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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of seeing friend?

32 replies

nmechange23456 · 06/06/2021 18:57

Very special friend (I send her a mothers day card) and I have arranged to meet up in about four weeks for lunch (hoping and praying that covid doesn't stop us).

I love her to bits but I haven't seen her for two years ... I'm morbidly obese (although she's well aware of that) ... I'm agoraphobic and I'm terrified . I think to see her I'll need to travel a bit (about an hour on the bus) and I've not done that in well over two years, because I'm a useless person. I don't want to embarrass myself by being fat, having a panic attack and I keep thinking I should cancel.

I'm absolutely desperate to see her and give her a hug, and catch up on news etc, but dreadfully worried too - almost to the point that I feel like I should text her apologising in advance .

I'm being daft, aren't I?

OP posts:
icepackquestion · 06/06/2021 18:59

Considering all this, could she not come to your house?
Your putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do lots of things that are stressful for you all in one go.

Does she understand your anxieties?

Crowsandshivers · 06/06/2021 19:00

Anyway she could come to you if you explain how you are feeling? Sounds really hard for you

bonfireheart · 06/06/2021 19:00

Please tell her, and ask her if you can meet somewhere closer.

I am commuting to work this week for the first time in over a year and honestly can't stop stressing about it so one of my colleagues is meeting up with me for coffee!!

Real friends understand.

Josette77 · 06/06/2021 19:00

Oh sweet girl. You will be fine. Do not apologize for anything. Go. Be brave. She will be so happy to see you.🌼

icepackquestion · 06/06/2021 19:00

Also, you are not a useless person. Everyone is different and what is easy for you may be difficult for others.
We all have issues- even those that don't seem too

PinkiOcelot · 06/06/2021 19:01

You’re not a useless person!! You sound like a nice person to me.
I’m sure your friend is just as desperate to meet up with you too.
Are you going to manage getting the bus that far? Could you meet up closer.
I hope your meet up goes well. Good luck x

PurpleSunrise · 06/06/2021 19:03

Echo what others have said, do you think you could talk to her about this and ask if there’s any way you could see each other at yours this first time?

And you’re very brave for even considering trying to push through your fears on this, you’re not daft at all. (Though just on being overweight, people come in so many different shapes and sizes I wouldn’t give anyone a second glance to be honest!)

Cam2020 · 06/06/2021 19:13

Be kinder to yourself for a start. If a complete stranger had written this post and you read it, would you think they're useless? I bet you wouldn't. The way we talk to ourselves is appalling.

What do you think is realistically achievable for you right now, considering you haven't veen put in 2 years? Could you scale back the travelling? Just getting out under your circumstances is an achievement - don't bite off mare than you can chew and set yourself up for failure. It'll make it harder to try again. Small steps are best Flowers

Original poster
nmechange23456 · 06/06/2021 19:15

I'm thinking I need to try to travel; the last time we met she did drive up here but it was something like 120 miles she drove (60 up and 60 back) and I'd feel terrible expecting her to do that again; though I think she would do it - I know if I explained she'd be up here like a shot .

She does understand yes, though she doesn't know that I haven't travelled that distance at all - the last time I went out that far independently was December 2018 . I'm getting very good therapy now and I'm slowly contemplating doing more, I've travelled into local town in a taxi alone several times but the thought of jumping on a bus scares me. Mainly in case I have a panic attack and I'm alone and can't cope - though therapist is trying to teach me coping skills now .

I think I'm more scared covid is going to cancel the whole thing tbh, I've not seen a single friend in all this time - it would be awful that covid would scupper it.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 06/06/2021 19:30

Please explain to her and ask her to come to you. Maybe you and her could then go for a short trip somewhere on the bus together to build you up with some support?

M0rT · 06/06/2021 19:36

Honestly if she's a comfortable driver I don't think she will mind coming to you at all!
You could go out from your home with her or even meet her in your local town if you want to practice getting out.
I'm driving that distance to visit someone for lunch tomorrow and haven't considered it a big deal at all.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/06/2021 19:48

OP - I bet your friend is dying for that hug just as much as you are. If you’re close enough for you to send her a Mother’s Day card, she honestly doesn’t care that you’ve put on a few pounds. She sounds like she cares a great deal about you. Good luck SmileFlowers

Cinnamon35 · 06/06/2021 20:00

If you think you can do it then I think you should, keep discussing it with your therapist and practicing strategies.

