To ask for you help - I’m not okay

[CornflowerBlueBird]

Hello.

I’m not okay. It’s all come to a head since over has a baby. I’ve had mental health issues for years and since giving birth they’ve just intensified.

I’ve been unhappy since being a teenager and I used to go out And drink and take drugs. But that didn’t help.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realised I have destructive behaviours - I binge eat. Or I impulse spend on fashion or beauty. I keep telling myself - if I was just thinner, looked better, have better hair or skin then I’ll be happy. I do it about my career - I’ve I just had this or that, THEN I’d be happy. But that’s not right is it?

I have a wonderful husband, lovely child and I’m miserable. I have an amazing family and had a great childhood. So what’s wrong? What am I looking for? I’ve never felt so empty and lost.

I’ve been referred for counselling but I just don’t know where to start plus it could be a year before it starts. I can’t afford private counselling.

Has anyone been through this? How did you get to the root of the problem? I’m already on medication and it’s not working.

Thank you.

Hi, I am exactly the same as you. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that way and like you turned to drink and drugs.

What helped me was medication, if it’s not working go back to the gp and ask for a different kind.

Get off Facebook, seeing someone happier/prettier/skinnier/whatever feeds the negative emotions.

Have a think about where you would want to be if you could click your fingers and magically be that person. But, you can’t post any of it on social media. Figure out what makes you happy. Not what you think should make you happy, not what you think would impress someone else.

Then take small steps to being that person you want to be.

How old is baby?

How long have you been taking medication?

Your post reminded me of the work of Gabor Mate, e.g. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/37-how-our-childhood-shapes-every-aspect-our-health/id1333552422?i=1000424291290

It's a shame that the wait for counselling is so long, in my experience it was the most helpful part. When it does get to your turn, make sure you engage with it fully - it can be uncomfortable at times but you need to be as honest as possible to get the most out of it.

I had a similar feeling to you in my late 20s - not sure whether you are a similar age or not (possibly that's not even relevant). I say late 20s, it started at about 23 and gradually got worse until I sought help at 29 - so most of my 20s really.

It improved when I was in my early 30s, a mixture of counselling, medication and hard work challenging myself when I was feeling this way.

Some people have a default setting of "if there's nothing actively making me miserable, then I'm happy." My outlook has always been "if there's nothing actively making me happy, then I'm miserable." I still suffer from this outlook and probably always will.

The root of the problem, for me, was my attitude and interpretation of events. I would put a negative filter on everything, I would expect the worst and assume if things were bad today, they'd be even worse tomorrow.

What helped me was learning that I can change my attitude. My natural reaction to anything is usually still negative. But I can challenge myself and make myself look at it more rationally.

If a friend was down and depressed and worrying about little things that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, I would always try my best to help them realise that things were not as bad as they seem, that the worst case scenario is less likely than a multitude of better ones, that sort of thing - I just couldn't apply the same logic to my own problems.

I've rambled on enough, but my last point is don't worry or blame yourself for feeling this way. Blaming yourself won't help you get through it, it will make you feel worse. Challenging your thoughts is not the same as blaming yourself for having them.

Baby 6 months. Been on medication for about 3 months. Thing is, I’ve realised I’ve been this way for 20 years, since I was in my teens. I want to be satisfied but I just feel empty and I have been trying to ‘fill’ Myself for years with all sorts of stuff. But today I realised none of that will make me happy. I have a wonderful family, I need to be satisfied. I just need to figure out what’s wrong with me.

I feel so sad today, I’ve wasted my life.

I dream of the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect house. But it’s just stumbling blocks. If I got all those things, I’d still be unhappy wouldn’t I?

You've not wasted your life my love, you've built what others sometimes take a life time to never even have. Your baby needs you that is your purpose now. Try and do things each day that bring you positive feelings, like going for a walk or sitting in the garden, eating a bit of chocolate, listening to music. They won't solve your problems but will help ease things until you get counselling.
If the meds don't work ask your GP for a higher dose or change them xx

@CornflowerBlueBird chasing material things is a quick way to unhappiness yes. Yes there's always something else. You need to change what you see as important... If it were me it'd be baby, its baby's time now, if they're happy so am I. Xxx

I can really recommend Betterhelp as a more affordable private therapy route

I dream of the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect house. But it’s just stumbling blocks. If I got all those things, I’d still be unhappy wouldn’t I?

Yes, but it's possible to learn what does make us happy.

It depends on what ‘perfect’ means for you.
I used to think I wanted to perfect body, house, job. But in reality I wanted what the world and society perceive as perfection.

