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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up and parent EOW for 1 night and special occasions only?

41 replies

TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:12

Because that’s what ExH seems to get away with. I obviously won’t because then she’d have no-one.

DD is 6, 7 at the end of July. Half term here.

I am trying to wfh while DD whinges that she’s too hot, bored, fed up.

I take her out; she ends up crying and screaming which spoils it. I stay in and I get frustrated as I’m trying to work in a tiny flat with no garden to chuck her into.

She refuses to eat, even if I make her something she asks for. We had a two hour tantrum over sausages earlier – the sausages she’d begged me all week to have for food, but then they were in front of her and she didn’t want them. She even chose them from her favourite butchers and told said butcher she couldn’t wait to eat the sausages.

She has some additional needs and her behaviour can mimic a toddlers at times.

I am exhausted. I am done. I am sick of working my backside off around my DD for him to swan in EOW for 24 hours and on all the best days of the year – Christmas, Her Birthday, Father’s Day – to refuse contact between times of seeing her.

I can’t stop him, because we have a CAO which gives him all the best times. 1 night EOW and the special occasions. And you can think again if I get her back in time on Mother's Day to see her properly if it falls on his weekend even though it's in the CAO that I get her that day.

So I think it’d be nice to be considered parent of the year for doing so bloody little. He gets her birthday with her every year; I only gave birth to her, and have the hard slog every weekday. I’ll also pay for her party, all her presents (he’ll claim some of the ones I got are from him to DD and she’ll believe him even if I correct him) and the sweets she’ll take into school for her classmates.

So WIBU to do exactly what ExH does and demand all the best times with DD and never see her for the hard bits?

And as said before I obviously won’t do that, but it bloody stings when she’s kicking off and tells me she hates me.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 03/06/2021 19:16

just jumping in with a hand hold and large glass of wine. It utterly sucks and you're not alone. There really is crap all you can do when the NRP doesn't want to do more short of giving her up to Social Services which obviously isn't going to happen. My only practical suggestions are joining clubs, activities, Rainbows etc so its not all on you to entertain her all the time, if you can afford it!

Littlegoth · 03/06/2021 19:16

Can you go back to court? It seems really unfair that you get none of the special occasions x

Aprilwasverywet · 03/06/2021 19:17

How the hell did he get her birthday every year? I bloody hope you get every Christmas!

Littlegoth · 03/06/2021 19:18

Sorry I know that doesn’t help with your problem, just really feel for you x

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:18

@Littlegoth

Can you go back to court? It seems really unfair that you get none of the special occasions x
I can't afford it, I spent near enough £6k last time fighting him.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:19

@Aprilwasverywet

How the hell did he get her birthday every year? I bloody hope you get every Christmas!
Nope I get her Boxing Day 5pm onwards then it reverts back to normal contact until New Year, I get her every New Year until New Years Day 5pm.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 19:20

You should alternate Christmas and her birthday, you should have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as special days rather than normal contact. Why did you adhere to a CAO which gave him all of the good stuff?

It sounds like you and DD are both having a hard time. You’re struggling to work, she seems to trying to get your attention however she can.

Focussing on how shit he is doesn’t help you with her day to day. What would help apart from doing what he’s doing?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 19:21

You can self represent for a couple of hundred. Or try mediation. It’s obviously a terrible CAO.

Allywill · 03/06/2021 19:22

It’s £215 to submit a c100 application to vary a child arrangement order. I know that can be a lot of money if you are on a budget but it might be worth it in the long run. You don’t need a solicitor - you can represent yourself. Most private family law cases are litigants in person nowadays.

chickenyhead · 03/06/2021 19:22

I can't help you, it is shit. But I can promise you that it will get easier as she gets older. At 6/7 my DDs were daddy, daddy, daddy...soon it will change for the better.

Until then, count, breathe, have some wine xxx

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:24

@AnneLovesGilbert

You can self represent for a couple of hundred. Or try mediation. It’s obviously a terrible CAO.
He was abusive, he was abusive to me in court, in front of the judge and I was told to grow up and do what's best for my DD.

If I hadn't of agreed those days it would of gone before the judge and I didn't like the thought he'd have got those days anyway.

So I gave up all the best days in the hope I'd at least get Mother's Day, I do get her if it falls on my weekend, but if it falls on his my only option is to keep her home the whole weekend which is breaking the order as it says I only have her from 10am Mother's Day not the whole weekend. He pretends he doesn't know what day it is and celebrates another day with his own family, probably delibrately.

OP posts:
DomPom47 · 03/06/2021 19:25

Does he not want to spend more time with his daughter?

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:28

@DomPom47

Does he not want to spend more time with his daughter?
No, he openly boasts about how good a dad he is and how well she's doing because of him. I have asked in front of his parents for him to have her more and he just shrugs and says he's happy with the way things are.
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 03/06/2021 19:30

DomPom47 obviously not. Please don't be all faux naive on threads like this- loads of NRPs are very very happy to basically be a fun uncle instead of an actual parent who had to boring shit like fit work around childcare and find a dentist appointment and oversee homework. Its hardly news.

