To think I'm cursed with loneliness?

[user123532]

It sounds a bit melodramatic, I know. But I'm starting to think that something is really just wrong with me. You know how some people are just naturally charming and people just seem to be drawn to them? I'm the exact opposite. Here is my evidence, as gathered by me:

• Was lucky to meet DH when I was 17. In many ways he's lovely but he is an absolute workaholic. Openly admits that work comes first above me. He was doing a training day today until 4, actively chose to go to the office after that when everyone else came home so got home at about 6, has been asleep on the sofa since 7:30. Very typical.
• I have no friends. I have one acquaintance who I meet every couple of months for a coffee and a chat.
• TTC for 10 years. No baby. Been to different doctors, tried everything we can think of. Fostering/adoption are not an option for us.
• Ended up in a job which I don't particularly like, I'm basically on my own for most of the time. I work for DH's family business and it is complicated. FIL comes in for maybe 1-2 hours per day, if that.
• Lost my Dad to suicide when I was early 20s
• Lost two of my three dogs last year on the same day under really horrific circumstances
• Reasonably close to my Mum, see her 2-3 times per month but I didn't have a great childhood and my Mum was awful to me sometimes. I have two siblings but only see them maybe about 5 times a year. DH has gone NC with most of his family. I don't have much in the way of extended family, maybe see them at a wedding or funeral every few years.
• Over the past ten years, to try and distract myself from my grief and infertility I have been to so many classes. So many craft classes and support groups and sports things and never made a single friend. Never even made a friend for the duration of the class, never had anyone to sit with or talk to. I was the same as a child, I really struggled to make friends.
• Someone once sat on me at a baby shower. She didn't see that I was there and she literally sat down on top of me.
• Was described as an "emergency friend" once as a child ie the friend you called on when no one else was available. A work colleague in a previous job once said something similar "I never think to sit next to you, but we always have a really good chat when I do", said in a surprised tone. I have had friends over my lifetime, but I'm always the one who gets ditched or talked about behind their back etc I've never been really best friends with someone

I'm genuinely not sure why I'm so repulsive. I'm a bit invisible in general I think, I'm not hideous but I'm not very attractive, I'm clean and don't smell. I'm not shy. I try to smile and be friendly and I've read loads of things about how to make friends and things, asking them questions and asking no questions etc etc, but it feels like more than just not being able to make friends. It's deeper than that. Every aspect of my life, I am just alone. I live such an empty, lonely life.

AIBU to think there must be something really wrong with me?

@wherethespiritmeetsthebones I'm sorry you feel similar in your life too. You should definitely try going to clubs, pick something you think would interest you and just try it. I haven't made friends at them but plenty of people do and I have enjoyed them for what they are. No one has ever been horrible to me in them or anything like that.

@Namechangedandoverwhelmed thank you for your kind words. I found your post very interesting actually and it resonated with me because I would have been the same in that situation - initially indignant but if I'm honest maybe I am too proccupied with myself. I have low self esteem too, so I'm so busy wondering if the person I'm speaking to will like me, did what I just say sound weird, they're probably not going to like me, etc. I also assume that people won't like me, so that's interesting about your friend too. I can't imagine what it would be like to not operate that way??

@rubyfakelips I will make sure I watch that, thank you.

I feel like I am quite self sufficient, I have always been very independent. I realised in the past that I miss out on opportunities sometimes like for example, if I felt like going to the gym or fancied a McDonalds for lunch, I would just go on my own and not think about it. Whereas a lot of people I know wouldn't want to do these things on their own, so would ask someone if they wanted to go with them. Does that make sense?

@twocanplay I have sometimes wondered if I could be actually. I'm not sure. Are you? I do think I have ADHD though, I'm currently considering whether I think a diagnosis would be beneficial or not. I don't know if ADHD would have an effect on this kind of thing though?

OP to me it seems that your biggest issues are 'D'H related. He's told you work comes before you? That doesn't sound like a lovely guy to me. You are his wife, you should come first! And then you work for his family in a job you aren't enjoying and yet 'D'H doesn't think you should leave. It sounds like you'd be so much happier working elsewhere with more contact with people, why isn't he supportive of that?
You seem a nice person who's being ground down by her current life. Be kind to yourself and make some changes. A different job might not lead directly to new friends. But it'll lead to new acquaintances, different conversations and I think a new outlook.

@Namechangedandoverwhelmed Great post. Some very good advice in here. I think interacting with others on the assumption they are going to like you is a great way to be!

I’d also think counselling would help, but try different people, and don’t write it off if you don’t gel with the first one or two you try.

To the poster up thread who asked how counselling will help with loneliness — the OP has clearly had a difficult childhood, suffered the loss of her father by suicide, married very young to someone who doesn’t treat her as a priority, and is struggling with longterm infertility. All these things are affecting her sense of self, agency and visibility. Working through them will alleviate her sense of being ‘cursed’ with loneliness, when it is very likely that it is her poor self-esteem and problematic relationships make her feel invisible to herself and therefore to other people.

I'm not sure if you have heard of Gateway Women? It's an organisation which offers friendship and support to childless women.
Apologies, if you are still on your fertility journey.

You sound as though you don’t like yourself very much. People can sense that and they back off. (I found this out because I was the same). It’s a cliche but you really do have to like/ love yourself first. There’s no escaping that. Agree definitely counselling or the right type of psychotherapy.

