Treatment of grandchildren

[Alittlelost0]

OK, this is the first time I've braved AIBU. I've name changed just because I'm worried about it being identifying.
I'm becoming a bit upset by how my mum treats my children and I need some advice on how it seems to others from people who aren't just going to tell me what I want to hear... I'll try and include as much as I can without it being recognisable and not drip feed!!
So I have a son and a daughter, and my mother seems to treat my son (who is first born so obviously older) very differently. He is invited for tea and sleep overs and one on one time at their house and come home with new toys and clothes and so on. Where as it's never extended to my daughter and she rarely (only once) is bought anything back when he is brought home.
Most recently when son was dropped off with new nice things, mum rushed in and out and daughter didn't even get a hug or kiss and was left crying asking for nanny and a kiss.
I have to admit I cried as it feels so wrong.
For full disclosure I have a difficult relationship with my parents and mother in particular and so am ultra sensitive.
I recognise she is still young so less easy to take on and son is at more easy age (out of nappies etc) Also he was first born so they have a relationship already.
I also know he really enjoys going and being spoilt, although he is often very aggressive to me when he comes back which adds to my unease about the whole situation.
Basically, I know I have a horrible feeling about this but am I being overly sensitive and having my judgement clouded?
Be kind please. I'm honestly open to opinions.
I also want to add that this sounds grabby and ungrateful which I am not at all! These afternoons or sleep overs are not common and often not for my benefit at all so don't want to sound like I'm dissing free childcare!

*everything, not everyone!

You say you have a difficult relationship with you mother. Do you have siblings? If you do did your mother treat you differently? Ie golden child and scapegoat child. Is this dynamic between your mother and your DS/DD just history repeating itself?

If it is then read up on toxic families, golden child/scapegoat dynamic and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and then walk away, you and your kids deserve better.

Next time your mum invites your son for a sleepover, say no it's daughters turn. Tell her it's done in turns or not at all.

Sorry of i have missed ot, bit how old are the children? If your dd is under 3 or even 3.5 it would not worry me at all

@nettytree

Next time your mum invites your son for a sleepover, say no it's daughters turn. Tell her it's done in turns or not at all.

This.

I was the child that was often forgotten about by my DGM..I was a teenager when I noticed and it really upset me. I knew I hadn't done anything to warrant such treatment but it was still difficult.. We now have a much healthier relationship but I haven't forgotten how I felt.

I would have to nip your DM behaviour and tell her If she buys for one, she has to buy something for both. If she has a child for a sleepover, the following sleepover or play date is with the other child. She needs to bond with both of your children, not just one.

@Whosaidcake I'm really sorry you got treated that way too. It's so hard to understand why anyone wouldn't reflect on their own behaviour as an adult.
@NumberTheory I feel like you have a good grasp on the situation. She has bought something before also that I was planning on getting him and when I thanked her she made it clear it was to remain at her house and it actually never left, and as an outdoor thing was hardly used. So we just bought him one too. It just takes the shine off things. When I talk about taking him places she wants to be the one to do it but never actually has an idea of her own and never actually ends up taking him anywhere.
Thank you for the great suggestions. I have been growing more vague and giving excuses but find it hard as I get really anxious it's going to trigger anger in her but will persevere.
I'm sorry to whoever asked about ages I am being as vague and giving little detail as possible so as to avoid her possibly noticing this. I feel incredibly anxious about it, even when I write things in private diaries or talk to my counsellor I'm so afraid it's going to get back to her.
My Dd is under 3 yes though so maybe that changes opinions but my Ds isn't much over 3! Also not sure I agree on the gifts etc front that age matters much once child is walking talking and understanding!
I think with regard to most recent purchase I will ask for it to be put away until we can get DD similar and they can be gifted together.

Thank you so much for all the friendly advice here. Some of you seem so familiar with this that it must be something you're going through too so hope you're all doing OK

find it hard as I get really anxious it's going to trigger anger in her

This line seems quite telling, and pretty worrying to me. It’s one line on an Internet forum so I don’t want make too much of it but..

