To think I'm cursed with loneliness?

[user123532]

It sounds a bit melodramatic, I know. But I'm starting to think that something is really just wrong with me. You know how some people are just naturally charming and people just seem to be drawn to them? I'm the exact opposite. Here is my evidence, as gathered by me:

• Was lucky to meet DH when I was 17. In many ways he's lovely but he is an absolute workaholic. Openly admits that work comes first above me. He was doing a training day today until 4, actively chose to go to the office after that when everyone else came home so got home at about 6, has been asleep on the sofa since 7:30. Very typical.
• I have no friends. I have one acquaintance who I meet every couple of months for a coffee and a chat.
• TTC for 10 years. No baby. Been to different doctors, tried everything we can think of. Fostering/adoption are not an option for us.
• Ended up in a job which I don't particularly like, I'm basically on my own for most of the time. I work for DH's family business and it is complicated. FIL comes in for maybe 1-2 hours per day, if that.
• Lost my Dad to suicide when I was early 20s
• Lost two of my three dogs last year on the same day under really horrific circumstances
• Reasonably close to my Mum, see her 2-3 times per month but I didn't have a great childhood and my Mum was awful to me sometimes. I have two siblings but only see them maybe about 5 times a year. DH has gone NC with most of his family. I don't have much in the way of extended family, maybe see them at a wedding or funeral every few years.
• Over the past ten years, to try and distract myself from my grief and infertility I have been to so many classes. So many craft classes and support groups and sports things and never made a single friend. Never even made a friend for the duration of the class, never had anyone to sit with or talk to. I was the same as a child, I really struggled to make friends.
• Someone once sat on me at a baby shower. She didn't see that I was there and she literally sat down on top of me.
• Was described as an "emergency friend" once as a child ie the friend you called on when no one else was available. A work colleague in a previous job once said something similar "I never think to sit next to you, but we always have a really good chat when I do", said in a surprised tone. I have had friends over my lifetime, but I'm always the one who gets ditched or talked about behind their back etc I've never been really best friends with someone

I'm genuinely not sure why I'm so repulsive. I'm a bit invisible in general I think, I'm not hideous but I'm not very attractive, I'm clean and don't smell. I'm not shy. I try to smile and be friendly and I've read loads of things about how to make friends and things, asking them questions and asking no questions etc etc, but it feels like more than just not being able to make friends. It's deeper than that. Every aspect of my life, I am just alone. I live such an empty, lonely life.

AIBU to think there must be something really wrong with me?

I didn't want to read and run - I just wanted to say it must've been quite hard for you to post that, and please don't think it's you. I think feelings of being unloved / unlikeable can really harm you, and having low self esteem can mean you put up barriers - but it's not your fault. Having difficult relationships as a child can really affect people, and it's clear you've been through a lot.

Sorry if you've tried this, but have you tried therapy? It could really help talking through these issues with someone, and finding the right therapist could help you build your self-esteem.

In the meantime, sending . We have also suffered infertility and I know how lonely it can make you feel.

Sending a hug. Loneliness is just horrible. Your future is totally in your control, go change it so you are happy xx

I can relate to your situation. I don't feel I have any friends. Lots of aquaintences through various sports, clubs and work but never anything that has extended beyond that. No meeting up outside of whichever activity for example. I think I am a good person, often described as caring, honest, reliable etc but have never managed to get a real friendship to develop. So no advice sorry but know that you are not alone.

Please go to counselling. A lot has happened to you. Spend the money on a good counsellor and you won’t regret it (and I bet you a tenner you will have tonnes of friends this time next year).

Sending hugs from me too. Yes to counselling and please keep trying. There are so many lovely people out there. Good luck

Sending hugs from me too. Yes to counselling and please keep trying. There are so many lovely people out there. Good luck

Hi, I can relate to this. Had an extremely lonely marriage to a workaholic who was never around... since that ended I've been very lonely and isolated, I have a few friends but don't see them much as all live a bit of a distance away, same with siblings. No parents. I've literally said this to myself, I'm cursed with loneliness, it's the theme of my life.

With dc growing up and not wanting to spend time with me, the loneliness has intensified.

I went for a haircut the other day and thought how nice it was to be touched.

I feel for you, I really do, no advice, just solidarity.

Could you find a more enjoyable job?

Those of you who recommend counselling, how does it help with loneliness?

I felt so terribly sad reading your post OP. It seems like you are resigned to the fact that your life will always be this way. What I noticed was the sense that you lack any choice in any your circumstances but I cannot work out why this is.

You mention that you don't particularly like your job and that you work mostly alone. Is there a reason you can't explore other career options?
Your husband works too much. Have you discussed with him how this makes you feel? Why do you feel resigned to accepting his behaviour?

The unpleasant memories you have of people ignoring you or saying unkind things are not helpful to revisit over and over. They are just that; unpleasant memories. Don't let this small number of hurtful interactions shape your view of yourself, or stop you from seeking out positive interactions with others in the future.

It can be pretty frightening putting yourself out there when you are trying to make new friends. Well done on signing yourself up for craft classes. Just a thought - have you thought about volunteering? Some of the best friends I ever made I met through volunteering.

Yes, counselling.

Things to think about:
Your mum and sister - you say you “only” see your mum 2-3 times a month and your sister 5 times a year. That actually seems a lot to me. Do you want to see them more?

Making new friends - can be difficult. But you sound quite passive. Have you tried actually inviting people along to something, even if just for a coffee or a walk? I know Covid has made this harder, but in principle?

This does sound really hard and I completely agree with other poster about considering therapy. You would probably really benefit from having an outside opinion, and support form someone who can get to know you, not strangers on a forum.

