Sick of being the family cash cow - AIBU

[Rosycheeks21]

I come from a very working class family where most of the time my family lived pay check to pay check, and they were quite irresponsible with the little money they had.

I worked really hard to get into my career, and I’ve ended up being the highest earner in my family. I’m currently saving quite large chunks of money every month so I can buy my own house & I’m generally very careful with money.

I’ve noticed family are often trying to ask about my financial situation, such as asking how much I have in my savings account, or how much I get paid etc. This has resulted in family asking to borrow money constantly. I feel this is hugely unfair, because the only reason I’ve been able to save up is by cutting out pointless spending. They waste all of their cash within days of being paid on useless things - I don’t buy a lot of luxury items because I’d rather invest in my home.

Every time they ask, I get an overwhelming feeling of guilt, like if I don’t give them money then I’ll be seen as greedy - so I hand over the cash. I also HATE asking for it back - because again, I feel guilty. AIBU to want to set a boundary? How can I say no without feeling guilty????

1. Blame Covid - 'I'm worried about getting made redundant, there's been cuts'

' The hot property market means prices are getting out of reach for me now'

1. I've taken out an Isa I can't access

1. My company (bastards) are forcing me to put it into a pension

1. My company are forcing me to pay my expenses up front for petrol/flights/hotels so I'm never going to have any money now

1. Fuck off I need IVF as I cant have children

Accompany ANY of the above with some giant sad face Try to squeeze out a tear

OP do they even pay you back or do you just have a bunch of people out there that owe you money?

I would honestly just say no. Since you've said yes a few times they're just expecting you to say yes everytime now. You have nothing to feel guilty about just saying no, it's not like a sudden one off unexpected emergency that you're helping with, just sounds like they're taking the piss.

If you don't want to straight up say no then tell a white lie. You've put it in a high interest savings account where you can't withdraw for a set period, you've invested it in something, something along those lines.

I'd still recommend just saying no though to be fair otherwise they're still gonna just expect access to your money as soon as you have it.

Do all your family members have physical or mental ailments that stop them from working?

Use some of your money to pay for therapy. A good therapist can help you set boundaries and realise that your family have been taking advantage of you. Invest your money in yourself.

It's really weird to ask someone how much money they have. It's like something a 7 year old asks before they learn social graces. You don't need to tell them. My family don't know how much I earn, it's private.

AIBU to want to set a boundary? How can I say no without feeling guilty????

Cone now, @Rosycheeks21 - you know the answer to this. People (sadly often people close to you who have an emotional pull) will only value you at your own estimation.

Learn to say "I'm sorry, I'd really like to help but my finances are really locked up In Long-term funds I can't withdraw from for X years. I really hope you are able to get help elsewhere as I'm unable to help".

I've had to say something very similar and it was hard. But I'd seen how debts went unpaid to people close to me or it was difficult to get paid back and I didn't want to screw up my courage to keep asking for payment.

I don't get asked any more... 🌹

I say that I’m only allowed to make 3 withdrawals a year and I’ve already done that so can’t access it! I pretend not to know how much I have in there and say I don’t look because I can’t touch it anyway.

Why on earth are you telling them when they ask how much money you have?

Every month get a fake Gucci handbag up the local market and tell them it’s a real one etc etc then all you money is gone and save in secret

My DH’s eldest sister is wealthy. Self-made millionaire. Very successful. The rest of the family are in low-paid jobs, or benefits & most half of them don’t own homes (us included).
His family haven’t a clue when it comes to money... And assume that this sister will just pay for / fix-up everything. DH’s dad always says... Charity begins at home! I think it’s so unfair to his sister, who’s worked so hard for everything she has.

@gah2teenagers

Every month get a fake Gucci handbag up the local market and tell them it’s a real one etc etc then all you money is gone and save in secret

I hope this is tongue in cheek. 😂 Don’t waste your money like this OP. Pennies make pounds.

I used to be like you and it was frustrating as I rarely got the money back

Eventually, I realised that unless I stopped, I would always be the go to person for asking for a "loan".

I had a list of ready solutions/excuses I could use e.g.

I have just paid the car tax/insurance/MOT/home insurance/other large bill.

I have put my money into my ISA and can't get it out.

I can't get cash/haven't got my card reader to do an online payment.

I have an unexpected expense

The other thing I did was offer non-monetary solutions. This was particularly with one family member who I suspected was lying about the reason they needed cash (they have form for lying). They always wanted cash, never a transfer.

So, for example, they would say 'could you lend me £40 as I need to get food, I have nothing in for the kids'

To which I would reply:
'Sorry, I can't get cash out/transfer anything (choose appropriate reason from above) but if you give me a list, I can pick up what you need and drop it off'

This was nearly always met with 'oh, it's fine, I've sorted it now'

It took a while but I don't get asked these days!

@PumpkinPie2016

I used to be like you and it was frustrating as I rarely got the money back

Eventually, I realised that unless I stopped, I would always be the go to person for asking for a "loan".

I had a list of ready solutions/excuses I could use e.g.

I have just paid the car tax/insurance/MOT/home insurance/other large bill.

I have put my money into my ISA and can't get it out.

I can't get cash/haven't got my card reader to do an online payment.

I have an unexpected expense

The other thing I did was offer non-monetary solutions. This was particularly with one family member who I suspected was lying about the reason they needed cash (they have form for lying). They always wanted cash, never a transfer.

