I need help with my six year old

[LittleBlackCat22]

My daughter has always been a dream, no tantrums ever, always does as she’s told etc.
We moved house 3 months ago to a new area, we needed to as there were just no jobs where we were living at the time and we were able to afford to buy finally.
Since the move she has been a true nightmare. She hates me and my partner, she hates her new school even though she has made a lot of friends and often doesn’t want to leave the school. We’ve been bugging her teachers daily for updates and he says she’s extremely popular and has kids asking to play with her all the time. I know she is missing her old friends and we visit them weekly as we only moved an hour away. She is violent, pushing me down the stairs (I’m 4 months pregnant). She is absolutely fine and loves her life until we ask her to do something, like tidy her room. She is acting like such a brat atm but as we’ve never had to deal with tantrums before we just don’t know what to do. We have tried banning her from tv and games, tried gentle talking and reasoning, we’ve tried being stricter but nothing is working. I’m really at my whits end and I just don’t enjoy being around her atm.

Aibu to ask for some help from parents who have experienced similar?

We’ve thought about jealousy of the baby, it that’s the one thing she is truly happy about as she’s been desperate for a baby sibling for years.

Thanks all. I’m going to sign her up to some tasters and see if she can make some more friends that way. The other mums at school aren’t friendly so prob Amy won’t make any friends that way.

Stick to the current issue

If you know what she’s having a tantrum over don’t change direction and issue a punishment - these should only be done when she’s calm otherwise you fuel the tantrum

Say use your words or I’m here when you are ready to speak nicely and leave her too it.

Don’t speak whilst it’s happening don’t go ‘oh god she’s done x’ stay calm and quiet

I would prefer agree a punishment - she’s rude she loses x etc so when calm you can refer to the chart and be calm and stick to it.

Its not about friends or spending time with other people for either you or her.

She needs to spend time alone with you to help feel secure and grounded.

Its a good idea to try tasters but more important, much more important for you and her to spend time together alone.

To me she sounds utterly exhausted. My DD is 5.5 and she is exhausted by Covid and the end of term, and she hasn't just moved schools and house at the same time.

I know it must be hard for you, missing your friends in your old area, but I really think you need to accept that travelling back and forth is not sustainable. You need to give your daughter space to breath at the weekend, not lug her out to catch up with a whole different group of people.

Spend some quiet time with her this weekend at home, take a local walk etc. She sounds like she desperately needs it.

Children don't express exhaustion in the same way that adults do, frequently children play up because they are exhausted and overwhelmed. She needs rest and quiet time with you.

We spend plenty of time alone together. We have one day at the weekend where we usually meet up with friends either by going to see them or they come to see us. I can’t go for walks atm but we will do those when the baby is born. We’re going to do a sticker chart, she got given one at school for eating vegetables and she loves it so going to try one for behaviour.

Have you spoken to her - it sounds like she has a whole lot of emotions swirling through her both negative (moving) and positive (new baby she is excited about) and she doesnt know how to manage them to keep an even keel in her life.

Tantrums are when emotions overwhelm to the point where we have no other outlet other than just to explode.

She firstly needs reassurance that these mixed feelings are perfectly normal and to be expected then given ways to manage them. She is allowed to talk to you about them negatively and positively (and you need to try and not feel guilt for moving her) and then things she can do and look forward to

Give her a break with things like tidying - explain that you are aware that she is finding settling in hard and that you are allowing her time to find her equilibrium with that. And stop punishing her tantrums

I can’t go for walks atm but we will do those when the baby is born.

Based on that is the tidying her room a new thing? Possibly due to pregnancy complications (although I agree it's age appropriate)? If so she may have jumped to the wrong conclusions. My ds was 2 when I got pregnant with dd and he blamed her for making me too sick to do all the stuff I used to. He wanted his old mummy back who could play without puking.

Also my ds is 6, I think behaving impeccably at school all day does leave them emotional/prone to acting out at home. We break up the bedroom tidying into small tasks done over the week which seems to go down better. I also give pocket money for jobs, not much but allows for a bag of pick and mix after football etc and means mostly no tantrums (from him at least).

Sounds like she's overwhelmed with so much change, holding it in whle at school and letting it out at home as that's her safe space.

you can't go for walks? Is it spd?

In which case she must also be really struggling with the fact that you are restricted in what you can do. Shes only little and will be scared about what is happening to her mum.

and at six requests like tidy your room can be overwhelming, partly if it is mess.

Better to do the job together and give her really specific tasks, eg put the books in the bookcase.

Yeah really bad spd. Tidying her room isn’t a new thing though she has always done that

but she's now exhausted and overwhelmed from all the changes she has experienced. Therefore you have to take a few steps back and help her with things that before she did without question.

And don't underestimate how worried she might be at a deep level about you and the fact you are in pain and cannot do things.

Do some role play

Teddy moves house
Dolly gets a new teacher
Dolly gets new friends

Draw your home
Draw your favourite house
Draw your family and friends and school

Might tell you how she sees it all

Huge changes
She is 6
Give her a break
Firm but kind

@LittleBlackCat22

Yeah really bad spd. Tidying her room isn’t a new thing though she has always done that

It is a NEW room though isnt it - maybe tidying it reminds her of what she has lost