I fell out with my best friend of 5 yrs around two months ago. We rarely argue but do have very different personalities. We would sometimes disagree over certain things, she can be brutally honest as where I will tip toe around issues so I don’t upset someone. I would say we balance each other out and although we do clash sometimes, I see her as a sister and know I can always (or so I thought) count on her to be there for me and vice versa. We both had shitty/abusive childhoods and I think this is one of the reasons why we bonded so much. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder around a year ago and has struggled. I’ve tried to be there for her as much as I can but I also struggle with mental health problems. I’ve suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for many years now and many people including friends and family have suggested I might have a personality disorder myself or maybe even bipolar as I show a lot of the symptoms, although I’ve not been diagnosed by a professional as I tried therapy once years ago and hated it.
I have struggled a lot over the last couple of months. Apart from going to work (because I have to! I pretty much have had to force myself to get out of bed every morning) I have not been anywhere. Every weekend I have stayed in and not wanted to do anything. Friend kept on messaging/ringing me asking what was wrong or if she’d done anything wrong. I told her no but just felt I needed some space. She was angry and upset because we use to talk every day and spend most weekends together but over the last couple of months I’d become very distant and quiet. I will admit, when I feel this way I have a tendency to push people away. I definitely struggle with fear of abandonment. I always think people will leave me eventually therefor I may as well push them away first to get it over with. I have struggled a lot with friendships and relationships due to my personality/illness (if I have one?) but this is the one friendship that has always stuck.
Friend told me we were done and that I was such a shitty friend, especially after everything she’d done for me. She also said that I’d used her (for 5 years? 
). Granted, she has done a lot for me but I’ve done a lot for her too! We didn’t argue but she was clearly upset and angry with me so I thought I’d let her cool off and then contact her. I definitely didn’t want the friendship to be over. I decided to send her a card around a month ago. It was a funny card with a picture of a cactus on it saying “sorry for being a prick”. I thought it would cheer her up, make her laugh and break the ice. I wrote a message inside saying how sorry I was, I loved her and would always be there for her if she needed me, she was the greatest friend I’d ever had etc. She ignored me. I messaged her a few days after asking if she’d received the card and also reiterated that I loved her and missed her. She ignored me again.
It’s been nearly two months now and I’ve heard nothing back. She started a new job a couple of weeks ago working in a cocktail bar (she interviewed for the job whilst we were still friends). I just so happened to be driving past yesterday and saw her outside serving customers. I decided to message her this morning, one final attempt just asking if she was ok and if the new job was going well. Told her again how I missed her and missed spending time with her etc. She’s read the message but no reply. I know I’ve made a mistake and perhaps been a crappy friend over the last few months. I’ve reached out a few times now and always been ignored. I’m human, I made a mistake and I would hope she would see that I was trying to reach out and make things right. She means the world to me and I miss our friendship so much, but I honestly don’t know what else I can do? I feel slightly angry now but I’m not sure why. Is she so perfect that she’s never made a mistake? I feel sad that she wants to throw our friendship away but I can’t keep on begging someone to be my friend. Most days I feel like driving my car into a wall on my way to work. I understand if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore but it would be nice if she asked me if I’m ok rather than ignoring me. We might not be friends, but I still care about her and care what happens to her.
Is it time to move on? Have I done everything that I can to try and save the friendship?