The perfect body when I was growing up was stick thin, now it’s big bums and lips. Would I be happy being either one or is it actually ok being somewhere in the middle?
The perfect house is probably too big for me and my little family, would take so much money and time to keep on top of. Oh but I’d have a cleaner and a gardener. What would I get out of it?
The perfect job varies but we can all see that doctor/vet/lawyer is seen as amazing careers but do I want to put all of those hours in? Struggle to juggle everything it takes with those careers?

My perfect life is nothing how I imagined it, when I decided that my perfect meant nothing if I couldn’t post online about it I realised that the problem wasn’t what I do or don’t have, it’s everything I see online telling me what I want.

My perfect turned out to be a teeny tiny ancient cottage, a body that birthed a son, that lets me walk the dogs, that lets me enjoy food. A job that I enjoy that barely pays the rent but gives me time which I value more than money.

I could have written your post after I had my DC

Could you see if you have a perinatal mental health team locally? They normally deal with mums up to a year postnatally

I didn’t have any intervention after dc1, but the intervention after dc2 probably saved my life

A couple of options I’ve used/others I know have used:

IESO if it’s available in your area, it’s NHS online CBT therapy. There might be another one like this you can self refer to if you ask your doctor
Betterhelp and Talkspace, both paid for but cheaper than conventional counselling. My sister uses one of them all the time but can’t remember which!
A group called Anti-Burnout Club that me and my friend have been doing since January, the next theme is self confidence so might tie in nicely
Lots and lots of charities out there that can advise but not a huge amount out there for counselling

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, I felt the same as you for a long time and finally finding myself again. It does take a while but you’ll get there

[quote PumpingPauper]@CornflowerBlueBird chasing material things is a quick way to unhappiness yes. Yes there's always something else. You need to change what you see as important... If it were me it'd be baby, its baby's time now, if they're happy so am I. Xxx[/quote]
My baby IS the most important thing to me. But don’t I matter too? Don’t my feelings count now that I’m a parent? Or as I’m a mum now is that all I’m good for?

@CornflowerBlueBird yes your feelings count and no that's not all you're good for but it's something to hold on to and make it your best thing in the absence of others in the meantime, which it already is tbh.

Why do you want better/more do you think? Xx

@UsernameNotAvailableApparently

A couple of options I’ve used/others I know have used:

IESO if it’s available in your area, it’s NHS online CBT therapy. There might be another one like this you can self refer to if you ask your doctor
Betterhelp and Talkspace, both paid for but cheaper than conventional counselling. My sister uses one of them all the time but can’t remember which!
A group called Anti-Burnout Club that me and my friend have been doing since January, the next theme is self confidence so might tie in nicely
Lots and lots of charities out there that can advise but not a huge amount out there for counselling

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, I felt the same as you for a long time and finally finding myself again. It does take a while but you’ll get there

Thank you. I’ll look into all of these. I did see Betterhelp but I’m not sure we can afford it. It’s so frustrating that mental health isn’t better provided for.

Have you looked to see whether there are any affordable counselling services in your area? Near me there is and its reduced further for people in receipt of benefits etc. Sounds like you need counselling to get to the root of this feeling and work on some coping strategies.

@CornflowerBlueBird Yeah I know Betterhelp isn’t cheap cheap, I think it’s a lot cheaper than face to face counselling (but depends where you are). Still doesn’t help if you don’t have the funds at all!

I waited about 2 weeks for IESO or was told 18 months for conventional therapy so definitely push your doctor to find if it’s available locally or what the equivalent is if not!

I really hope you find something suitable!

Given that this has been going on a long time, so isn't PND or something else birth related, look at your childhood.

Did your parents make you feel that you weren't good enough? Did you have prettier/richer friends and felt jealous? Has this translated through your life into 'if I can just buy/do one more thing' everything else will fall into place?

It does sound like something in the past has made you feel this way. If you can identify what it is, you can start to work on it.

@PumpingPauper it’s not that I want better than my baby. I don’t know how to explain it, I think it’s just having to face my mental health since having him, I’ve realised I’ve never been happy and I’ve been searching for something that isn’t there? Does that make sense? Like it’s a hole I’ve been trying to fill all These years.

@Feedingthebirds1 my parents were wonderful, always have been. It’s me, it’s my head.

I've been reading a lot about adhd in girls lately. There is a very strong link between adhd in girls, anxiety, depression and eating disorders etc as a teen/adult.
In addition to that adhd in girls is woefully underdiagnosed. It might be worth doing a online screening questionnaire to see if it's possible that it's been missed, as if it has it may be that the meds you need are very different to the meds you are on.

Ok so if you had that golden something what feelings would you expect to then have? Xx

@PumpingPauper I guess...content? Satisfied? Normal? Not down or empty...which I’ve realised I s been feeling for ages. Not jealous of others or like a failure all the time.

@PutYourBackIntoit I’ll take a look, thank you