3.5 year old - at end of my tether please help

Hugmemum · 2021-06-09T18:35:12+00:00

Sorry for posting here, purely for traffic. I am at the end of my tether with my 3.5 year old. Last 6 months he’s turned into a nightmare at bedtime. I’m a single mum who has him 70% of the time and I suffer with depression and anxiety. His crying/whiny really triggers me. I’m shattered and I’m just so close to losing it with him. He sleeps great with his dad. We both do exactly the same thing except dad has always being more firmer than me. When I attempt to be firm like dad he just laughs at me. He’s being in and out of his room for the last 30 mins. Constantly wanting another hug. I tried rapid return one night and spent an hour doing it, he was crying more and more and I was getting more and more stressed and angry. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s not like I have his dad here to tag team him with so I get a breather.

ChangePart1 · 09/06/2021 20:02

Do you get on with his dad okay? Could he come and spend some time at yours for bedtime for a few nights to work on this together? Maybe he can show you what he’s doing that works well, see if that helps. Another option would be to make his room toddler proof and once you say goodnight and close the door that’s it, give him chance to tire himself out and realise that once mum puts him to bed it’s time for bed and there isn’t the option to keep running in and out. Use a monitor so you know he’s safe.

You could post on a sleep group on Facebook for more tailored advice, Respectful Sleep Training/Learning is a great one.

Remember if you feel you’re on the verge of losing it with him it’s absolutely fine and for the best to put him somewhere safe, whether that’s in his room or somewhere else, shut the door and take a breather. Sorry you’re going through this.

Falaffeleybollocks · 09/06/2021 20:10

Attachment parenting
Gentle parenting
And repeat
3.5 year old who go between 2 houses, don't need firm, they need massive amounts of cuddles and care
I speak from years of shared parenting.

Also try aha.com
Youre doing better at this than you think, you've got this. X

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/06/2021 20:12

My ds did totally different things with his dad, it’s not going to work getting his dad over ! He was completely potty trained there and seeing in his pants and worse at home ! It’s because they feel comfortable with you, at their dads they are on their best behaviour.

Honestly you might just need to go super nanny and even get a baby gate on the bedroom door. We had a terrible time getting ds to stay in bed.

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:13

@ChangePart1

Do you get on with his dad okay? Could he come and spend some time at yours for bedtime for a few nights to work on this together? Maybe he can show you what he’s doing that works well, see if that helps. Another option would be to make his room toddler proof and once you say goodnight and close the door that’s it, give him chance to tire himself out and realise that once mum puts him to bed it’s time for bed and there isn’t the option to keep running in and out. Use a monitor so you know he’s safe.

You could post on a sleep group on Facebook for more tailored advice, Respectful Sleep Training/Learning is a great one.

Remember if you feel you’re on the verge of losing it with him it’s absolutely fine and for the best to put him somewhere safe, whether that’s in his room or somewhere else, shut the door and take a breather. Sorry you’re going through this.

I spent an hour tonight with him in and out of his room. If the gate is on he climbs over it. His dad did come tonight after the hour and went up and settled him and he went straight to sleep. I just don’t understand. We both have exactly the same bedtime routine.

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SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 20:17

What was he crying about, do you know? And would it bother you if he fell asleep with you?

I think loads of this stuff is about picking battles. I wonder if you're feeling as if being firm is the only right way?

I have a four year old and quite often she falls asleep snuggled up next to me and then I transfer her into her bed; sometimes she won't be moved so she stays. I don't really get the point of making a crying child stay in their own room for the sake of it, at that age. It's a pain for you and I doubt they're learning much.

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:17

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

My ds did totally different things with his dad, it’s not going to work getting his dad over ! He was completely potty trained there and seeing in his pants and worse at home ! It’s because they feel comfortable with you, at their dads they are on their best behaviour.

Honestly you might just need to go super nanny and even get a baby gate on the bedroom door. We had a terrible time getting ds to stay in bed.

I definitely get all the shitty behaviour from him compared with his dads. He does have a gate but he can climb over it

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SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 20:18

Cross posted, but re. your last post - I'm with my DP, but it has amazed me how totally differently DD responds to each of us. It's definitely not to do with how we do a specific routine. We've compared and contrasted too many times to think that!

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:18

@Falaffeleybollocks

Attachment parenting Gentle parenting And repeat 3.5 year old who go between 2 houses, don't need firm, they need massive amounts of cuddles and care I speak from years of shared parenting. Also try aha.com Youre doing better at this than you think, you've got this. X

He’s literally attached to me when he is with me, rarely leaves my side so I just don’t know what to do. With his childminder he behaves like the perfect child, same with his dad. With me, a nightmare! He walked past me the other day and kicked me in the leg! No reason, nothing. I try to speak to him and it’s like he just doesn’t understand

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Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:20

@SarahAndQuack

What was he crying about, do you know? And would it bother you if he fell asleep with you?

