I need help with my six year old

[LittleBlackCat22]

My daughter has always been a dream, no tantrums ever, always does as she’s told etc.
We moved house 3 months ago to a new area, we needed to as there were just no jobs where we were living at the time and we were able to afford to buy finally.
Since the move she has been a true nightmare. She hates me and my partner, she hates her new school even though she has made a lot of friends and often doesn’t want to leave the school. We’ve been bugging her teachers daily for updates and he says she’s extremely popular and has kids asking to play with her all the time. I know she is missing her old friends and we visit them weekly as we only moved an hour away. She is violent, pushing me down the stairs (I’m 4 months pregnant). She is absolutely fine and loves her life until we ask her to do something, like tidy her room. She is acting like such a brat atm but as we’ve never had to deal with tantrums before we just don’t know what to do. We have tried banning her from tv and games, tried gentle talking and reasoning, we’ve tried being stricter but nothing is working. I’m really at my whits end and I just don’t enjoy being around her atm.

Aibu to ask for some help from parents who have experienced similar?

We’ve thought about jealousy of the baby, it that’s the one thing she is truly happy about as she’s been desperate for a baby sibling for years.

New partner, new school, new baby - she's overwhelmed by all the change.
She may seem to love school, but it may still be overwhelming her and stressing her out.
Have contact arrangements with her father changed? Is she seeing him less now?
Do you have less 1:1 time with her?
I think you need to ride it out, be patient, give her lots of love and positive attention and lots of reassurance.
But she's 6 and there have been a lot of changes in a short time which is big for an adult, let alone a 6 year old.

Not a New partner, he’s been her dad since she was 3. She’s never met her biological father.

Anybody?

New area, new friends, new school, new baby, all on the tail end of chaos of pandemic/lockdowns/homeschooling.

My 6 year old has been through a hell of an emotional ride in the last 18 months due to covid. Doesn’t suprise me that new school and new friends and new baby is too much for your DD.

You and your partner are her one stable - be patient with her and go the love-bombing route.

I wouldn’t engage or indulge a tantrum from a six year old. Make sure she can’t hurt herself and let her get on with it. ‘Use your words’ is usually for children much younger but maybe she needs to use hers! As for pushing you down the stairs! Really?! Because she’s well old enough to know that is dangerous and utterly wrong and I’d make sure she knew how disappointed I was that she thought that was ok.

Yes she’s had a lot of changes, but you’re also bending over backwards for her to make her feel secure, so time for her to meet you halfway.

When you say you’ve tried being stricter, can you give some examples? Does she have boundaries and a set routine at home?
I use a gem jar- if they meet targets I set such as kindness and being polite and tidying etc they get a gem in the jar. They save these for a treat or to earn screen time.

I wonder if she’s finding it hard to accept that this is her new life, because you’re spending so much time back at her old home and her old friends? Weekly is a lot, and doesn’t give her a chance to settle where she is now if all her weekends are spent in her past. Could you give it a break for a few weeks, do some fun things at the weekend in your new area, and help her that way? It’s surely worth a try.

That’s a good point about the to-ing and fro-ing back to her old life.

Is she as happy about the new baby as you think? She might have seemed desperate for a sibling but the reality is, a baby is not much fun for a six year old. To them it just means they don’t have all of you anymore. That might be starting to sink in.

No 6 year old of mine has ever tidied their room, nor would I expect them to btw. Pick your battles. Probably too much change in her life at one time.
I would say to cut or at least reduce the visits to the old friends - this will always fizzle out when you move house eventually. Returning there is keeping her attachment to her 'old life' going.
Obviously do not accept violence from her but everything else pick your battles. Ensure you are giving her lots of attention.

She’s definitely excited about the new baby. She LOVES babies.

We see her old friends because their parents are my really good friends. I don’t want to cut my friends off.
She will tidy her room, she always has done and she will do it now but it involves an hour tantrum first. I’m just so exhausted with it. I want my lovely girl back.

I was a military brat. I hated my parents every time we moved. My behaviour went downhill, partly I think because I desperately wanted to exert control over the few things I could. I had no choice over where I lived or for how long, which school I went to and it made me rage. I was jealous of my friends who had "roots". It didn't last but apparently it was hell for my mum each time.

New school, new house...New baby coming plus covid. I'd imagine she might feel the same at the moment. Try offering choices over the things you can, days out, whats for tea etc. Could you decorate her room with her input? Make it feel like home. I also agree on reducing the physical visits back to where you used to live as it seconds mixed signals.

I don’t think anyone is saying cut your friends off. But weekly visits is a bit intense, when do you have time to put down roots in your new area with new people?

@Dinosauratemydaffodils she has a newly decorated room that she chose, she always chooses what she wants to do and eat etc. She’s very independent.

