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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third child, how did you decide?

73 replies

highlighteryellow · 08/06/2021 11:03

How did you decide whether or not to have a third child? Was it the right choice?

I currently have a 5 year old and an 18 month old. I'm 35, DH 36. We are undecided on having a third baby!

For:

  • we enjoy having a busy family, both of us like having kids
  • we have the space and should be able to afford a third with a bit more careful budgeting
  • our kids have no cousins so I like the idea of them having more than one sibling

Against

  • I have had two fairly straightforward births and lucky to have two healthy babies. Feel like we're pushing our luck a bit and would be gutted if I ended up with birth injuries or something third time round.
  • we have no family support (they live too far) and I worry that being outnumbered would be too much for just two of us to cope with!
  • am I too old??
OP posts:
Original poster
highlighteryellow · 08/06/2021 18:12

@vodkabulary oh that's brilliant! I don't think I could do that but I do have the option of working very part time if I want (2 days a week - currently on 3.5).

OP posts:
LondonElle · 08/06/2021 18:41

I didn't decide him and number 4 were "surprises" but I adore them both.
It's never the right time to have another but in my opinion you rarely if ever regret a child!!

bigbluecup · 08/06/2021 19:06

I went for baby #2 and got a BOGOF deal so the decision was taken out of my hands. 3 was never the plan. 3 means a bigger car, more expensive holidays (I was one of 3 and so many holidays were geared towards 2+2) and the sheer thought of putting 3 kids through uni within a few years of each other 🥴

That said, I’ve briefly considering #4 already. Just a little too scared it’ll be twins again.

DappledThings · 08/06/2021 19:14
  • Didn't want to be outnumbered at all times
  • Didn't want 2 of them to have to share a room
  • Didn't want to have to buy a bigger car to fir three seats in
  • Nursery fees!
  • 2 adults and 2 children is a standard family entry ticket, we like to take advantage of those
  • Don't want to have a middle child

I don't have anything to add to the pro column!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/06/2021 19:20

@DappledThings

a friend once said she wants to kids.
"why? because I have 2 hands!"🤣

ChompStompRoar · 08/06/2021 19:21

I’ve got a 5 year old and just turned 3 year old. They’re amazing and fun and easy to be with. We’re through the tricky stages of potty training and everyone sleeps well etc. We’ve recently stopped using a pram. No need for special water bottles or prepping special food. I just take out my tiny handbag for me now 😂

DH and I were discussing having a third baby through most of last year. I was keen to have another lovely newborn. Then in February my friend announced that she’s having a third baby and my initial thought was “shit, poor you” 😂 She’s happy, but my gut reaction was that her life just got a whole lot more complicated. I knew immediately that I didn’t want to go back to nappies, breastfeeding, pregnancy, carrying all of the spare clothes, weening, bottles, waking up through the night, lugging about a pram… it just seems like a whole load of hassle.

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 19:29

Moment of madness. We wanted 4 but third one literally broke us BUT all ours were quite close together.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 08/06/2021 19:38

My fors are;

  • I like the idea of a bigger sibling group particularly when they’re adults
  • part of me doesn’t feel quite finished having DC

Against
-money - we have enough for 3 technically but we’d be stretched and things like extra curricular activities wouldn’t be so easy and we’d have to move somewhere bigger, get a bigger car etc
-I don’t know how I’d manage 3 kids and my fairly stressful job
-it’d be hard to ask family to have 3 kids to babysit so we’d never get any time together
-I find the baby stage and sleep deprivation very hard and that has put pressure on me and DHs relationship that I don’t think I want to do again
-my pregnancies were very high risk and I don’t want to push my luck

Overall it’s a no for us as logically it makes sense and the health risk pushes us into that choice

SmednotaSmoo · 08/06/2021 19:38

My first two were very similar age to yours. But I’d spent years trying to get pregnant abs we were putting off the decision on whether to try for a third until the younger one slept through (never yet happened and he’s 5).

Anyway, one night I said not to bother with a condom, as I don’t get pregnant that easily and we were “in the moment” and nine months later our family was complete. Oops.

I’m sure it we’d made the decision (we hadn’t decided against, we just hadn’t decided for definite - otherwise contraceptive choices would have been better!) we probably would never have decided on a third for all the genuine reasons that a third makes life so complicated. But our life and family definitely feels complete now in a way it didn’t before, and I have no pangs for another child.

Original poster
highlighteryellow · 08/06/2021 19:40

@chompstomproar I actually had a similar moment recently. I was in jojo maman bebe, enjoying looking at the tiny baby clothes and then suddenly I was in the maternity section and I saw those disposable maternity knickers things and thought...actually...maybe not...

OP posts:
DipSwimSwoosh · 08/06/2021 19:45

2 didn't feel like enough. 3 feels perfect. They have a lot of fun.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/06/2021 19:46

If you're open to the idea then go for it.
I knew my 2nd was my last I've never questioned my decision.

