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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treatment of grandchildren

47 replies

Alittlelost0 · 04/06/2021 20:53

OK, this is the first time I've braved AIBU. I've name changed just because I'm worried about it being identifying.
I'm becoming a bit upset by how my mum treats my children and I need some advice on how it seems to others from people who aren't just going to tell me what I want to hear... I'll try and include as much as I can without it being recognisable and not drip feed!!
So I have a son and a daughter, and my mother seems to treat my son (who is first born so obviously older) very differently. He is invited for tea and sleep overs and one on one time at their house and come home with new toys and clothes and so on. Where as it's never extended to my daughter and she rarely (only once) is bought anything back when he is brought home.
Most recently when son was dropped off with new nice things, mum rushed in and out and daughter didn't even get a hug or kiss and was left crying asking for nanny and a kiss.
I have to admit I cried as it feels so wrong.
For full disclosure I have a difficult relationship with my parents and mother in particular and so am ultra sensitive.
I recognise she is still young so less easy to take on and son is at more easy age (out of nappies etc) Also he was first born so they have a relationship already.
I also know he really enjoys going and being spoilt, although he is often very aggressive to me when he comes back which adds to my unease about the whole situation.
Basically, I know I have a horrible feeling about this but am I being overly sensitive and having my judgement clouded?
Be kind please. I'm honestly open to opinions.
I also want to add that this sounds grabby and ungrateful which I am not at all! These afternoons or sleep overs are not common and often not for my benefit at all so don't want to sound like I'm dissing free childcare!

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 04/06/2021 20:55

In theory it’s problematic. However I can understand why she wouldn’t want a child still in nappies for a sleepover.
It may be best to step back and have them see her less in general.

3scape · 04/06/2021 20:59

I'd limit visits to something more suitable. She isn't childcare, obviously completely incapable of treating them fairly anyway. So I'd cool things down to visits with you there to look out for the interests of both your children.

MissyB1 · 04/06/2021 20:59

No I’m with you something seems off with this situation. I wonder what would happen if you asked your mum to have your dd just for an afternoon? Not your ds though, make an excuse that you need to take him somewhere.
As for your ds behaviour when he gets home, that could be due to being overtired and overindulged at nana’s house. Tell him if he’s naughty after going there then you might have to say no next time.

Summersun2020 · 04/06/2021 21:00

From a practical standpoint I get it, for the reasons you’ve mentioned. However that’s no excuse to not stop for a kiss and a cuddle, ask how she is, how was nursery etc. She should still show affection to both grandkids. I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all Flowers

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 04/06/2021 21:03

YANBU. Yes she already has a relationship with DS but how will she develop a relationship with DD if she never bothers with her? Did she show more interest in DS when he was at DD's age? I can understand her not feeling as confident taking a younger child for day trips or sleepovers butI can't understand buying toys and treats for one and not the other. Also not bothering to build a relationship with DD (which she could presumably do without having to have sleepovers).

AdjustableAssholeSettings · 04/06/2021 21:08

The part where she didn't even say hello and your daughter got upset is really sad. It sounds like she's not interested, for me that would be enough to knock the overnights on the head.

HumansAreShocking · 04/06/2021 21:19

I think it’s fine for her not to look after your daughter, but I feel so sad that she doesn’t even acknowledge her, your poor girl!

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 21:26

Sadly I suspect your instincts are correct. Sleepovers/visits to the house without you I can understand - your dd seems too young for that sort of thing - but toys? Not even a kiss?

I doubt you can change it (ie make her treat your dd better) but as she gets older maybe best to limit her 1 on 1 contact with your don. She can see you all together, or not at all.

godmum56 · 04/06/2021 21:36

I would definitely step back from your mother with the sleepovers and so on. Im my family when we were kids (I am in my 60's now) it was an aunt (mothers sister) She got more and more possessive over my oldest sib. Us younger ones didn't care so not quite the same but I remember (cos kids do notice) that there was definite favouritism and then coldness when my parents put the brakes on.

Original poster
Alittlelost0 · 04/06/2021 21:42

Thank you all so much for being so kind and for reassuring me I'm not just imagining it! I felt so sad for DD but for myself too as there's no interest there either. I have been taking steps back hugely which sometimes results in coldness as pp has correctly said. As if she's doing me a huge favour and I'm making life hard for myself if I decline.
Thank you all again for the viewpoints and advice x

OP posts:
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 04/06/2021 21:45

I think her completely ignoring your DD was an absolutely awful thing to do, and does show a complete lack of interest. As a grandparent of 3 myself, I was always aware of just how important it was to treat each of them fairly, and never, ever, showed bias to any of them. Treating one differently to the other is so unfair, and even though I never did, my 3 still feel that I had favourites, which simply wasn't the case, so if they felt that, having been treated fairly, how on earth would your poor little girl feel, if this treatment continues? I think your best course of action would be to stop the one on one time for your DS, and only visit as a family in future so that you can keep an eye on this, and call her out on it, if it gets worse.

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2021 21:50

It’s shitty behaviour. Yes, sleepovers are trickier when you have children in nappies but that’s a small part of what you describe.

My PIL have two grandchildren (my two boys). They are VERY close to the older and have had him a day a week minimum since he was 6 months old.

