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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think maybe I'm asking too much

36 replies

Fattyfatfats · 04/06/2021 17:17

A few days ago I said to dp could we go out for a drive just us as we haven't been out as a couple in about 4 years just us without dd, we've had a lot of problems and I really felt it would be nice to get dressed up go for a drive and be able to talk just us ( my mum offered to have dd for a few hours ) I asked him and his response was we could talk we don't need dd out the way! Can I just say she's defo not in the way I just felt it would be nice to go out like most couples do, we haven't in 4 years! We have had huge issues with his mum interfering and generally not very nice to me which has caused a lot of issues in the relationship anyway instead of going out for a drive we've had a huge argument because his mum is coming over tonight, he plays football 3 times a week and runs on a Sunday, he has just said to me that it's only fair he does his sport as it's for his health and fitness and doesn't see any wrong it it, but here's where maybe I'm asking too much - I've asked to be taken for a drive once in 4 years and he can't even do that! When am I supposed to do my fitness if I want to do a run etc I have to get up extra early to go and even then I have a time limit, I feel so worthless it's not that I want dd out the way I just wanted to go for an evening drive just being us instead I've got to suffer a migraine and chest pains because his mother says really awful things and he pretends not to hear it, I don't feel like an adult nor a person worthy of normal things people do in life ! I've been with him 11 years and we're not even engaged and I've had to beg for us to have more children and he is still telling me we have to wait till the end of the month ! Am I asking too much? He says I get to do what I like in the day but it would be nice to also be treated as a person not just a mummy and house keeper xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2021 17:20

For fuck's sake, get away from this man. Your relationship is horrible, your partner doesn't respect or value you at all, and it is obvious you are miserable. Life is too short to live this way.

StellaLeonte · 04/06/2021 17:21

You’re not asking too much, he sounds as if he takes you for granted.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 17:21

I don’t understand why when he treats you so badly and like just a “mummy and housekeeper” are you begging him to habe more kids?

Don’t get me wrong, going for a drive seems fairly pointless to me too. Would have been better to go for a drink, coffee, glass of wine, cola whatever or something to eat, rather than driving aimlessly.

I just don’t get when it’s so bad you’re staying in and begging for more babies?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/06/2021 17:23

Christ. You really don’t think much of yourself, do you? Sad

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 17:25

Please don't have any more kids with this man

Fattyfatfats · 04/06/2021 17:46

@SmidgenofaPigeon no not at the moment I don't I'm very over weight and have no confidence and feel like I'm in the way.

Should have added it took me 3 plus years to conceive my dd so I'm worried if I don't try soon it might never happen

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 17:54

[quote Fattyfatfats]@SmidgenofaPigeon no not at the moment I don't I'm very over weight and have no confidence and feel like I'm in the way.

Should have added it took me 3 plus years to conceive my dd so I'm worried if I don't try soon it might never happen [/quote]
Why would you want to tie yourself to this man any more than you have already?

Elieza · 04/06/2021 17:55

Do not breed again with this man.

He does not behave like he loves and respects you or indeed gives a damn about your wishes. He takes you for granted while he gets time to get out and have hobbies and you don’t.

That coupled with his mother makes me think this relationship is dead in the water.

It seems like you are just a piece of the furniture. Always there. No feelings or dreams. Just there.

Why do you value yourself so little that you are with him?
Why are you having children with him?

Just lots of Why’s.

You deserve better than this.

Imnothereforthedrama · 04/06/2021 18:00

When your partner starts treating you with lack of respect and consideration and doesn’t give too hoots to what you want then the relationship is dead. Get out !!!

Mugsen · 04/06/2021 18:08

If he won't spend time with you and doesn't stand up for you when his family are not nice, it's probably time to build a new life for yourself and dd. He is being very disrespectful.

Fattyfatfats · 04/06/2021 18:15

It does feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me, he would rather play football and when we are home in bed together or whatever he's checking the football scores or footballs on the telly, if I don't go to family events his mum kicks off majorly and says I'm ripping the family apart, even though it's not suitable as we don't eat out I get bad stomach every time and dd has allergies so we don't risk it, or they bring the dog who has been known to snap at a child xx

OP posts:
CallMeCleo · 04/06/2021 18:17

You need to leave.

