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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To do this our way?

30 replies

ABitTornAndABitSad · 09/06/2021 09:53

I'm pregnant with my first.

I don't have any family. DH is an only child, albeit that his Dad has 3 older children who have 7 grandchildren between them. He has had no contact with any of them since he married DH's mum. They are nice people, we see them often and I'm very fond of them, but they like things to be done their way and will kick off until they get it, which is awkward at times.

DH & I are quite private and don't want to make the pregnancy 'public' until later on. We've told our closest friends, but we won't do an announcement, and we're not going to tell wider friends/work etc until a bit further down the line. It will have an impact on my career otherwise, due to the timings of promotions etc this year.

I'm due in the Winter - if it's allowed, we're happy for them to come and meet baby at the hospital when we're feeling okay, but we'd like some time to ourselves to settle in at home after that. We've got no room at home for visitors anyway, really, I'm worried about how a baby is going to fit!

I'd like to breastfeed, if I can.

DH told his parents early - he was really excited. His mum sobbed for what felt like five years, and his Dad didn't react at all. We explained that we wanted to keep it quiet for a while, which they understood, and then his mum asked if I planned to be one of those selfish women who breastfeed so that nobody else gets a turn, and his Dad said his only advice was to start physical discipline young so that the baby is well behaved. It was pretty awkward and eventually the conversation was changed.

The next day they called to say that it was a shock but they're very happy for us - and to ask DH if they could start telling people.

They've called twice a week since to ask if they can tell people and say that we're ruining the fun and they want to share the news and that we knew they were impatient and shouldn't expect them to keep it to themselves.

I'm dreading telling them anything else... DH has spoken to them about the constant asking yesterday, which made his mum cry, and then made me feel bad. He's said we'll stick to what we've decided, and they'll learn to live with it... but I know there will be loads of tears and messages about us pushing them out first.

Is it unreasonable to plan to stick to these? Are we being really selfish? We are really excited, but I have friends who really regretted letting people walk over their first few months, and the in-laws have history... his mum cried on our wedding day because it wasn't what she'd imagined for her son, and has had our photos professionally photoshopped Blush

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 09/06/2021 10:02

Yeah, set your boundaries and live your own life.

1000glitterydicks · 09/06/2021 10:06

His mum sounds like a drama llama. She had your wedding pictures photoshopped?! What did she do to them?!
I'd nip this crying thing in the bud by ignoring it.

Juneisjoyful · 09/06/2021 10:09

Imo you need to bf for 3 years and let your dc become feral.
They won't want to be visiting you then!!
Job done!!. My mil went bonkers I bf... Apparently it wasn't fair because she never could...
Ignore op. And ignore some more..
And I would knock the hospital visiting on the head.. No new dm needs that sort of stress so soon after giving birth.. Your dh needs to keep them at bay. Ime never text back. Forward any texts to dh to reply to.
Makes for much easier long term relationship management...

Ponoka7 · 09/06/2021 10:13

I agree that you need firm boundaries. Tell his Dad straight that you won't be smacking your child, it you'll find that one day he will. Now is the time to start to give honest feedback, if it causes a falling out, so be it. It sounds as though they could spoil what should be a precious time. Don't make any promises of visits to the hospital, yet. Stand your ground on bf and shit down any complaints.

Aprilx · 09/06/2021 10:16

I think you are being unrealistic rather than selfish. You have told family and friends about the pregnancy but at the same time want to keep it quiet. There is only one way to keep a secret and that is to not tell anyone. Humans talk, they always have and always will. That makes us human, not bad, somebody could easily slip up unintentionally.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 09/06/2021 10:22

Based on the other information you gave I’d keep to the boundaries now. I do think it’s difficult/unrealistic to tell people then ask them to not to tell anyone for quite a while and based on the way they are I think you probably knew this would happen.

baubled · 09/06/2021 10:23

DH needs to continue to be firm with them, he needs to make it clear now that you'll be doing things your way and he does want them to be involved as grandparents but not as decision makers and that he expects both of your decisions to be respected, even if they're not agreed with.

SmellThis · 09/06/2021 10:28

Persistent little buggers aren’t they
You do things the way you both want to
Their opinion doesn’t matter
Congratulations by the way

TillyTopper · 09/06/2021 10:30

I think the valuable lesson here is don't tell them anything until you are ready for the world to know!

SquirrelFan · 09/06/2021 10:31

Another one curious as to what changes MIL made to the wedding photos!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/06/2021 10:33

His mother sounds extremely strange.

KM38 · 09/06/2021 10:37

@ABitTornAndABitSad congratulations on your pregnancy OP 😊 I agree with others - set your boundaries now and do things your way 100%!!

My MIL also threw a fit at me asking her not to tell people 🙄 apparently you “Have to post it on FB so that people know” 🤔🙄 and she was furious that we didn’t “announce” my pregnancy. Even now, DS is 7m old and she comments every week about me being overly precious because I don’t of pictures of DS on social media and have asked that all family follow our boundaries on that.

UhtredRagnarson · 09/06/2021 10:38

OP you can very much ignore everything those people say for the entirety of your parenting life. They’re idiots. And even if gent weren’t, they don’t get a say. Ignore them. Enjoy your pregnancy and early parenting days.

guessmyusername · 09/06/2021 10:38

Tell them you are moving to Scotland where corporal punishment is illegal.

