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Original poster

To despair- these are the basics of parenting???

54 replies

cadburyegg · 06/06/2021 22:37

H and I have been split 6 months now. We have 2 DS age 6 and 3. They go to his every other weekend for 2 nights. He also comes over sometimes in the evening during the week. This weekend was his turn to have them.

Obviously the weather has been glorious - I’ve had all of last week off work as it’s been half term and I’ve also managed to potty train DS2. So I’ve spent all week meticulously applying suncream to the DC as they’ve spent a lot of time in the garden. Several members of my family have had skin cancer and both children are quite fair especially DS2 so I’m hot on suncream. I sent suncream round with them on Friday and told H to apply every 2 hours when they were out.

Today they come home, not too red but a little, asked H if he had put any sun cream on them at all “no it wasn’t very sunny”

They were also in the same clothes today as they were in when I took them to his on Friday, their suitcases are full up with the unworn clothes. The clothes they were wearing were still a bit grubby from Friday. To make things worse they went to a party today.

Gave both kids a bath tonight and it was obvious that DS2’s bottom hadn’t been wiped properly. (sorry)

I just despair. Do I really have to tell him to put them in clean clothes (which I send with them), constantly remind about suncream and wipe the little one’s bum properly??? I feel like I have 3 children

OP posts:
Whyhello · 07/06/2021 10:33

It’s neglect so way beyond laziness. He left them in the same clothes for 3 days so even forgetting the suncream issue, that in itself is neglect. I don’t think I could trust him alone with them again.

scully29 · 07/06/2021 10:40

Im surprised by the posts saying going to a party in clothes worn for 3 days is ok!

scully29 · 07/06/2021 10:42

Oh sorry now I see he did change their clothes in that time, sorry! Well that is different as they may have chosen their clothes for the party and chosen their favourites, that does make more sense! he may be going for independent choice to be fair?

MournfulTromboneNoise · 07/06/2021 10:44

@scully29

Im surprised by the posts saying going to a party in clothes worn for 3 days is ok!
It's only okay when a poor man, trying his best, does it.
SkodaKodiaq · 07/06/2021 10:49

@Ravenspeckingearly

YABU. Expecting suncream to be reapplied every 2 hours is OTT. If we all wore our clothes more than once the planet would be far better for it. If the clothes aren’t filthy they don’t need changing. OP, you need to pick your battles. The bottom needs cleaned properly. If it’s really hot suncream once will be fine unless they are wearing swimming trunks and on the beach all day.
3 days???? You're justifying children wearing the same clothes for THREE DAYS?!?!?!

Also, yes suncream absolutely SHOULD be reapplied every 2 hours and for children every HOUR!!!!

I hope you don't look after anyone's kids!

user1471538283 · 07/06/2021 10:50

It is basic parenting. I always had DS clean and in clean clothes at the start of each day. My DF did the same with me. He just cant be arsed.

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 10:52

Goodness, I can't imagine why you split up.

I don't have any advice but my God, you couldn't make it easier for him and he still can't do it? Of course these are basics.

LilMidge01 · 07/06/2021 10:52

I dont have children but when I babysit and look after children of a similar age for the day, I do better than your H...and he is the parent!! Tbh, that is shocking about bum and suncream. They shouldn't be less well cared for with a parent rather than a sitter or minder

Streamside · 07/06/2021 10:54

You need to raise all these really valid issues with him and keep a watchful eye from now on.Don't fall into the trap of parenting him, I've a friend who zipseals and labels each days outfits for her children when they're with their father.

SkodaKodiaq · 07/06/2021 10:54

@cadburyegg OP do you have a court order? If so, you can make a complaint to social services and he would be investigated independently for neglect. This would be reported back to court. Before anyone calls it OTT, unfortunately when the courts are involved it's the only way you can raise these kind of concerns, unless CAFCASS have been brought into it. Most Judges won't discuss these concerns during the hearing without professional reports.

If no court order, then I would personally refuse any contact until he can assure you that he will not neglect them! Then if he does it again, that would be it.

INeedNewShoes · 07/06/2021 10:57

I agree that the basics should be a given for any parent.

However, I think requesting sunscreen to be applied every 2 hours is OTT and he's more likely to think 'fuck that'. If you asked him to apply it twice a day, which should be easily sufficient if you send sunscreen designed to be applied once daily, perhaps he'd be more likely to do it.

HUCKMUCK · 07/06/2021 11:05

@Susannahmoody

It's negligence. They wore the same clothes for 3 days?!
The child had an unwiped bottom and was possibly in the sun with no suncream and you're outraged about clothes being worn for a pretty normal amount of time?!
DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 11:09

@INeedNewShoes

I agree that the basics should be a given for any parent.

However, I think requesting sunscreen to be applied every 2 hours is OTT and he's more likely to think 'fuck that'. If you asked him to apply it twice a day, which should be easily sufficient if you send sunscreen designed to be applied once daily, perhaps he'd be more likely to do it.