Have you considered the idea she is abusive? If you fear triggering her anger by doing things that are really normal and totally within your rights, presumably this is because she used to get angry at you without good cause before? And that anger hurt you in some way?

If that’s the sort of person she is you have good reason to cut your DS’s contact with her, especially contact without you present, for his sake and to not let DD’s contact grow. If she will do that with you, there’s no good reason to think she won’t also do that with him. And possibly to think about going low or no contact for your own sake.

It is just one line and it may be treatment from other people that you now project on to your mother that makes you feel this way. But is it worth sitting down, maybe with your counsellor, and really considering what sort of person she is and whether that is someone you should be encouraging to have more contact with your DD or permitting to have as much contact as she does with you or your DS?

@NumberTheory yes. She has, she is very bad at taking responsibility for her actions and sometimes will be very upset by something I've said or the way I've said it when I have no idea what I've done. So it's hard to be confrontational on most subjects really, even in a gentle way!

I found some advice really useful and asked the gift to be put aside while we buy something similar for DD so that they can have something both together and asked it was brought to our house so we could all enjoy him receiving it and starting to use it... all fine and agreed.
However he was taken to their house and 'accidentally' given the gift and then taken out to use it for the first time... I know it sounds ridiculous but I'm devastated.
I thought I had done well to lay out what I would like to make it fair on everyone but although it was said it was fine, she managed to.get exactly what she wanted anyway.
Sorry for the dump but I'm just really upset. He's off out for the day too as I was told they had made plans not asked if that was OK... could someone lend me a back bone please

Not being nosey but do the dc have the same df? With my pfb I was on my own for a while and dm installed herself mentally as another parent not a dgm. When I remarried and ds came along she seemed to cling to dd even more. A long long time before ds got a look in and only after I had words with her about favouritism..

Oh come on OP you need to toughen up here. She is riding roughshod all over you. I’m mean you say he’s off out for the day as she has made plans. Why can’t you just say no. I’m taking both my children to feed the ducks, splash in puddles etc. Notwithstanding the difference in treatment of your children she is dictating what and when to do do things which apparently trump yours needs and wants for your DC.

If you feel uncomfortable having it out with her you need to withdraw and make plans. Just go out, be busy and don’t tell her much. If she asks what you’re doing say I’m taking both the children out and keep being busy. If you don’t stand up for yourself and both of your DC she will walk all over you.

@30degreesandmeltinghere they're both my husbands children. If there was a reason like this I could maybe see a reason?! Not saying its right at all but maybe I could make sense of it.

Thank you @KatherineSiena I know you're right. We did actually have plans that I have booked and paid for. Dd and I just went ourselves. Ds' behaviour since he's been there has been appalling, he's hit me several times despite not having for months before that, not since the last time he stayed. So I'm fairly determined to not let it happen again! Thank you for the straight forward talk though! I appreciate it

I would be very upset about this. The sleepover thing I get, as obviously it's easier to have an older kid to stay over but the rest is out of order. My DM dotes on both my children the same and I would be put out if she showed an obvious preference

That is a really difficult situation. Could you speak to MIL about how it appears and that you want them to be treated the same? She may not even realise. Things like this are really upsetting, my two are grown up now, MIL has always had a soft spot for DS2, and very much how you describe, DS2 would stay overnight with MIL in school hols etc. DS1 wouldn’t have wanted to, in any case, but I genuinely can’t remember a time it was offered. This year DS2 celebrated a special birthday, received a birthday card and phone call on the day, DS1 birthday this week, no card, no phone call. DS1 saying to me but she remembered DS2 birthday, what can you say?

Crikey, that’s even worse that you had pre-booked/paid for plans. As you’re seeing bad behaviour from your son you can see a direct consequence of your DM indulging him.

Seriously just be very busy, even if you are just busy indoors. Tell your DM far less about your plans. What does your DH say? Can’t you get him to step in and take your son out more too and spend time with one on one. Really mix it up, do some individual things with the children and plenty of nuclear family time.

