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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp constant whattsapp group messaging

35 replies

Funnyfishface · 07/06/2021 14:14

Aibu

My partner spends much of his time checking his phone. He is in numerous WhatsApp group messages. All sport mostly football related. It drives me mad.
He doesn’t really post on them but the constant reading the messages, watching videos that others have forwarded.
I have spoken to him about it. He doesn’t seem the harm in it.

He has now turned off the sound, but it still vibrates and goes on all through the night.

Anyone have any ideas.
I don’t want to be That Nagging Mrs - or moaning but it is upsetting me

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnyfishface · 07/06/2021 14:15

Just wanted to add I do not think he is cheating - it really is just sport

OP posts:
jellybeansforbreakfast · 07/06/2021 14:17

We have a rule - no phiones after 6pm, nor laptops either. It is REALLY nice to break the 'just looking' habit.

If it's important they will ring, so we don't really miss out on anything.

whitershadeofpale · 07/06/2021 14:19

Why is it upsetting you? I don’t get it at all unless he’s ignoring you to be on his phone all the time. Just ask him to put do not disturb on at night.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 07/06/2021 14:21

Because I think it’s rude, how can you have a conversation if he’s engrossed in his phone, reading messages from people he doesn’t even know in a group chat

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 07/06/2021 14:22

I put mine on do not disturb, at times. Always when going to bed. He should agree to that.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/06/2021 14:23

It seems bizarre not to have Do Not Disturb turned on at least overnight so it doesn’t wake anyone up... that’s pretty selfish.

But I’d find it pretty controlling if DH tried to tell me when I could use my phone. Both of us are in group chats, and sometimes they’re busier than others.

We’d probably have a chat if it was constant and if meant we didn’t get any time together, but I don’t think that’d happen unless something major was happening; to be honest...

Do you know why it bothers you? Do you have people to chat to? Do you feel it’s impacting on your time together?

All you can do is chat to him, and see what will work for you both.

someonesomewhere1 · 07/06/2021 14:25

I love a good WhatsApp banter group and see no issue here, but mine and DHs phones go on DND overnight.

BlueSurfer · 07/06/2021 14:25

Surely his social contact has been really limited over the last year and a bit so this is a good way to stay in touch with friends and a MH boost. Would you object if he was out at a friend’s house, the pub or playing football? Or if you were busy with your friends?

linerforlife · 07/06/2021 14:26

I have the same issue. He does have it on do not disturb at night but I often wake up in the night and he's just scrolling through the daily Mail or WhatsApp group chat!!! He has now turned his whatsapp notifications off but he still constantly checks and is often so engrossed in his phone he is oblivious to what is going on around him. A good example is I have just cooked us both some lunch, the baby started crying from her nap and needed resettling just as I was dishing up (standard eh?!), so I went up to resettle her leaving him to eat lunch. I come down and he's so engrossed in his phone he hasn't thought to cover my food to keep it warm and it had two flies walking across it! His only thought when I went upstairs was to immediately pick up his phone to WhatsApp!

LilMidge01 · 07/06/2021 14:27

I think having a cutoff is sensible and making sure phones are on silent overnight....but do you see at least some irony (appreciate itnmight not be the same level of activity) about making a post about it to strangers on MN and presumably checking the messages/notifications that will result from it?
At the very least, if you browse MN, you probably understand on some level the appeal of it for him...

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 07/06/2021 14:27

Yes it definitely is impacting on our time together.
But
I don’t want to be it any way controlling or commenting on when he can or can’t look at his phone.
I feel a bit left out
We both have group messages but the football one is constant. Voice messages as well as videos which he just plays. He’s not secretive . There’s just no let up

OP posts:
TubeOfSmarties · 07/06/2021 14:28

Could you ask him to mute that group?

youOKhunn · 07/06/2021 14:29

Do you have access to his phone? My dps phone was like this so I snuck (is that a word?) on it and muted all his chats for a year ... sneaky but it worked

SuperstoreFan · 07/06/2021 14:30

He should leave the groups as it's affecting your relationship.

Failing that he needs to at least mute them and start giving you more attention.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 07/06/2021 14:31

@youOKhunn

Do you have access to his phone? My dps phone was like this so I snuck (is that a word?) on it and muted all his chats for a year ... sneaky but it worked
Wow - that's both controlling and surely pointless as your DP would just go 'what's up with my group' then turn off mute, surely?
Original poster
Funnyfishface · 07/06/2021 14:31

That’s funny

No I wouldn’t go on his phone though

OP posts:
FeistySheep · 07/06/2021 14:32

Depends. DH and me do spend quite a bit of time on phones, sometimes (it varies). But as soon as I look at him/open my mouth to speak, he immediately puts the phone down and engages with me. i do the same. So I don't see the phones as different to a jigsaw/TV/book/crossword. If the phones were getting in the way of our communication etc, I'd feel differently about them. I'd want a rule like PP, something like 'after 6pm you only reply to actual messages or calls', rather than just random checking/scrolling/playing games etc.

But having the phone vibrating through the night is really out of order. He can put it on silent easily enough.

youOKhunn · 07/06/2021 14:34

@HoldontoOneMoreDay no he never chats in them ever and it's just ping ping ping all day long. Can't stand it! He still gets the messages and checks them but it's not pinging in my ear all day

idontlikealdi · 07/06/2021 14:35

Snap.
Drives me mad.

He tells the kids to get off their phones and he's on his. Not really an example.

youOKhunn · 07/06/2021 14:35

@Funnyfishface

That’s funny

No I wouldn’t go on his phone though

If he's constantly checking it surely he wouldn't mind muting the chats for you so you don't get the vibrate alerts. Not like he's going to miss anything important and he's still free to check it as and when. Maybe he will also use it less as a by product
Ostara212 · 07/06/2021 14:37

Even the noise of the vibration would wake me up at night.

Can't he at least leave the phone out of the bedroom?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2021 14:40

@jellybeansforbreakfast

We have a rule - no phiones after 6pm, nor laptops either. It is REALLY nice to break the 'just looking' habit.

If it's important they will ring, so we don't really miss out on anything.

So do you spend all evening every evening together after 6pm?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2021 14:41

@Funnyfishface

Because I think it’s rude, how can you have a conversation if he’s engrossed in his phone, reading messages from people he doesn’t even know in a group chat
So do you just expect him to be sat waiting and available to you for whenever you wish to strike up a conversation?
Weirdfan · 07/06/2021 14:47

I would tell him 'I feel like I'm in a relationship with half a person, you're so distracted it's like you're not really here a lot of the time and that's not enough for me. If you can't figure out a reasonable balance you will lose me', and I would mean it.

expatinspain · 07/06/2021 14:47

He should put it on DND overnight, that's just ridiculous. With the rest of it you have to really let him know how you feel. Maybe suggest times that you're both phone free. I think the whole evening after 6, like another poster suggested, is a bit much, but I'm sure there's a compromise to suit you both.