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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help

64 replies

Applequeen24 · 06/06/2021 18:47

At what age do you start telling the kids that to wash your hands is very important, especially when there is a new baby about?
The thing is my partner has his daughter every other weekend coming around. I have just had a baby and I mentioned that she needs to wash her hands, especially with COVID around. My partner called me a bitch in from of the child for saying that. I have to mention that she has very long and dirty nails as well and when I mentioned that they need cutting I was told off because she is very tactile. Today again I have set him off because he used my hairbrush to brush her hair without asking for my permission even though his mum mentioned she thinks she had lice. Also, she doesn’t flush the toilet after using it nor does she washes her hands.
Every single time I mention something like this I get told off and made to feel like a bitch.

OP posts:
MissCruellaDeVil · 06/06/2021 19:07

That's fucking disgusting, are you sure you want to be with this man? My children are younger and wash their hands independently, flush the toilet and put their clothes in their laundry baskets (mostly) for me to collect and wash.

AdaColeman · 06/06/2021 19:08

What ever you do, don't use that hairbrush!

Watchingthetelly · 06/06/2021 19:09

Sorry but the hand washing is the least of the issues here... He called you a bitch!! What an aggressive and disrespectful thing to do. That's not ok in my book OP, I wouldn't put up with that.

GreenLeafTurnip · 06/06/2021 19:09

Why did you have a child with a man who can look after the one he already has?? And in answer to your question I'm teaching my 2 year old how important hygiene is. So at 8 years old he will definitely know.

Imapotato · 06/06/2021 19:13

He sounds like an arse tbh.

There are things you can do. Remind her to wash her hands after she’s used the loo. Maybe offer to paint her nails and then see if she’ll let you trim them first. Get her her own hair brush for your house so her dad won’t have to use yours etc.

It’s tricky when they’re not yours, but I don’t think that encouraging hygiene when she is staying with you is over stepping the mark. Him calling a bitch in front of a child however is totally unacceptable. I’d be thinking seriously if this man is someone you want to be with.

Merryoldgoat · 06/06/2021 19:14

There is nothing wrong with teaching young children about personal hygiene.

It sounds like your SD is being neglected/badly treated by both parents.

Why has her mother not treated her head lice? Why hasn’t her dad? Why haven’t you?

Why on earth did you have a child with this obviously awful man?

AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 19:15

Dear God, why did you have a baby with him?

Not the point I know, but why can't you cut her nails now when you used to?

DeathStare · 06/06/2021 19:33

So he calls you a bitch and his 8 year old daughter a spoiled brat, and refuses to take any responsibility for his daughter's hygiene. And you want to raise your baby with this man, why?

ThursdayWeld · 06/06/2021 19:35

My partner called me a bitch in from of the child

You've got a DP problem, not a DSD problem.

BarbaraofSeville · 06/06/2021 19:38

On the hand washing age thing, surely they should learn this before they go to school, so 4 ish?

But it sounds like there are bigger issues here Sad.

DrManhattan · 06/06/2021 19:43

Do yourself a favour and get out of that situation

HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 19:48

Well calling you a bitch is absolutely unacceptable and terrible parenting in front of his DD (he's setting her up to be treated the same way).

The personal hygiene issues for your poor dad should just be handled sensitively. If she goes to the loo and doesn't flush or wash her hands just kindly send her back to do so. If her nails are long and dirty have some nice bonding time showing her how to cut them herself, maybe you could include a little manicure - if you make self care fun she's more likely to do it consistently.

PixieDust28 · 06/06/2021 20:01

Well my child is 23 months and if I say let's go wash our hands when we get in or before dinner he goes to the sink ready to wash his hands. So I'm sure an 8 year old is capable or washing her hands.

He's vile. Of course he has issues with his ex. He sounds like a fucking delight.

Original poster
Applequeen24 · 06/06/2021 20:09

The daughter is allowed to do whatever she wants at home and the mum doesn’t even have a say in what she is wearing so my partner won’t argue because he doesn’t want trouble and I am guessing he is scared he might not see her again if she gets upset.
Dunno. I can’t do more at the moment because of the baby. That’s my focus , especially when she is around as she got jealous and said to her mum that daddy is not paying as much attention to her and I was given the impression that it is not my job so I should not interfere.
I am a moron

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 06/06/2021 20:16

If you want to stay with him, and DSD is jealous of baby, do you think "D"P would be willing to take DSD out more, just the two of them?

TBH though the whole thing sounds really untenable. What he says about his ex is a huge red flag for a starter...

And no you're not a moron but you do need to start thinking if living with the arguing and verbal abuse is good for you and your baby.

Original poster
Applequeen24 · 06/06/2021 20:17

There are a lot of other things going on as well. I am not a perfect person either and I might be suffering from PND and I feel like I haven’t had much support and this was just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 06/06/2021 20:20

You're focusing on the wrong issue. Focus on the appalling way your partner treats you.

HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 20:20

Your priority should be getting rid of this awful man.

BunnyRuddington · 06/06/2021 20:24

There are a lot of other things going on as well. I am not a perfect person either and I might be suffering from PND and I feel like I haven’t had much support and this was just the tip of the iceberg.

Speak to your HV tomorrow, please. Tell her you think you have PND. Tell her he calls you a bitch in front of your LO and DSD. Ask her for help.

This isn't your fault. The man is awful and you will be much better without him.

catfunk · 06/06/2021 20:28

Perhaps you could reframe it as concern for her well-being and health/hygiene rather than concern for baby.

BunnyRuddington · 06/06/2021 20:29

Please have a read of this from Women's Aid as well. I've seen at least 2 questions that you could answer yes to, just from your posts on this thread Thanks

Hilarias · 06/06/2021 20:31

My almost 3 year old knows to wash his hands the moment he comes home from outside and after using his potty. No excuse for an 8 year old not to know how to, or how to flush a toilet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 20:38

Please leave him ASAP. Don’t stay with anyone who calls you a bitch. He’s a shit dad to his DD, he doesn’t care about the baby, he’s abusive to you.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 06/06/2021 20:41

@Watchingthetelly

Sorry but the hand washing is the least of the issues here... He called you a bitch!! What an aggressive and disrespectful thing to do. That's not ok in my book OP, I wouldn't put up with that.
Exactly! I mean, WTAF?!

I'd be making my escape plans.

Your children will be scarred by this toxic relationship you have with your P

FTEngineerM · 06/06/2021 20:44

No, you’re not wrong in what you’re saying about hygiene. Of course the little girl should be clean and looked after, it’s sa that he does/won’t.

But that’s not really the point here, you and your baby are important, well done for protecting your baby when he’s such an absolute amoeba.

Please do as PPs say and tell the HV everything, they will be able to help. Or GP or women’s aid.

Don’t live like this.