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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at MIL over pregnancy

48 replies

pearlsandpetals · 09/06/2021 18:10

Hi everyone, I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and we told all our family a few weeks back. Most were absolutely thrilled but my MIL although she said she was happy at the time seemed a bit disappointed because she was hoping it would be her other child who had a baby first. She even made a comment saying something like "oh so you beat X to it then". Anyway fast forward a couple of weeks and to everyone's suprise MIL's other child announced they were expecting too. Myself and my partner are obviously very happy for them but it upset me how MIL reacted to their news. She apparently burst into happy tears and has been thrilled to bits. I am a bit upset because she might think more of the other grandchild than ours. I've shown her some scan photos and whilst she is interested, she made a comment saying she hopes X is the one to have a boy because shes always wanted a grandson and would rather us have a girl. Should I call her out on this as I don't think it's particularly nice? I've always got on really well with MIL so I don't really get why she doesn't seem as happy for us as she does with her other child.

OP posts:
Sillawithans · 09/06/2021 18:12

I'd call her out. I got on great with my ex mil until I had a baby!

User52739 · 09/06/2021 18:13

Is her other child a daughter? I’m not justifying this at all because it’s horrible but some women see the children of their daughters as more ‘theirs’ than the children of their sons. It’s a massive shame but really common.

Summersun2020 · 09/06/2021 18:13

She sounds like an absolute horror. I would absolutely care her out on it! What a witch

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 09/06/2021 18:13

Thanks both, no her other child is a son.

OP posts:
Jennyfromtheculdesac · 09/06/2021 18:16

Are they older?

fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 18:16

Your husband should call his own mother out! Why isn't he?

She sounds awful, but is giving you plenty of warning. Your family and your child are coming second, I would remove myself and stick with a couple of polite visits a year at most.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 09/06/2021 18:17

@Jennyfromtheculdesac only by a year

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/06/2021 18:17

Well she will be too focused on the other dc she won't be poking her nose in your business..
My mil never bothered with my dc when her dd had hers.

Curiosity101 · 09/06/2021 18:19

I honestly don't think I'd say anything in your scenario. I can't see any conversation that ends well for the two of you and your relationship.

I would however speak to your partner and see what he thinks. See if it bothers him too and what he'd like to do about it (if anything). If you find that your MIL does obviously show preference for one grand child over the other once they're both here then I'd address it then. But again, only if it was likely that your child would pick up on the favouritism. And again I'd still talk to your partner before doing anything as you'd both need to be on the same page and ideally he should be handling the MIL relationship.

So in summary... I really would let it go unless your partner wants to handle it/say something. How she's being now might not reflect on how she treats your little one when they arrive.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 09/06/2021 18:22

Thanks all

OP posts:
C152 · 09/06/2021 18:36

YANBU to be upset by your MIL's comments, but I wouldn't bother 'calling her out' on it. She's your DH's problem; not yours. I'd just be polite and prepare to have a distant relationship with her from now on.

stackemhigh · 09/06/2021 18:37

Stuff her, she is not a good person playing favourites. Stop sharing updates and pics with her, soud slike she wants to create drama.

PerhapsCarriageGreen · 09/06/2021 18:38

Your DH needs to have the conversation with her, not you.

Hankunamatata · 09/06/2021 18:39

Has brother been trying longer/suffered infertility issues?

Sensateria · 09/06/2021 18:39

I would go and read some of the “I’ve just had a baby - interfering MIL” threads on here, breathe a huge sigh of relief that MIL’s focus will all be on the other couple and their child, and let all her comments go over your head.

Wombats12 · 09/06/2021 18:41

I think I'd be asking why in this situation. My mum was funny when my younger sister got engaged as I was older, I didn't give a hoot. Is the other child older?

BlueDucky · 09/06/2021 18:41

she made a comment saying she hopes X is the one to have a boy because shes always wanted a grandson and would rather us have a girl

What a horrible thing to say. I'd stay well clear of her.

Hankunamatata · 09/06/2021 18:42

There could be loads of reasons behind this. Other child older or married or been in relationship longer or been trying for ages and nothing happened.

Focus on your pregnancy and try to put it out of your mind

LouHotel · 09/06/2021 18:46

Potentially op as upsetting as this is for you, your sil may have to contend with a mil wanting to be at the delivery, decorate the nursery.... might be a case of count your blessings.

EmmieC · 09/06/2021 18:46

Definitely not unreasonable. It’s not wonder you are upset, what horrible things to say and do! She should be just as excited for you as her other Son. My MIL was an absolute horror my whole pregnancy and after, so much so that we are completely no contact now. I don’t like confrontation so didn’t really say much at the time and too much had happened by the time I did. I think you (or DP) should speak to her about how she’s hurt you.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 09/06/2021 18:47

Thanks for all your comments. To clarify, other son is not older, is unmarried like us, has not been in a relationship as long and has no fertility issues as far as we are aware.

OP posts:
Soundbyte · 09/06/2021 18:49

I’m my mothers oldest child and only daughter, and she burst into tears when I told her I was pregnant too, but they weren’t happy tears in the slightest. In fact she was really off with me for a long time. Sometimes people just don’t react the way we want them to and all you can do is mentally fuck them off and give it no more headspace. They will be the ones to lose out, my mother certainly did in the end.

SpindleWhorl · 09/06/2021 18:51

She sounds bloody crackers.

I pity the other poor DiL. Does she know what she's getting into? She'll be the support human of the golden child and the golden grandchild.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 09/06/2021 18:54

She probably just had a picture in her mind of younger son having a boy and older son having a girl. Maybe MILs can suffer gender disappointment too…

8dpwoah · 09/06/2021 18:54

@Sensateria

I would go and read some of the “I’ve just had a baby - interfering MIL” threads on here, breathe a huge sigh of relief that MIL’s focus will all be on the other couple and their child, and let all her comments go over your head.
Oh I agree... I was so thrilled when SIL announced her pregnancy (for them as well, obviously) just as we found out I was also pregnant again as it meant there wouldn't be a repeat of the batshit behaviour we had when our DD arrived with the preferred child producing a couple of months ahead of us.