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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overthinking or doesn't he care?

63 replies

CabinCrew · 06/06/2021 04:41

Last week I became really unwell with the flu, had to leave work as I had got all dizzy and lightheaded and sweaty, then got home and slept. Had a high temperature, couldn't sleep all night from the pain in my ears and throat and was figiting and moaning all night between bouts of sleep and cold sweats. The following day my husband come home from work and I asked him if he could get me some ibuprofen, he said we didn't have any and said he would go back out (he had just done a food shop on his way home), I said I didn't want to put him out so he didn't go. Later on I was moaning in pain and he shouted what can he do to help, as if I was annoying him (probably was, I was annoying myself but I couldn't help it was in agony) I said I needed something stronger for the pain and he started an argument with me saying why didn't I tell him earlier etc etc. He came back and apologise whilst I lay crying from the pain and the inconvenience I had caused him...

When I got better I mentioned that it really hurt me how he reacted,. I feel like he doesn't care about me. He went into a supermarket and didn't once think I may need something for my illness - for me that would be second nature, my first priority. He told me I was overthinking again.

Just to add we've had this same arguement in the past, he does things without a passing thought of my thoughts or feelings to the matter, I stopped mentioning it and just accepted it but when I needed someone to care for and look after me it really hurt and genuinely believe he does not care for me.

Aibu to think this?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/06/2021 09:28

You're the one who's ill so it's not putting him out to ask him to get something to help you out. The martyr bit comes from you not doing that

HerMammy · 06/06/2021 09:33

would have also come back and been with him not sat on my phone as he did
Are you expecting him to sit and mop your fevered brow?
You’re a nurse and you’re this dramatic and unprepared for being unwell? 🙄

Ughmaybenot · 06/06/2021 09:36

@suspiria777

Agree with PP. He offered, instantly, to go back out to get you painkillers, and you told him not to! If you did that it suggests you weren't in too much pain so i can imagine it seeming quite dramatic and exaggerated that you later were moaning in pain, a bit histrionic and am-dram.

I think you're definitely making too much of this.

This, sorry. I’d have been irritated too, altho possibly wouldn’t have reacted quite as he did. It sounds as tho he apologised very soon after tho. Let this go, it’s not worth it.
HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 09:36

I think it's a bit different if he went straight to asking angrily about the ibuprofen, obviously that makes you more likely to tell him not to bother. It does sound like he's been a bit mean when you're feeling terrible. Is he a bit of a man child?

americanBD · 06/06/2021 09:36

You are overreacting. You should have just communicated with him that you needed him to go back out and get the medication. I would have been annoyed too, especially hearing the moaning etc, It would have been less hassle for your husband to go back out straight away and then settle for the evening instead of having to go out later on.

MaMaD1990 · 06/06/2021 09:43

I can't really get on board with this OP. He's offered to go to the shops to get you pain medication, and you've (basically) said no. Funny how the YABU comments are coming through, suddenly he was being aggressive towards you and that's why you decided to power through the pain...and as for laying on the bed crying that you'd inconvenienced him Hmm come on - it's dramatic and a little ridiculous.

Babynames2 · 06/06/2021 09:45

Why would you expect him to sit with you? You aren’t a child and aren’t seriously unwell, it’s all quite overdramatic. I would have just asked DH to go and get some when he first offered, annoyed or not. And as for him knowing to bring you some back, presumably he isn’t psychic OP and therefore didn’t know what you would need.

Squiggy · 06/06/2021 09:46

Unfortunately everyone is going to say YABU because you didn’t give a full picture at the start.

If you didn’t know he was going to the shops and the first opportunity you had to ask him for painkillers he was angry at you for being ill that is a whole different picture than what you presented in your first post.

Either way I don’t think the responses here will help you as your first and second post are so very different.

MichelleScarn · 06/06/2021 09:49

@HerMammy

would have also come back and been with him not sat on my phone as he did Are you expecting him to sit and mop your fevered brow? You’re a nurse and you’re this dramatic and unprepared for being unwell? 🙄
Why would you need him to sit with you?!
ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 09:51

Just having ibuprofen in the house doesn’t mean you have to take it?

He offered, you said no. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oneandanotherone · 06/06/2021 09:51

I would have expected a text to ask if I needed anything when he went shopping.

Everything else YABU.

Oneandanotherone · 06/06/2021 09:53

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

Just having ibuprofen in the house doesn’t mean you have to take it?

