Is it time to move on from best friend? Feeling sad

[bestfriendisgone]

I fell out with my best friend of 5 yrs around two months ago. We rarely argue but do have very different personalities. We would sometimes disagree over certain things, she can be brutally honest as where I will tip toe around issues so I don’t upset someone. I would say we balance each other out and although we do clash sometimes, I see her as a sister and know I can always (or so I thought) count on her to be there for me and vice versa. We both had shitty/abusive childhoods and I think this is one of the reasons why we bonded so much. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder around a year ago and has struggled. I’ve tried to be there for her as much as I can but I also struggle with mental health problems. I’ve suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for many years now and many people including friends and family have suggested I might have a personality disorder myself or maybe even bipolar as I show a lot of the symptoms, although I’ve not been diagnosed by a professional as I tried therapy once years ago and hated it.

I have struggled a lot over the last couple of months. Apart from going to work (because I have to! I pretty much have had to force myself to get out of bed every morning) I have not been anywhere. Every weekend I have stayed in and not wanted to do anything. Friend kept on messaging/ringing me asking what was wrong or if she’d done anything wrong. I told her no but just felt I needed some space. She was angry and upset because we use to talk every day and spend most weekends together but over the last couple of months I’d become very distant and quiet. I will admit, when I feel this way I have a tendency to push people away. I definitely struggle with fear of abandonment. I always think people will leave me eventually therefor I may as well push them away first to get it over with. I have struggled a lot with friendships and relationships due to my personality/illness (if I have one?) but this is the one friendship that has always stuck.

Friend told me we were done and that I was such a shitty friend, especially after everything she’d done for me. She also said that I’d used her (for 5 years? ). Granted, she has done a lot for me but I’ve done a lot for her too! We didn’t argue but she was clearly upset and angry with me so I thought I’d let her cool off and then contact her. I definitely didn’t want the friendship to be over. I decided to send her a card around a month ago. It was a funny card with a picture of a cactus on it saying “sorry for being a prick”. I thought it would cheer her up, make her laugh and break the ice. I wrote a message inside saying how sorry I was, I loved her and would always be there for her if she needed me, she was the greatest friend I’d ever had etc. She ignored me. I messaged her a few days after asking if she’d received the card and also reiterated that I loved her and missed her. She ignored me again.

It’s been nearly two months now and I’ve heard nothing back. She started a new job a couple of weeks ago working in a cocktail bar (she interviewed for the job whilst we were still friends). I just so happened to be driving past yesterday and saw her outside serving customers. I decided to message her this morning, one final attempt just asking if she was ok and if the new job was going well. Told her again how I missed her and missed spending time with her etc. She’s read the message but no reply. I know I’ve made a mistake and perhaps been a crappy friend over the last few months. I’ve reached out a few times now and always been ignored. I’m human, I made a mistake and I would hope she would see that I was trying to reach out and make things right. She means the world to me and I miss our friendship so much, but I honestly don’t know what else I can do? I feel slightly angry now but I’m not sure why. Is she so perfect that she’s never made a mistake? I feel sad that she wants to throw our friendship away but I can’t keep on begging someone to be my friend. Most days I feel like driving my car into a wall on my way to work. I understand if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore but it would be nice if she asked me if I’m ok rather than ignoring me. We might not be friends, but I still care about her and care what happens to her.

Is it time to move on? Have I done everything that I can to try and save the friendship?

Very sorry for the long-winded post!

This feels like a lot of dramas for a friendship. Friendship is supposed to lift you up and make you feel better.

Yes I think leave it now and give yourself space to grieve.

Without intending to, you have hurt her deeply. She may be right in thinking she can't go through that again.

@SquarePeggyLeggy I can understand why it might sound like that, but we've had many happy times together too

Sadly, I think you're right @deathbypostitnote

She's a bit of a fucking hypocrite is she not 🤔

Happy to let you support her through her diagnosis etc.. but as soon as you need space/support.. you're ditched.

Well keep walking OP and do not look back. 🌸

Sorry to say but I think you’re a bit of a hypocrite OP.

It’s okay for you not to speak to her for weeks/months, have space, time away but now she’s doing it you don’t like it?

I think you need to back off completely and see if she comes back

daisy Would it kill you to be kind.