My younger boy now gets his day a week with them and the older is at school so gets sleepovers and trips to town and museums etc on the weekend.

My PIL do everything they can to have fair, separate and loving relationships with the boys and I’m very grateful to them.

Your mother sounds difficult. Why do you encourage the relationship when she’s been difficult with you?

Justajot · 04/06/2021 21:51

As an adult, having a favourite is a choice. I'm not suggesting that it comes naturally to everyone to not have favourites. But it is possible to make a conscious decision to not have or do favourites. If you don't bother to make that decision then you have effectively made a decision to have a favourite.

I'd raise it once with your mum and if she doesn't make the effort to change then I would limit visits.

Ohdoleavemealone · 04/06/2021 22:05

I used to see this in MIL behaviour but to be honest as they have gotten older they are treated much more equal and I think maybe it was an age thing.

Sushirolls · 04/06/2021 22:10

My DGC are babies (very close together in age) and I still treat them equally with treats/attention/new clothes etc. Now the eldest is at nursery it's harder to have them both overnight during the week like we did before, so now they both get a dedicated day each where we do something fun in the day and they have a sleepover.

Both are under 3 btw so both still in nappies etc, that's no excuse to ignore one!

Original poster
Alittlelost0 · 05/06/2021 07:40

Thank you. It's really interesting to hear from grandparents as well! By the way some of you sound like absolutely wonderful grandparents!! There have never, in nearly 5 years, been any days out or anything here. Just at their place (no garden and v small)
There are obviously more things at play but I'm working through them and am so afraid of her reading anything!
For full disclosure she did ask my DD if she was feeling any better when she came but that was it. Son lots of kisses and cuddles. Maybe be had somewhere to be...
When she's with them both she does give DD attention. I'm just wondering how long it will be before the toys and so on are noticed by my daughter as she gets older.
Thank you all for letting me free up some head space by sharing x

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/06/2021 14:38

Hang on a sec, had your dd been ill when granny rushed in and out without hugging her? Because that would change things.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/06/2021 14:48

Did your mum treat you badly and is now treating your DD badly? Are you seeing your behaviour to you extended to her (whereas your DS is the golden boy)?

Original poster
Alittlelost0 · 05/06/2021 19:49

@BarbarianMum sorry, he molars were coming through!
Although I would add that this is not necessarily a one off, just easiest to describe as most recent!
@Merryoldgoat I find her very difficult and am struggling at the moment to understand where I separate those feelings and her relationship with DC and where I need to intervene to protect my DC...

@YetAnotherSpartacus it's really long and involved but I definitely feel that DD and I are maybe less than... if that makes sense. I have been for a long time, simply a.way to access the grandkids..

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/06/2021 20:14

I think you need to lower contact then. It not fair on any of you and potentially she might turn your son away from you.

LittleOwl153 · 05/06/2021 20:37

How old are your kids?
I'd be really wary of her treatment of your ds. Especially given he is coming back with attitude. I'd also make sure that his visits are infrequent and follow no regular pattern just incase she gets difficult if you do have to more forcefully brake.

FictionalCharacter · 08/06/2021 23:11

She was cold with you and now she shows clear, hurtful favouritism to your son over your daughter. Is she one of those people who values boy children more than girl children?

I’d have cried too when she gave your little girl the brush-off and made her cry, when she’d given your son treats. So unkind of her.

Looks like time to reduce contact with her before your daughter becomes more aware of this and it starts to really affect her life.

Original poster
Alittlelost0 · 10/06/2021 16:24

Hello
Sorry I'm rubbish at replying. I name changed so have to login again to reply!
Thank you for all views. I was wondering, those who have said reduce contact, how would you go about that and what would you say when son asks about visiting? I often feel I get trapped into situations so that she gets what she wants.
Also another big purchase today for DS... nothing for DD. Intention to spend time using this item which is something I've been wanting to buy him and use together for a while but was waiting for birthday etc. Now he will receive it from them instead

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 10/06/2021 16:59

For reducing contact, rather than dropping all contact, it depends a bit on how you currently set up contact. If there’s a regular night DS goes for a sleep over or to see her then arranging some other activity that happens then helps disrupt it. If your DM asks then being vague “Think we might be doing something”, “Not this week, maybe next.” Etc. And just putting her off and not committing often might be your best shot. If she’s persistent you do have to stand a bit strong, though, even while sounding vague, which can be difficult to achieve, especially if she annoys you/winds you up a lot at the moment.

If it gets harder you can counter with “I don’t think it’s been good for him going so much, lately. He may enjoy it at the time but he’s been agitated after.” Then broken record of “I don’t think it’s good to do it so often.”.

Do you think those would work? MN can be a good place to run through how you think conversations might go so you can pick up some phrases to come out with while you’re feeling under pressure in the heat of an exchange.

NumberTheory · 10/06/2021 17:04

On the purchase front - if they are keeping the item at their house then if you slow visits down he won’t get to use it much but if he likes it you can still get it for his birthday and then you can spend time with him doing it. If it’s actually given to him so he can keep it at your house then you can spend time with him doing it. Don’t hold off because your parents will be disappointed.

Did they know about the item because you told them? If so, stop discussing your plans with them. Keep everyone vague. Learn to nod and smile a lot but not agree or commit.

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