So, for example, they would say 'could you lend me £40 as I need to get food, I have nothing in for the kids'

To which I would reply:
'Sorry, I can't get cash out/transfer anything (choose appropriate reason from above) but if you give me a list, I can pick up what you need and drop it off'

This was nearly always met with 'oh, it's fine, I've sorted it now'

It took a while but I don't get asked these days!

The non monetary solutions are genius.

Please give OP more examples.
It may be easier on her to opt for those rather than a straight up no.

MIL was exactly like this before we went NC - she had to know exactly how much money we had all the time. First question to asked when DH got a new job was how much he earned. Tell them it's none of their business and refuse to give them any money. They're using you!

White lies are pointless 🤷🏻‍♀️

You know you they’re lies - so it won’t ease your guilt.

They will decide they’re not a good reason for you to say no, on your behalf - so they’ll wheedle / stop asking that time but ask again next week.

You’re better off stocking with the truth: “no, I am saving for a house deposit and I have nothing to lend.”

The only white lie I’d bother with is that your savings aren’t instant access. But really, you’ve a life time of this and you’re better off building up your “no” muscle!

STOP giving them financial info, too! In some careers you can’t hide your approximate earnings, but why are you indulging them by telling them your savings? No no no!

It's hard I know. I've had it from siblings. I now just say no every time, it's tied up in investments.

Blame your financial advisor? Real or not. Tell everyone you scrimped to get an appointment with someone fancy, and put yourself entirely in their hands. The advisory has sewn up your finances, linked to your retirement goals. Sound excited. Or, you know, actually do this? It’s a good idea and gives you peace of mind.

You’re putting your spare cash into your pension.

It's not clear if you've bought your house yet or not. If you have then it's an easy excuse "How much do you have in your savings account?" "Nothing, it all goes on the mortgage and bills as soon as I get paid." If you are still saving for it, just amend slightly, "Oh a bit but I can't access any of it because it's in a locked-away account for the my house deposit." Same with "How much do you earn?" (which is equally cheeky), there's no need to tell them but if you have, just say "x....but after tax and NI, Student loan etc, it's half that, and it all goes straight into my savings account so I can't spend it."

You need to stop feeling guilty. Would you go over to their house and say "Oh can I borrow your sofa/big tv/hot tub/expensive clothes?" and not return them? Of course not! Would you expect them to pay for your meal and drinks if you all went out together, or pay for you to go on holiday? No? Then why should they be entitled to any of your money?

Maybe if you say no enough times they'll back off from asking quite so often. YANBU to say no in any way that makes it possible, including telling a lie. Make that commitment to yourself that you won't be guilted into giving money just because someone asks for it.

Family or not, it's none of their business how much you earn and have in savings! You're the one working and saving, so you should be the one benefitting from it. As much as you may love them, you know they waste money. That's a shame, but giving them some of your money so they can waste that, too, does neither of you any good. Stay strong!

No to all requests
Your money is not their money
Never ever disclose your finance with anyone except dp. I have loaned money in the past that was never repaid. Say your accountant has set up a pension scheme and you are committed. No spare cash.

I just wanted to say good on you for working so hard and achieving your potential.

There are lots of online resources that may help you to develop skills on setting boundaries and being firm when dealing with manipulative relatives. I do understand how difficult that can be.

How much do you earn - is it loads? Tbh I think you should just start saying no. You don't need to justify. It sounds like they need to sort out a plan to earn more.

You have to say no otherwise you are enabling their poor financial choices. You work hard for your money and budget well going with luxuries to achieve you end goal. By lending money (actually giving it to them if they never repay) they will never have to learn to plan and prioritise their expenditure. The more you give the more flippant they will become knowing that you will bail them out for free each time.
Draw a line in the sand and then explain that you plan your finances so that you can save, offer to help them do the same. My experience of this though is like any excess in life until they are able to admit they have no self control over their spending they will never get or want to make the lifestyle changes to have some savings too.
Its too easy to blame the fact that they earn less and focus on your higher salary. The fact is even if the earned the equivalent of your salary with their spending habits they would still have nothing to show for it that non essential tat.
Stand your ground and achieve your dream, well done!

My sister used to ask me to lend her money all the time but when I started my own family I had to start to say no it was getting too much. I felt like she spent money just because she knew I would bail her out. So I stopped. Just said no. She soon learnt to manage her money better and now she only asks in an emergency and pays it back on time everytime.

Ive been where you have!

Came from a WC family with no conception of the value of education. My parents would not support me in taking professional exams in my profession so had to do it part time. Once I qualified and earning a good salary I left home to get my own place. My family were left cash strapped because my sister (the golden child) had an unplanned pregnancy and this was back in the 1960s when such things were frowned upon. So the money I had stumped up for my "keep" was certainly missed. Eventually my sister had to return to work and my mother looked after the baby.

Whenever they needed money they would try to tap me for a loan (really a gift) but I made myself as uncontactable as possible and there were no mobiles or internet back then.

When I began work at 16 I felt like a cash machine. Press a button, a drawer shoots open and out comes money. Every pound I gave my mother for my "keep" went onto my sisters back. No hand me downs or market stall clothes for her. Fortunately I was paid by bank transfer and on my grandmothers advice, took out an accommodation address for my business correspondence. So my parents never saw my bank statements or knew how much I earned.

I used money as a weapon against my family and never felt guilty or mean about it.