Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tinder match

34 replies

Leonardo87 · 07/06/2021 11:27

Hey guys - you will have read my previous post about awful situation end of last year with a Tinder match.

I worked on my self esteem and boundaries and have given it another shot.

I matched with a guy in April and we have been on seven dates since then with loads of texts in between. He came to mines on Saturday and I really did not want to have sex or be intimitate until we defined what we are looking for.

Essentially I brought it up last night - I just asked what his intentions are - is he looking for casual or relationship? He said 'he enjoys spending time with me but not sure what things would be like after a year, we just need to wait and see'. I explained my reason for asking was that I would not want to have sex casually so it was important for me he knew I was not looking for casual. I felt his response was a bit disappointing but at least he was honest.

I am 34 this week and really want my own family and to settle down.

Is this one a dud and do I move on?
I am just paranoid about 35-36/M on Tinder being after only one thing - and I am proud I have done nothing but smooches and cuddles so far.

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers21 · 07/06/2021 11:32

if you’re looking for something long term i wouldn’t be looking on tinder. i’d say that the majority of people that use it will only be looking for something casual. it sounds like you’ve invested too much time in this one already. seven dates without any discussion of what you’re both looking for is a lot.

Mamamamasaurus · 07/06/2021 11:33

I haven't seen your PP but AFAIK, Tinder IS for sex - I've never known anyone who ended up in a longterm relationship off the back of a Tinder match. I'm not saying it doesn't happen though.

Have you considered OLD instead?

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 07/06/2021 11:36

@sunshineandshowers21

if you’re looking for something long term i wouldn’t be looking on tinder. i’d say that the majority of people that use it will only be looking for something casual. it sounds like you’ve invested too much time in this one already. seven dates without any discussion of what you’re both looking for is a lot.
Agree - the fact he did not bring it up and I have had too after two months probably says it all Sad
OP posts:
SticksAndStoned · 07/06/2021 11:36

I'm not sure why you think we will have read your previous post.

Like others have said, tinder is known for hook ups. But I think his response is fair. I wouldn't be making serious noises about a relationship after 7 dates.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/06/2021 11:39

@Mamamamasaurus

I haven't seen your PP but AFAIK, Tinder IS for sex - I've never known anyone who ended up in a longterm relationship off the back of a Tinder match. I'm not saying it doesn't happen though.

Have you considered OLD instead?

My 2 best friends and I met our husbands on tinder! It isn’t just for sex

@Leonardo87 I’m afraid 7 dates in I’d know if it was something serious or at least want to be exclusive, he’s not making the right sounds and I’d sack him off tbh

BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 11:44

I know people who have married their tinder matches. It does happen.

Anyway, OP you've made yourself clear so maybe see what happens next. If he knows he won't be getting any until you're sure he is committed then if he still wants to meet up with you that's a good sign I think?

I wouldn't leave it until date 7 to discuss in future though. You don't want to go down the whole I want to get married and have kids talk but you do need to work out if they want a relationship or a shag buddy.

araiwa · 07/06/2021 11:51

Wouldn't you ask what they're looking for before meeting them?

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/06/2021 11:57

I probably wouldn’t be too keen to say anything committal to somebody before we’d had sex, to be fair. What if the sex eventually was rubbish? I think you’re being a bit unreasonable expecting to know what his intentions are with you after seven meetings and no sex yet - he probably doesn’t know, he might like a relationship generally but isn’t sure whether he wants one with you yet because you barely know each other.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 07/06/2021 11:57

@araiwa

Wouldn't you ask what they're looking for before meeting them?
To be honest I have found alot of them lie anyway about what they are looking for - they can say they want a relationship to speed up physical intimacy
OP posts:
Whyhello · 07/06/2021 11:58

I also know a couple of people who are in serious relationships with people they met on tinder, one of them married with children so it does happen. I do think the majority of men in particular are out for casual sex on there though. I think most people use the dating sites you pay for to meet people who are after something serious.

This guy doesn’t sound worthwhile. Guys know whether they’re really into someone or not fairly quickly and will make it obvious.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 07/06/2021 12:01

@Whyhello

I also know a couple of people who are in serious relationships with people they met on tinder, one of them married with children so it does happen. I do think the majority of men in particular are out for casual sex on there though. I think most people use the dating sites you pay for to meet people who are after something serious.

This guy doesn’t sound worthwhile. Guys know whether they’re really into someone or not fairly quickly and will make it obvious.

I agree - I just do not think he is that bothered.
OP posts:
LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 12:32

If you want a relationship try using something like Bumble where you can filter by relationship, casual , etc.

I used Tinder and it was a disaster. Went on Bumble and was much better, had some proper relationships with a couple of men.

Naimee87 · 07/06/2021 13:32

Same here, i know plenty of success stories from Tinder too. But i think its a bit of a 'find the diamond in the rough' task really. Someone posted on another thread something so simple but rang very true for me. That if a man is into you you'll know, if they confuse you then unfortunately they just aren't that into you. Not the case for everyone i'm sure but second-guessing and wondering are never the best feelings to have in the beginning. It should be excitement and all about finding time to see each other as often as you can.

