To think I’m too fat to ever meet someone new

[RockstarMartini]

I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been bar pregnancy and I feel disgusting. I’m really lonely but think any man would be revolted by me. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be with me again and it makes me so sad. I’m trying to lose weight but it’s hard when you feel so rubbish about yourself 🙁

Meet someone locally what does that even mean!! Ffs Volunteering in the community, join local walking clubs, the local gym, the local bars/restaurants, through work, friend of a friend.
I've had lots of dates before settling all met locally. Met DP through work.

@Taliskerskye

Meet someone locally what does that even mean!! Ffs

You don’t know what it means?

Are you feeling quite alright yourself? Your posts are incredibly negative.

You definitely need to value yourself more. Don't settle for ONS, I can almost guarantee you will end up feeling worse. I really don't think your weight is the issue here. Of course, lose weight if you think it will improve your health and confidence, but losing weight is often a physical solution for a mental problem. You are not, and I cannot stress this enough, disgusting.

My husband's previous long term relationships were slim blondes (I met them we were friends), when we got together I was a size 18 and have red curly hair. He married me not them. If you want to change the way you look for you do it, but sometime who properly loves you, doesn't care. Would you want to date someone who won't date size 12+? (Someone I knew at uni) . I think that attitude says more about them. I fluctuated between size 12 and 18 in my younger days and I got plenty of male attention regardless of size.

Your weight isn’t the biggest barrier, your confidence is though. While you feel like this about yourself you are unlikely to meet the right kind of partner.
You need to work on yourself first as cliched as that sounds

I was my biggest ever when I met my now dh at 17st size 22 and 5'3".

I've lost a few stone since then but honestly he treated me better than anyone ever did when I was a size 10. Honestly you are still very lovable at whatever size

@RickiTarr
No it’s these threads where people come on and say love yourself and meet someone locally.
I genuinely don’t know what meet someone locally means.
Should I stand at a bus top

[quote Taliskerskye]@RickiTarr
No it’s these threads where people come on and say love yourself and meet someone locally.
I genuinely don’t know what meet someone locally means.
Should I stand at a bus top[/quote]
Is that what you think people did before OLD?

Are you bubbly or do you fade into the background? My friends would definitely say I was chatty and good fun which I am when I'm relaxed around people.

I'm trying to stay off OLD as it's just soul destroying but it's really difficult to meet people in real life. I've joined an exercise class but that's all women, I've volunteered for a local event but that's not until the Autumn. All my friends are coupled up and the men in my office (even though I get on well with them) are married.

I just feel so disheartened and down on myself and I've got no motivation to make any changes.

@RickiTarr
If someone has got to the point they’re online dating then they obvs have exhausted any “local” bus stop opportunities. There are many reasons someone does OLD. It’s probably not because they can’t be bothered to meet people IRL

[quote Taliskerskye]@RickiTarr
If someone has got to the point they’re online dating then they obvs have exhausted any “local” bus stop opportunities. There are many reasons someone does OLD. It’s probably not because they can’t be bothered to meet people IRL[/quote]
The reason I said “try IRL” and @EmeraldShamrock said “try locally” is because of how shallow OLD can be. We weren’t saying it’s easy- none of its easy - and nobody said anything about bus stops! You seem quite angry and you’re not even the OP of the thread.

@RockstarMartini

Are you bubbly or do you fade into the background? My friends would definitely say I was chatty and good fun which I am when I'm relaxed around people.

I'm trying to stay off OLD as it's just soul destroying but it's really difficult to meet people in real life. I've joined an exercise class but that's all women, I've volunteered for a local event but that's not until the Autumn. All my friends are coupled up and the men in my office (even though I get on well with them) are married.

I just feel so disheartened and down on myself and I've got no motivation to make any changes.

Personally I would never do OLD again, and if I am ever back on the market I will deliberately join a couple of long term clubs or groups where there is a M/F mix of the right age and look at it as a way to make friends first and get to know people before even thinking about dating. That is my back pocket plan because I really don’t think OLD works that well once you’re past 25 or 30.

Do you have any interests, religion, ongoing voluntary interest you could reignite? You want something long term really. Not just to meet “dates” but to assess what’s out there more generally.

@RickiTarr
I’m not angry
I hate shallow trite messages that don’t help anyone. Op especially. Surprise surprise she said it’s been difficult to meet anyone IRL. Who could have predicted that!!!

We weren’t being shallow or trite @Taliskerskye

I know I wasn’t and @EmeraldShamrock also sounds completely serious and sincere to me.

I’m overweight to and I won’t be dating until I’ve lost weight, pointless trying to date when you are not happy with yourself as that will show and you will attract the wrong people. Yes people will say “stay how you are, people should love you for you” but if you don’t love yourself and feel down about yourself then your only going to attract the wrong people so I would lose weight before dating

No way! Of course a man will love you, you need to believe you are worthy at any size because you are.😘

@Taliskerskye It is shit your interpretation of my advice was shallow tripe.
I think your attitude is the problem not your waistline.

Attractiveness is only partly about looks. I know heavy people who are very confident and sexy and have no bother attracting people and slim people with cripplingly low self esteem who are perpetually and unwillingly single.

I've been both!

