Page 2 | Panic attacks driving on the motorway - how do I get past this?

TulisaIsBrill · 04/06/2021 20:42

Please don’t do it if you’re not comfortable with it, or at least until you are. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for other road users to have a panicking driver.

I just encountered a very nervous driver with L plates doing 45 mph in the outside lane of the M11 causing utter chaos. They wanted to move back but seemed petrified to do so. I felt sorry for them but equally couldn’t understand why the hell they were there!

Newkitchen123 · 04/06/2021 20:46

I had similar but with me it was buses coaches etc.
I went on the bus to my nearest city on the one that stops every couple of minutes. I had someone with me.
Get on the motorway and get off at the next junction. With someone with you in case you need to swap drivers. Do this a few times. Don't even get straight back on, go back the non motorway route. The next time do it the other way round. Then try two junctions
I had panic attacks for a few years and they can dominate your life, if you let them.
I still prefer to sit on the end at the theatre or cinema or anywhere where there's a row

GoldenOmber · 04/06/2021 21:05

Is there no other route you could use? Appreciate it might be a lot slower and more of a faff staying off motorways, but if the alternative is dangerous for you and other road users then surely it’s your best bet.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/06/2021 21:34

I’m a shit and nervous driver

But once ON a motorway it’s easy
No gears to change

Have you done a trail run in a
Local A road to start with ?

It’s tiring yes but way less anxiety than driving across a city

looptheloopinahulahoop · 04/06/2021 21:47

OP why does not going on a motorway stop you visiting your mother? There must be other routes, even if they take a lot longer. Getting around London can be awkward without using the M25 but it's doable and can be done efficiently by train if you live near London and she's the other side. Away from London, you can definitely avoid motorways. And actually it can be very interesting, you find lots of places you didn't know existed.

Miseryl · 04/06/2021 22:26

I find it terrify

Miseryl · 04/06/2021 22:27

Motorway driving is actually very easy once you get more experience of it. Have some lessons with a suitable instructor. Ignore my other post! It was in error!

Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 00:07

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions and kindness.

I appreciate the people who've said they feel the same - just makes me feel a bit less stupid.

I could do it without motorways but it turns a 5 hour trip into a 7.5 hour trip, which comes with its own stresses. Honestly I'm not sure I could drive for 7.5 hours.

The reason I really want to be able to do it is that I hate having to rely on my husband (as lovely as he is). I hate that I'm not independent in this way. I also have a problem every time work announce an 'away day' or something as I try to work out how to get there. It causes me so much stress! I do drive on a few dual carriageways in my local area but I know them well and it's only for a short stretch each time like under 10 minutes. I have been able to extend this - for example when my son was a baby I had to ask DH to take him to hospital when the GP sent us to A&E as I couldn't manage the road but I've since taken the kids to appointments there and recently my DH had to go to hospital and I took him, no problem, and then went to the hospital loads of times. So I am capable of improvement but it's hard.

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Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 00:13

@Ermmmmname

Some people just don’t drive on the motorway. But since you want to fix it you could try advance driving courses such as the motorway or try smaller similar roads such as B and A roads then work your way up. Try different distances. Wait until you’re comfortable (as you can be) on that road before you move up to one you’d find more difficult. Also try and find quieter times, Waze is quite good for that.

Thanks, I'll have to look up 'Waze'.

Familiarity is really huge for me. If I have to do a route I often go on Google maps and literally walk through the route to 'see' the roads. I find it so reassuring to know how long a big road is going to last and see familiar landmarks. So I can do dual carriageways between my home and office (though lockdown has knocked that a bit) but if I encountered an identical road in a different place I'd feel very nervous as I don't know it.

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Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 00:14

[quote MWNA]Sounds like what you actually have is agoraphobia. I have it too. Same symptoms.

Agoraphobia is a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn't be available if things go wrong. Many people assume agoraphobia is simply a fear of open spaces, but it's actually a more complex condition.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/agoraphobia/overview/[/quote]
Yes, I've come to this conclusion before too. I definitely have general anxiety too as there are other things that freak me out (health... ) but this area is the one I find hardest to crack. I can rationalise away a lot of the other anxiety but I cannot stop that 'trapped' feeling.

