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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I get out of this wedding?

37 replies

vodafoneuk · 03/06/2021 20:17

I met a woman through my ex (they weren't especially friendly but worked together) and we became friends. When me and my ex split up I still kept in touch with the woman and would meet up periodically. She invited me to the full day of her wedding.

However, we ended up just drifting and so didn't speak for a year. We still have each other on social media, nothing happened just stopped making an effort with each other. I just assumed that I would no longer be going to the wedding which is next month.

However, last week I got a message out of the blue from her along the lines of, 'hey how are you? What have you been doing? Just checking you're still coming to my wedding?' So I responded saying that I would have loved to go but I understand with numbers etc if she couldn't have me there. She read it and never responded.

I then messaged her again a couple of days later making conversation and asking if she was excited for her big day. She read and never responded. I then text her again this morning and said, 'I haven't heard back from you, not sure if you're worried about numbers but I really won't be offended if you would rather I don't come due to Covid numbers, please don't worry about that'. She read and didn't respond.

I really don't want to go to this wedding as I haven't seen or spoken to her in a year (other than these texts) and also there will be no one there I know. I also don't want to be rude and just not show up if she's expecting me but she's just not responding so I really don't know where I stand.

What can I do in this situation?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 03/06/2021 20:19

You have to use the words "sorry, i won't be there." as a definite instead of wishy washy as you have been. Just say it, what's the worst that could happen?

bonfireheart · 03/06/2021 20:20

Yep be direct. Also with numbers allowed still low, it's weird for her to invite you. But if you let her know, she can at least ask someone else.

coffeerose · 03/06/2021 20:22

She asked if you were going and you said you'd love to...but you're telling us you don't want to. Why didn't you just refuse initially? You've created this scenario totally and now you're offended that she has ignored you.
Beggars belief really.

Moonshine11 · 03/06/2021 20:22

As above just be honest, because what you’ve said to her is making out your trying to get out of it but wanting her to say it, if that makes sense haha!
But I would feel same as you, no contact for so long it would be weird!

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/06/2021 20:23

You’re not being clear. You needed to have said you won’t be able to come.

LagunaBubbles · 03/06/2021 20:27

Why on earth didn't you just reply no you weren't going?

Pinkdelight3 · 03/06/2021 20:29

Unfortunately you've ended up looking more rude by not being clear. Isn't it worse to make it a blatant fib by texting three times that you'd love to come but actually you desperately want to be uninvited? Why put it on her? It's you who changed your mind. Most people haven't seen each other for a year so that's not a great reason. She said she hope you were still going, not that she couldn't have you there due to numbers. If it's not too late, I'd confirm attendance and go on the basis that low expectations can lead to a better time. But if you hardline don't want to, you've made it very hard to wriggle out of by pretending that you want to. To back out now, you'd have to be comfortable not only with looking rude but by showing you lied.

SmokeyDevil · 03/06/2021 20:36

I think she's had a lot of people drop out and is onto list b, c d etc of guests she could invite to make up numbers. Hence why she is not answering you now that youve basically said no.

Sh05 · 03/06/2021 20:51

You've put her on the spot to say she doesn't have space for you that's why she's not replying.
Message her one last time to politely decline the invite and wish her the best of luck for the big day.
You'll both be relieved, you don't want to go and she doesn't want to seem rude and revoke your invitation.

cookiecreampie · 03/06/2021 21:50

Just don't go, she won't expect you now after that reply anyway. But if she does get back in touch, tell her you can't go.

Elouera · 03/06/2021 21:58

Why didn't you reply when you got the invite with a 'Thank you, but no I won't be attending? She is now clearly having to chase you to see IF you are coming or not? I can barely understand what you are saying from your wishy washy reply, but you clearly don't want to go, so why drag her on???

YOU are being rude and unreasonable to a bride who has likely had to clearly work out every, single guest number during a pandemic, and possibly changed her wedding plans several times!!! Just be clear and decline the invite, then she can invite someone who does want to go!

unfortunateevents · 03/06/2021 21:59

You say she invited you to the wedding but that was a year ago, do you have an actual invitation and even know the location and time of the wedding? Texting you to check that you are attending a year later seems a bit casual. I agree that you need to message and politely say you won't be attending, if you knew her through your ex and haven't seen her in a year it sounds like a friendship that is pretty much over anyway.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/06/2021 22:07

Actually, I think its her that's been really weird. I think it was a bit ott to send 3 messages, but I think the first text you sent was fine. She doesn't know that you don't want to go. I think its quite considerate to text and say bot to worry if she wants to keep your place for someone else due to restricted numbers. I bet a lot of people trying to organise weddings have been really stressed trying not to offered anyone by uninviting them to their wedding.

BlueDucky · 03/06/2021 22:10

Either decline or accept. Clearly.

BlueDucky · 03/06/2021 22:11

Not sure why she is ignoring you now though. Is she still active on social media? Maybe something has happened and wedding is off.

grandiflora · 03/06/2021 22:15

I think you’ve done all you can! Bit surprised at some of your replies, “I’d have loved to come” sounds like a kind way of letting someone down gently to me. If you hear nothing more I’d not worry about it; think she has the message.

WhitePhantom · 03/06/2021 22:18

I think you've been quite rude, as you are blatantly trying to make her uninvite you! I'm sure she can see that quite clearly.

BackforGood · 03/06/2021 22:23

This ^

I mean, none of us have seen most of our friends for a year - that on it's own isn't any reflection of how close you are to someone.

But, if you didn't want to go, you have been given the invitation on a plate to say so - you could have used all sorts of reasons from "I assumed due to numbers you wouldn't be able to have friends anymore and am now unavailable" or "Sorry, I'm not yet comfortable going to such a function" or "No, sorry I am not able to come anymore" - without any reason given, but you've faffed about saying you'd love to

MouseInCatsClaws · 03/06/2021 22:31

I think your reply was perfectly fine and its odd and rude that she hasnt replied

Brefugee · 04/06/2021 09:10

I work with non-native English speakers. Every couple of months someone shares that matrix with me of "What Brits say, what foreigners hear, what Brits mean"
It is hilarious because it's true. A non-native English speaker would understand PP can't wait to go to the wedding. Even native speakers here aren't entirely sure her replies convey that. As the youth say "use your words"

Herbie0987 · 04/06/2021 09:24

Your response isn’t clear.

TheFlis12345 · 04/06/2021 09:33

Have you actually received an invitation and RSVP’d?

Concestor · 04/06/2021 09:40

She's not responding because you've been so rude! She wanted to check you would be there and you made up some guff about numbers making it reasonably clear (but not properly clear) you don't want to go but trying to make it about her uninviting you when she clearly wants you to go.

You should phone her, apologise for your weird and rude messages, and see what she says.

Bumzoo · 04/06/2021 09:43

She's blanked you three times. You're not going.

Would have been easier to say no i can't make it but have a great day

DeathStare · 04/06/2021 09:43

Send her a card to arrive a couple of weeks ahead of her wedding. In it write a cheery message wishing her well, saying you completely understand that she will have had to reduce numbers and so you couldnt come, and say how much you are looking forward to seeing her photos on social media.

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