It's not easy for mothers of small children to commit to plans, AIBU?

[G45g23d]

2 toddler DC, one is significantly disabled which means 'just get a baby sitter' is out of the question.

Their father works 5 nights per week.

I have one relative who helps once in a blue moon that I trust with DS, but she's unreliable and I can't commit to plans on the off chance that she'll turn up.

I find making plans to see a friend very stressful because in reality it's the kids dad has them or friend risks being stood up due to my relative letting me down for the 100th time

The kids dad's schedule doesn't fit in with my friends.

Kids coming with isn't an option.

AIBU to think it's really not easy for some mothers to commit to child free plans?

My friend is lovely but I get quite anxious when it comes to making plans because I can never guarantee it'll go without a glitch. There's usually always a panic about childcare.

AIBU to say it's just not easy for mothers of small children to commit to plans?

We don't all have a large extended family eager to help

Your friend needs to compromise and come over to yours.
But I can see why she does not want to book annual leave on Monday-Wednesday, most people do not get much annual leave.

Have you been honest with her OP? I have a friend who is very 'flakey', from my end it just seemed like she would be very enthusiastic, and then not be arsed last minute. I did ask many times if she would find doing something else better, if it would be easier to arrange stuff last minute instead, or just not meet for a bit and call when we can; she kept saying no no, which I understand as it can be hard to open up. We fizzled out a bit, but reconnected a few years later and she felt comfortable saying why she kept doing that, and although I respect her not saying as was her choice, I would have bent over backwards to help support her, and would have absolutely understood.

Not saying you need to tell friends obviously, but you might be surprised if you haven't at the support and understanding.

Thanks for the replies.

To be fair to her she does make the effort to come to my area (we don't live in the same place anymore) as if she didn't then we just wouldn't be able to meet as I couldn't possibly drag the kids on the train every few weeks.

But when she does come, she wants to have fun / drinks / have a good time like we used to before I had small DC.

It'll never be the type of friendship where she wants to come and sit at mine and have a takeaway, as she makes the effort to travel down she wants to actually go out and do things.

I can see it's difficult for her too as due to her work it's just not possible to pop down on a Monday afternoon or whatever.

I have spoken to her about how I find it stressful committing to plans in advance and how I worry that I'll end up letting her down at some point due to childcare.

She's very nice about it and her take is basically that we'll just have to risk it and that she'd understand if that ever happened.

..but then I'd still feel bad.

We used to have a blast before I had DC and are both obviously keen to maintain the friendship but I'm worried that the extent that my life has changed makes it too difficult.

Crossed posts.

I would like him to change to a day job yes, the problem is he doesn't want to take the pay cut that would come with it. He gets a premium working nights that makes a difference come pay day.

So your husband sleeps most of the day (you do all the leg work) and then he leaves late afternoon/early evening to work and then you do all the leg work overnight too?!

There's something very wrong with this set up. Do you depend on the extra money? Could he not split his shifts, a week of earlies and then a week of lates?

It's all very well for him to refuse but when do you get to have a life exactly?

YANBU OP but I think in your case it’s not so much being a mother of small children, so much as being a mother of small children, one of which is disabled, with a father who works nights and no reliable childcare.

I have a toddler, but he has no health issues, a fairly predictable routine, my DH works standard office hours and we have PIL who are always happy to have DS if we want to go out in the evening, so it’s less of a struggle.

I understand how it must be incredibly difficult for you though. If I were your friend knowing your circumstances I would be happy to see you in a way that’s easiest for you.

I'm glad people have picked up on the fact that his current work schedule isn't compatible for the kids / me having any semblance of a life of my own.

I have raised it many times and he talks of wanting to make the change but it never happens, the latest excuse is that he just can't risk his job by being fussy in the current climate.

The extra £ helps but nobody would starve without it.

It's as easy as you make it

@DeflatedGinDrinker

It's as easy as you make it

It's really not

I'm not pretending this is easy, but the fact that you have 2 little ones quite close in age, and one of them has additional needs added to the fact your dh is working 5 nights a week, makes it even more important to make sure you ring fence some time to do something for you.

Even is that is one evening a month, or even every other month with your friend. I get the impression that your dh is on a regular shift pattern, so you could easily arrange that on one of his nights when he isn't working. So you ABU to suggest you can't commit to plans, you can commit, just perhaps not as often, or as flexibly as you used to.

However, I also would second what @Auntycorruption said. It would make sense to try and find a babysitter who you could begin to trust your dc with. Even if it meant paying them to be there whilst you are also there at first, and for your dc to get to know them and for them to understand your dcs' needs. Not only for a night out with this friend, but for 101 possible other occasions when you might need or want an hour or two without your little one.

It isn't little kids op it's having a child with complex needs ime because it makes childcare so much harder. You literally can't just pay someone!!

When does their Dad have them? You said he works 5 nights so does he have them at his one of the other nights? Could he take them for the whole weekend if DC would cope? Maybe book a hotel somewhere or go up to your friend so you get a proper break?

I don’t understand why you can’t just arrange to see your friend on one of the evenings that DH doesn’t work? He works 5 nights a week so surely that leaves 2 evenings for you to see her

As a lone parent of kids with additional needs who has no family left I'd kill for a flaky relative and a DH tbh.

Your friend needs to compromise and your DH needs to also.

I put YABU because its not all families who have this problem. I have a baby and for me it’s not much of an issue, DH can take baby in the evening so I can go out. We will get a babysitter when she’s older so we can both go out together.
Your situation sounds difficult and I’m not surprised you find it hard to meet a friend, but it’s your specific situation not all people with young children.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

It's as easy as you make it

ODFOD. It absolutely isn’t.

I’m appalled by the poll results. Some people have no idea what it’s like having disabled children and no family support.

Your friend needs to understand this. Or she’s not really your friend.

Life just changes once you have kids. My kids are older and aren’t disabled but I don’t even have much spare time to go shopping with friends as I’m either working or dh is or kids have activities and I wouldn’t ask family to mind them for something like that.

How often are you expecting to go out for dinner and drinks? Every week? Couple of times a year?

I can't just plan something during the week when DC's father has a night off as her schedule doesn't allow for it, she works mon-fri and finishes late so can't make the trip during the week as she's working again the next day. It's weekends only unfortunately and not her fault.

I appreciate her making the effort to come down tbh as she's one of the only friends who has bothered to keep in touch after I moved further away, let alone come and visit.

With regards to how often we meet up, we try to do dinner or drinks once a month / every other month. Occasional shopping trips. It's not every week.

I really feel for those of you with even less support than I have. It's hard.