Am I being crazy?

[nanamelon]

Hi there,

First time posting so sorry if I say anything inappropriately. This is quite a long post so I’m sorry for that, too.

Please tell me if I’m crazy or partner is making me crazy?

I am living with my partner (his house- he pays for mortgage). Before COVID, I got made redundant in end of 2019, I paid for food and take aways and luxury (weekend away in uk, expensive whole foods trips, nice take away every weekend etc).

With COVID, I couldn’t get a job so lived off my payment package. Then he started to pay for grocery (basic groceries, no extra nice things like chocolate or ice cream, I never asked for anything extra). Just mentioning this as I don’t want to drip feed.

In 2019, I got a little health problem, which I bled with blood clot a lot (sorry tmi, filling heavy pad and tampon every hour on average) and cant get procedure done as Covid. We were actively trying for a baby so I was really mentally and physically exhausted, upset, hormones all over the place. I tried to tell him my feeling even to the point showing the blood clot to demonstrate it really affected me. He looked at it, pulled the face in disgust and told me “you’ll be alright”?!

There’s a few little things he’s done and said to me but it will be too long a post and it looks like I am listing his bad behaviour in my view.

So fast forward to now, I just gave birth to a premature baby two weeks ago. She’s in hospital and I go in to be with her everyday except for today.

Today I have a huge argument with him regarding breast pump. So I have to express milk and have been using the hospital loan one. They want it back now so I ask if he could buy one. I mentioned the hired one too but at £40 (with discount) I think it would be better to buy one (around £145) as I can use it at hospital too or if we go to see his parents. He was ok wirh it.

The next day he changed his mind saying it too expensive and want to look at the cheaper one or hiring one. I said ok up to you and it’s your money so yeah. I said I don’t want to look at it anymore because I have look for the past week and a bit fed up because breast pump and expressing, washing stuff every two hours and sitting in hospital draining me.

He said I’m stuck up and just think he made of money. He only asked to look online for himself to see. He also the proceeded to say I do f all around the house (I cook,
clean, and hoovered, I cleaned also his bathroom which I don’t use). He does the same but never touched my shower room.

So I said to him that he made me so unhappy I don’t want to live with him anymore and I’m moving out. And I made him taking the milk in for our baby whilst I’m at home packing my stuff to move out. He then said if I say sorry he will drive me in otherwise I’m a danger to everyone around me?!- Am I? (Anyway I refused to say sorry)

He then messaged me about I only care about me, and i only want to satisfy my feeling and ego and don’t want to see our baby. He said “be a parent and go to see your daughter” (as if I sit around the house watching telly)

I’m very upset and confused. He knows I love our baby but he makes out I’m a bad mother.

Update:

Please can someone advise me with the below. I’m absolutely devastated.

So after I kept asking him to leave me alone and since we are both unhappy with each other, lets break up. He won’t let me. He kept telling how every month I get hormonal and I should see it, adjust and control myself. Especially after I give birth. He also called me an immigrant f-word. Which I then call him a tw for that.

I got so angry, frustrated and upset. I ripped his pyjamas (which I bought) then proceeded to finish packing. Whilst packing in the kitchen (most of stuff are mine) I took all the knife, fork, spoons out. At this point he called the police and made the allegation that I damaged his property (the pyjamas) and pointed the knife at him (?! Why not mentioning the forks and spoons, amongst other stuff too).

Because he called the police, I got arrested, after some questions, they asked what I want to do. I said I want to see my baby. The police somehow already contacted the hospital and informed them about me, I think he also said he concerns about our baby’s well-being. So now I can’t see baby until they assess me and they also will call him to ask if I can see our baby.

I’m absolutely in pieces. How on earth from the morning I have asked to be left alone and ready to move out without asking for any argument, turning into I’m the one to be blamed, and subject under all scrutiny under the sun.

Please advise what I can do, why his words are to be believed and not mine. What my legal right is. Why the hospital thinks it’s ok for him to decide when I can see baby. I’m in the hospital everyday from morning till late afternoon. He’s in about 1 hour max. But they trust that he loves our baby more than I do? They trust him that I will hurt my baby?!

I’m so so sad, please tell me what to do.

You need proper legal advice op! And speak to your health visitor/midwife about how you are feeling..did you point a knife at your partner?

Hope you get support and your premature daughter if doing ok!

Leave him he is nuts

@Mammyloveswine

You need proper legal advice op! And speak to your health visitor/midwife about how you are feeling..did you point a knife at your partner?

Hope you get support and your premature daughter if doing ok!

Hi thank you for the advice and kind words. I will do. I definitely did not point because I held all the knife, fork, spoons, spatulas all both in my hands in one go. Literally picked them up from the drawer and held them in my hand for 10 secs, turned around to the box and put them down in there. He even approached me to take one knife out because i took his by mistake. If I threatened him, why would he be close to me and not stand somewhere really far from me. I wish someone was there to witness, it’s just his words against mine now. And it looks like his words won.

@Bogeyes

Leave him he is nuts

Yes you are right and I have tried that since the morning of yesterday but they didn’t think about that when they believe him over me. They think I just seek him out to put him in danger.

Your partner sounds horrible OP. I definitely wouldn't stay with someone who treated me like this.

Do you have somewhere to go?

Did you speak to the duty solicitor? How did things end with the police?

You need advice from a solicitor and to speak to Women's Aid.

@Snog

Your partner sounds horrible OP. I definitely wouldn't stay with someone who treated me like this.

Do you have somewhere to go?

Thank you for your message, I feel awful about the whole thing. It’s so belittling and humiliated. I am staying at a friends place at the moment. Thanks for asking

Ring your midwife... The one who did your home visits or appointments.. Confide in her he is abusive.....
Register your baby in your surname only. ASAP.

