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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact with the children

34 replies

Feelletdown76 · 06/06/2021 22:29

AUBU to think this is wrong. my ex wife moved our children over 250 miles away and refuses to drive them even part way to visit me. She receives 2k a month, doesn’t work and has a large home courtesy of the U.K. legal system. I live with family and work 60h a week. I have driven 1k miles this weekend to see my kids

OP posts:
Nataliafalka · 06/06/2021 22:35

Of course it’s wrong but you’ll have lots of people on here telling you that you are wrong and it’s the least you can do. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re in this situation. Nobody who cares about their children having a relationship with their other parent moves their children 250 miles away and then refuses to facilitate the relationship. I say this working on the assumption that you are not a risk to your kids in which case what I said doesn’t stand

cheninblanc · 06/06/2021 22:36

It's wrong on many levels. I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you start court proceedings?

ColaOlaLa · 06/06/2021 22:41

Surely you can meet half way? Wouldn't they order that if you went to court?

Original poster
Feelletdown76 · 06/06/2021 22:47

I care about my kids more than anything hence the reason I am doing the journey but she absolutely will not drive a single mile to help the situation. Maybe court is the only way but I have no faith in the system as it seems to be very biased

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 06/06/2021 22:58

I understand your concerns about court. Have you been assessed by cms? Its the time you spend travelling should be with your children at home doing normal stuff. I've been both sides in court both for myself and my now husband they are less biased than you think

ColaOlaLa · 06/06/2021 23:14

I reckon court would order half way especially if she is the one that moved away

LittleOwl153 · 06/06/2021 23:16

When did your wife move? Time is of the essence to get it to court if you did not agree to the move.
Court an also insist on shared transport.

Cocopogo · 06/06/2021 23:17

Take her to court, she can’t just up sticks and go. They’ll order her to come back. However the comment about 2k and the system, hang on legal system? So you already went to court?

baileysisforme · 06/06/2021 23:19

What made her move so far

Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:22

I have worked in a related field, and I have never seen a court order that gave a non working spouse £2K a month a big house and left the working spouse having to live with family to afford that. NEVER.

I suspect there’s a fuckton of detail missing here.

Original poster
Feelletdown76 · 06/06/2021 23:23

Went to court 3 years ago and she received 75% equity and spousal maintenance on top of child maintenance. She eventually sold the house and moved away last year. I have had to live with family since the ruling do meet payments. She moved last year and when I approached cms gney increased her money as I now see the kids less.
The expenses are views gross and deducted from salary so work
Out about a 3rd of the true cost. I now have a choice either see my kids or go back to the office. I cannot finance both

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:26

Why did you approach CMS when she moved away? They are responsible for the calculation and collection of maintenance, nothing more.

Original poster
Feelletdown76 · 06/06/2021 23:31

Approached cms to get expenses taken into account. No ducky on of detail missing. This is exactly the case

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 23:35

You divorced 6 years ago, but have only lived with family for 4 years (assuming you have stayed another year after your post of almost exactly one year ago?).

So where did you Iive for the first 2 years?

I am very surprised (from experience) that a court ordered settlement would leave one party unable to afford to house themselves. Hence wondering what changed between 6 years ago and 4 years ago. That’s the sort of thing I mean by missing details.

If you had a significant change in income in that time, did you discuss a variation order on the SM with your solicitor?

Hankunamatata · 06/06/2021 23:39

Do you have the option to relocate for a few years to be near kids

tornadosequins · 06/06/2021 23:43

Why did the relationship end? Why did she move so far away from you? Why did the court make that order?

Nowhere near enough information to declare this situation is "wrong" . For all we know you could have abused them all causing her to flee and be given a settlement to redress the impact of financial abuse.

Pinetreesfall · 06/06/2021 23:44

@Cocopogo why would they order her to come back?
I moved 300 miles from my ex (to get away from DV) and I was never ordered to come back. Court ordered he did all the transport and paid for it all too. There is not always one simple rule.

Nat6999 · 06/06/2021 23:54

Court could order her to meet you half way for handover. How old are your children? Maybe once they are older they will be able to get the train. If you go to court you may be able to arrange more time during school holidays , how do you manage overnight acces with you not having your own home?

WhenPushComesToShove · 07/06/2021 00:05

A family member had a similar situation and went to court. The children's mother was told to meet halfway by order of the court and strict contact rules laid down. Without knowing all the details, it looks like you've got a lousy deal if you are unable to afford to live independently despite working 60 hours a week.

Mintjulia · 07/06/2021 00:09

My ex tells everyone that he has to do all the driving (170 miles per weekend), that I refuse to meet him halfway etc.

He fails to mention that I do 140 miles per week school run, plus swimming lessons. play dates, dentists, haircuts, parents evenings, carol concerts,sports days. There is usually another side to the story

Why did she move so far away? Why did the court make that award? What was their reasoning?

Dragonbreath8 · 07/06/2021 00:30

@Cocomarine

I have worked in a related field, and I have never seen a court order that gave a non working spouse £2K a month a big house and left the working spouse having to live with family to afford that. NEVER.

I suspect there’s a fuckton of detail missing here.

Absolutely this. Also, the CMS doesn't exist anymore. Seriously, jog on.
Original poster
Feelletdown76 · 07/06/2021 06:09

When we split I got a rented flat but had to give that up and move in with my sister. Let
Me be clear here, no abuse of any kind to anyone. She moved back closer to her parents but she wanted a big house and said she couldn’t get one newer where we lived. Looks like I need to approach court again.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 07/06/2021 06:18

If she lives 250 miles away why did you drive 1000 miles this weekend? 250 there and 250 back is 500 miles.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 06:24

@Feelletdown76

Approached cms to get expenses taken into account. No ducky on of detail missing. This is exactly the case
Just a word... If you felt crap before you came on here and write your first post, you'll feel ten times worse by the time you've had everything you say ripped to pieces and analysed, and called a liar. It'll be quite an eye opener, so strap yourself in and don your tin hat 👍
BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 06:27

She receives 2k a month, doesn’t work and has a large home courtesy of the U.K. legal system irrelevant really.

I would go court to get her to meet you half way. Or suggest mediation? Could you move nearer?