To feel like my colleagues are being a bit unfair?

[Anythingelseintheboxpandora]

I work in a very stressful job. It’s been bringing me down for ages. Impacting on my mental health, my family life etc. I’ve been in this job for quite a long time (about fifteen years) and I have felt like it has been a millstone around my neck for a while now. This past year has been particularly terrible and I reached a point where I just can’t sustain the pressure of it any more.

For a long time I felt that I couldn’t leave. That I was too “niche” and I’d never manage to find a new job elsewhere. My confidence is shot. But I have. I have found a new job (actually doing something completely and utterly different) and I am so, so relieved and happy. So I put my notice in a couple of weeks ago (but it’s a 3 month notice period so still a while to go).

We are a very close-knit team and I like the people. I thought we were friends. But a couple of my “friends” within the team have taken the news that I am leaving really badly. One cried when I told her and has barely spoken to me since. The other has been plain rude to me ever since. Many, many passive aggressive remarks from both of them.

The reason for this reaction is not that they love me so much they can’t bear to see me go. It’s that me leaving is, to be honest, going to add to their workloads a lot, and will likely put them under a lot more pressure than they are already under. I appreciate it’s going to be hard for them. I do feel badly about that. I don’t know if there is a plan to replace me, I think they will need to but it might take some time.

I feel bad. I really do. But on the other hand there is nothing stopping them looking for new jobs themselves. The fact that their workload will increase does give me guilt but at the same time...I mean I can’t stay where I am just to appease them, I doubt they would stay for me.

They’ve made me feel like I’m doing something really terrible. I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong

Congratulations on your new job! 💐

I’m just going to echo what other people have said really. They’re probably angry at the situation rather than you, but they’re being completely out of order to take it out on you and you don’t have to put up with it.

Congratulations on the new job! I used to work in the VAWG sector, and it was utterly crushing after a while. You become close to colleagues, and have an emotional attachment to the work in a way you wouldn't in a corporate job. Leaving the people was a wrench, and my colleagues were sad to see me go, but they didn't hold it against me like yours seem to be. That's really unnecessary, and ultimately makes everyone's lives harder.

Good luck to you in your new position - a change is as good as a rest, as they say. I certainly felt lighter on my feet when I changed direction.

Three month notice periods are tortuous. I had to work through one and it was grim. It doesn’t help that many employers don’t even start the recruitment process for your replacement until the three months is nearly up.

I agree with what all previous posters have said. I would also say that in my case I found some ex colleagues viewed my leaving as almost a judgement on their staying - there was a weird cult like atmosphere at the job where many people acted like and spoke as if it was the best company in the world and by leaving I was contradicting that view of the world. It may not be an issue in your case OP but I felt it very strongly.

I agree with what all previous posters have said. I would also say that in my case I found some ex colleagues viewed my leaving as almost a judgement on their staying - there was a weird cult like atmosphere at the job where many people acted like and spoke as if it was the best company in the world and by leaving I was contradicting that view of the world. It may not be an issue in your case OP but I felt it very strongly

This is a huge part of it, come to think of it. Especially with the rude one. She seems to have taken it personally

In your situation I would tell them they are being extremely unfair in their treatment of you and that if it continues you will make a complaint. I agree with this. Or tell your manager it is causing you stress and you want to do a good handover before you leave but it's getting to the stage you are considering asking to be signed off.

Congrats on the new job. You haven’t done anything wrong. If their workload will increase its your bosses that are to blame for not having a system in place that allows for team changes. They are taking it out on you as you’re the softer option. Rise above!

Upset at someone going, especially if it creates more work? Well, yes - I can get my head around that one.

But passive-aggressive comments and exclusion? That's border-line (if not actual) bullying and shows why you've absolutely made the right decision to leave.

Fuck 'em. And congratulations on the new job!