I think loads of this stuff is about picking battles. I wonder if you're feeling as if being firm is the only right way?

I have a four year old and quite often she falls asleep snuggled up next to me and then I transfer her into her bed; sometimes she won't be moved so she stays. I don't really get the point of making a crying child stay in their own room for the sake of it, at that age. It's a pain for you and I doubt they're learning much.

He just kept wanting more hugs and kisses. I go in, tuck him in, hug and kiss, say night and leave. Wishing a minute he’s stood at the door shouting “mummy come hug me” and this just repeats over and over. He woke at 430am the other night , did the above for an hour then took him in my room. Because I didn’t that he was like “it’s morning time!” So I don’t think being in with me would help him either

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 20:21

You said yourself OP, you’re not firm enough- firm and consistent, could take a few nights, could take more but it will be a battle of wills. Less talking, keep returning - make sure he’s exhausted come bedtime could help.

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:22

@Falaffeleybollocks

Attachment parenting Gentle parenting And repeat 3.5 year old who go between 2 houses, don't need firm, they need massive amounts of cuddles and care I speak from years of shared parenting. Also try aha.com Youre doing better at this than you think, you've got this. X

What is aha.com ? It just brings up a computer website for me? Thanks

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SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 20:23

Oh, I have been there with that! It's rough isn't it? I think they go through an annoying developmental stage every now and again when they insist it's morning and they need no sleep.

But I still reckon if he wants hugs and kisses, maybe just take the easy route and snuggle him until he's down? The alternative is exhausting a three year old until they fall asleep miserable, which brings its own problems.

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:23

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

You said yourself OP, you’re not firm enough- firm and consistent, could take a few nights, could take more but it will be a battle of wills. Less talking, keep returning - make sure he’s exhausted come bedtime could help.

It’s hard to explain but it’s like the second I go in his room he tries his best to keep me in there and I know if I just leave when he’s saying “my pillow wrong way” or “Teddy not laid properly” then he will get really upset

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Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:24

@SarahAndQuack

Oh, I have been there with that! It's rough isn't it? I think they go through an annoying developmental stage every now and again when they insist it's morning and they need no sleep.

But I still reckon if he wants hugs and kisses, maybe just take the easy route and snuggle him until he's down? The alternative is exhausting a three year old until they fall asleep miserable, which brings its own problems.

I do keep thinking maybe I should just stay in his room till he falls asleep but then I worry he will want that forever

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 20:25

It’s hard to explain but it’s like the second I go in his room he tries his best to keep me in there and I know if I just leave when he’s saying “my pillow wrong way” or “Teddy not laid properly” then he will get really upset yes it’s all a tactic to stay up, stop rising to it

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 20:25

Do not stay in his room until he sleeps, you’re replacing one problem for another

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:27

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s hard to explain but it’s like the second I go in his room he tries his best to keep me in there and I know if I just leave when he’s saying “my pillow wrong way” or “Teddy not laid properly” then he will get really upset yes it’s all a tactic to stay up, stop rising to it

Halfway through I hear myself thinking “what the eff are you doing!! Retreat ! Retreat!!” It’s like whenever he whines/cry’s I forget everything other than trying to immediately placate him

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whatswithtodaytoday · 09/06/2021 20:27

Could you just lay with him until he falls asleep? He might just be needing extra reassurance at the moment.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 20:27

It’s like whenever he whines/cry’s I forget everything other than trying to immediately placate him oh you’re way nicer than me lol

Thelnebriati · 09/06/2021 20:28

DS was like that, and he learned to settle with a photo to kiss, a teddy, and some music or stories playing.

Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:28

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s like whenever he whines/cry’s I forget everything other than trying to immediately placate him oh you’re way nicer than me lol

It was much easier with my eldest but I think that’s because I was with my ex then, who was firmer and was there to say “she’s fine, just leave her for a bit” and he was also there to take it in turns etc

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Original poster

Hugmemum · 09/06/2021 20:30

@Thelnebriati

DS was like that, and he learned to settle with a photo to kiss, a teddy, and some music or stories playing.

I did play moshi bedtime story tonight for the first time, didn’t seem to make a difference really.

I tried asking him earlier why he doesn’t like going to bed and he said “stop talking to me” charming!! He’s a bit behind with his speech so it’s hard to try and discuss stuff with him

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 20:31

I would say as you are in your own don’t get into the habit of sleeping in his room to sleep/ it may be harsh to you to almost sleep train but you deserve your down time more than anyone in the evening

sadperson16 · 09/06/2021 20:31

The adrenalin will be coursing for both of you. Its horrendous.
Could you try saying " I'm just going to sit here quietly and read my book" in his room.

TomHardysPyjamas · 09/06/2021 20:32

At 3 DS wanted an adult beside him to fall asleep. At 17, he doesn't.

He definitely won't want you to do it forever, but doing it now creates a sense of security in a tricky time for him..