Third child, how did you decide?

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How did you decide whether or not to have a third child? Was it the right choice?

I currently have a 5 year old and an 18 month old. I'm 35, DH 36. We are undecided on having a third baby!

For:

• we enjoy having a busy family, both of us like having kids
• we have the space and should be able to afford a third with a bit more careful budgeting
• our kids have no cousins so I like the idea of them having more than one sibling

Against

• I have had two fairly straightforward births and lucky to have two healthy babies. Feel like we're pushing our luck a bit and would be gutted if I ended up with birth injuries or something third time round.
• we have no family support (they live too far) and I worry that being outnumbered would be too much for just two of us to cope with!
• am I too old??

Lots of posters in the same position! We should all update in a year with what we decided

The expensive years are yet to come.
Depends how much financial support you want and can afford to give to your children when it comes to the £££ years.
University, gap year, driving lessons.
Parents are not obliged to pay for any of that- my parents did help me, but I was glad to be able to support my two children through these times.
THree ids would have been a struggle to do.

speakout I only just realised how much it costs to have a DC at uni, alarming... at least our 3 year gaps between kids means hopefully won’t be there at the same time

We always wanted three - no idea why, DH and I are both one of two. But there just seemed to be a glorious completeness about three that you don't get with just two DC. Even now, eight years on, I still love signing cards etc from us as a family and writing down three children's names which sounds stupid but I do. I can't remember making an actual decision because we just always planned to have three.

I love the juggling act of managing a bigger family, but I'm naturally very organised so I definitely thrive on that kind of busy atmosphere. The only negative for us was the 8 year age gap between DC1 and DC3 as it's too big really (we hadn't bargained on fertility issues which left us with a big gap between DC1 and 2). So I'd say if you're going to do it, ideally don't have a gap bigger than 5/6 years between oldest and youngest, because DC's needs and interests are just so different, and for a period of time the older they get the harder it gets.

I found it hardest when the eldest was a young teen - too young to be left home alone but far too old for the kind of activities the younger ones enjoyed. Equally, the younger ones were too little to join in with the kind of activities the teenager liked. That is getting a lot easier now they are all older though and the relationships between them are developing and changing all the time.

I do agree with the point that others have made about finances. The world is still very much geared to families of four, and I think if you don't have a decent financial cushion it could be very tough. We are very lucky in that DH is a high earner so finance hasn't been an issue so far - the bigger car was affordable, we have a house big enough for everyone to have their own room, we have investment plans set up to cover uni fees, support with DC house deposits and so on and we can cover holidays and treats without scrimping. I do realise though that we are incredibly fortunate to be able to do this, and our situation is very much not most people's reality. I think if finances had been really really tight for us then we might have thought twice about having a third.

I have 3- love them all to bits… but i wouldn't recommend it. It’s hard to get quality time with all three already and they are 2, 4 and 6. I fee completely stretched, and I know it will only get worse

Gosh, you’re braver souls than me. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the nights with my one is repeating the mantra ‘I never have to do this again!’

@user52739 how old is yours? It get loads easier, promise!

How lucky are all the children that will have help throug uni, buying a first home and going on a gap year if they choose?!?!

I had none of this, still did it all, knew the value of money and how hard I had to save to get what I wanted in life. I worked throughout uni, still got a top grade. Didn't go on a gap year, was never interested but went on holidays, again paid for by myself. Saved for a deposit for a house within the first 3 years of employment after uni.

So I guess what I'm getting at is I wouldn't put it as a con to having 3 kids as they will have to sort it themselves as I did.

I would point out that both kids currently have a decent amount in savings already which will be given to them at some point in life ha!

Was decided for us.... tried for second and pregnant with twins 😀

c24680
How lucky are all the children that will have help throug uni, buying a first home and going on a gap year if they choose?!?!

Yes they are lucky. It is help I never had ( typo upthread) and I wanted to give it to my own children.
I don't believe you have to suffer to appreciate the value of money.
I also think things are much harder than when I was young.
Like you c24680 I bought my first house when I was very young- 22- how many can do that nowadays?
I wanted to help my kids and give them a leg up into the adult world.

I would point out that both kids currently have a decent amount in savings already which will be given to them at some point in life ha!

I hope you are saving this money in your name. If it is in your children's name then once they reach 16/18 ( depending on the account) you will have no control over when "that point" is.
My DS's friend's parents saved for their son so that he sould go to University or help with a property purchase.
As soon as he reached 18 he withdrew the lot, and spent £30K in a year on beer, fags and tattoos.