OP was a bit different because she did explain but I agree to a certain extent, not with the way you've put it though.

OP, as much as this friendship has been special, it seems like you've been relying on each other a lot and individually need a lot of stability from the people around you. When things are good they're great but this friendship has a time limit until one of you becomes excellent at being reliably there and resilient at the other person being unable to be. That growth will take a while and may never happen. However you may meet again at a different state of life and find you both have a wider support network, are at a different place in life and can enjoy the friendship without the needs attached. For the time being, you are unintentionally bringing each other down and you both need space to find less intense support and an even keel. But it is painful.

You weren't being a prick and you had nothing to apologize for. You took time out from everything and everyone, focusing on only the basics for a few months because you needed to for your mental health. You explained what was happening and reassured your friend it wasn't personal. You've done nothing wrong.

Sounds like she couldn't cope with the situation, has blamed you for 'causing' her feelings (you didn't) instead of accepting those feelings as her own reaction and her responsibility to deal with. And she's cut you out, ended your friendship like she said she was going to. All you can do is accept her decision.

People have the right to end any relationship for any reason, even stupid reasons or reasons you don't understand. If it helps, someone once told me friends come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It made me realize that not all friendships are meant to last, and that's ok.

If she comes back later and 'forgives' you I'd not get back into the friendship TBH. You did nothing wrong so you don't need forgiveness.

You've got issues, which you realize. There's a risk of a bad power imbalance in this friendship now, if you make up without an apology from her for her behaviour and an assurance (played out in reality) that she won't behave this way again. If she ever does anything similar again then definitely ditch her for good.

The way you've run round grovelling after her when you've done nothing wrong, isn't healthy. If she comes back to 'forgive' you whilst simultaneously brushing her own behaviour under the carpet, that's not healthy either.

Unfortunately us humans are totally self-centred when depressed and forget that others might need help. I'm not judging you OP as I've also neglected my friends at times, but your friend may have desperately needed you at the time when you needed your space.

@Coyoacan

Unfortunately us humans are totally self-centred when depressed and forget that others might need help. I'm not judging you OP as I've also neglected my friends at times, but your friend may have desperately needed you at the time when you needed your space.

So while OP is dealing with her own issues.. she is supposed to be on full standyby for her friend.. 😳

I think she could have been more supportive when you were going trough a hard time recently. From what I gather from your op, you have clearly explained to her what was going on, you needed some time alone and it had to do with your MH issues and nothing to do with her personally. If I had been in her position, I would have sent you support messages now and then, respected your needed to be completely alone for a while and let you know that whatever happens, I would still be there for you. Because I value my friendships and respect my friends’ boundaries. She’s been a prick, not you, stop lowering yourself to get back in her good graces again, you don’t need this type of person in your life. I know it’s hard and painful but I really hope somebody who is going to be a better friend to you will come in your life

You have every right to set boundaries but the knock on effect of that is that it's been read as rejection and as the friendship being on your terms only. For self preservation not many of us will put ourselves out there to risk being hurt again. I think sadly she may have moved on.

Too hard. Most friendships are easier thsn this.

Find ways to take her off your mind and don't send any further messages.

I think you could do with some help with your own issues first - the low mood, lack of motivation etc.
Your friend needs some space. You have made contact, offered your friendship and apologised for any hurt caused. She may come round in time but you can't force it.

I don’t think there’s anything more you can do, sorry. She’s made it very clear that she no longer wants to be friends with you. You don’t specify what personality disorder she has but if it’s BPD then the fear of being abandoned by those you love and care about is a massive thing and this is effectively what you did to her, albeit through no fault of your own.

Unfortunately it sounds like your mental health problems and hers put together just make it too difficult for the friendship to work. I’m sorry and I hope you can move on and find new friendships elsewhere.

It sounds like you two are incompatible based on your individual needs. You want to be able to have a break from the friendship when needed and then to pick it up again when you're in a better headspace; she needs someone who is consistent and reliable.

I am lucky enough to be fairly even tempered but I have friends who fit both your profiles and I'm lucky enough to be able to accommodate both types of friendship without it taking a toll on me. But I can see that they wouldn't and couldn't be good friends to each other.

You both have to prioritise your own mental health and if that means you can't be the kind of friend the other needs, then that is sad but unavoidable.

