Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To give up and parent EOW for 1 night and special occasions only?

41 replies

TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 19:12

Because that’s what ExH seems to get away with. I obviously won’t because then she’d have no-one.

DD is 6, 7 at the end of July. Half term here.

I am trying to wfh while DD whinges that she’s too hot, bored, fed up.

I take her out; she ends up crying and screaming which spoils it. I stay in and I get frustrated as I’m trying to work in a tiny flat with no garden to chuck her into.

She refuses to eat, even if I make her something she asks for. We had a two hour tantrum over sausages earlier – the sausages she’d begged me all week to have for food, but then they were in front of her and she didn’t want them. She even chose them from her favourite butchers and told said butcher she couldn’t wait to eat the sausages.

She has some additional needs and her behaviour can mimic a toddlers at times.

I am exhausted. I am done. I am sick of working my backside off around my DD for him to swan in EOW for 24 hours and on all the best days of the year – Christmas, Her Birthday, Father’s Day – to refuse contact between times of seeing her.

I can’t stop him, because we have a CAO which gives him all the best times. 1 night EOW and the special occasions. And you can think again if I get her back in time on Mother's Day to see her properly if it falls on his weekend even though it's in the CAO that I get her that day.

So I think it’d be nice to be considered parent of the year for doing so bloody little. He gets her birthday with her every year; I only gave birth to her, and have the hard slog every weekday. I’ll also pay for her party, all her presents (he’ll claim some of the ones I got are from him to DD and she’ll believe him even if I correct him) and the sweets she’ll take into school for her classmates.

So WIBU to do exactly what ExH does and demand all the best times with DD and never see her for the hard bits?

And as said before I obviously won’t do that, but it bloody stings when she’s kicking off and tells me she hates me.

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 03/06/2021 23:20

I feel you OP. Although my ex has the kids EOW which is more than yours, I do pretty much everything for them, my working life revolves around them (what choice do I have) yet it’s daddy they are always asking about!

Original poster

TheLongHardSlog · 03/06/2021 23:22

@cadburyegg

ExH has her EOW but for 1 night only so it’s only Saturday and Sunday once a fortnight. By the time I’ve relaxed and had some time to catch my breath it’s almost time to get her again.

OP posts:

ColaOlaLa · 03/06/2021 23:25

My ex didn’t want to have the kids at all. Never had them over night at all since we split.

UhtredRagnarson · 03/06/2021 23:29

You don’t get advice from me, you just get a big fucking hug and a nod of acknowledgement from another who is doing it too. It’s shit. It’s thankless. It’s relentless.

Invisimamma · 03/06/2021 23:54

It's impossible working at home with children and it's not fair on them either. Lots of us did it during the pandemic as we had no choice but it was awful and stressful. I don't blame you for feeling wrung out when you're doing it all alone. But you really need to get some proper childcare in place while you are working, it's not fair on dd, you or your employer.

Chase for more contact with her dad, but realistically that might not happen and in the short term you need a solution, you need to get some childcare!

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 00:01

*He was abusive, he was abusive to me in court, in front of the judge and I was told to grow up and do what's best for my DD.

If I hadn't of agreed those days it would of gone before the judge and I didn't like the thought he'd have got those days anyway.

So I gave up all the best days in the hope I'd at least get Mother's Day, I do get her if it falls on my weekend, but if it falls on his my only option is to keep her home the whole weekend which is breaking the order as it says I only have her from 10am Mother's Day not the whole weekend. He pretends he doesn't know what day it is and celebrates another day with his own family, probably delibrately. *

Who told you to grow up? So the judge never made the decision, you just agreed to it?

You need to fight for what you want. I know it's hard against an abuser but it seems like you just gave in to him.

Original poster

TheLongHardSlog · 04/06/2021 00:05

@MMMarmite

*He was abusive, he was abusive to me in court, in front of the judge and I was told to grow up and do what's best for my DD.

If I hadn't of agreed those days it would of gone before the judge and I didn't like the thought he'd have got those days anyway.

Who told you to grow up? So the judge never made the decision, you just agreed to it?

You need to fight for what you want. I know it's hard against an abuser but it seems like you just gave in to him.

ExH said “I want one night EOW, her birthday, Christmas Day, Father’s Day”

I said “no”

Judge said “grow up go and reconsider”

My solicitor advised me to give ExH what he wanted otherwise if it went before the judge could give him what he wants and more so I agreed it out of court with the agreeement to have her Mother’s Day and New Year because if it had gone back into the court room before the judge with us undecided my solicitor reckoned I wouldn’t have even got those days and she’d be with ExH then too.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLongHardSlog · 04/06/2021 00:07

Judge turned to me that means he said to ExH that he was being very reasonable

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 00:12

I apologise then, I got the swing end of the stick.

That judge is an utter twat . How is all birthdays and all Christmases fair?

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 00:13

The wrong end of the stick

Original poster

TheLongHardSlog · 04/06/2021 00:17

@MMMarmite

I apologise then, I got the swing end of the stick.

That judge is an utter twat . How is all birthdays and all Christmases fair?

I don’t know but I’m not going to fight it.

As I said previously DD lives for those days with him, she already says she hates me when she has a tantrum even if I haven’t told her off and she’s just got overwhelmed/frightened by something on tv etc. I don’t want her to have more reasons to hate me.

OP posts:

chestnutshell · 04/06/2021 00:47

No helpful advice from me as not sure about the court system but just wanted to say that he’s an absolute fuck bag and I feel rage on your behalf here. Absolutely awful how women are treated in the family courts going by the things I read on here. Shocking.

chestnutshell · 04/06/2021 00:51

Also OP your daughter doesn’t really hate you. I’m not sure how her additional needs play into it, but even for children with no additional needs and neuro-typical, they can go through this stage. It’s all about where they feel safe to put their emotions. I know this isn’t much comfort as you’re still the one dealing with it day after day, and your loser of an ex just isn’t stepping up and being accountable.

I also think you shouldn’t underestimate what others see. He may think he’s dad of the year but honestly most people will see it for what it is, even if they don’t say it outright.

CupoTeap · 04/06/2021 05:52

Op I feel for you.

CAO make me as mad as the CMS. Not just the Judges, not just the threat of something worse being ruled, but the system just isn't fit for purpose. It can be abused so easily.

I was made to feel ridiculous for trying to cover all scenarios (of course I didn't and it's so hard) but you are then left with this Court Order where there are no real ramifications for failing to adhere to it. Of course like me, you are, but exh isn't.

Lonecatwithkitten · 04/06/2021 07:31

@TheLongHardSlog please try not to take the 'I hate you' to heart my own NT daughter did it at a similar stage. It turned out she meant I hate the situation, and I was her safe person who would stay no matter what she said. She never said it to her Dad as she knew he would see her less. Even an NT child does have the right words for their emotions, keep being there and keep being consistent,
We would have Christmas on a different day and it has become our thing. And all the others you can make your own special days.

OhamIreally · 04/06/2021 08:30

OP I could have written your post a few years ago.
ADHD daughter with food issues, ex saw her every 8-10 weeks and high days and holidays only.
I used to beg him to see her more often.
Now DD is a bit older and much more independent. Now it's not such hard work ex is keener on contact.
We have a lovely time together now and she's not so keen to go to her dad's.
Your DD will see what's what soon enough and things will start getting easier.
I won't comment on the system that allows men to get away with this as it takes me too long to climb down from the fury it creates.

Flip

1 2