I have three and I'm so glad I do. We left a 4 year gap between 2 and 3 as we have a small gap between the first ones and I found that tough. I love having my little one. The cons exist, yes it's costs more and it's harder to find things they all enjoy, but my youngest has slotted in perfectly and her older siblings adore her. The car thing is a none issue as you can have three on a reasonable sized family car, you don't need a people carrier. A lot of hotels now allow 5 in a family room but self catering tend to require you to have 3 bedrooms which is a bit annoying as ours wouldn't mind sharing for now. I know this will change fairly soon as the oldest is 10 now. All in all though it's a once a year extra expense not worth focusing your decision making on. I don't find it that much harder than 2 but I found the sleepless nights tougher third time round as I was older.

I wouldn't change a thing though

I always wanted two kids, close in age, same sex. Ds2 was born a month before ds1 turned two, so technically, I hit my personal jackpot. I didn’t feel done though. I wrestled with it for about three years and then had ds3 just before ds2 turned four.

On paper, quite a lot of the the things that people worry about happened. DH lost his job, ds3 was premature and very poorly, spending a week in SCBU. He has autism. He was an appalling sleeper, casting DS2’s shenanigans into the shade. He’s 11 now and knowing all I know I wouldn’t change a thing. We didn’t feel done and once he was born we did. He’s perfect and we are complete.

The washing machine is never off though.....

I’m in a similar(ish) boat - have a 3 year old and 6 month old and do not feel “done”. I haven’t been able to get rid of any of DC2’s baby stuff and just can’t imagine this being the last time I experience the baby stage. It’s weird because I’ve really struggled having a baby in lockdown and feeling like I have to split my attention. I suspect I’ve actually had PND. Yet desperate to do it again...is it just hormones?!

DH and I are both one of 3 and love having 2 siblings. DH doesn’t enjoy the monotony of small kids though and it would be better for my career (I’m the breadwinner) not to take another long mat leave. It’s really tricky.

If we do it we’d probably go for a 2.5-3 year age gap again so I’m going to give it another year and see how we feel about it then. I wouldn’t want a larger gap as I wouldn’t want the gap between eldest and youngest to be more than 5 years ideally, and also worried about getting older myself (I’d be 35/36).

I have two. They are 10 and 7 now so we are well past the baby stage and I definitely don't want to start again. Relatives are having babies and I enjoy spending time with them but it reminds me of the intensity of it.
I never really yearned for a 3rd like I did a 2nd but for us the reasons against were :

1. Most hotel rooms, family tickets, days out, etc are for 2 adults and 2 children. When there are more of you the cost massively ramps up such as needing 2 hotel rooms. We just can't afford that.
2. We didn't want to be outnumbered.
3. Our eldest has sen that didn't become apparent until he was 3 years old. This has had a bug impact on our family and often takes time away from our youngest. I wouldn't like to bring another child into that situation to stretch me any further and as horrible as this sounds, I couldn't cope with another child with sen.
4. I didn't realise until I became a parent how much I enhoy silence, how lazy I am and how little patience I have. I am absolutely not suited to having a large family

@highlighteryellow six months. God I hope that’s true!

I’m excited for this thread to be updated in a year with everyone’s decisions

The washing is endless.

I actually don't think writing out long lists is very helpful. If you have the capacity and the will to have a third then it becomes a leap of faith, you either jump or you don't.

I love having three. We have a lot of life, warmth, friendship in our house and it fuels the spirit. They make a great team and DH and I have never looked back.

But my god, the washing.

@highlighteryellow "We should all update in a year with what we decided". I like that idea :) I've told myself that if we do try for another then the earliest we'll start TTC is 6 months time and if we haven't decided in 18 months then that means we're happy with 2.

Yes to the washing!

And the food shopping

Especially once they are teens!!!!

Still love having three though.

@speakout

It's good you want to help, I'm not judging you at all.

The accounts are in my name because I'd read a similar story about what your friends son had done before having children and had already made that decision!

Read this with interest; I want a third because I’d like a larger family in several years, not because I particularly want to go back to the baby years.

We’ve got time and finances on our side (although we’d need to move house and possibly get a bigger car) but I’ve just been promoted at work and was looking forward to accelerating my career rather than taking more time out. Plus the risks associated with the pregnancy and birth (my second was awful and I was unbelievably lucky to escape without long term injuries).

It’s a real head vs heart decision!

What was the outcome, did you end up going for a third?

@highlighteryellow