Who knows why, this is the way things are for you, it sounds like mainly bad luck and trauma, but I know from my own experiences that when we go through hard times that emphasise isolation and loneliness, we can become very self-sufficient, maybe even inward looking and that can impact future relationships, even if we don't want or intend for it to do so.

I watched Joey Essex's BBC documentary today, who sought therapy due to the suicide of his mum and the impact that was having on him. It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with, but this showed quite well the development and process of therapy although it is a hard watch, you may get something out of it.

Loneliness is horrible, and I totally get what you are saying. I have a lovely DH, but no parents and no contact with my sibling. Never been any good at making friends and have tried clubs/volunteering - people are perfectly pleasant to me but it would never progress past the activity and in a group thing I'd always end up sidelined.
I do have a great job which I love, and that really helps. Any chance you can change to something else? Working in the family business doesn't sound like its working for you

You sound a lovely person, not in the least bit repulsive. You sound like you’ve been through a lot of hard stuff in life, and you deserve so much better xxx

I went through a period when I was very alone. I went travelling and met a guy who was very direct, some people thought he was rude, but he really helped me. He said to me “stop thinking inwards. Think outwards more. Start paying attention to other people.”
I was initially indignant, because I am not selfish and will do anything to please anyone. But, he was actually right, I was quite preoccupied with myself, although I wasn’t selfish my attenion was directed inward (I had low self esteem) and so my inner dialogue was always around myself, how I should be behaving, how I was coming across, what others would think of me.
I tried to put myself out of my own mind (if that makes any sense) and project my energy outward a bit more, and I found that it did help with making friends.

I then met a friend who is the most sociable person I’ve ever met, and I’ve noticed that she interacts with strangers under the assumption that they will like her. Very different to me, I operate under the assumption that people will not like me until I can persuade them otherwise / prove myself to them. It makes me inhibited, meanwhile she is very open and refreshing.
Since meeting her I am trying to be more like her. It’s a work in progress, but I do think her approach to life will feel more natural the more I do it. Like building a muscle.

I don’t know if any of this is applicable to you or helpful in any way but I thought I would share xxx

I feel the same way as you op, your post resonated with me. I am reading the replies with interest. Well done for going to clubs etc - I have not been brave enough yet - although I'm sorry they weren't productive for making friends. Wish I had some advice for you, but please don't give up x

Thank you for your kind replies. I have had a bit of counselling, mainly when my Dad died. I would like to get into a regular habit of going for a while, I'm looking for a private one currently but all the ones I've contacted so far are full, and we live in a less affluent area that doesn't have a lot of private services available in general, but I will keep looking.

@takenoprisoner I’m sorry you feel the same way. I have often wondered if I would actually feel less lonely if DH and I were to split up. I feel like I spend a lot of my time revolving around his work and his needs, to the point where I often feel that I’m not living a life of my own, I’m just a supporting role in his.

Oh my love. It’s horrid isn’t it.

First bit of advice, quit TTCing. We tried for about 8 years in total. We had 3 rounds of IVF with the last one ending at 14 weeks. At the start of the last round we decided that no matter what it ended there. I honestly think that saved our relationship and my mental health. But it was hard and we had to make peace with it.

Can you change jobs? I had one job where I didn’t get on with anyone. It was horrible. They would all get together for chats etc and leave me out. I changed jobs and was falling over myself for friends. It wasn’t me, it was them.

@Namechangedandoverwhelmed and @EastWestWhosBest - both really good bits of advice!

You sound like me OP. Just a thought... I wonder if you maybe are autistic. I have struggled all through my life with meeting and making and KEEPING friends.

@justcallmejulia I have decided to look for another job. I know colleagues aren’t friends, but I do think it would help me a lot.

@wheredoesagoannago I think I have become resigned to my situation. There’s a lot I can’t change, like the losses I’ve had, the infertility. And I feel like in terms of making friends, I have tried everything I can think of or that I have read as advice. I don’t think I will ever have them, not really.

I have decided though that one thing I can change is my job, so I am going to look for a different one and deal with the fall out, because I work for FIL, DH isn’t supportive of me changing jobs.

Also, DH does work too much. He’s either constantly working or too tired from working. We’ve had numerous talks about it, he’s told me that he feels for me and will do his best for me in other ways but that work is number 1, he won’t change his work habits.

@daisypond I would like to see them more, I think the world of my siblings and it always seems like everyone else I know is much closer with theirs. We all live in the same town, about 5 minutes drive from each other. They see each other a bit more often, partly due to work issues on my end.

@user123532
Yes, I was tired of fitting in with ex's life and plan. Literally had to book holidays to see him without distractions. My marriage ended for other reasons, but the loneliness, dear God, I never thought one could be so lonely in a marriage. I am still lonely without him, but do feel my life is at least my own and it's just more authentic.

Since you live so close to your siblings, is there a reason you don't see each other more?

@eastwestwhosbest we have pretty much stopped TTC. I can't take all that hope that I inevitably always ended up feeling, even though I tried so hard not to, for it all just come crashing down on me again. I am struggling to make peace with it fully, all I ever really wanted was to be a mum, and since making that decision I just don't know what to do with myself or my life, or what the point of anything is. All the plans I had for my future were centred around motherhood. How was your experience of coming to terms with it, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm sorry for your loss

@takenoprisoner I think there are a few different reasons. I think they just have more in common with each other than with me. I went travelling and lived abroad for a couple of years and I think they kind of got used to living their life as a family without me in it. I also think that it's just my offputting-ness as well. Sometimes when we're together it's lovely and we can just laugh and have fun and be silly and then others it's so awkward and trying to have a conversation is difficult.