The NHS says: "It's also recommended to reapply sunscreen every 2 hours, as the sun can dry it off your skin."

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/sunscreen-and-sun-safety/

Many other reputable sources say every two hours as well, and after swimming.

The children are fair skinned.

It takes only a couple of minutes. It's not hard to do every two hours.

Feelingconfused2020 · 07/06/2021 11:12

YANBU. Did you ask him about it? I'd be teaching them to put their own sun cream on now. They have to at school anyway. I know it's a lot for a three year old but if you can't trust him you can't trust him. At least it might prompt them to remind him. Ask him if he has his own clothes he puts them in. Do they sleep in their clothes?

Onceuponatime1818 · 07/06/2021 11:17

We all applied sun cream day and sun twice as it was hot with high UV rays and my kids are dual heritage so have dark skin!

daisyjgrey · 07/06/2021 11:44

I had a similar situation, my step sons lived with me from 18m and 4 and the rare weekends they'd go to stay with their mum they would come back in the same clothes I'd sent them, including pants and socks, unworn clothes in the bag and they'd be filthy, no wash or bath between drop off and pick up. It's incredibly lazy and borderline neglectful.

Posieandpip · 07/06/2021 15:20

I think you've overreacted about the clothes and a bit about the sunscreen if it wasn't very sunny. I'd not apply my kids suncream every two hours. The bum wiping isn't great but could be an innocent mistake

FuckyouCovid21 · 07/06/2021 15:32

@Posieandpip

I think you've overreacted about the clothes and a bit about the sunscreen if it wasn't very sunny. I'd not apply my kids suncream every two hours. The bum wiping isn't great but could be an innocent mistake
How can not cleaning the kids arse properly be an innocent mistake?
Iquitit · 07/06/2021 15:37

I'm fair and I have to reapply sun cream every couple of hours if I don't want to burn, so their father needs to know the importance of that and make sure they're safe, sun burn hurts, as well as the other issues around sun exposure.
The bum wiping is not good either, that's basic care of a 3 year old who's just been potty trained, he's still learning.
The clothes I'm a bit torn on tbh, I sometimes just let my DD rag around in the same stuff all weekend, maybe even miss a bath one night if she wasn't particularly grubby, we weren't going anywhere etc, but yes for a party (or going out somewhere) then even a just a wash and change of clothes would be appropriate.
If he's anything like my ex it's less laziness and more kick back at me because I have asked something, he seemed to think anything I asked that was for DDs benefit was just me trying to piss him off 🙄.
It's unacceptable care and I don't think you're being U.

Lollypop4 · 07/06/2021 15:44

My DD is very fair and I cover her every 2 hrs inc her scalp (she has actually got mildly sunburnt wearing a hat before)
The clothing and wiping bottom is , Imo, also unacceptable.
I'd tell him , make a note of the above issues and hope he looks after your DC better next time

IntermittentParps · 07/06/2021 16:02

do you have a court order? If so, you can make a complaint to social services and he would be investigated independently for neglect… If no court order, then I would personally refuse any contact until he can assure you that he will not neglect them! Then if he does it again, that would be it.
I agree with this.
Of course you need to keep reapplying sunscreen Confused Adults do, never mind kids who are fair. Some of you need a word with yourselves.

GrumpyTerrier · 07/06/2021 16:18

Suncream every two hours in this heat is necessary-- as I found out when I got burned last week. It even says that on the bottle.

ScabbyHorse · 07/06/2021 16:34

Can you email him about all these points?

Matilda15 · 07/06/2021 17:05

YANBU and I sympathise completely. DS Dad was like this. I used to pack bottles of factor 50 and DS once came back from holiday with horrendously burnt shoulders I was so upset and all his Dad would say was he didn’t really like having it on and didn’t want to wear a Tshirt in the pool. He didn’t take him away again.
DS would sometimes come back in grubby clothes and with food around his face after his weekend there and I hated it.

It saddens me that people are saying any of this is ok. Men get away with far too much in these situations and the whole poor man doing his best thing really grinds my gears.

Babynames2 · 07/06/2021 17:23

YANBU OP. Particularly about the wiping and sunscreen. Is your 6 year old mature enough to prompt his dad? He shouldn’t have to I know, but at 6 may be old enough to understand sunny=sunscreen and can remind his dad. I’ve got really fair skin and burn easily so I completely get the worry over sunscreen and reapplying it.

Boots do a pretty good soltan ‘once’ sunscreen range which don’t need reapplying as often, I still reapply once/twice throughout the day if they’ve been in water but if you know he’s rubbish at remembering then at least you know that they’re covered. They also do UV detection stickers that teach children when they need to reapply sunscreen, maybe worth looking at to help your 6 year old remember and prompt his dad.

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