LittleOwl153 · 09/06/2021 10:40

How long are you expecting them to keep the secret? I think to your 12 week scan is normal- but beyond that you need to be prepared for it to come out. I don't think it's wrong to do it your way and tell people when you want - but in reality once you tell someone something you have no control over what they do with that info.

In terms of the feeding/punishment etc of course you do what you think is right for your baby and hold very strong boundaries with your inlaws!

TTCat39 · 09/06/2021 10:41

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, OP. I think your OH needs to sit them down for a serious conversation about boundaries with your relationship with them. It seems well overdue as it's already caused you upset with the wedding too. Photoshopped! Wtf.

We've already told our parents that I'm pregnant, and haven't had any trouble. But to be honest I am expecting some from other friends and family. We are somewhat 'late to the party' with most of our friends having already had children and I have witnessed other soon-to-be-mothers being lectured on how to do it. I'm not a confrontational person but in this instance it is likely to make me push people away. This has been a stressful and exhausting process already, and I have no interest in comparing my experience with others. I also know I am not going to respond well to the cooing and the fawning that seems to come with pregnancy and babies. We too are quite private people and the way people seem to respond to pregnancy news always seems overbearing to me. I sound very grumpy 😬

Frogcorset · 09/06/2021 10:45

Just tell them no, and in future, don't tell them anything. I didn't tell anyone, including family and close friends even the colleagues who saw me dashing off to throw up until almost 19 weeks, because I had some complications, and was mostly concerned with those. Several friends and colleagues guessed, but I appreciated their discretion a lot.

Your ILs sound quite mad and unpleasant. Why is your pregnancy a 'shock'? What did your MIL find so weep-inducing about your wedding, and what on earth did she photoshop into or out of the photos? Am I misreading this, or did you say your DH's father has had no contact with your DH's half-siblings since he married your DH's mother -- so he abandoned three other children?

SayersScripts · 09/06/2021 10:49

We were in a similar situation- we asked my ILs not to tell anyone I was pregnant until I hit second trimester, only to find out my MIL told my husband's only brother shortly after because she "didn't think we meant him". In hindsight this was part of a pattern of behaviour and we should have been more insistent and explicit about what we meant by "not telling anyone"!
You need to stick to your guns even for the sake of having a good relationship with them in future- my ILs don't get to hear about any future pregnancies until I'm quite far advanced and we've told everyone else, which they will be upset about, but it's the consequences of their own behaviour. If they can't respect your rules they'll have to be the ones to suffer for it.
Also, do not let her guilt you about breastfeeding for one minute- I'm actually shocked she would insert herself and her wishes into that decision.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2021 10:50

Judging by your FIL's views on corporal punishment, it sounds as though his other children were better off without him.

We all have views on corporal punishment - personally I'd save it for parents who abandon their children.

nokidshere · 09/06/2021 10:53

I think it's unreasonable to tell people them expect it to remain secret. If you are that private why have you told some friends and family, a secret isn't a secret as soon as you've told one person.

The rest of it is irrelevant really. Just ignore. Nod, change the subject but don't enter into discussions about it. They have no say or control over what you do or don't do. Stop giving it headspace because you will spend your time anticipating problems instead of enjoying your pregnancy.

If they 'kick off till they get their own way' that's down to the people letting them do that. Let them kick off, ignore them whilst they are doing so and don't do anything you don't want to.

Diamondnights · 09/06/2021 10:55

Congratulations!

I think you really need to stick to your boundaries NOW. That way, hopefully the parental tantrums will be got out of the way. If you give in, you'll train them to cry to get their own way. Sounds like toddlers...

Jent13c · 09/06/2021 10:56

I don't think I would be taking parenting advice from someone who's eldest 3 children have no relationship with him.

My parents were a little the same, DF was horrified that I hadn't posted an announcement for my second born on fb. DM hated me breastfeeding, found the whole thing vulgar. I breastfed for a year and a half and they had barely any relationship with their grandchildren for a long time. IMO grandparents who try to control things like that rarely want to be grandparents in anything more than title. We are working on things now but I still have to remind her on an hourly basis that I'm perfectly capable of being their mother and she doesn't have to intervene.

ABitTornAndABitSad · 09/06/2021 10:57

@Aprilx We've told his parents, and two close friends. It's not big news - we're the last to have kids and in our 30s - and I'm not that far gone. I'd understand a genuine slip but given none of the people who know really know each other, it's an easy thing to keep quiet, I think.

I'm not devastated if it comes out, but it is very likely to impact on my earning potential so I'd rather put that off for now.

The wedding photos... she's mostly just edited the background because she wanted us to get married elsewhere. There are a few that I think she's removed some guests from... Nothing massive, no photoshopping of me or anything, thankfully! It's just a bit odd.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/06/2021 11:00

They sound ridiculous. I’d lower contact right down to the very minimum, and hard boundaries when you do see them.

Of course you don’t have to listen to MIL re breastfeeding- she’s absurd to say it’s selfish. The baby’s needs are far more important than her need for a turn!

And as for your FIL - words fail me! He wants you to hit your child from an early age? And he abandoned several of his children when he married your MIL? He seems an absolute piece of work- by far the worse of the two! I’d be tempted never to see him at all, or if you do plan to see him, tell him that you will not be hitting your child (don’t mince words and say “smack” or “physical discipline” - which makes me feel a bit sick even to write) and anyone who does or who advocates it will never see said child again.

TheSaucepanMan · 09/06/2021 11:07

They don't sound lovely at all, very oppressive. I'd tell them nothing else ignore all the drama texts and reply only to the rational ones.

Congratulations!

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