He offered, you said no. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly, it’s not like a delicious cake that’s going to tempt you 😂
Shitfuckcommaetc · 06/06/2021 09:54

So you'd been thrashing around the night before, in pain all day, and didn't think to just give him a quick text asking him to pick up some ibuprofen on the way home?

Why was he even at work anyway? You had a temperature? He should have been isolating until you'd had a negative covid test. Which as a nurse you should well know!

LilMidge01 · 06/06/2021 09:54

@Bagelsandbrie

He offered to go and get you some?

Why don’t you have regular painkillers in the house all the time for emergencies? I’m always surprised people don’t have some sort of first aid / medical box but anyway….

I think he just sounds irritated but he’s human. He probably thought he didn’t need to go out again when you’d already told him you didn’t want anything.

Medicine has expiry dates. I use painkillers do rarely it would be pointless to keep them in the house. Plasters and other first aid, sure. But not painkillers
ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 09:55

A packet of ibuprofen is pennies!

I check mine every few months and Chuck if it’s out of date. Except for my tub of vicks. It went out of date in 2015 and I still use it 😂😂

user1493494961 · 06/06/2021 10:02

You do sound a bit of a drama llama with all the moaning in pain business.

toodleloooo · 06/06/2021 10:06

Sorry you're feeling so rotten, OP. I think maybe this is something to think about/come back to with your DH when you're feeling better as it sounds like it's a more general issue of him not being that thoughtful/proactive.

I sympathise a lot there - it feels quite disappointing to have to tell someone how you'd expect them to look out for you. But equally there's no point cutting off your nose to spite your face - in a similar situation in future I'd accept the painkillers and try to talk about the bigger issue later.

Aprilx · 06/06/2021 10:07

@Oneandanotherone

I would have expected a text to ask if I needed anything when he went shopping.

Everything else YABU.

I would predict that my DH would text to ask me if there was anything I needed whilst he was going shopping. But equally, if I need anything, it is very easy to send him a quick message asking him to pick something up on the way home. I wouldn’t not ask him and then act like a baby because he didn’t ask me. I certainly wouldn’t be going on about it a week later.
boompah · 06/06/2021 10:11

Is it that you have other grievances with him and have magnified this situation because of them?

cupsofcoffee · 06/06/2021 10:15

I'm surprised at some of these answers.

If I came home and found out DH was unwell and needed medication, I'd pop out and get him some and he would do the same for me. Yes, it's annoying to have to go back out, but it's much better than letting your partner suffer!

But, that being said, if I knew he was off work unwell and I was going to the supermarket, I would ring or text and ask him if he needed anything before going.

Aprilx · 06/06/2021 10:19

@cupsofcoffee

I'm surprised at some of these answers.

If I came home and found out DH was unwell and needed medication, I'd pop out and get him some and he would do the same for me. Yes, it's annoying to have to go back out, but it's much better than letting your partner suffer!

But, that being said, if I knew he was off work unwell and I was going to the supermarket, I would ring or text and ask him if he needed anything before going.

I think maybe you have not read the thread. Because her DH did say he would pop back out and OP told him not too.

Of course, since people have pointed this out, miraculously a tale of how he shouted this at her unravelled. But he didn’t originally. 🙄

anon12345678901 · 06/06/2021 10:19

So he said he would go and get some and you said no? You should have said yes please then. I think YABU. Why would he need to sit with you? You aren't a child whose ill, you're an adult. You don't need him to hold your hand and especially not if you have the flu.

BlueSurfer · 06/06/2021 10:24

It seems odd that your first reaction in a pandemic is that it’s flu, especially at this time of year. How are you feeling now? Have you tested negative on a PCR? Unless so, YABU to expect someone from your household to leave isolation to get you medicine.

Hadjab · 06/06/2021 10:32

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

A packet of ibuprofen is pennies!

I check mine every few months and Chuck if it’s out of date. Except for my tub of vicks. It went out of date in 2015 and I still use it 😂😂

Ha, me and the kids were discussing this last night. My late husband would Chuck a blob of Vicks in a bowl of hot water and steam his head whenever he had a cold. Our youngest was complaining she was blocked up from hay fever, so I suggested she do the same. The Vicks in the first aid box expired in 2013 😂
cupsofcoffee · 06/06/2021 10:33

I think maybe you have not read the thread. Because her DH did say he would pop back out and OP told him not too.

Yeah, I did read that bit, and I agree that OP shouldn't have been passive-aggressive in her response - but I couldn't just sit there and see my partner suffer in the way OP describes.

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