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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like my colleagues are being a bit unfair?

45 replies

Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 08/06/2021 09:08

I work in a very stressful job. It’s been bringing me down for ages. Impacting on my mental health, my family life etc. I’ve been in this job for quite a long time (about fifteen years) and I have felt like it has been a millstone around my neck for a while now. This past year has been particularly terrible and I reached a point where I just can’t sustain the pressure of it any more.

For a long time I felt that I couldn’t leave. That I was too “niche” and I’d never manage to find a new job elsewhere. My confidence is shot. But I have. I have found a new job (actually doing something completely and utterly different) and I am so, so relieved and happy. So I put my notice in a couple of weeks ago (but it’s a 3 month notice period so still a while to go).

We are a very close-knit team and I like the people. I thought we were friends. But a couple of my “friends” within the team have taken the news that I am leaving really badly. One cried when I told her and has barely spoken to me since. The other has been plain rude to me ever since. Many, many passive aggressive remarks from both of them.

The reason for this reaction is not that they love me so much they can’t bear to see me go. It’s that me leaving is, to be honest, going to add to their workloads a lot, and will likely put them under a lot more pressure than they are already under. I appreciate it’s going to be hard for them. I do feel badly about that. I don’t know if there is a plan to replace me, I think they will need to but it might take some time.

I feel bad. I really do. But on the other hand there is nothing stopping them looking for new jobs themselves. The fact that their workload will increase does give me guilt but at the same time...I mean I can’t stay where I am just to appease them, I doubt they would stay for me.

They’ve made me feel like I’m doing something really terrible. I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong

OP posts:

missmopple · 08/06/2021 09:10

That's all you need to be thinking about.

Congratulations on your new job.

Smoothyloopy · 08/06/2021 09:13

You are responsible for your own happiness not theirs. Enjoy your new start 😄

ShirleyPhallus · 08/06/2021 09:13

If they’re acting like this then they’re not real friends and you should be pleased to be leaving such an environment

Congrats on your new job

CRbear · 08/06/2021 09:13

Wow the company has really done a number on you lot! As if they’re mad with you rather than the employer that’s out them in this situation. Try and ignore. I’m just coming to the end of a 3 month notice period too and I’ve adopted a “clock in, clock off and countdown” mentality to get through it. I know how hard it can be! Good luck

MoiraNotRuby · 08/06/2021 09:14

Congratulations on your new job 👏 I have been at the same place nearly 20 years, you give me inspiration and hope that maybe there is a better job out there for me!! Stay strong in these final weeks. Your colleagues are unsettled but they shouldn't take it out on you.

Overdueanamechange · 08/06/2021 09:14

Congratulations on your new job.
Their blame should be aimed at the employer, not you. If they are making a difficult situation even worse you need to be talking to HR.

purplemunkey · 08/06/2021 09:14

You haven’t done anything wrong. They’re angry at the situation and taking it out in you. Ignore. Get through your notice period and enjoy your new job x

Lots of people are leaving my work at the moment. I’m on the lookout too but not much out there for me at the moment. Whenever I hear of someone else leaving I just think, ‘good for them!’.

Aliceinunderland · 08/06/2021 09:16

Look forward to your new job and congratulations! The long notice period is enough time for them to find your replacement so there's shouldn't be an impact on their work long term. They're probably ground down and can't see it improving any time soon hence their sole focus on themselves.

1FootInTheRave · 08/06/2021 09:17

I am in a very very similar situatio. Currently working my notice period for the nhs.

My colleagues have been lovely.

Yours are way out of line.

5475878237NC · 08/06/2021 09:18

Tell them not to be so ridiculous and take it up with the management rather than taking it out on you! They are not your friends. Congratulations on your new job!

LeafBeetle · 08/06/2021 09:18

It's your boss / your company that is in the wrong here. Not you - or your colleagues really. They're reacting so badly because of the stress they're under.