Could you do a practice run in the mean time? Maybe just get the bus a couple of stops to a quiet park and then go home again?

JustCallMeJulia · 06/06/2021 20:06

Offer a nice meal at yours. Instead of meeting out and buying lunches and drinks etc. She might be quite pleased to be invited.

It's more comfortable sitting on a sofa or in a nice garden. More relaxed.

How long would the journey take? There's a difference between 60m in and around large cities, traffic likely areas and clear rural roads, or motorway. As long as she can do it in an hour or so?

Original poster
nmechange23456 · 06/06/2021 21:16

It’s about an hours drive five or take . There’s a gorgeous cafe not far from me that we went to last time, which was lovely and quiet - might suggest that again as she said she loves that place . I’d feel horrendously guilty for her driving all that way but maybe she’d not mind, I suppose all I can do is email and say, I’m a bit scared of taking the bus and see what she says back .

I’m doing the exact same journey tomorrow, but with my mum - so that’s probably cheating a bit!

I do feel useless, frequently - therapist keeps telling me I’m not and asks me to write down all the positive things people say; which isn’t easy but am building up a list to turn back to when things are difficult .

OP posts:
PurpleBiro21 · 06/06/2021 21:26

I’d do the drive for one of my friends.

I do long drives for friends any when necessary as do they.

Flowers
heidbuttsupper · 06/06/2021 21:31

You sound lovely op. I'm sure your friend won't mind driving to see you. Stop being so hard on yourself Thanks

1Morewineplease · 06/06/2021 21:38

Please tell your friend how you're feeling. She'll understand and will probably not give it a moment's thought about coming to see you.

You're not being daft but you are obviously anxious about this.
Maybe, when you feel able to, open up to your GP about how you're feeling, generally, about yourself. Some counselling could put you on the right path to recovery about your feelings.

Hope you and your friend meet soon, have that much needed hug and have a much needed catch up.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 06/06/2021 21:39

@nmechange23456 firstly you are far from useless!!!!!!! When my depression and anxiety is really bad it causes agoraphobia so you have my deepest sympathy. However, you have said you can go out with your mum which is massive and you should be so very proud of yourself!!!! That is an amazing achievement.

If this lady is a true friend, then talk to her, she will understand. Take baby steps, meet close by to start and in time try a bit further afield.

Good luck OP and be proud of yourself!!!

Original poster
nmechange23456 · 06/06/2021 22:29

Thank you Flowers

Feeling a bit tearful and low tonight for some reason and a bit down on everything - this has helped to put that side of things , at least, in perspective a bit, thanks . Hopefully she’ll understand when I explain how worried I am .

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/06/2021 18:58

Hi @nmechange23456 how are you feeling today?

Original poster
nmechange23456 · 07/06/2021 23:25

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Hi *@nmechange23456* how are you feeling today?
Not too too bad thanks; have therapy appointment tomorrow morning and don’t think that’s going to be an easy chat sadly ! But OK apart from that ... haven’t spoken to friend yet but will do . Did manage bus in to town today with Mum to see dentist. Chickened out on way home and got a taxi though (bloody fortune) ...
OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 07/06/2021 23:37

You sound like a lovely person. Be nice to yourself Flowers and best wishes for your therapy tomorrow.

Use my mantra if it helps.
I can do this.

Beckxx · 07/06/2021 23:42

♥️

Terminallysleepdeprived · 08/06/2021 22:28

@nmechange23456 keep taking baby steps, life isn't a race. Do thinks at a pace you are comfy with. Any real friend will understand if offered an explanation (and often even without one) and if they don't then they really aren't a friend.

Be proud of each little step, getting a taxi rather than the bus isn't chickening out. It is recognising that getting the bus into town was a good step forward, but one that took a lot out of you and your body and mind was not ready to repeat. The taxi was a step towards being kind to yourself.

Next time you may manage the bus home, or you might decide that you are still not ready and get a taxi or a friend to give you a lift. Neither is a bad choice. In fact they are an excellent choice to protect your mental health and well being.