Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn't have to be with MIL 24/7 in hospital?

260 replies

HamCob · 09/06/2021 22:39

MIL has vascular dementia with Alzheimer's. She is usually cared for at home by FIL who is 83 though recently it's been getting too much for him-but that's for another thread.

She was admitted to an elderly care ward at the hospital on Saturday with a chest infection. Due to her lack of capacity and erratic outbursts the hospital have insisted that a member of the family is with her 24/7. They have provided a chair next to her bed and my DH and his siblings have organised shifts but they also have full time jobs to work around.

I just wondered AIBU to think the hospital should be providing her care?

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 09/06/2021 22:40

YABNU. I’ve never heard of this before!

PermanentTemporary · 09/06/2021 22:42

Bloody hell. I have seen family members being exploited but not to this extent.

Ask for a meeting with the consultant? They should know where to find you!

Justmuddlingalong · 09/06/2021 22:42

I would presume that familiar faces in an unfamiliar setting would be beneficial to her. The hospital staff will be providing care, but will be unable to provide the level of supervision it sounds like she needs.

LawnFever · 09/06/2021 22:43

Yanbu, what if there were no family nearby or not enough to cover this?

I’ve never heard of a hospital asking for this, I thought visiting was very limited at the moment anyway due to Covid?

ineedaholidaynow · 09/06/2021 22:43

I've not heard of that before either

PersonaNonGarter · 09/06/2021 22:43

YANBU

Sillawithans · 09/06/2021 22:44

How long will she likely be there for? I think you should all pull together and help.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 09/06/2021 22:45

That's ridiculous.

We are a 5 hour drive from MIL (89) and FiL (94). There's no way we could do this.

Ilovemaisie · 09/06/2021 22:45

This is normal and expected on children's wards. A parent stays to help with personal hygiene, assisting with food etc.
I would imagine this is the same concept.

Megan2018 · 09/06/2021 22:46

They can ask (which is outrageous) but it’s perfectly possible to refuse.
Not exactly the same, but similar was suggested some years ago with my grandfather (Lewy body dementia). My family refused to do it as it wasn’t practicable as the family wasn’t local and had young families. The hospital had to lump it, it’s their problem to sort.
It’s just the same when social services try to insist that family are carers. You have to say No like a broken record sadly.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/06/2021 22:47

How can they "insist" what would they do if your dh said there are no family members available?

It is probably best someone is in to make sure she gets 1-1 care if the alternative is she is sedated.

FlibbertyGiblets · 09/06/2021 22:48

It sounds like the hospital is following John's Campaign?

Soontobe60 · 09/06/2021 22:48

Have they said that family HAS to sit with her, or that it would be good if they could? I’d have thought that in the current climate, having reams of people coming and going would breech their Covid protocol.
I think the family need to be very clear that they cannot continue this, and the ward manager will have to get a member of staff to sit with her - that’s the usual protocol in such situations.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/06/2021 22:48

@Ilovemaisie

This is normal and expected on children's wards. A parent stays to help with personal hygiene, assisting with food etc. I would imagine this is the same concept.
Absolutely. However I do agree that it shouldn't be insisted on for adults. Partitas their main carer may be desperately in need of respite.
Notcontent · 09/06/2021 22:49

That’s pretty incredible. A hospital needs to be able to deal with any patient, no matter what their needs are.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/06/2021 22:51

Unfortunately if her behaviour is disruptive to other patients, sedation may well be prescribed. Not ideal when she has a chest infection.

BunnyRuddington · 09/06/2021 22:54

It sounds like the hospital is following John's Campaign. I've not heard of that before. What's it about?

Ilovemaisie · 09/06/2021 22:54

Toddlertea yes I suppose they can't insist. Even on the children's wards a parent isn't always able to stay. Personally though I wouldn't want to leave a relative with Alzheimer's alone in the hospital. I would figure out a way.

BethTTC · 09/06/2021 22:54

I doubt they've 'insisted' as in family members are forced. Rather, it's more calming for her to have familiar faces. Of course, she'll still have nurses there whether they can or can not help.

Original poster
HamCob · 09/06/2021 22:55

Thanks I genuinely didn't know if this is the norm.
MIL was originally given a side room on Saturday and we were told that she couldn't be left alone in the room due to safety concerns. Fair enough.
We asked about a place on the main ward where she could be in sight of the nursing staff and were told that there were no beds available. After a bit of pushing she was given a bed this afternoon but at 10pm tonight we had another phone call asking DH to go back! I need to be at work at 7.30am and he will need to do school drop offs etc before starting work again at 9am.
We can't sustain it.

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 09/06/2021 22:56

Honestly ? No you shouldn’t have to , but be bloody grateful I think.
Even in 2015 when mum was dying o sat with her as much as I could just so I could help her. She was in for nearly 2 weeks but only got a shower cos I took her after a week of no one being available.

Original poster
HamCob · 09/06/2021 22:57

@BethTTC

I doubt they've 'insisted' as in family members are forced. Rather, it's more calming for her to have familiar faces. Of course, she'll still have nurses there whether they can or can not help.
Believe me, they definitely have insisted
OP posts:
Iceybirb · 09/06/2021 22:57

They can't insist. They can ask, and you're free to say no.

Tell DH to tell them that it is not possible, and they will have to deal with it.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 09/06/2021 22:58

@Justmuddlingalong

I would presume that familiar faces in an unfamiliar setting would be beneficial to her. The hospital staff will be providing care, but will be unable to provide the level of supervision it sounds like she needs.
Familiar faces? My nan who had vascular dementia didn't recognise any of her family. That's nonsense. The hospital are taking the piss. Are you in the UK? If so contact PALS at the hospital to complain. Also, independent age or age uk who may be able to offer advice.
feliznavidad2 · 09/06/2021 22:59

Possibly going to be slated here but from a different perspective, it's likely that they've asked for her family to help as MIL is likely needing a lot of supervision and support, which could be best met by those who know her well. I wonder whether insist is necessarily the right word.

They may also be short staffed, which no, isn't your problem, but is the reality of the NHS as a constant in current times.

In hospitals, we often ask if family members/carers can help their relative by sitting with patients who are especially vulnerable or out of sorts, whilst in hospital as it not only helps the individual feel more secure and comfortable but also helps the patient by ensuring their usual routines, preferences and care can be as person centred as possible.