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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not easy for mothers of small children to commit to plans, AIBU?

42 replies

G45g23d · 06/06/2021 19:58

2 toddler DC, one is significantly disabled which means 'just get a baby sitter' is out of the question.

Their father works 5 nights per week.

I have one relative who helps once in a blue moon that I trust with DS, but she's unreliable and I can't commit to plans on the off chance that she'll turn up.

I find making plans to see a friend very stressful because in reality it's the kids dad has them or friend risks being stood up due to my relative letting me down for the 100th time

The kids dad's schedule doesn't fit in with my friends.

Kids coming with isn't an option.

AIBU to think it's really not easy for some mothers to commit to child free plans?

My friend is lovely but I get quite anxious when it comes to making plans because I can never guarantee it'll go without a glitch. There's usually always a panic about childcare.

AIBU to say it's just not easy for mothers of small children to commit to plans?

We don't all have a large extended family eager to help Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
G45g23d · 06/06/2021 19:58

Oops, copy and pasted twice.

OP posts:
gindreams · 06/06/2021 19:59

Can't she come over in the evening and you grab a takeaway as a treat

That's what I do with my friends who have kids and can't get a sitter or don't want to leave them

EverdeRose · 06/06/2021 20:00

Is there a reason why you can't take the kids with you or get your friend to come around to yours?

I agree that it sounds difficult.

lavenderandwisteria · 06/06/2021 20:00

That’s really hard for you. I wonder if during the day might be easier? I know it isn’t that simple. I really sympathise Flowers

wildseas · 06/06/2021 20:00

I’m a single parent so I feel your pain!!! Do the kids go to sleep relatively easily at night?
If so invite your friend to yours, cook a nice dinner, open a bottle and catch up. No stress!

Original poster
G45g23d · 06/06/2021 20:05

She doesn't want to come and sit at mine with the kids running about, the plans are always dinner and drinks child free (which is just what I need sometimes, but making it happen is difficult)

I wouldn't be able to take them with me for dinner either as my eldest just doesn't cope with restaurants or busy places.

The best option I have at my disposable is meeting her on a Monday / Tuesday / Thursday afternoon as that works ok for DC father, but she works FT herself and it's weekends that work for her.

We're due to meet this Friday to go shopping but it's looking like my flaky relative (my mum) might let me down, so I've had to have a chat with DC dad who's happy to miss out on a bit of sleep to help out, but he can't do that on a regular basis.

I look forward to getting out but dread the planning in equal measure Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
G45g23d · 06/06/2021 20:07

DC2 sleeps well but DC1 (who is disabled) sleeps terribly and night time is a nightmare.

He's up and down 10+ times and has meltdowns.

She doesn't have any small dependents and our friendship is very much adult focussed iykwim.

OP posts:
SpnBaby1967 · 06/06/2021 20:08

When mine were young my husband worked shifts (emergency services) and due to the nature of his job he was rarely able to finish on time, or would get called in on short notice so plan making was nigh on impossible and that's without a disabled child in the mix.

SpnBaby1967 · 06/06/2021 20:09

I did find I lost a few friends when I met DH and had the kids as I wasnt as available. They had every evening and weekends as their DH worked 9-5 mon-fri. But the ones who stuck around I know are true friends

LucindaJane · 06/06/2021 20:10

I think it's fine for you to try and meet with her child free on a weekend sometimes. But if she's your friend she should also try and meet you on your terms sometimes too.

EverdeRose · 06/06/2021 20:10

I rarely say this...
But I think your friend needs to compromise a little .

seepingweeping · 06/06/2021 20:11

It's so difficult. My husband works away and I have no childcare at all. My parents don't watch my kids and my in laws are not well enough to look after them.

Original poster
G45g23d · 06/06/2021 20:12

It's difficult isn't it.

I've been trying to commit to what I can since having the DC (age 3 and 2) but it's just not easy, can be very stressful and I don't think people who don't have these hurdles, appreciate just how much so.