Hello op. I too can relate to a lot of what you've said, and others.

But it glares out at me, the way to speak of your self. It is a fact to you, that you put people off, and that fact spirals a person down.

Theres a book I'm reading called When Am I Going to be Happy, how to break the emotional bad habits that make you miserable. I'm only a little way into it but so far it says, when you start thinking in that fatalistic way (this is my life, I may as well accept it, it must be me) look at what kicked that off. Look at times you feel bad and ask why, what happened to kick it off.

A lot of painful things are happening to you. The hurt you feel over mot getting pregnant for example. No person would feel unrocked by these things.

And some circumstances aren't right for you. Again, most people would be rocked by this.

So it's not you. Its really not.

Some other responses on this thread are better ways of being. Facing outward, watching and learning from others. These are emotional habits that spiral upwards. I think life is magic there because we can spiral up or down depending on how we think. And even when bad things do happen, as they do to everyone, a more helpful habit is to think well around it, to cultivate helpful habits.

X

OP, I think I would like you IRL. I've had some of the same experiences. You sound like a thoughtful and considerate person. I have chosen to stop trying to impress people who I don't click with. I will seek out someone else who isn't at the centre of things, and usually end up getting along well with them during whatever event it is. I'm still pretty shy when it comes to moving into a friendship though - fear of rejection and getting it wrong doesn't help but I'm working on it. There is certainty nothing wrong with you

@user123532 Glad you found my post interesting xx

I think my friend’s approach is due to having had more good experiences in life then bad, and high self esteem. She will be the first to greet people with a smile and ask them a question. She’s very relaxed about it, if somebody were to give her a dirty look and shuffle off, she would just think “maybe they wanted some peace to themselves” and turn to talk to somebody else, rather than inwardly berate herself for doing the wrong thing.

In reality she hardly gets any dirty looks though, how many people would scowl at somebody who is being friendly? Even if it happened 50% of the time (it definitely isn’t that high, more like 1%) her approach means she would still have a friendly conversation with half of the people she chooses to speak to!
My previous strategy of keeping the barriers up pretty much guarantees 0 conversations. It takes an unusually friendly person to strike up a conversation with the quiet person in the corner who looks like they want to be left alone (she did - it’s how I met her!)

What other people think of her doesn’t really seem to factor into her daily interactions - she just reaches out and gives of herself. It’s “risky” because there’s always a chance she’ll get knocked back but actually that rarely happens and it’s unrealistic to think we can be liked by EVERYONE anyway.
There are people I’m not keen on- but should they change to meet my expectations? No. Do they deserve to be alone? No? Are the people I DO like perfect human beings? Not even close! Personalities just click / don’t click with each other, doesn’t mean if you don’t immediately click with somebody that there is something wrong with you.

The same is true for the ‘direct’ guy who helped me on my travels. He wasn’t rude or unkind, he saw what I needed to hear to help me, and said it to me honestly, without worrying what I would think of him. Some people took him the wrong way, but that didn’t stop him from being who he was- and I’m so glad, because I would have missed out on his insight otherwise. He prioritised being helpful/making a difference to people over his own need to be liked- which was actually pretty amazing I thought. And though some people did think he was a bit ‘much’, many people did like him!
We don’t need the world to like us, only a few people who “get us”.

Look is self compassion by Kristen Neff. She talks about remembering that our imperfections are not what seperate us from others, they are a part of our shared humanity. It’s easy, when we’re down on ourselves, to seperate from others almost as feel ‘less than’ everyone else. But it’s an illusion, we are all in this together.

I suffered with intense loneliness during my university days. I did have friends but no friendship group, and felt completely cut off from everyone. What helped me was counselling - I think there is no way round it. If loneliness has been continuous throughout your life, then it is probably due to something about you. In my case, it was my strong belief that I was unlikeable, and a very strong sense of shame. I had this belief that there was something that was wrong with me, something repulsive that would make people despise me if they got to know me better. During counselling, I learnt that even I didn't know what this thing was. As soon as I realised this, the belief evaporated. It sounds so easy now but at the time, I wasn't even aware that I had this belief. This discovery allowed me to build up healthy self esteem and it was all uphill from there. I will never be the life and soul of a party but I have now found friends and feel at ease in social situations, I no longer feel ashamed. So counselling (with an experienced counsellor!) was definitely the most important step to getting out of my lonely rut.

As for where to find friends, do you like dogs? Because I would suggest getting a dog. Not only do dogs alleviate loneliness because they're attentive, affectionate, reliable, but they are fantastic for getting into conversations with people!

Again, thank you for all the replies. To those who have suggested counselling, I'm not even too sure how I would go about finding a counsellor? I have looked on the BACP website and there aren't many in my area at all, and the ones I've contacted are fully booked.

@something2say I will try that book, thank you. I do feel miserable almost all the time and while I do think I have some genuine things I need to sort out, I also think I have got too comfortable allowing myself to wallow in it, and almost finding comfort in it in a weird way? But I know it's not good for me and I want to change it.

@soapboxfox - thank you for saying that

Hello OP,
Have you checked meetups, the app?
I am trying those too.. similar situation, but we need to keep trying!
It is not you, it is just this is a big big world and people just been busy in this fast pace enviroroment :)

@Chronos321 I have, but there is basically nothing in my town unfortunately. I could go further afield but I can't quite get the confidence to do so, I just think what's the point as my experience suggests that I won't make friends anyway