You sound absolutely terrified of her.
Terrified.
It's a bit chilling to read OP.
I'm so sorry.

Your son hitting you after being with her would indicate that she could be poison in his ear about you.

She sounds well capable of it.

She does not respect you or your boundaries.

I think you should tell her after her completely disrespecting the gift and your day out that you are stepping back COMPLETELY from her.

You can tell your son that his grandmother hasn't been behaving in a kind wzy and we will not be seeing her.

I think allowing someone you are so terrified of to have access to your child is completely wrong.

If you can't standvup for yourself, as a mother you HAVE do what's best for your child.

Where is your husband in this?

You need his support and for him to stand by you.

She is very controlling and things will NEVER improve.

Step back and protect your children.

You need to put a stop on this now. She treats them equally or not at all. This is not on regardless if one is younger they should get as equal attention and gifts as possible. If she can’t manage both at the same time she takes them in turn. If she can’t afford to buy gifts for both she buys for none.

I'm concerned about your DS more than your DD actually.

Behind closed doors, is she really the lovely doting grandma or is she abusing him psychologically or emotionally.

She has no regard for your feelings at all, she very likely has no regard for your son's feelings either. Maybe he likes the toys and treats, but something about the visits unsettles or disturbs him.

I would stop them having either of your children. Be honest, say he comes home aggressive and it's not good for him. Get you DH on side too.

Trust your gut on this one.
I wouldn't allow obvious favoritism between my DC. DC can be spoilt by DGP within reason if it is causing DS to come home grumpy and aggressive I'd have a word.
You don't owe your DM this relationship.

Please @Alittlelost0 grow a backbone and put a stop to this. She’s acting as though she owns your child and is entitled to control over your family life. PP have made some good points and some very good suggestions. There’s something very wrong about the way she treats you and your family, and it goes way beyond favouring one child over the other. If DS comes home so aggressive he hits you, something is wrong.

OK, I really hear you. My mum used to change the goalposts a lot too, I could never get anything right. She would also gift the expensive showy presents to my child, stealing my thunder. The turning point for me was realising how my anxiety about my mum was affecting my own relationship with my child. I HAD to put them first.

Going NC was the best thing I have ever done. It was HARD, but i have never regretted it.

The favouritism is so so damaging to your children. If you don't stand up for them, who will?

I think it would be a good idea for you to have a think about what you would like your boundaries to be, and what the rules regarding YOUR children should be. Then tell her very clearly that she must respect these if she wants to continue to be part of their lives.

Good luck!

I think stop all sole charge care. See her as a family or not at all. And reduce it to 4 or 5 times a year. He should not be coming back and being aggressive. That implies something inappropriate is going on. Probably emotional manipulation. You can stop it now, for the sake of your son. He is actually the one most at risk of being damaged by this, even though your daughter's the one being left out. At least she isn't exposed to the toxic behaviour.

We have an element of this in our family. The relative in question likes to pretend to be the mother and is always getting the child to say that she prefers her to other family members. That combined with non stop sugary foods and screens leads to bad behaviour when the child gets home.

@KatherineSiena

Oh come on OP you need to toughen up here. She is riding roughshod all over you. I’m mean you say he’s off out for the day as she has made plans. Why can’t you just say no. I’m taking both my children to feed the ducks, splash in puddles etc. Notwithstanding the difference in treatment of your children she is dictating what and when to do do things which apparently trump yours needs and wants for your DC.

If you feel uncomfortable having it out with her you need to withdraw and make plans. Just go out, be busy and don’t tell her much. If she asks what you’re doing say I’m taking both the children out and keep being busy. If you don’t stand up for yourself and both of your DC she will walk all over you.

This is really good advice - completely agree.

You are the parent. She is not. Your child shouldn’t be taken out of your or your husband’s care by any other relative, unless you agree and it is right for the child. You need to be much stronger with her here OP! Not just accept it!