To feel that this has dredged up some feelings I thought I had dealt with

[NotAnEagerBeaver]

It was a friends big birthday recently, and I was genuinely happy for her. Lots of FB posts about how much her family, specifically her mum, love her and how precious she is, photos of her as a baby, toddler etc - just as it should be, because she is, and I am genuinely happy for her.

My own childhood was not good. My mum didn't love me, in fact she was very abusive, in all definitions of that word. Never told me she loved me, constantly
told me the opposite in fact, was never proud of me. There are no photos of me as a baby or a toddler that I have ever seen. No special birthdays celebrated. You get the picture.

I've had decades of depression, months of therapy, and I have fought hard and dragged myself out of the spiral her treatment put me in. And I am probably as happy as I will ever be, and as sane or adjusted.

But, seeing just how much my friend is loved by her mum (and she should be, and I would genuinely wish that for everyone) has reinforced to me, and reminded me just how much I wasn't. Which has resurfaced some feelings that I thought I had dealt with. I suspect this is pretty normal for people who have been through what I have, but I am shocked and disappointed in myself still. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I haven't told anyone that I feel this way, and I never would. I would not hurt someone like that.

Being ‘shocked and disappointed’ in yourself is likely part of the damage that your mother did to you-seeing its opposite has hooked up all those feelings of self hatred that the young you developed as a response to the abuse. Be kind to the young you: you ARE ok, despite your mother’s attempts to tell you aren’t/weren’t. The ‘adult you’ can now try and reach back and offer ‘little you’ the kindness and compassion she needs and deserves. The fact you can recognise the ‘hooks’ and the pain is a good sign, ironically-it shows there’s a part of you in the present which CAN feel Ok and can begin to comfort and compensate. Is it possible to just have a session or two with your previous therapist to ‘touch base’ with the progress that you’ve made before?

You are being so hard on yourself. It’s human nature for these feelings and experiences to resurface when something does everything to remind you of them - please don’t beat yourself up at how you feel. Acknowledge that it’s nothing to do with your friend and there’s not a lot you can do about your ‘mum’ . Be kind to yourself OP. Nothing to be disappointed about 💐

Oh OP that's really sad.I can feel your sadness throufhbyiur words.You sound lovely and sensitive to your friend's feelings.I'm sorry you went through this.
You are not being at all unreasonable, it's natural to compare and indeed feel like this.
I wish you happiness 💐

"Through your" sorry typos

You are not being at all unreasonable to feel like this!
The initial lift of successful therapy can sometimes leave you feeling like you've been 'fixed', and if you go back to feeling like you did before it's somehow a failing on your part. But that's not how it is.
I've been through exactly the same as you, it isn't easy and it will always be part of you. I needed to grieve for what I should have had in my childhood but didn't get, and that took a long time.
Good luck.

I think you will find these thoughts will resurface from time to time as there are lots of occasions when most people might reflect on their own childhoods when faced with what looks perfect in other peoples experiences, even people with average childhoods and relationships do this. You will have to develop a way of acknowledging it and moving on again . You've not failed, nothing to be disappointed about in yourself. It will be part of the process I think. It sounds like you've worked so hard, dint let this knock you back.

Your feelings are perfectly natural and understandable.

YABU to be so hard on yourself!

I get ypu. I sometimes struggle to understand the cocept of n easy mother daughter relationship and it has such an impact. A book i found help me feel less alone in this was called the daughter detox

You are being far too hard on yourself.
I'm sure your therapist (if you still had them, which btw you could go back for a quick refresher session to discuss this) would tell you that after your initial surge of feeling that you've dealt with this, there will be times in your life, like your friends big 40th, that it rears its ugly head again. But you are better placed now to dispel such thoughts, deal with them.

OP your feelings are totally normal and to be expected. You're not even begrudging your friend her lovely mum (which would be easy to do) it's just bring up difficult feelings. Almost anyone will feel the same if they've been through grief or trauma.

I want to send you a very big hug

Agree with above, YANBU.

Perfectly normal.

Just because you have therapy does NOT mean those feelngs of hurt are banished forever.

I don't believe people who had an unhappy childhood ever fully get to a place that isn't tinged with regret.

Perfectly normal.

You sound like a very strong, special woman, whom despite a very tough upbringing has survived well.

Spend a bit of time applauding your successes.
Sounds like you have many.

I know how you feel op. My situation right now is pretty disgusting in that I’m actually envying my friend mourning the anniversary of her mother’s death. She’s been distraught all week but all I keep thinking is I wish I’d had someone to love so much to feel like that. I was abused by both my parents and one of my siblings to the point that if I found out that they’d died today I’d throw a party.

Oh bless you OP, my heart goes out to you. You are not being unreasonable at all!! Your feeling are completely valid and understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself 🌸

I can relate to this OP. Always felt disappointed whenever those old feelings cropped back up after feeling like I had dealt with them. I was desperate to ‘let them go’.
Overtime, I’ve begun to accept they may always be there, waiting to be triggered. But I make a point to consider the blessings I have right now, in the present moment and that definitely helps.
Try to be more patient with yourself, easier said than done I know. But having unrealistic expectations of yourself is counterproductive

Thank you all for your very generous and understanding replies. They have really helped me. And I am truly, truly sorry for anyone else who has replied who has experienced this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

What sort of dick would put yabu on this.

I'm sorry you have had such a bad time of it op. This sort of stuff can really fuck you up. Can you get some therapy? EMDR might help.

It’s grief isn’t it? With any loss, it doesn’t go away and sometimes it will bother you more than other times.
It’s not a failure it doesn’t even have to mean you haven’t dealt with it, you aren’t a robot. Something hurts and you feel hurt about it sounds like you are adjusted and owning those feelings. Beating yourself up for it, perhaps not but healing is life long, it’s a journey with ups and downs.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Hug that inner child close and let yourself grieve what you didn’t get to have. It’s ok.

It is grief, you are right. It's not a grief many people understand though. People often think it's over and no longer impacts. But they are so very wrong.

Sorry you feel like this. But why AIYBU? This is not an AIBU question.

I’m the same , never really had a childhood . Every type of abuse . I have found all the ‘me too ‘ media coverage and articles about domestic abuse extremely difficult to bear this past 2/3 years . No therapy available locally due to covid .
It is very sad to read that others have lived through such damaging early years too ... but in a way good as I know I’m not the only one . I used to think I must have been a very bad person in a previous life. Now I understand that horrific physical, mental and sexual abuse is criminal. Feelings of loss don’t change though

OP your feelings are very natural and I’m sorry the resurgence has left you feeling vulnerable . It is OK to feel grief about your past . My childhood was similar and I find that these feelings catch me unawares even now at the age of 50

Sorry you feel like this. But why AIYBU? This is not an AIBU question

I feel unreasonable for feeling this way, so yes, for me it is.

A lot of people in your situation would feel jealous of a friend who had such an adoring mother and that jealousy would lead them to act out in a variety of terrible even vengeful ways.

The fact that you have the emotional intelligence to reflect, so as not cause yourself and others more harm despite the hurt you have lived through yourself, is laudable.