Marriage and male friends

[Opal93]

Why do so many people think that when you have a husband/wife you can no longer socialise with the opposite sex? I was out last weekend and ended up bumping into an old male class mate. We chatted and all had a drink and a laugh, no flirting/inn appropriateness, and he added me on social media. We started catching up, still no flirting or anything out of order, just general chat about what each other does now, and I said I’m married 4 years and he said oh right, I shouldn’t be talking to you then! Is it wrong to message a male platonically when you are married?

Well no, but that guy didn't know you were married and, I think, was hoping for a bit more than just a friendly chit chat

Nothing wrong with platonic friendships but it looks like he wanted more.

Clearly he is desperately in love with you. Is that what you were hoping for?

PurpleDaisies no I was hoping that an old group of friends could socialise again without feeling like they are doing something wrong

Why do you feel like you did something wrong?

Erm, the only weird thing is his reaction.

Perhaps he doesnt like his women talking to other men and wonder why your man isn't territorial

oh right, I shouldn’t be talking to you then!

It sounds like you're assuming he meant this in a social commentary way. Ie. We shouldn't be talking if you're married cause of how it's perceived.

But I feel similarly to previous posters. I read it as, he was potentially interested and has realised that's off the cards now and/or is testing the waters.

For what it's worth I do think people can have platonic relationships with people who are the gender they are attracted to. But (being heterosexual) personally I wouldn't invest in new friendships with men now I'm married/in a long term relationship. I have plenty of male friends, particularly as I work in a male dominated industry. But I just don't want to risk inviting any drama into my life (ie. I have absolutely no worries from my side, but I could never fully guarantee their intentions were the same as mine).

I think so many people feel uneasy about it because there is so much potential for it to develop into more than just a friendship. It's not just opposite sex either. Same sex couples can be jealous of same sex friendships too.
Affairs happen A LOT! and it usually starts out with a friendship. You can never trust anyone 100%, that's just life, and anyone that does is naive.

From his reaction I'd say he was hoping for more than a platonic catch up.

I have 2 male friends that I socialise with. One is long term single and has been in all the years I've known him, the other in a long term relationship with a child but we only met last year.

My husband is funny about the second one because he thinks the first is gay and the only reason he's funny about it is because he's a man which means he's going to proposition me at some point and I'll obviously be too feeble to say no..m

Don't care anymore, they are both my friends, I'll socialise with them when I want. They aren't close friends, wouldn't be telling them my deepest darkest secrets or going on holiday with but we have a great friendship for drinks/lunch/shopping with or without the kids.

I'm open with the friendships just as I am with the female ones. I tell my husband I'm seeing them as part of general conversation and mention their names because I've spoken to them about something.

I did give up a male friend a long time ago because my husband (then boyfriend) was funny about it but we weren't particularly good friends and I think he did have an ulterior motive. I wouldn't have given up my other male friend for anything, he really was one of my best friend's but after Uni life got in the way and we drifted apart as people do.

In short men and women can be friends.

I have loads of male friends on my FB from both school and work and none of them have ever taken that attitude?

It does sound as though he was testing the water/trying to chat you up.

It's completely fine, but I think in this situation he wanted more and was disappointed to discover you are married.

I find it a bit odd that you bumped in to an old school mate, all decided to spend time together, having a drink and so forth, and during that time, you didn't mention that you were married. Did that slip your mind ?

If I bumped into someone I'd net seen for a few years the things that would likely be covered within 10mins or so are where you live, what work you are doing, your relationship status , and if you have dc.

So it seems odd to me that you spent that time together, drinking and chatting, and you went for connecting on SM, but that some days and some chats later before you think to mention that you were married.

I mean, to answer your question, I don't have any issue with married people having friends of the other sex. I've only seen it mentioned as an issue through reading MN, I don't see it in my life or social circles. However, I do think it odd that it slipped your mind.

@Opal93

PurpleDaisies no I was hoping that an old group of friends could socialise again without feeling like they are doing something wrong

Yeah but by his reaction it's very clear his intention was that he wanted more than chit chat and catching up... otherwise he would have just said 'oh nice' or whatever

You did nothing wrong. It seems to me that he had intentions with u, and backed out when he realised u weren't available. Platonic friends are obviously fine, any partner that doesn't allow it is showing major red flags!!

@BackforGood

I find it a bit odd that you bumped in to an old school mate, all decided to spend time together, having a drink and so forth, and during that time, you didn't mention that you were married. Did that slip your mind ?

If I bumped into someone I'd net seen for a few years the things that would likely be covered within 10mins or so are where you live, what work you are doing, your relationship status , and if you have dc.

So it seems odd to me that you spent that time together, drinking and chatting, and you went for connecting on SM, but that some days and some chats later before you think to mention that you were married.

I mean, to answer your question, I don't have any issue with married people having friends of the other sex. I've only seen it mentioned as an issue through reading MN, I don't see it in my life or social circles. However, I do think it odd that it slipped your mind.

Actually that's a very good point.

Every old school friend I've ever bumped into, the conversation goes "So what are you up to now?" and the answer normally covers what they do for a living, whether they're married or have kids etc and where they live.

@BackforGood

I find it a bit odd that you bumped in to an old school mate, all decided to spend time together, having a drink and so forth, and during that time, you didn't mention that you were married. Did that slip your mind ?

If I bumped into someone I'd net seen for a few years the things that would likely be covered within 10mins or so are where you live, what work you are doing, your relationship status , and if you have dc.

So it seems odd to me that you spent that time together, drinking and chatting, and you went for connecting on SM, but that some days and some chats later before you think to mention that you were married.

I mean, to answer your question, I don't have any issue with married people having friends of the other sex. I've only seen it mentioned as an issue through reading MN, I don't see it in my life or social circles. However, I do think it odd that it slipped your mind.

That's exactly what I was thinking!

I have a good male friend I went to school with. We’ve been out together quite a few times. I rarely tell other people because they’re always suspicious. Now really are just mates though. My husband doesn’t have a problem with it so I have no idea why others do.

What do the people who think YABU and married people shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex think married bisexual people are supposed to do? Give up all friendships once they get married? If not, why is that different?

No it's not wrong to have opposite gendered friends when married but just because you thought it was platonic doesn't mean he did. He might have been interested in hooking up but was taking it slow, when he heard you were married he might have felt disapointed especially if you hadn't mentioned your husband in the time you were catching up and having a drink. (Usually you'd mention big life events like that).

Also wondering why it took so long for it to come up that you were married...

Unless one of them is gay, I don’t think man/woman friendships can usually be entirely platonic. Although one party may think, or like to think, that that’s the case.
I know a dd has belatedly found that what she thought was platonic was not seen as such by the (hopeful) other party.

It can get a mite awkward....

Opposite sex friendships can defintely be entirely platonic. I’m living proof of it, and no my male friends don’t secretly fancy me. 😂

However in some instances yes, one can want more. But what rhe op describes isn’t some good friend. The bloke didn’t even know she was married.

Completely disagree @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I'm in my mid 50s and have plenty of friends who are men. Some of them I've known only from recent years and some I've known for 40 years+ (longer than dh).
Dh also has friends who are female.
As do plenty of people I know.
This isn't some sort of one specific person, it's just normal.