To feel incredibly guilty about applying for this job?

[UnnecessaryFennel]

I've been with my current employer for almost 10 years, during which time I've been promoted several times, and now am senior in a close-knit team of colleagues, most of whom I would also consider friends, including my immediate line manager. It's a large, well-known employer and in the main they have been really good to me.

However, we are under-staffed and under pressure and much of the time I feel as if I'm going through the motions. I'm a bit burnt-out, I think; the job can be high-pressure and we deal with lots of emotionally draining situations a lot of the time. We are constantly being asked to more with less and I'm just really tired, frustrated and fed up a lot of the time. But it's a good job and a good salary and I could have many more opportunities there if I wanted to take them.

We're moving house and I intended to commute a couple of days a week, which would be a long commute (2 hrs) but manageable.

However, a job has just come up in the same field (but in a much smaller and perhaps less well-respected employer). It's 4 days a week instead of my current 5, less senior, less responsibility (at least at first), much shorter commute (20 - 30 mins), same flexibility and WFH opportunities. Many of the issues that make my current job particularly stressful would be very much reduced in this new role.

I had an 'informal chat' with the new employer today and it was very positive. I feel pretty sure that if I applied I would get the job.

But...I am feeling so guilty about the possibility of leaving my current role. I know no one is indispensable and I don't want to sound like a dick but it would genuinely impact my team, at least in the short/medium term, if I left at this point. I'd promised to see a particular role through to the end which I wouldn't be able to do if I left, and we have a lot of new junior staff who are inexperienced and need support. The thought of telling my line manager I'm leaving is making me feel sick already. I know they'd replace me eventually, obviously, but I would, undoubtedly be leaving them in the lurch for a good few months at least.

I do also worry that leaving a 'world-famous' place and going to somewhere much less 'prestigious' might not be a great idea in the long run.

So AIBU to feel guilty / worried about applying for this job and potentially leaving my current employer and colleagues?

How did you know, Delta? [wry smile]

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

OP you might feel like your colleagues are more like friends, but as someone who has changed jobs several times over the years, rest assured that as soon as you're no longer in the loop with what's going on at work, you will gradually see them slipping from your social calendar. These people are not really friends, just people you work with, it's the job that you all do together that makes them feel closer than they really are.

Oh I have made two great friends at my current job and I hope this isn't the case!

I've had jobs where I've made lifelong friends and jobs where my last day was the last time we ever spoke. I think it really depends on individual situations.

OP, I am going through an almost identical situation to you. I am feeling guilty too. I KNOW I shouldn't - but you build up a sense of loyalty.

I'm considering leaving my employer of 11 years for a competitor and feel torn like you do - I've worked in the same sector of the business for the last 5 years and they've treated me well (and poss about to promote me).

I feel very conflicted - I have credibility, an ability to get stuff done and people i trust to talk to - feels very big and very scary to even consider leaving but (should I actually be offered the job - just starting the interview process) I'd be mad to not take it when you look at the cold hard facts of reward/job spec etc...but still not sure I will leave!

Exactly, lizzie, I know rationally that it's ridiculous to feel guilty / worried about this but nevertheless, that's how I feel!

Ok let’s broaden it out a little. You want to step back from your career a bit - reduce hours, pressure etc. What’s your long term aspiration and what are the constraints on that - location, hours, etc? Is this just a bad situation that’s provoking your flight instinct or is this part of a longer term plan to scale back?

If it’s the former I would say hold on a sec, let’s pause and think more strategically.

Do all your family members have physical or mental ailments that stop them from working?

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat, it's both tbh. I had planned to scale back anyway over the next couple of years, but the ridiculous pressures of the last 16 months have definitely brought that forward.

@Breadcheesebread, sorry I don't understand your question??

Time for a change OP

Wrong post.

Oops. Apologies.

Ah I've always felt this guilt switching jobs, but I do it anyway

If these are your friends then they'd be genuinely happy for you when you've managed to bag a new job opportunity. I've had people leave my team while we're stretched and could really do with them staying but no one has ever done anything but genuinely wish them the best.

As a previous poster said, if you died tomorrow they'd have a job opening up the next day to replace you.

Now if you genuinely think moving to this new company is a bad idea career wise and for your wellbeing then that's another story. Sort of sounds like you're coming up with excuses not to do it because you're scared of a big change though? That's my out of no where guess ha

@Namechangefun

I think it really depends on your long term career/lifestyle ambitions whether this would be a good move? What are they?

This. Everyone is replaceable.

Bread no worries

windywindsor I think the new job would probably be excellent for my wellbeing. For my career, maybe not so much but tbh I feel as if I've done my greasy-pole climbing and would be happy to step back for a bit.

It's a no-brainer really, isn't it?

There is a lot of projecting and protecting going on in your OP @UnnecessaryFennel.

There is a more reasonable, honest middle way between: "they don't give a toss about you" and "they will crumble or explode without me". In all likelihood you will be missed and the situation may get worse if you leave but as a PP has said, what else shifts when you leave? It may open up a new opportunity for others. A few questions I wonder if you might ponder...