DulseSeaweed · 08/06/2021 19:48

We are about to have a third but financially it was a massive decision. Investing 1/3rd more for uni/helping with houses etc, likely to retire later, thousands in nursery fees, will need a bigger car, when they're older will need an extra hotel room on holiday. Etc etc. Our eldest two have 12 years between them though and I wanted this one to have a 'proper' sibling. I do feel guilty about the environmental impact Blush

BlondeRaven · 08/06/2021 19:49

I always wanted a big family but didn’t have our first until I was 36 second at 38. I wanted more but DH wasnt sure we decided by the time I was 40 that we had to call it quits. A few months later after a party where there was a new born DH was drunk and all broody and said let’s have another, I pounced and held him to his drunken request and pretty much fell straight away. My DCs do have cousins but we are either NC with them or hardly see the ones we do have a relationship with. I love having 3, they are close enough in age to share interests and I’m lucky they do get on very well. I’m 45 now, if I was 10 years younger I’d definitely have more.

Iloveyou3x · 08/06/2021 19:50

I went with my heart over my head and am currently expecting #3 who is a little girl after two amazing baby boys. I feel complete already so I wonder how ill feel when she arrives!

UnsureOfNC · 08/06/2021 19:54

We've decided to stop at 2.
My car is big enough to fit us all in, don't want to buy another
They don't have to share a bedroom
We can go abroad and not have to worry about getting an extra room
Childcare is bloody expensive enough as it is and i'm not prepared to ever give up work
They are both girls and have a close age gap so saved us a lot of money

BUT i still have this niggling feeling that one more would be lovelyGrin

MyFloorIsLava · 08/06/2021 19:59

I was a perfect parent before I had children and a pretty good parent with one child. I am an ok parent with two children. If I had 3 I would be a crap parent.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/06/2021 20:02

My younger sister had twins so suddenly that felt like a very real prospect and 4 kids was really not on the cards for me.
We wanted to financially have the option to send our kids to private school. Just as well as it turns out.
I had DD2 at 39. Crashing a third that soon seemed insurmountable with working FT (though would have managed with hindsight)
Disability is an issue as you get older. I would struggle a lot to abort a child that did not have a severely life limiting illness but would have issues. DH and I would have a huge dispute if the baby was at risk of Downs for example.

DH wanted three as we had two girls and had aspirations to do stuff with sons. Pointed out that it was likely 2 would become 3 girls and not to be a git.
He's one of two and wished there had been someone else to hang out with with his sibling was being an arse.

None of this possibly helpful. We stuck at two and haven't regretted it but I was a lot older than you and not prepared to give up my job.

LongTailedWinterBird · 08/06/2021 20:04

Thanks for this thread OP! I hope you're finding it as useful as me....I could have written your first post! We have a 4yo DD and 2.5yo DS and I'm OBSESSED with having #3. I hate myself for it to be honest!

I've wanted a third since DS was born, and the feeling's got much stronger since I suffered a horrendous bereavement last year. My family is tiny and I have 1 sibling - it suddenly felt very small and precarious, and the burden on me is frightening. DH has a huge family and I envy his 'backup' (but interestingly, he really doesn't want a 'big' family).

Deadleaf29 · 08/06/2021 20:08

We made a list - on the con side: We’re tired, one child has special needs that take a lot of time and input (any future child at higher risk of same too), everything is designed for 2+2, we’re finally enjoying slightly older children and I don’t want to go back to nappies and bottles and prams, I had two horrible pregnancies and two hard births, I absolutely hate parenting toddlers, the dynamic is lovely between the two we have and I don’t want to mess it up, basically I just don’t want more and my blood runs cold at the very idea of a positive pregnancy test. I’m 99% sure I’d of course love another child but I’d regret them.

Pros: a snuggly baby for a few months. More adult children. We can afford it and have space.

The cons won easily!

DSGBT · 08/06/2021 20:17

I wanted 2 but got 3 as I had twins second time round!
Pros - they love each other, play together fairly well, it’s always busy and never a dull moment! My DD has disabilities so her having two siblings is great for her and the boys worship her.

Cons - expensive, so many clothes to buy, cost of swimming lessons etc is out of our reach for 3 and everything is geared towards a family of 4, houses, cars, holidays.

I honestly think it is a heart over head decision though, if we went by head decisions with kids we probably would never have any!

Whoopsies · 08/06/2021 20:31

We currently have a 7 year old and a 22month old. We have talked and talked about no3. Before no2 accidently happened we were sure we only wanted one, but now we would have another!! But we have ultimately decided against it. The biggest thing for DH is lack of space and funds, and for me it's that I genuinely love our life at the moment, we are financially in a good place and have 2 lively healthy happy boys who adore eachother. I love the day to day fun of the two I have and don't regret any of it at all, so I just don't want to risk upsetting the great life we currently have.

c24680 · 08/06/2021 20:47

Following because we're trying to decide as well.

Currently have a 3 year old and 3 month old so wouldn't be for another 2 years due to nursery costs.

Pros -

  • Love busy family life
  • another sibling to play with
  • I would feel my family is complete

Cons -

  • Space, we have a 3 bed so two would have to share, usually this isn't an issue until they're teens.
  • Money, we could afford it but it's putting life on hold again while paying for nursery for 2 years.
OrangeBananaFish · 08/06/2021 20:56

What swayed us was that we decided we would never regret having a child and might regret not having one. So DC3 came along.

Gemma2019 · 08/06/2021 21:10

I was watching Breeders the other night and the woman was talking about kids and said "three is the tragic number" which did make me laugh as it really is harder work than you think it will be. And bloody expensive.