Silhillian · 07/06/2021 13:41

I found it was mostly the same men on bumble as on tinder. It definitely isn't just for sex. Infact I often asked what men were looking for before even meeting up - if they say nothing serious it saves both people’s time. Some have on their profile that they’re looking to settle down.

My friend married her tinder match a few weeks ago.

Peace43 · 07/06/2021 13:48

I'd expect to be able to have a serious discussion about the future after 7 dates. I could have a serious discussion about the future without ANY dates.

I don't want to move out of my village (important to my kid to stay near family), I don't want more kids, I don't want to bring a guy in as a new Dad to my DD so he shouldn't expect to meet her for at least a year. I don't do "casual" so I'd expect exclusivity. In the distant future I'm un-sure about co-habiting / marriage. My ideal is to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with a guy who was firendly with my DD and free to enjoy free-time activities whenever DD is with her Dad (we have 60:40).

Assuming you can say the same about your future then I'd be having that chat after a couple of dates. If a guy wants more babies, a merged family and a marriage in 12 months time then he isn't for me and there is no point wasting both our time!

In this case I'd perhaps try the conversation again with this guy laying out my stall and asking what he wants. If he really won't have the conversation then I'd ditch him.

Hurr8cane84 · 07/06/2021 15:41

7 dates is pretty serious, I don't understand what you want him to say? Is it confirmation that you are exclusive? I don't understand the hang up about sex either, 7 dates is a lot of dates to go on without sex so he is clearly interested in you and wants to spend time with you. What more do you want exactly?

I am proud I have done nothing but smooches and cuddles so far

What is this supposed to mean? What is there to be proud about? It sounds like you have massive issues around relationships and sex, I'd actually suggest therapy because that is a strange thing to say.

I met my long term partner on Tinder too fyi. There's plenty of good men out there.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/06/2021 15:42

@sunshineandshowers21

if you’re looking for something long term i wouldn’t be looking on tinder. i’d say that the majority of people that use it will only be looking for something casual. it sounds like you’ve invested too much time in this one already. seven dates without any discussion of what you’re both looking for is a lot.
That's really not true Tinder is no worse or better than any other dating app
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/06/2021 15:43

@Mamamamasaurus

I haven't seen your PP but AFAIK, Tinder IS for sex - I've never known anyone who ended up in a longterm relationship off the back of a Tinder match. I'm not saying it doesn't happen though.

Have you considered OLD instead?

This isn't true There are actual hook up apps for hook ups. Tinder is a dating app.
PotassiumChloride · 07/06/2021 15:43

@sunshineandshowers21

if you’re looking for something long term i wouldn’t be looking on tinder. i’d say that the majority of people that use it will only be looking for something casual. it sounds like you’ve invested too much time in this one already. seven dates without any discussion of what you’re both looking for is a lot.
I know dozens of long term couples who met on Tinder, including me! We met on Tinder five years ago and are now married with a baby.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/06/2021 15:44

@SticksAndStoned

I'm not sure why you think we will have read your previous post.

Like others have said, tinder is known for hook ups. But I think his response is fair. I wouldn't be making serious noises about a relationship after 7 dates.

All dating apps are rife with men just looking for hook ups, many of whom will lie to achieve it. Tinder is no worse than any of the others.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/06/2021 15:45

I thought tinder was more geared towards casual/low commitment than people essentially looking for a husband

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/06/2021 15:45

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I thought tinder was more geared towards casual/low commitment than people essentially looking for a husband
Nope This is a line that people often repeat but it's really not the case. There are loads of sites and apps for actual hook ups, tinder is just a dating app
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/06/2021 15:46

Tbf though it's true that its maybe no worse that other apps/dating websites.

I think the reality is more men just want sex without commitment, and more women want long term, and the dating app universe amplifies that.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 07/06/2021 16:11

@Hurr8cane84

7 dates is pretty serious, I don't understand what you want him to say? Is it confirmation that you are exclusive? I don't understand the hang up about sex either, 7 dates is a lot of dates to go on without sex so he is clearly interested in you and wants to spend time with you. What more do you want exactly?

I am proud I have done nothing but smooches and cuddles so far

What is this supposed to mean? What is there to be proud about? It sounds like you have massive issues around relationships and sex, I'd actually suggest therapy because that is a strange thing to say.

I met my long term partner on Tinder too fyi. There's plenty of good men out there.

I get what you mean and I know what you are saying.

I am just looking for confirmation he is not wasting my time and playing me.

I have had alot of negative expierences with dating apps with the majority being the man only looking for sex and cohersing me into this with lies and manipulation.

I appreciate you pointing out going for therapy.

OP posts:
Ijustknowitstimetogo · 07/06/2021 16:25

You need to have a proper conversation with him. Yes he could lie. Or he might want to wait until after sex before he decides how serious he wants to get with you. He might be a player. Or he might not.

But yes, there is a risk you could have sex and then he might not want anything serious. This is a risk of dating and it is a risk for everyone. You can do some careful screening but nothing mitigates the risk completely.

I would say though if you’re getting some dodge vibes then trust your instincts.