I wish I knew how to overcome it.

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Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 00:19

@RedHelenB

If you tell yourself you can pull off at the next junction or even onto the hard shoulder? Surely it's the same as any other road, you can't just stop when you want moat of the time that you drive?

You're right, most of the time you can't just stop dead, though I think on smaller roads there's generally a way to pull in. Not that I ever, EVER do! It's so bloody annoying. I'm a perfectly good driver. Even though I hate overtaking and narrow streets (not great depth perception) I don't hesitate to drive around towns at all. It just seems like an awfully long time between junctions on the motorway.

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blahblahblah321 · 05/06/2021 00:26

@CarPanic

I've had general anxiety basically forever, including as a child. It's been very bad at times but is just who I am/how my body works. I take anti-anxiety medication every day and have had two rounds of very successful CBT, which means I can live a pretty normal life. I have a good job, great kids, nice husband, friends etc. I've been quite 'well' for years now, though as I said I am on betablockers and I 'manage' situations with CBT strategies/self talk and am often aware of internally defusing triggers etc.

The situations I find hardest to manage are ones where I feel trapped - either because I can't leave without embarrassing myself (e.g. speaking in a meeting, sitting somewhere 'fenced in' by others, being at a dinner party with a small number of people) or because I physically can't leave, e.g. being on a fairground ride or driving on the motorway. The first category, with hard work I can manage. The second category I also work hard to deal with but I bloody CANNOT drive on the motorway. I really need to, as I can't go and visit my mum without my husband driving me. He's very supportive and understands, but I want to be able to do it.

But how can you get past doing something when it's actually really dangerous to be fighting a panic attack or even having a panic attack at 70 miles per hour?! No matter how good I feel I've become at dealing with my anxiety, as soon as I turn onto a road (even a dual carriageway) where there's nowhere to pull over, I absolutely spiral. I hate it and am so annoyed with myself for it but can't seem to stop it. I've tried doing busier roads/one junction on the motorway and it's really scary and frankly dangerous. I've had a driving licence for 12 years and drive every day locally though I don't really enjoy it. People don't understand why this 'trapped/can't pull over' thing scares me as they say 'just drive in a straight line, why would you need to pull over?' and they're right, but the feeling that I can't stop genuinely terrifies me.

Help! Any strategies or any advice would be so welcome. Or maybe people think that this is just my limit and I'll never be able to do it?

Bloody hell, I could have written exactly the same post, inc how long I've been driving for!

I don't know the answer - if I did, I wouldn't be the way I am- but I totally understand. My issue is exactly that, I can't cope with anything that I can't escape from - in particular I can't do it without embarrassing myself. I've been like it for about 10 years, after a massive panic attack, and I feel this is it for me . I'd love to see a way out of it, but I can't. As time has gone on, more and more things are becoming an issue, although I've also managed to crack a few things too which has been great

Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 00:26

Just looked up my route to Mum's with an 'avoid motorways' option ticked and a lot of the roads look like pretty big dual carriageways. So I wonder if it would just be a much longer drive with just as much stress. Urgh I hate this. I hate feeling dependent and that there's something I can't do, especially when so many people do it without a second thought.

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Notagain20 · 05/06/2021 06:38

@CarPanic

Just looked up my route to Mum's with an 'avoid motorways' option ticked and a lot of the roads look like pretty big dual carriageways. So I wonder if it would just be a much longer drive with just as much stress. Urgh I hate this. I hate feeling dependent and that there's something I can't do, especially when so many people do it without a second thought.

Just keep practicing, OP, drive on dual carriageways for a bit longer each time then do some on the motorway when it's quiet. You need to build up your confidence with "graded exposure" rather than constantly running images in your head of panicking on the long journey to your parents!

And definitely have a couple of motorway lessons, such a good investment in your independence and confidence

Original poster

CarPanic · 05/06/2021 09:19

Thank you for all the replies.