When I was younger I was petite, slim and blonde with big boobs but had fuck all confidence and so didn't have much luck with attracting people

After I split from ex I gained weight but also gained a lot of confidence once the divorce was dealt with as a result of other life changes and I was beating them off with a stick! Like even young very attractive people were coming onto me.

If you're too heavy for health that's a separate issue and you may want to lose weight for that reason. I'm planning to at the moment

But other than that you need to work on your confidence more than anything

My brother has a pal who ONLY likes plus size women, he's on his second marriage but we've known him since he was 10 and he has always gone for larger girls/ladies, he's very slim himself and sporty too so it's not a case of equal body types he is just very attracted to larger women. Has a huge crush on Alison Hammond for example.

Learn to love yourself

And consider what YOU want in a partner, are they good enough for YOU?

From your posts I'm assuming you're a single mum with youngish kids. That's immediately going to be an problem for one group of men

So true!

When I was OLD when it was a fairly new thing just after divorce I was early 30's with dd and a lot of the men just cba with someone with kids - their loss, plus they think that such a woman is going to want more kids and soon - an assumption that was wholly wrong in my case - again their loss

Do you mention you are a single mum on your profile?

And I agree don't rely solely on OLD

I met ex through friends, I met next boyfriend at uni, met 1st girlfriend through a hobby group...

I know it's hard at moment with COVID etc but generally speaking you need to get out and socialise

As you're heterosexual then you may need to make an effort to join groups and activities where there are more likely to be men your age - but that you also genuinely enjoy or think you MIGHT enjoy, I met my last gf at a group I tried but didn't particularly enjoy long term.

I've friends/family who've met their significant others at:

Church
Volunteer jobs
Hobby groups
Sports groups
Through work
Through their kids being friends at school

A few couples I know met via "mistakes"

One went to the wrong church for a wedding and the best man at the wrong wedding took a shine to her and sought her out

One was a wrong number phone call that ended up lasting 2 hours and resulted in their first date - they're now married baby on way in late summer

Be open to possibilities

Even at bus stops (I know that was a sarcastic post) but yes chat away to people at bus stops or train stations or in cafes. I've met and made good friends this way. One of my closest friends started out as someone helping me to navigate weird local bus system!

Rocketstar I could not leave without telling you that when I was 23 stone and 45 I met a handsome, very slim man and we were a couple for eight years. We had an extraordinarily good sex life.

I'm sure you are nothing like as big as I was, nor as old.

*Stop whining and either loose weight or accept yourself as you are. Fat people can be, and are, fancied and loved. But as the old saying goes, no one is going to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

From someone fatter than you, who is both fancied and loved!*

Was there any need for that? I thought it might come across that I'm not in the best place and I could do without being told I'm whining. Easy to be bitchy from the security of a relationship.

I'm so tired of trying to 'love myself', I honestly don't get how you do it. It's obvious that I'm at best invisible or at worst unattractive to men, how can you have any self confidence knowing that?

OP, Sweetheart you are absolutely beautiful and deserving of love at any size! Please know that, and when I say know that, I mean deep down in your heart.

I’ve been bullied for my weight my whole life and have felt the same way my whole life. I’ve never been bigger than a large 10 but I always felt like a whale, and in truth no one ever gave me a second glance. I’ve had eating disorders too, and at my smallest I was a uk size 4/6, no one gave me a second glance then either or when I was any size in between. I was convinced I’d be alone for ever. Looking back, my self esteem was in the toilet and I must have projected that every where I went. So when someone did look at me, I was so shocked and desperate to make someone love me, I turned a blind eye to how abusive and exploitative the relationship was. Please don’t fall into the same trap.

My advice would be to work a little on yourself, do things you love, and maybe a little CBT or therapy.
Don’t lose weight or diet with the hopes of finding a man, any man worth having will love you at a size 8 and a size 26 xx

Think about the men you have found attractive. Were they a certain shape/build/look?
I know some of the men I’ve found most attractive have not been at all conventionally good looking but all had ‘something’ about them. A chemistry, sense of humour etc. I’m sure it’s the same for you and he same again for the men you will meet

So so sympathetic OP, it's a totally shit feeling but honestly please don't start trying to drop weight without learning to accept and love how you are now.
Diet culture wants you to think you're unloveable, and that what you need is a diet...it's absolute bollocks. Nurture yourself, speak gently to yourself, contact a Food Freedom coach (transformative coaching-type therapy) if you feel like some extra help.
Hugs to you x

@RockstarMartini

*Stop whining and either loose weight or accept yourself as you are. Fat people can be, and are, fancied and loved. But as the old saying goes, no one is going to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

From someone fatter than you, who is both fancied and loved!*

Was there any need for that? I thought it might come across that I'm not in the best place and I could do without being told I'm whining. Easy to be bitchy from the security of a relationship.

I'm so tired of trying to 'love myself', I honestly don't get how you do it. It's obvious that I'm at best invisible or at worst unattractive to men, how can you have any self confidence knowing that?

My comment was a bit brutally harsh. I apologise for that. I was single for many years before I met my oh. I still loved myself. My worthiness is not dependant on someone else loving or fancying me. Nor is yours. Only you can decide to either accept yourself for who you are or to change. Yes a lot of men will choose a slimmer partner, just like a lot of women do too. But that doesn't mean that you're not attractive or won't be wanted at all. You have a kid so you've been attractive to men previously. But confidence really is important, and that is something that you need to work on because that will hugely impact how attractive you are