Sick of being the family cash cow - AIBU

[Rosycheeks21]

I come from a very working class family where most of the time my family lived pay check to pay check, and they were quite irresponsible with the little money they had.

I worked really hard to get into my career, and I’ve ended up being the highest earner in my family. I’m currently saving quite large chunks of money every month so I can buy my own house & I’m generally very careful with money.

I’ve noticed family are often trying to ask about my financial situation, such as asking how much I have in my savings account, or how much I get paid etc. This has resulted in family asking to borrow money constantly. I feel this is hugely unfair, because the only reason I’ve been able to save up is by cutting out pointless spending. They waste all of their cash within days of being paid on useless things - I don’t buy a lot of luxury items because I’d rather invest in my home.

Every time they ask, I get an overwhelming feeling of guilt, like if I don’t give them money then I’ll be seen as greedy - so I hand over the cash. I also HATE asking for it back - because again, I feel guilty. AIBU to want to set a boundary? How can I say no without feeling guilty????

Tell them you're paying into an investment & can't withdraw the money so you cat lend to them.
Lots of investments require 3, 6 or 12 months notice to access the fund.

Just say no. Your money and finances have nothing to do with them.

Not really sure why you are feeling guilty because all that's achieving is letting yourself getting taken advantage of!

Don't tell them what you earn, don't tell them your bank balance.
Say no when they ask for money.

Don't feel guilty, it's not up to you to fund them

First, don't answer any questions about your finances. Also, realize that they are asking you for a gift. A loan has to be paid back in a set timeframe. If they ask again, tell them that you might consider it after they repay the last "loan".

Realizing that you are being taken advantage of will relieve your feelings of guilt.

Just say your money is all accounted for and you are just managing on what you have. You can drop hints like loan repayments, clearing debts etc rather than saving if you think it would stop them pestering you. Just stop handing over your money to them. You deserve to see the benefits of your own hard work.

Just start saying no, my DP’s family were like this and it drove me mad! Always asking for money he never got back. They soon stopped asking when he said no. He’s gets the odd message asking low but he sticks to no and that’s that. ‘Sorry can’t afford it myself’ that’s all you have to say

Stop sharing so much information with them. Tell them that you have no spare cash, they don’t need to know it’s because it’s been allocated to savings.

The only way to stop feeling guilty is to just STOP. Stop answering questions about money, start saying no and do not get into a debate about why.

Handing the money over is a choice, just stop choosing to do it. You'll have to accept that it will feel strange to begin with.

OP you will have to stop lending them money. It would be different if it was a genuine unforseen emergency but you're just enabling silly spending at the moment.

For a start, don't tell them how much you earn and how much savings you have! Give vague answers and then steer the conversation onto something else.
White lie: Tell them you have very little spare cash, because you are trying to save, and you kept spending it, so you put your money into a savings account where it is locked away and you can't access it easily (like a lifetime ISA). If you really can't trust yourself to say no, maybe do this for real!

Start saying no
Stop telling them how much you earn

Say you've invested it and have no access for a specified number of years.

On payday, stick the amount you want to save into a 12-month bond so you can't touch it.

Stop telling them what you earn and how much money you have and stop lending it to them! Why are you feeling guilty that you have money and they don’t, when they waste theirs on rubbish? You should feel angry that you’re working hard and are giving it away!

Thank you all for your advice. I think I’m going to have to go down the white lie route to be honest. I hate that they make me feel like this.

Just say you've spent it.

Make out you get less than you are . Unfortunately if you cant say no, you will start having to lie and start putting out hints that you are struggling. And they should stop asking.

If theh do still ask say you dont have any spare or it's been a tough month.

Although it feels difficult to say you can no longer lend any money, once you've made it clear it should make things easier. In my 20's I was in a similar position to you. I hated the endless negotiation about when money would be paid back.

Your finances are private, don't discuss them.

First of all congratulations on being sensible and planning towards your future OP. It's difficult when you're from this sort of background, as it can be tricky to break the mold of what you grew up with. I know when I was planning to get married, way back in the 70's, my fiance wanted us to save to buy our own house, but my parents had only ever lived in rented accommodation, and thought that I was getting a bit too big for my boots, which was ridiculous, I just saw the opportunity and we went for it. Anyway, as far as your family wanting to know what you earn, how much you have in savings, etc., I'm sure that unless you grew up as an only child, there have been times when you've told siblings to 'mind their own business', so that's what you need to do now. If it's your parents asking for money, tell them you're sorry, but you don't have any to spare, you can always say that you're saving for your own place and all your money automatically goes into a long term savings account, if that makes it easier, and please DON'T EVER lend money that you hope to get back, as all too often, people only borrow money because they're feckless in the first place, so the chances of actually getting it back are slim to none, as you've already learned. You are definitely not BU to want to put boundaries in place, and once you've done it, stick to it, it will become easier when they see that you mean what you say.

Stop telling them how much you have in your account, if they ask just say 'oi, nosy, you're not allowed to ask people that' and say you're skint.

Or,tell them you've a direct debit set up for a Help to Buy ISA which means you have nothing left.

F

Why are you telling them what you have? Just say it’s now tied up in a long term investment and your skint.

Just say you have resolved to neither a lender nor a borrower be and you hope people will understand.

Tell them you are happy to go through their spending and finances in detail with them and help work out how they can make savings so they can also have a nest egg….

Why on earth would you feel guilty? Tell them a) to mind their own business and b) the answer is no.