Is the situation at your current place going to get better by you staying?

Why are you putting yourself at the centre of the stability or wellbeing of your workplace?

Who might step up or shine in response to you leaving?

What might you gain from a new job?

How did you respond when colleagues left? Bitterness and angst or understanding?

Why do you feel guilty? You have worked hard and been a good employee. The environment is getting harder. The workload is getting higher. You said yourself you are stressed and starting to burnout. People are leaving and everyone else is just expected to suck it up. It sounds like it is time to move on and find somewhere that fits with what you want from life now.

The new job sounds like a good fit. Go for it and see where it takes you. I've often found that jobs with big name employers that look good on paper often aren't. Similarly, jobs that didn't look so good often turned out brilliantly. Don't assume that this won't be a great job because it isn't a household name.

10 years or 10 months it makes no difference if any of your colleagues are negative about your new job it doesn’t matter . Your happiness and work life balance are what matters . I’ve been in similar situation and the best advice I had is do what’s best for your and your family .
Do not feel guilty at all.
Good luck

If you died, your employer would replace you without a second thought. You can care, but ultimately you're disposable to your company so do what's best for you.

You can’t possibly know how her boss sees her. Why must people always jump on others to bring them down?

I was in a similar position. My boss had said on many occasions they would be lost without me. And they would. I’m running two major contracts which nobody else in the company has the knowledge to run. Before they hired me, they were looking for over a year for someone with my skills and experience because people generally in my industry, in my area don’t move around a lot. Three recruiters referred to my CV as gold dust, because companies who have people with my CV treat them really well.

They would be able to replace me with a less experienced, more junior member of staff, but they would run a real risk of losing a major client because of it.

I’m not exceptional by any means, but because I worked most of my career in industry leading, larger companies, the training and experience I’ve had has been really good. I work for a much smaller company now and most of those I work with don’t have anywhere near the same level of expertise I do.

@UnnecessaryFennel ultimately you have to do what is best for you. I was in a similar situation recently and chose to stay where I was, but only after I was able to re-negotiate a better WFH pattern which the other place was also offering, and my current employer offered me a promotion. They didn’t know I had been approached by the other place otherwise I’d have seen it as a desperate attempt to keep me which is never good. If they hadn’t have offered that working pattern or the promotion, I would have left even though my boss would be in a really difficult position because of it.

An actual response to your thread.

Like other posters have said, do not feel guilty.

Look at it this way, if they needed to make redundancies then they wouldn't spare your hard work a thought before axing your role.

Do what is best for you in the short to medium term, things may change again but do what is best for your household for now.

How would you feel if one of your colleagues took this job? They might also be looking around right now. Honestly, if you get on so well and are friends, they would want you to be happy and would completely understand you leaving for a less stressful life.

Get out a sheet of paper and make 4 columns. Do the pros and cons of each job. It should be very clear then what you should do. All the best.

How would you feel if one of your colleagues took this job?

I'd be pissed off I am actually slightly panicky that my boss might leave before I do and I'd have to do her job (that's not more 'ohh I'm so indispensable', I am the deputy HoD).

So I guess that's my answer! Guilt is such a useless emotion isn't it?

Glad you have seen the light, Op! If your boss is also thinking about leaving it's not going to get any easier.

Just an update (for anyone who might be interested )

I got the job and am currently working my notice period.

I still feel bad for my boss, who is stressed and unhappy. I'm going to try and do my best to leave with as many loose ends as possible tied up, but it's still shit. But I know this is the right move for me, and hopefully it might encourage some colleagues to step up and pull their weight a bit more too!

Now I've just got to tell my team, which will be weird. But to anyone who is dithering in a similar position to me, I say go for it! I feel so much better now that I know change is on the horizon.

Congratulations! I'm really glad you went for it.

I’m glad you came back to update. I hope all goes well in the new role.

I’ve been there and done it, worked myself to the bone. The realisation that everyone is dispensable made the choice easier.

Yabu for feeling guilty. You're not letting them down the company are as it's for them to manage the workloads. Employees move on, it's just a fact.

Saying that I was in a similar position recently (for a sideways move that was interesting rather than career progression) and have left my colleagues with an unsustainable workload as they are not recruiting and I do feel bad about it, its normal!

Surely if you are well respected though and hate it at your new place there would be the opportunity to go back one day?

In my job sometimes if I feel doubt I think 'what would a man do' and I am pretty sure most men wouldn't be feeling bad about changing to a job that worked better for them

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP, as I was in the same situation recently. However, definitely do what’s est for you. The only thing I would be worried about in your situation is leaving a very large organisation and going to a much smaller one. I think it might possibly not be a great career move. But my brother did this recently. He worked at one of the biggest organisations in the world (with huge perks) and left for a start-up-type company because the work was more interesting, but he is in IT/coding (they are weird ).