Op seek legal advice immediately. Also communicate with your midwife and Hv team. Do you need to speak to your GP about anything for support.

Sounds like a really tough time but you need to leave him.

@tornadosequins

Did you speak to the duty solicitor? How did things end with the police?

You need advice from a solicitor and to speak to Women's Aid.

Hi, thanks for your message. I did. But he only asked me very basic questions, we spoke two minutes on the phone and he said “ok, I’ll tell the officer you are ready for questions”, the police then asked me a few questions re my plan, what happened but not very details, more like a confirm of events. Then they asked what I wanted to do, and I said I want to see my baby and go to my friends house to rest. They then confirmed with the hospital then let me go from there. But said they may interview me on Thursday next week. At hospital I had to speak to two psychiatrists before given the clear to see baby, they then phoned my partner to ask for his opinions (whatever that is) but he didn’t want to talk as he was sleeping! So they decided to let me see baby anyway. I went to see baby, expressed some milk and got back to my friend to rest as I was so tired and stressed.

It’s a journey if an hour and a half from my friend to the hospital where as it was only half an hour before so I’ll be a lot more tired but I feel the nurses in hospital will judge if I don’t spend long time with baby and they record it. I’m just worried it will be used against me and they let him take full custody of her.

Is baby registered? Until she is he has no legal rights? You are not married. Register the baby and leave his name off

@Aprilwasverywet

Ring your midwife... The one who did your home visits or appointments.. Confide in her he is abusive..... Register your baby in your surname only. ASAP.

Hi, thank you for your message. I haven’t got a midwife visiting at home yet as baby is still in hospital but I have one who did my appointments so I will contact her. Yes I’ll register her in my name. I’m not allowed to go back to the house without an officer, admittedly I still feel so fresh of the wound, I just want to curl up in a ball at my friend and see my baby when not. I don’t want to go back to that house, talk to another police officer etc.

@HPmagic

Op seek legal advice immediately. Also communicate with your midwife and Hv team. Do you need to speak to your GP about anything for support.

Sounds like a really tough time but you need to leave him.

Hi, thanks for the message. I’m planning to speak to women’s aid. And yes will also speak to my midwife. I will speak to my gp anyway because the psychiatrists have already contacted them to ensure I’ll be stable and won’t harm me, baby or partner (so humiliated) and care for my mental health so they will do follow up at gp.

Yes you are right that’s what I was planning before he put me in cell.

@trevthecat

Is baby registered? Until she is he has no legal rights? You are not married. Register the baby and leave his name off

Hi thanks for your message. No baby is not registered yet. But I will do and yes without his name. Thank you again

You were in an abusive relationship and it ramped up when you were most vulnerable. The hospital doesn't believe anything, they are being directed by the Police and SS, who are following our child laws.

You have to paint the full picture. When they interview you, tell them that all you wanted to do was safely leave because of the breast pump incident showed you that you were being financially abused. You have the right to register your daughter. Make the appointment and do it, in your name.

The hospital does have to document when you come, they will be doing the same with your ex. As long as it's daily visits, it's fine. New mother's physical and emotional needs are taken into account.

See a solicitor. Tell them everything. Harassment might start and you need legal advice asap.

Go to the house with the Police and get your stuff. The Police is for both of your protection. Eat well and go for walks. You will get through this. He won't get residency if you tell people everything.

Did everything that happened in your update take place in the 16 minutes between your two posts?

@Sparklfairy

Did everything that happened in your update take place in the 16 minutes between your two posts?

Was just about to say the same thing!

@Sparklfairy

Did everything that happened in your update take place in the 16 minutes between your two posts?

Hi, answering both for your questions and Jennyfromculdesac’s.

I wrote the original post in the morning then decided not to post. So when all that police thing happened I didn’t have anyone I think would know these stuff and got really worried so decided to go ahead to post then with update.

@Sparklfairy

Did everything that happened in your update take place in the 16 minutes between your two posts?

Maybe OP meant 'bump' instead of update.

It doesn't matter.

Woman's Aid will be able to give you advice. Give them a ring.

Hi, stackemhigh

Thank you for understanding. Yes also to be cleared for people who help me with my situation, 16 mins in between posts because I was writing in between speaking to nurses, mental health team, then psychiatrist.

Maybe contact the premature baby charity Bliss also... they may be able to provide some support

@Ponoka7

You were in an abusive relationship and it ramped up when you were most vulnerable. The hospital doesn't believe anything, they are being directed by the Police and SS, who are following our child laws.

You have to paint the full picture. When they interview you, tell them that all you wanted to do was safely leave because of the breast pump incident showed you that you were being financially abused. You have the right to register your daughter. Make the appointment and do it, in your name.

The hospital does have to document when you come, they will be doing the same with your ex. As long as it's daily visits, it's fine. New mother's physical and emotional needs are taken into account.

See a solicitor. Tell them everything. Harassment might start and you need legal advice asap.

Go to the house with the Police and get your stuff. The Police is for both of your protection. Eat well and go for walks. You will get through this. He won't get residency if you tell people everything.

Hi, Thank you so much for your advice. It’s really helpful.

When you said the hospital doesn’t believe anything, does it mean they don’t believe me at all?

About breast pump, he kept saying it’s normal to ask to look at the price, because he wants to get involved and I was being difficult (I wasn’t, I said to him “do look and let me know what you decide”).

Thanks for telling about the hospital documented my visits and taking into account how I feel. It’s reassuring.

Yes I’ll see the solicitor. And will arrange visiting the house with the police officer.

Thank you again.

@QuestionableMouse

Woman's Aid will be able to give you advice. Give them a ring.

Hi thanks for your message. Yes I am planning to call them a bit later.