This is a huge part of it, come to think of it. Especially with the rude one. She seems to have taken it personally

I think when your workplace starts to make unreasonable demands on your time, resources and mental health it can be really hard to find the mental energy to face the fact that it just isn’t a good place to work anymore and to think about finding somewhere new, particularly if you’ve been there a long time and have a lot invested in it professionally and personally, and you may be fearful about whether you will find another job. It’s doubly hard if you have good friends there and if you did enjoy working there at one point. You’ve obviously been through that thought process OP and are out the other side; your leaving may be bringing those thoughts out in your colleagues and they may be finding it difficult to process things. I’d try and cut them some slack OP and just count the days until you leave. You all sound very burnt-out.

Congratulations on the new job, I hope you have some holidays accrued so you can get out before the 3 months. Meanwhile, try your best to keep your head down, do your job and try not to get too upset about the colleagues. You won't have to continue a relationship with them after you leave if you don't want to. I imagine they are jealous of your ambition to get away from such a stressful environment. Yet as you say, there is nothing stopping them from finding another job. I wouldn't be busting a gut at work for the next few weeks. Start to wind down and don't bother stressing about what's to be done. It won't be your problem soon. Your boss should hang his head in shame at the way he runs the place.

Your boss should hang his head in shame at the way he runs the place

Or she as the case may be?

Congratulations on your new job, don’t give your soon to be ex colleagues another though, you’ve done nothing wrong.
I did something similar a few years back, my old job took so much out of me i ended up being signed off sick, i couldn’t Even go near the place. I quickly Found a new job and left, never went back so i have no idea what working my notice would have Been like, but judging by how much of a nightmare pre holiday handovers etc were there would have Been a lot of drama

Ignore them! Congratulations on your new job. 😊

Congratulations!

Have you seen the thick of it? Say NOMFUP (not my fucking problem) to yourself in the mirror.

I agree with what all previous posters have said. I would also say that in my case I found some ex colleagues viewed my leaving as almost a judgement on their staying - there was a weird cult like atmosphere at the job where many people acted like and spoke as if it was the best company in the world and by leaving I was contradicting that view of the world. It may not be an issue in your case OP but I felt it very strong

I left a job after 15 years of it mostly killing me inside and I found this reaction to be common amongst my colleagues as well. Perplexing. My very best work friend in all my years there found it difficult to speak to me during my notice period and took annual leave on my last day as she was going to find it too upsetting. I love her and understood, the ‘why are you leaving this marvellous working environment/company less so. Congrats on the new job OP. If others can’t be happy for you then they need to work on themselves.

Congratulations! Try to ignore the unpleasantness from your colleagues. You’ve had the drive and energy to get out of a stressful environment. They may be jealous of that.

Oh wow, I needed this thread today, thank you OP! I’m in a very similar situation, except I am leaving to have a baby! We are so understaffed, our workload is unmanageable and we have needed another two people for a few months now..but because I’m off on mat leave in two weeks, the atmosphere has been awful. The people I thought were my friends asking me to leave later!!!! To “compromise for the business”. Even when they admitted it’s our managements fault for understaffing us in the first place. It’s left a sour taste in my mouth all round! Enjoy your new job!! X

Congratulations on your new job!!
Don’t feel bad. You have to do what’s right for you. Like they should do what’s right for them (ie look fo a new job etc..).

Thanks everyone. I’ve been thinking about this, and the institutionalisation in that place (my team seems particularly bad for it) is ridiculous.

I am just going to smile and nod my way through the next few months. Wish i could just go now tbh. Three month notice periods are the worst.

Do you have holiday to use up that would - in effect - shorten the amount of time you have to be there for (e.g 1 months worth of holiday and a notice period of June, July and August means you could take August off)?

Op do you know if/when management are planning on recruiting your replacement?

Is there anything positive you can do to speed the process up or say that they need 2 people so that you can help to train the new person/people and have a decent handover time, to help alleviate their stress a bit?

Not that you should have to of course but it might help to throw the focus off you and in doing an analysis of what you and the others door would expose how much you are all doing and howdifficult it would be to replace you and the others (especially if you end up with a new person in post and one of the others were taken out for a couple of months or more say by an accident or long covid etc. Dh once did this on leaving a job a few years back and was both pleased and annoyed that he had been replaced by a person a grade higher and two a grade or two below when he left asthe work expectations were so crazy... socould help them in the long run!