I don’t want to reduce the visits home because I miss my friends and family and she misses hers. Unfortunately we’ve been priced out of our hometown and had no choice but to move to a cheaper area. We hope to move back in a few years time.
I don’t know anyone in my new year and don’t know how to meet people when I’m not currently in work or going out.

She’s stressed. Socialising at school with all the new lovely children wanting her to play is actually exhausting. Imagine going to a party with 30 people everyday. She just needs some routine, predictability and clear boundaries.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I don’t think anyone is saying cut your friends off. But weekly visits is a bit intense, when do you have time to put down roots in your new area with new people?

If it's a permanent move, you both need to find some new friends in the immediate area. Once you have your new arrival, you are unlikely to want to drive 1 hour every weekend both ways to see friends. Covid must make it difficult but can you not do a few playdates with new school friends or go to a local park or similar. Is she picking up on your ambivalence about being in the new location?

It's a lot of upheaval for a young child. Try and ignore the bad behaviour and reward/praise the behaviours you do want to see. Even if they're not immediate . For example , the room tidying. Ignore any fuss and how long it takes ,but then lots of praise and interaction when she is done. Negative attention is still attention.

Also, where possible give her limited/acceptable choices. Over what she eats,wears,what she does,when. So she does get a say and some control. Do the same for chores/things she doesn't want to do. She can do it now or in 10 minutes. She can do it by herself or with your help. She can do her room or the livingroom (whatever works for you). The idea is that the job will be done, but she has a choice over when,how etc.

Otherwise you just get stuck in a very negative and toxic cycle where you're angry at each other and resentful. Her for always being told off, you for having to deal with her behaviour and having to tell her off all the time.

I'm so sorry its tough for you but put yourself in her shoes. The closest thing as an adult would be moving to a new country where you have to start your life.from scratch. She must be feeling very anxious and confused about.so much change, especially after the unbelievably disrupted year we've all had. She is acting out her worries and fears because she doesn't know how to express herself like an adult would. Can you ask her to draw her feelings? Tell you a story about another girl who moved house (it can help if kids can project onto an imaginary character). How much did you prepare her for the move, is she comparing her expectations with a different reality? How much time do you have together at home to play? Has she any say in how her new bedroom is decorated? Would she enjoy a chance to choose her own things for her room? All small things on their own, but all parts of internalising and accepting the huge changes. Give it 6 months of patience and I'm sure your lovely daughter will be back to her self

Totally agree with the tooing and froing.
You say you miss your old, nicely behaved daughter but you also miss your friends from back home. Decide what you want.

You don't have to go NC with your old friends but how the hell is your daughter supposed to feel secure and adapt to her new life if you keep reminding her of what she had?

You need to smother her with love, absolutely but sometimes the best love involves you setting clear behaviour expectations and boundaries. When she has a tantrum, clear the immediate space around her and let her crack on. Once she's calmed down explain that everyone has difficult emotions they have to deal with but that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to express her frustrations using words.

She's probably simply exhausted. New school, new house, and pregnant mother. And then visiting people every weekend.

She needs down time and rest.

Don't do anything for the next six weekends until the end of term but hang out with her and chill, exploring your new town, little walks etc. Lots of baking, craft and home, just the two of you focusing on each other.

Sounds like she needs some down time at the weekends instead of being taken out visiting. She's having to negotiate a new school. Let her have a weekend in her new house just chilling and not doing much, perhaps cuddles on sofa or playing a game

Oh bless her. Those are massive changes for her little head to take on board.

Give her time, she will settle but I can imagine how stressful it all is for her (and you)

I’d place zero demands on her, let her come home from school chill with ipad / tv / snacks, same for weekends keep everything low key as possible and just let her come round to it all in her own time.

Talk to her every day and let her get anything bothering her off her chest.

She’ll be feeling so anxious hence it showing in her behaviour x

I agree with the others- you need to halt the visits back for a while. Once she is settled you can do visits although I feel that weekly may always be a bit too much once Covid has eased a bit more and parties start again and activities etc.

I agree with other posters. By returning to your old area every weekend, you're giving her the message that the previous location was better and that you're not settled at the new one. You're not modelling making new friends which is unsettling her.
Spend the next few weekends at your new home. Give her time to process all the changes. Children need downtime at the best of times let alone in a new house with a pregnant mum.

Can she help do a list of expectations?
Ds is 6. He :
Makes his bed.
Waters his plants!
Tidies his shoes.
Puts his dirty stuff in his basket.
He loves a list and ticking off as he goes...
Not sure any 6yo should have a maid....

You need to give her a break and a chance to find herself in this new place. She's no idea where she is or what's around her. Instead of visiting friends, spend one afternoon out at walk with her to the local shops or something.

You need to remember that she is scared and vulnerable right now, even if she doesn't show you with big signs.

Yup, definitely a case of needing to put down new roots. She might be picking up on your disappointment at being priced out. Time to find some hidden gems in the local area and to find some local activities that you can all enjoy.