I am really sorry but he isn't going to become nicer over the future years.

Do you want to be treated like shite for the next 30-40 years?

Please, believe that you are WORTH MORE than this!

MadMadMadamMim · 04/06/2021 18:21

The bonus of leaving this prick is that you'll never have to spend time with his mother again.

She sounds a twat and a half.

And the good news is you didn't marry him - so you can just walk away with your DD. Your life will instantly be happier.

NoMoreAngelDelight · 04/06/2021 18:26

Leave the b

HollowTalk · 04/06/2021 18:31

You're overweight because you are comfort-eating, because you are living with a completely selfish horrible twat and his horrible mother is in your life, too. Don't even think of having another baby with this man.

If you prefer to do it this way, start to exercise, eat sensibly and stop drinking or whatever your weakness is. Bide your time and when you have more confidence, leave then.

shivawn · 04/06/2021 18:37

That's a really dirty situation to be in OP I'm sorry. Were things always like this? Before your DD? I think you need to start considering your options, no one deserves to be treated like this by their partner.

shivawn · 04/06/2021 18:38

I typed really shitty situation in my comment above and my phone autocorrected in to dirty so it reads weird now ! 🤦‍♀️

AlmostSummer21 · 04/06/2021 18:44

Dear Lord. Why are you staying.

Your DD is at a good age (I presume she's around 4?) for you to start living your life a bit more freely. She'll presumably be starting school this year (maybe next). You could get a part time job and have a lovely life with football head & nasty MIL.

In time you'll meet someone else for you & DD to be a family with and have more children.

He treats you like crap, don't stick around for this the rest of your life! It doesn't matter how long you've BEEN together, what matters is your life going forward!!

Don't be a fool & stay with this plank!!

Watermelon99 · 04/06/2021 18:45

It sounds like you're not feeling listened to at home - that must be really hard. From your message it's hard to tell whether this is very normal 'crap bloke' stuff (in my experience even the good ones have big blind spots and need to be told quite clearly and repeatedly how to show care) or whether he's not really a kind person.

How do you feel about the relationship? Is there potential to work on the problems, or do you think he won't ever change and the dynamic will always be like this? If you tell him calmly that you want things to be better, does he show concern and seem willing to try and make changes?

Those kind of calm, honest conversations about the relationship are challenging, and it takes practice to advocate for yourself in a calm, confident way. It might be useful to try and work on your own confidence as part of this too as it sounds like you're really suffering on that front. Try therapy (NHS or a charity one like Mind, or private if you can afford it) or self-help books maybe? You are not 'in the way', you are the centre of your family's universe, and most people are overweight - it's how you feel about it that matters, not the number on the scales. Of course it isn't easy to suddenly become Ms Super-Confident but even little improvements would probably leave you feeling loads better, and would empower you to take control in your relationships too.

Good luck! I hope you find your own way to a happier situation, whatever that may be. You deserve it.

SadieCow · 05/06/2021 06:21

Do not have another child with him!

custardbear · 05/06/2021 06:32

The evenings he's not playing football, you get yourself out with friends, out exercising and just getting away from the mother housekeeper, it'll help build your confidence, it'll also make your boyfriend see you're not just that mum cleaner person. If MIL says anything untoward, have some answers like what do you mean by that, or well that's quite rude, or I BEG your pardon etc ...
get your own identity back, build up your confidence and pride in yourself, if boyfriend doesn't change if time to bin him off for a decent bloke
You'll likely find that if you're slightly aloof too, doing new things, just for you, he'll come running

AutumnOrange · 05/06/2021 06:54

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody?msgid=33137198

Read this thread OP. Read it. Remember it. Recite it to yourself.

rainbowstardrops · 05/06/2021 08:44

Please don't have another child with him because he clearly couldn't give a shit about you. Sorry.
Get yourself away with your DD and start being happy. Good luck.

Fattyfatfats · 06/06/2021 02:25

So after a long conversation last night he said let's have the children we both want we best get cracking and im sure he said we should stop using condoms- so tonight we go to bed and he wears a fucking condom after getting my hopes up yday !! Sorry had to Come on here and vent I'm so upset that he would do that !

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 06/06/2021 02:33

You’re not listening to anyone, are you, OP?

Why do you want more children with someone who sees you as the nanny and housekeeper?