To despair- these are the basics of parenting???

[cadburyegg]

H and I have been split 6 months now. We have 2 DS age 6 and 3. They go to his every other weekend for 2 nights. He also comes over sometimes in the evening during the week. This weekend was his turn to have them.

Obviously the weather has been glorious - I’ve had all of last week off work as it’s been half term and I’ve also managed to potty train DS2. So I’ve spent all week meticulously applying suncream to the DC as they’ve spent a lot of time in the garden. Several members of my family have had skin cancer and both children are quite fair especially DS2 so I’m hot on suncream. I sent suncream round with them on Friday and told H to apply every 2 hours when they were out.

Today they come home, not too red but a little, asked H if he had put any sun cream on them at all “no it wasn’t very sunny”

They were also in the same clothes today as they were in when I took them to his on Friday, their suitcases are full up with the unworn clothes. The clothes they were wearing were still a bit grubby from Friday. To make things worse they went to a party today.

Gave both kids a bath tonight and it was obvious that DS2’s bottom hadn’t been wiped properly. (sorry)

I just despair. Do I really have to tell him to put them in clean clothes (which I send with them), constantly remind about suncream and wipe the little one’s bum properly??? I feel like I have 3 children

YANBU. Lazy!

Did you do all the hands on parenting when you were together?

YANBU that is awful! So lazy and actually a bit neglectful.
What would he say if you brought it up?

The clothes thing I suppose you could let slide and the bum wiling might have been a once off?

Does he have form for this sort of thing?

They were in the same clothes the whole weekend ?

That’s really crap!! Did he do no parenting when you were together? Did he even take them out of their clothes for bed?

I see your point in some ways but on some points you sound a little obsessed with appearances - does it really matter that they went to a party in less than pristine clothes?

No suncream is not good - UV can be high even if a bit cloudy. But every two hours seems a bit OTT if it's factor 50 and 22 degrees (which was the case here in SE).

Bum wiping is basic stuff and YANBU to be annoyed about that.

YANBU. Each of these things by themselves could be explainable but all together says he’s not really bothering (or doesn’t even know it needs doing)

YABU.
Expecting suncream to be reapplied every 2 hours is OTT.
If we all wore our clothes more than once the planet would be far better for it. If the clothes aren’t filthy they don’t need changing.
OP, you need to pick your battles. The bottom needs cleaned properly. If it’s really hot suncream once will be fine unless they are wearing swimming trunks and on the beach all day.

Sun cream every 2 hours?? It’s rained where I live today and in many places near me, so maybe they weren’t even outside for some of the time.
Why does it matter if they didn’t have brand new clothes on for a party?

The bum wiping could’ve been an oversight as a one off. Did you raise these concerns with your ex ?

Oh and wrt the full suitcase of unworn clothes; how do you know he didn’t dress them in clothes for his house over the weekend and has returned them in “your” clothes?

I’d expect DH to apply sun cream once, not every two hours. I’d expect a change of clothes at least once in 2-3 days especially if they were already dirty. The bum wiping thing - that’s borderline neglectful and that is definitely the battle I’d pick out of the day three to make a strong point about. Poor kid must have a rash?!

Why is everyone assuming their father doesn’t have clothes for them at his house and had chosen not to dress them in mums clothes?
My cousin has his own clothes for his children, so their mum gets a full suitcase of unworn clothes back every Sunday night too.

Bum wiping - unacceptable.
Sunscreen - should have done it at the start of the day at least, but it rained all day here to be fair.
Clothes - I can't get worked up about. He should have some at his anyway.

It's negligence. They wore the same clothes for 3 days?!

Sun cream every 2 hours?? It’s rained where I live today and in many places near me

It's been scorching here today (NW England) if you didn't put sunscreen on in two hours, you'd be blistered to high heaven.

Scorching here too.

It IS negligent. There's a possibility he has clothes for them, and just returned them in the friday ones. But not having helped DC2 stay clean down there is appalling.

My DD1's father, grandfather and great grandmother took her out for a day trip as a baby, not a single one of them gave her a drink the entire time, apparently. I was livid. That side of her dad's family were all odd though.

Checkingout811

Yeah you can tell if clothes have been worn or not! If he had clothes for them he would tell her to Stop sending clothes as he has his own.

Suncream every 2 hours if you are in the UK is overkill. They NEED some sun!

No suncream at all is lazy, not bothering to change their clothes even more, unless they do have clothes there.

Bum not wiped properly, tricky. It could have been a more recent "issue:?

@ColaOlaLa I agree you can tell. I just meant don’t know that he doesn’t have clothes for them so there’s no way of knowing that the children have been in the same clothes for 3 days.

It is neglectful, OP. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. I am not a fan of ex’s; they do crap on purpose when it comes to children to get under your skin. As they’re so young, you are in for a long ride. I wouldn’t even raise it with him. Ignore his pettiness and rant to those who care about your well-being.

Those asking “what is wrong with wearing old clothes at a party?” It is manky and not a good look. I hate seeing children unkept and rough looking.

He should have clothes and all the stuff they need at their other house, don’t provide this for him, is there any court ordered access agreement yet? It’s no good saying like ‘but if I don’t send —— he won’t ——‘ it’s not your job, he’s neglecting his kids. Document it, dated photos, notes.

He is a lazy irresponsible man, I'd hand him his arse on a plate.

NHS advice is to reapply suncream every 2 hours when sunny. So for those taking the piss out of the OP, you're the ones with the problem and presumably neglecting your kids. Skin damage in early life can lead to skin cancer, particularly if fair skinned.

And yes they do need sun, but 20 mins gives the required vitamin d. People are really ignorant in this country about Sun safety

I'd buy a diary and just keep notes just in case this goes on and on or gets worse and you need to refer back

Thanks for replies so far. Interesting range of responses.

They weren’t in the same clothes all weekend, sorry if that was unclear. they were changed into pyjamas for bed as far as I can tell and it looks like they were in a clean outfit on Saturday. The kids’ clothes were a bit dirty on Friday so that’s why I was annoyed they were then put in the same clothes on Sunday when they had enough clean clothes in the suitcase. H doesn’t keep clothes at his house for them so I send them, which I don’t have a problem with doing. I wouldn’t pack a suitcase for them if he had clothes there.

I don’t agree that applying suncream once a day is acceptable, I got burnt last summer on a cloudy day because I didn’t reapply suncream often enough. I'm a redhead and prone to burning and the kids are fair too, especially DS2. But he didn’t apply suncream AT ALL, that’s what I was annoyed about. He took them out for the day on his weekend a few weeks ago and they came back sunburnt, so yes he does have form for this sort of thing. So I sent suncream with instructions this time. It’s lucky they aren’t burnt this time tbh. The party was outside and he also took them to the park in the morning.