namechange30455 · 10/06/2021 12:08

I think the OP meant they're joint kids (i.e. that she's not doing everything because they're her kids and not his), not that they're DSC?

Cocomarine · 10/06/2021 12:14

If my husband gave that little of a shit about both my emotional well-being and my physical health, he wouldn’t be my choice for a husband.

It’s less stressful having to do everything yourself because you’re on your own, than because someone else isn’t pulling their weight.

Tell him which days he’s doing. Possibly all, if you’re physical health is so bad right now, until your work stress subsides.