There has been several occasions where we've been due to meet and I've had a last minute panic because my mum hasn't turned up and DC father has had to sacrifice his much needed sleep just so I don't let her down as it was planned weeks in advance.

It's not sustainable.

Unfortunately there won't be a time when taking the kids / having her here with the kids is an option as it's just not that type of friendship. It's very much dinner, drinks, shopping etc leisurely friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
G45g23d · 06/06/2021 20:15

Those of you in similar positions you have my sympathy.

I recently joined peanut to meet some other mums in a similar boat as I've found that people who are child free (her DC is an adult) don't quite appreciate how difficult it is.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 06/06/2021 20:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/06/2021 20:15

DH (Army) was away a lot when ours were little.
I either took them with me or I didn't go anywhere. PILs and my parents visited when they could and helped. But it wasn't regular. I joined a choir as they had a free crèche so o got adult time.

Luckily my friends understood.

PreservativeFree · 06/06/2021 20:20

Your situation does sound particularly difficult and TBH I think DH should be doing everything possible to find work that fits better with family life.

In the meantime, I'd have friends over for takeaway and a glass of wine. I've also done that when my friends had small children. I'm afraid I don't understand why a friend you'd have dinner out with couldn't/wouldn't come round for dinner, if that's what it takes to make it work

JeepersCreeping · 06/06/2021 20:30

I think the issue you're not addressing OP is that your life has changed, and the friendship dynamic that once worked for both of you, no longer works for one of you (you!) but you're the one doing all the compromise.

Your friend doesn't seem to offer ANY flexibility. I understand not wanting to have kids along every time, but she's basically demanding you act like pre kids, and on her schedule only.

Your stress is not something she's thinking of. Have you pointed it out and she didn't hear? Or did she hear and not care?

I didn't get out to proper child free pre baby night out for 2 years after DC and that's with a DH who works easier hours and is fully half the non-working hours support. Your friend doesn't sound like much of a keeper.

Sittingonabench · 06/06/2021 20:30

I’ve seen this from both sides and I think friends do appreciate how difficult it is but what can they do? It is difficult for them too, not wanting to pressure but trying to maintain a friendship and support you. In your situation yes it must be even harder without a support network etc. I think it’s just one of those things where you do what you can and try not to pressure yourself. Keep going.

partyatthepalace · 06/06/2021 20:34

It not easy, have you shared this w her, so she understands?

Dinner at yours sounds best option?

NameChange74567 · 06/06/2021 20:40

Yanbu. I have 3 DC, 6yo, 2yo, and 11mo and finding a babysitter is almost impossible. I know it's nice to get a break but if you can't get one would she really not visit you when you have your DC at home?

namechange30455 · 06/06/2021 20:47

If she won't come over to visit because it's so difficult for you to get out then she doesn't sound like a very good friend tbh.

Checkingout811 · 06/06/2021 20:55

I also have 2 toddlers and the eldest is disabled.
Does your DC go to nursery? My sons key worker has offered to babysit for us before, they have an amazing bond and she fully understands his needs as she looks after him 3 times a week on a 1-1 basis.
Would this be an option?

BorderlineHappy · 06/06/2021 20:58

Your relative is not the problem.
If you'lr dh works 5 nights a week that leaves you 2 nights
And I'd be thinking if your friend didn't at least compromise some of the time,she's not much of a friend.

Auntycorruption · 06/06/2021 20:59

YANBU for now. But you need to think about the long term. Is your DH job likely to change? Ever? If not then are you happy to never be able to make plans or go out? I don't think many people would be happy with that. So although you say a normal babysitter isn't an option, I would invest some time now in finding a specialist one who CAN cope with your children's additional needs. Then hopefully they will build a relationship with them and be available for you to get a break. Maybe try childcare.co.Uk? Many of the nannies on there advertise themselves are happy with SEN. In fact what I'm trying to say is you probably need to be looking for more of an ad hoc / part time nanny than a teenage babysitter.