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2021 09:21

They’ve made me feel like I’m doing something really terrible. I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong
It's not personal OP. They are as stressed and just seeing that their life is somehow even more stressful. You say that they can look for another job as you have. Indeed, but you didn't do so for many years because you didn't feel you could. Maybe they feel the same as you did then. Maybe they have applied to job but haven't been lucky.

The best you can do is respect their fear of what you going means to them. They are deep inside likely to be happy for you, but all they can focus on is their anxiety as what it will mean to them, understandably.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/06/2021 09:22

They can't possibly expect you to stay in a job you hate to make their lives easier. I'd ignore them to be honest, sounds like the stress is getting to them too.

longwayoff · 08/06/2021 09:23

Congratulations on your new job. Horrible to think your current colleagues are so over-invested in their jobs, sounds awful, you're well out of it. Wish the same for them.

Zealois · 08/06/2021 09:26

Not your problem. They're being ridiculous - ignore it, and look forward to your new opportunity.

Maybe they'll be inspired and go find something better too. I've seen this happen in a job before.

SmellyBottomHead · 08/06/2021 09:26

Congratulations on your new job
Don’t give them another thought , wankers

MindyStClaire · 08/06/2021 09:27

I was in your shoes, and it was indeed awful for my former colleagues for six months or so until after I left and they finally hired a replacement. But they never held it against me, because only a crazy person thinks someone should stay in a job they don't like purely to help with their colleagues' workload.

IntermittentParps · 08/06/2021 09:30

Tell them not to be so ridiculous and take it up with the management rather than taking it out on you!
Agree with this.

Fuck em.
Enjoy your new job when you get there!

Alternista · 08/06/2021 09:33

I read something this morning that said “You are not responsible for other people’s emotions in response to you setting boundaries”.

Maybe try and pretend you’re doing some sort of crash course in emotional intelligence and you’re all role playing, and use this time to reset your own boundaries and sense of responsibility. It might take the sting out of it a bit? And just keep telling yourself that you’ve done nothing wrong- they are just reacting out of their own issues.

Keep going, you’re nearly there and soon this bit will be a memory x

Original poster

Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 08/06/2021 09:44

Thank you. This is all quite illuminating.

We are all far too invested in this job. I’ve had my eyes opened to it and I don’t want to live like this any more. The anxiety is killing me.

They are stressed. I know that’s at the root of this. I don’t expect them to be dangling from the lights in excitement for me. But I could do without the eye rolling, exclusion and passive aggressive comments.

OP posts:

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 08/06/2021 09:49

They can be as upset as they want, but it is your life and you have to live it for you, not for other people. If they have issues then they must take them up with management not you. You aren't responsible for the way that the business is run.

Maybe they will come round with time, but you might need to take it up with management yourself if their behaviour continues.

Wheresthebeach · 08/06/2021 09:53

I think 3 months is a long time to put up with this. I'd be tempted to say something like 'I know you're stressed, but you need to deal with it without being awful to me for the next few months'.

There is no reason for you to put up with this - it won't help you and they clearly aren't friends in any real sense of the word. I get being upset you are leaving, I get why, but after the initial 'oh no!!!' they should be grownups.

Optimist1 · 08/06/2021 09:57

Congratulations on the new job.

If the opportunity arises, remind your colleagues that there are many reasons a person might leave - moving to another area, winning the lottery, health condition, family responsibilities, etc, so they're being unrealistic to expect your team to remain the same forever.

TailFeatherz · 08/06/2021 10:03

Just look after number one

billy1966 · 08/06/2021 10:04

@Wheresthebeach

I think 3 months is a long time to put up with this. I'd be tempted to say something like 'I know you're stressed, but you need to deal with it without being awful to me for the next few months'.

OP, they are completely out of line.

Your life, your choice.

If this continues you will never want to see either of them again.

In your situation I would tell them they are being extremely unfair in their treatment of you and that if it continues you will make a complaint.

I do not think you need to put up with this for three months.

Get signed off work but do NOT tolerate this nastiness.

Nobody is forcing them to stay.

They are NOT your friends so come to terms with the fact that you will want NOTHING to do with them when your move on, so adopt that attitude now and don't put up with this.

Congratulations on getting out.

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