@Coyoacan

Unfortunately us humans are totally self-centred when depressed and forget that others might need help. I'm not judging you OP as I've also neglected my friends at times, but your friend may have desperately needed you at the time when you needed your space.

But we don't exist to give and give and give to others just because they need or want it. The other friends needs don't mean the OP has to 'be there' or should have 'been there'. OP had her own needs and was right to put those first and it doesn't make her selfish for doing so. If the other friend had needs she should have been understanding that OP couldn't help this time and looked elsewhere to get her needs met. We don't owe other people anything except respect and manners, which isn't the same thing as doing what they want.

But we don't exist to give and give and give to others just because they need or want it. The other friends needs don't mean the OP has to 'be there' or should have 'been there'. OP had her own needs and was right to put those first and it doesn't make her selfish for doing so. If the other friend had needs she should have been understanding that OP couldn't help this time and looked elsewhere to get her needs met. We don't owe other people anything except respect and manners, which isn't the same thing as doing what they want.

agreed 🌷

I think it's a bit meaningless to tell her you "would always be there for her if she needed me" when she's needed you and you actively haven't been there for her. I understand why you couldn't, but you can't then expect her to chuckle at a card and buy all the lovey stuff inside when the reality is that you pushed her away for months. I think that you should leave her be and see if she comes back of her own accord, but be prepared for this to be another friendship that is now in the past.

You can't make her feel anything or forgive you, and it's only going to fuel negativity to dwell on 'but I did xyz for her', but you can work on yourself and get help to break this pattern. Just because you had therapy years ago and didn't like it, doesn't mean it's not worth trying again, and you should definitely look into getting a diagnosis and the understanding and potential treatment that will accompany it. Otherwise you're in the dark and this will keep ambushing you.

Ignore her OP, you tried to apologise twice.

Fuck her. 🌸

I know you're struggling but I have to agree with pp like daisy. You're being a bit hypocritical. You effectively pushed her away and ended the friendship by being cold and distant for 2 months, you can't expect her to now want to pick things back up. You say you told her you needed some space but how clear were you with her on how you were feeling and that the space you requested had nothing to do with her or your friendship but was entirely to do with your mental health? It seems like perhaps you weren't very open and clear about the situation and honestly if my friend had treated me like that I'd have pulled away from the friendship too. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and I really hope you get help to deal with it

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong- or nothing you couldn’t have talked to a good friend about- but having reached out to her several times and been ignored, you probably do need to try to move on from her. Look after yourself.

I don’t think you had anything to apologise for OP and it was very sweet of you to take responsibility for her being upset and send the card, etc. But it sounds like this has somehow fuelled her sense of being the injured party and made her feel vindicated in throwing a strop and cutting you out. If you explained at the time you weren’t feeling great and were taking some time out for a bit then it was very unsympathetic and self-centred of her to make that all about her.

You’ve gone above and beyond in trying to patch things up and it sounds like she’s enjoying the attention and power of ignoring you. She sounds immature – if she is so hurt, even if she doesn’t want to spend time together, she could at least acknowledge your message and calmly let you know where she’s at – even if that was ‘sorry, I’m hurt by how you acted and don’t want to speak to you right now’. She was communicative enough when she was lashing out and accusing you of being a shit friend, so she’s obviously not shy expressing her feelings. Maybe she even feels embarrassed or awkward and would feel like a climb down to accept your apology? Maybe she is emotionally immature and finds handling her feelings challenging? Perhaps she just needs a bit of time to process it all and initiate contact again herself?

Either way, you should not feel bad as you have not ‘wronged’ her from your description, you have just not been there to meet her every need as you are a human too with your own needs and worries. You sound like a thoughtful friend.

I understand how hard it is losing a friendship you really care about. It sounds like you’ve had a very rough time. But - and this is an important but - you can’t force your friend to forgive you; or even to make up with you if you don’t think there’s anything to forgive. It’s entirely her choice, whether it’s the ‘right’ one or not. You’ve made several attempts at contact and she’s ignored them all. She has made it clear.

To be honest, some parts of your post make it sound like you think she hasn’t ‘made her case’ well enough; as if she has to prove it in court. Comments like ‘Is she so perfect?’ - she doesn’t have to be perfect to decide a friendship is over.