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Thehawki · 05/06/2021 09:32

The dual carriageways that you’re okay on for ten minutes, can you try extending the time every day for a week? Make a point to get from ten minutes to thirty. It might be a slow process but you need to build up the confidence in yourself. Can you take your husband with you to drive to your mums a few times too? He can deal with directions then and you’re not alone. I really will suggest asking a nice driving instructor to help you build up your confidence. Do you know anyone that knows a good one around you? An hour a week will help you feel more confident. I’m sure that if you put your mind to it, no matter how long it takes, you will get there OP. Baby steps for now but you’ll be okay x

Tereseta · 05/06/2021 09:37

I had this and used duel carriageways where there are generally lay bys. In the end though I gave up driving as my doctor was unwilling to help. Wish I had known about that drug back then.
I stopped driving as I didn't feel safe, still get the panic rising in busy restaurants and in work meetings.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 05/06/2021 09:39

Some people just don’t drive on the motorway.

Yes. I have friend who is generally a good driver but never has and never will drive on motorways. She’s just not comfortable doing it. I don’t blame her really.
I’m too scared to drive at all so you’re doing well!

Pinkdelight3 · 05/06/2021 09:53

I don't drive on motorways. Sure it takes longer, but I actively like the slower roads and seeing how the towns all link together rather than being trapped on the concrete hellscape. If you can't fix your phobia, adjust your MO to make it more doable. Work out a route that isn't dual carriageways (there will be one, look a map and find B roads rather than using the apps which will always favour swift routes even avoiding highways) and add a nice overnight stay on the way if needs be. Don't make your life unnecessarily hard or put anyone else's life at risk.

namechanged984630 · 05/06/2021 09:54

Some terrible advice on this thread to avoid situations which make anxiety worse, the exact opposite of what you should do. Sounds like you've had loads of panics on the motorway. You've not crashed. It's fine. Do it more often, and it'll go away. This is the gold standard treatment for this.

Pinkdelight3 · 05/06/2021 10:05

"Do it more often, and it'll go away."

Or you'll black out and crash and die. One or the other. Exaggerating to make a point, but surely "gold standard treatment" involves a something other than just doing it more. On all those threads about women with anxiety about intimate medical examinations, no one tells them to just keep doing it more and it'll be fine. Because anxiety is a real thing with physical symptoms and just carrying on is often simply not possible.

blahblahblah321 · 05/06/2021 10:09

I "cracked" some of my anxieties by just pushing myself to do it more and more, but I wouldn't risk doing that with something that if it went wrong it would be dangerous...

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2021 10:30

I ended up very afraid of motorway driving after being a passenger in a motorway collision. It wasn't the fault of the person driving me. Prior to that, I'd been fine but the crash left me terrified of both driving and being a passenger on the motorway.

I knew I needed to get passed it though. I enlisted the help of my Dad as he is a HGV driver and wasn't involved in the crash. You could enlist your husband or someone else but whoever it is needs to be patient.

We started with me being a passenger while my Dad drove -quiet times at first, building up to busier times. As you are ok as a passenger, you could skip this.

We then moved on to me driving. We started off going early on Sunday morning when it was quiet. Literally joined on one junction and came off at the next. Then on at one junction, to a service station that was a little further but not quite two junctions. Then two junctions and so on. Once I was ok when it was quiet, we built up to busier times. Remember, you don't have to zoom along at 70mph in the outside lane. Stick left and centre if that's easier (albeit slower!).

It took a while but I am proud to say that 3 years ago, I drove halfway to Cornwall (about 150 miles) on the motorway managed it again the year after and will do the same this year.

I'm now at a stage where I'd rather drive on the motorway than be a passenger as not being in control panics me.

Start very small and build up. Perhaps using a driving instructor may help if you can afford it as they have dual controls which may help you feel more at ease at first.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 05/06/2021 11:16

@namechanged984630

Some terrible advice on this thread to avoid situations which make anxiety worse, the exact opposite of what you should do. Sounds like you've had loads of panics on the motorway. You've not crashed. It's fine. Do it more often, and it'll go away. This is the gold standard treatment for this.

That sounds like utter rubbish to me.

murbblurb · 05/06/2021 11:52

UK motorways are now much less safe due to the 'smart' campaign, so a panicked driver not paying proper attention is a really high risk. This isn't New Zealand and there are plenty of alternative routes from a to b, so the op needs to use those.