BestOfABadLot · 03/06/2021 19:31

God I'm pissed off just hearing about him OP. He's basically a fairly nice uncle, not a parent. Everyone can be fun super cool day out guy for 24 hours every fortnight. We'd all have absolutely oads of energy and enthusiasm for that.

itsgettingwierd · 03/06/2021 19:33

Well that's a shit judge that actually allowed it to be said you need to grow up and it's best for dd to spend every birthday and Christmas with the NRP.

Could you see if there's any solicitors who can offer free half hour consult to talk you through self representation.

Do you have a SEN SW? Use the contact website to get template letter of how to get one and ask for their support.

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:33

@HugeAckmansWife

just jumping in with a hand hold and large glass of wine. It utterly sucks and you're not alone. There really is crap all you can do when the NRP doesn't want to do more short of giving her up to Social Services which obviously isn't going to happen. My only practical suggestions are joining clubs, activities, Rainbows etc so its not all on you to entertain her all the time, if you can afford it!
She does activities but they all stop over half term/school holidays.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:35

@itsgettingwierd

Well that's a shit judge that actually allowed it to be said you need to grow up and it's best for dd to spend every birthday and Christmas with the NRP.

Could you see if there's any solicitors who can offer free half hour consult to talk you through self representation.

Do you have a SEN SW? Use the contact website to get template letter of how to get one and ask for their support.

She;s not severe enough for an SN SW.

At school she's behind academically but happy and liked. She occasionally gets told off for talking while the teachers talking or has to be reminded to line up with the other children because her SN means she can forget things, but the teachers have said she's very well managed and very happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:37

@AnneLovesGilbert

You should alternate Christmas and her birthday, you should have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as special days rather than normal contact. Why did you adhere to a CAO which gave him all of the good stuff?

It sounds like you and DD are both having a hard time. You’re struggling to work, she seems to trying to get your attention however she can.

Focussing on how shit he is doesn’t help you with her day to day. What would help apart from doing what he’s doing?

She's absolutely fine when my attention is 100% on her but thats not realistic even if I didn't have to work. Apart from the food issue, where she can get upset about something she's asked for.
OP posts:
KeyboardWorriers · 03/06/2021 19:38

What idiot judge allowed him to get all the special days. That's outrageous! I really feel for you.

Could she not do a holiday club while you work though?

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:42

@KeyboardWorriers

What idiot judge allowed him to get all the special days. That's outrageous! I really feel for you.

Could she not do a holiday club while you work though?

The only one local to us that will take her has a waiting list for places as its the only one running in our town at the moment. She's on it for a place for tomorrow but I doubt she'll get a place and she's back at school Tuesday.
OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 03/06/2021 20:00

I've done it all myself. Twice. Working full time. U can do this. She nearly old enough to turn corner in terms of independence. Hang on in there. Cut yourself some slack. If she doesn't want the sausages, remove them. Dont be fazed. Get some time for u even if only a bath n a book. Be kind to yourself. Xx

forinborin · 03/06/2021 20:05

OP, I feel for you and I can completely relate to the judge / court situation. In my case, our almost 50/50 custody was awarded with weekday overnights from 7 pm to 7 am, to wrap around the nursery... because he worked and did not need / could not make other times. I also worked at the same level of seniority and full time, but yep, all childcare became my expense and my logistical issue. Then took me almost two years to overturn this as he lost interest in this 50/50 arrangement literally a couple of weeks in - once the "devoted dad" dividend stopped paying.

They will get what they ask for and you will be told to grow up and stop creating hostility.

itsgettingwierd · 03/06/2021 20:12

They'll tell you she is t severe enough and it's bollocks. Look at contact website. Every child who has a disability is entitled to a SW.

Original poster
TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 22:44

@forinborin

OP, I feel for you and I can completely relate to the judge / court situation. In my case, our almost 50/50 custody was awarded with weekday overnights from 7 pm to 7 am, to wrap around the nursery... because he worked and did not need / could not make other times. I also worked at the same level of seniority and full time, but yep, all childcare became my expense and my logistical issue. Then took me almost two years to overturn this as he lost interest in this 50/50 arrangement literally a couple of weeks in - once the "devoted dad" dividend stopped paying.

They will get what they ask for and you will be told to grow up and stop creating hostility.

Exactly this, I have long since given up expecting anything back from him.

If I had the energy I'd go back to court, but between working, school runs, general care for DD, keeping on top of her medical stuff and trying to care for myself I don't think I have time let alone energy to fight to get some of the special days. And there's no guarantee I'd A) get them and B) DD wouldn't hate me even more for taking that time away from her father, she lives for those days with him.

OP posts: